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Friday
Mar122010

Wanna Be a SuperStar?

When I first started blogging four years ago, I had no clue what I was doing. None. My vast experience as a blogger could be summed up quite literally as a blog lurker for two months. Which, you know, darn near made me an expert.

Heh.

I had no expectations when I started this blog. I had things I hoped for, mostly finding a reader or two who would snicker at my jokes and remind me that life indeed does go on even if one's son drops dead unexpectedly in the middle of the night but other than that, I didn't really know what the hell I was doing.

I just did it anyway because it felt good. Like sex, but without having to worry about getting knocked up. Again.

I've learned a lot, mostly through trial and error over the course of time when it comes to the ins and outs of blogging. But I've never blogged about blogging because (yawn) meta-blogging is so not my thing. Nobody reads an instruction manual, so why write one?

(My apologies to the people who actually earn their livings writing instruction manuals. Also, my sympathies.)

But recently, I've received a plethora of private emails asking me if I had any tips for a shiny newbie blogger dreaming of success in the big bad bloggie world. I admit, this is rather novel to me. Most of the time I just get a tonne of emails from horny losers asking if I will send them a picture of my boobs.

(The answer to that question is generally no. FYI.)

It seems that since I've won an award or two, and landed on a list here or there, my readers have confused me with someone who is a professional, someone who actually knows what they are doing and someone who doesn't spend most of her days surfing the net in hopes of finding a funny cartoon to read.

Silly chickens.

However, I am nothing if not a people pleaser so I thought I'd share with you my vast wealth of blogging knowledge. Here's your chance to either mock me or click away to someone who actually wrote a real post.

You want real advice, please direct your attention to Problogger. See? Even the name is more professional than Attack of the Redneck Mommy. Which, leads me to my second tip: Don't over-think how your are going to christen your corner of the internet. Don't bother with a google search. Heck, if I had done that, I would have missed all the fun of people accidentally finding my blog instead of the rat farmer in Alabama they were looking for.



Try to find interesting blog fodder, say, the opposite of writing a post about how to be a better blogger. Don't have anything of interest to write about? Well you should do what I do in times of blogging blankness. Write about your boobs! Or better yet, write daft posts about dying your cooter hair blue.

The internet is over-run with thoughtful, well-written posts. It's over-rated. Don't be afraid to be the google perverts' best friend. This way you'll know your blog really reached out to touch someone.



Nothing you write can ever come back to bite you on the ass. The internet is shielded from reality by the blood droplets of geeks everywhere. It is a magical force field.

So if you want to write a post about your mom, she will never find it and subsequently disown your arse for the following two years. You want to chronicle a lengthy and troublesome adoption process as you endure it? Go right ahead. I promise, the case supervisor in charge of determining your family size will never discover you called her a soulless bureaucrat sucking the hope out of good parents everywhere.

Go ahead and feel good about calling your psychiatrist an insecure fruit loop before he has rendered his professional opinion about your ability to function as a responsible parent. He'll never find it. And if he does, he won't be pissed at all. I mean, who doesn't enjoy having their sexuality questioned publicly now and then?

Other bloggers will warn you not to over-share, but personally, I've developed a taste for toe jam. And when someone tells you not to publish anything you aren't willing to have your arse kicked over, they clearly have never endured the joy of that particular experience.

I say grab a bulls-eye and bend over. Let the fun begin!



For the love of bloggers everywhere, remember that every blogger started out with the same origins. Just a lonely geek behind a computer screen hoping someone would find and read their blog. Except Dooce. Heather Armstrong is the exception. She fully popped out of her mother's vagina with a huge internet readership. Her family still talks about it at holiday get-togethers.

And if you believe that I've got a chicken over here that shits out gold eggs. Email me if you are interested in purchasing her.

Having said that, just know, if you don't have at least one hundred daily readers, you are clearly failing and not contributing anything of worth to the blogging community. Screw quality and originality. The only thing that counts for anything here in the blog world is the number of readers you can brag about.



The most important blogging lesson I can teach you, is always remember you are a STAR. Do not let your husband, your wife, your in-laws or your children forget this fact. Screw house cleaning and family time. You have a blog to update dammit, and twitter followers waiting to hang on your every word.

You must never disappoint them. It's the price of blogging fame. Didn't you know? Once you hit 50 readers a day you have to trade in your life and any real life obligations you may have for more server space. It's the law.

My last tip of the day? Read Mr. Lady. She has a great section on her blog called techstalk where she dumbs down the actual intricacies of blogging. Ftp, platforms, bedazzled vaginas er, blogs, you name it, Shannon covers it. And she makes it readable. She is hands down one of the best writers on the internet.

(And no, I'm not just saying that because she occasionally lets me sleep with my face buried in her boobs, although that doesn't hurt either.)

There. My blogging advice to you all. I feel pretty good about this post. I mean, not only did I directed you to a couple of actual pros thereby successfully shirking all responsibility for the success of your blogs, but I managed to mock blogging in general and avoid folding the laundry this morning.

That's how a blogger does it.
« What a Girl Wants | Main | How I Became A Stereotype »

Reader Comments (72)

Ahh but you are a guru even if you don't realize it. Sadly I have neither a cooter or boobs so I try to get by on good old bullshit.

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTravis Erwin

Once again, a laughing, learning moment for me. Thanks!

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterlisa

Yeahhhhhhhh Budddyyyyyyyyyy!!

(Sorry, this one just elicited way more than a massive *snort* of laughter and applause!)

You nailed it, Sistah. I usually tell my readers that if I craved worship and adoration I would have become a Baptist preacher. It is noteworthy that I have about as many followers as Jesus had disciples- okay, more, now that I've just said that first thing out loud.

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTitanium

My sister blasted me yesterday, because she googled herself, and the 3rd thing that came up was: "My Evil Pregnant Sister" - my most recent post about her. She HATES me now! (Well, not really, but she freaked the fuck out for 30 minutes.) Also, my mom and a few of her friends read my blog from time to time, so my blog has to be SOOOOO CENSORED!!!!! I can't blog freely about sex and 'oh, remember that time when I was high and dressed like Boogie Nights...' Nope. All sunshine and roses on my blog. Which fine, I blog about nice things and my kids and all that jazz, but it would be nice to write about EVERYTHING I wanted to write about... sigh.

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLoukia

You are totally a Supahstah! And now I want my blog to grow up and be just like yours.

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKeyona

*snort* I'd be happy to have 20 readers who come back regularly and find my stuff amusing!

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDanielle [Left of Lost]

I just laughed so hard iced tea went up my nose. So you can add that to your list of accomplishments. I find that the key to blogging success is to run nothing but reviews of things people don't care about and endlessly pimp giveaways.

That's it, right? I mean if it wasn't, I'd be a superstar right now, wouldn't I?

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteramber

Hmmm...I have a mother who threatens to disown me for NOT writing about her.
I think she wants notoriety without having to blog herself-we had to make her flashcards so she could learn how to check email and get on the internet.

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmy Mayfield

You wrote a meta post.

I'd comment more, but my toes are getting cold. I live pretty close to hell, and I'm seeing frost. *wink*

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMr Lady

Noteable:

-You said 'in general' in reference to boobs. That just got, like, 33% of over-weight, middle-aged men who live with their moms hard.
-When you say 100 readers, does that mean visitors, or page views, cuz I'm sitting here, feverishly refreshing Analytics and I don't see the word Readers.
-You mentioned Vagina in reference to Mr. Lady 8 days earlier than I thought you would.

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterZoeyjane

Ooh! I've been doing it all wrong all these years! Thanks for the tips! :-)

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDave2

Awesomesauce. I'm ready to conquer the internets.

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterkalisa

Crap, I kinda feel bad about bugging a fellow blogger with my rookie/newbie questions. i didn't realize there were so many of us doing that! LOL

Well, we can chalk that one up to another rookie mistake. :)

Great article. Thanks for the other blogger's tips!

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKernut

I'm just trying my hardest not to get fired because of the silly garbage I write.

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCoach J

Yea, thanks Tanis. I now feel even more pathetic about my blog than before, as my only readers are my best friend, my mom and a girl who has awesome jewelry that sells on Etsy.
But at least I can still find daily amusement and words of wisdom in yours.

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMS Mom

*snort*

This is why I drink beer with you and make long distance phone calls with you.

You're a guru, a whiz, real and purty dang funny too boot.

xoxox

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRachel

I don't aspire to be you in the blogging world like some commenters, but I'm glad you have the discipline and creativity to put typeface on a screen that folks actually want to read. And, you're not even a bitch in real life! It must be the Canadian cold--you developed a large, warm heart as a defense mechanism.

I think most of us like the blogging community because of the new folks we get to meet.

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermuskrat

You're awesome. And a blogging Yoda, if I do say so. Thanks for the great cartoons, they made me laugh right out loud!

I just read about people with boob and cooter stories cuts down on the thinking and feeling part. Well done on your bloggie madam. PS #1 is getting cuter by the day. Going to need a fan club for him.

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterhabanerogal

I saw your lovely comment on Mom-101 posted yesterday and am viewing your blog for the first time. I'm new to blogging and all that comes with it - I started only last month. I have read quite a few bloggers personal guides to blogging in the past few weeks and all have bored me to tears. I've also read a whole lot of Mommy blogs and been bored to tears again by most. So thank you for writing this and making me laugh tears of joy instead.

Me? I'm not blogging to promote products I've never used or become famous, I just needed some way after three years in Mommyland of getting some of the thoughts I've been carrying around in my addled brain for so long off my chest before insanity struck.

So aside from Mom-101 who else do you admire in the Mommy blogging community?

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAgingMommy

Oh shit, now I need to stop blogging. I'm not doing it right. I was here for the free Disneyland trips that were promised, but never give. Snort.

Love this.

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterIssa

What a perfect post to read when I was getting fed up of trying to fix my effing blog. You distracted me so much that I don't care if I fix it or not - thanks :)

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAloha Toni!

About that chicken that shits golden eggs....?

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJayne

i don't envy bloggers it must be really hard trying to find something interesting to say day after day.

but commenting is hard work to

i find it hard to be funny or smart or caring all the time also.

and when i have a bad day and really have to work my brain to think of a good comment it cuts down on my masturbating time.

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered Commentertony

When people ask for boob photos the answer is *generally* no? As in sometimes yes?

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSteve

@Keyona, Bright yellow and hard on the eyes? Wink.

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRedneck Mommy

@Zoeyjane, I debated on waiting to bust out the vagina reference near Mr. Lady's name but she's getting old. It isn't fair to make her wait.

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRedneck Mommy

@Kernut, Pfiffle. If asking other bloggers for advice was a crime, I'd be in the clink right now. I made a real whore of myself the first year I blogged.

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRedneck Mommy

@Issa, WHAT??? There are free Disneyland trips?? Damn it, I knew I was doing this wrong.

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRedneck Mommy

@Steve, My lawyer has advised me to not answer this on the grounds that my answer could incriminate myself.

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRedneck Mommy

@Redneck Mommy, I swear someone told me that when I started. Swear it. Bet it was that shifty chick Her bad Mother. ;)

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterIssa

Frankly, you are the Queen, I do hang on your every word, and breathlessly await your tweets!

And you're soooooo correct about it "taking over your life"! Yikers!

Also, to Tony above...ewwwww...grow UP! Don't make me blog about you!

Rednecklatte (UP)

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterUP

Thanks... I think

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterkyooty

Wow, thanks for the great advice. I will make sure to apply it all. BTW, you forgot the most important tip of all. You generally produce all of your best material after a vile or two of crack. So if you haven't started your crack habit, you will never be a professional and well noted blogger.

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBrett

OK Tanis/fellow Canadian first things first:
I <3 reading your blog immensely! I never have time to update my own due to you know reading everyone Else's works of wonderment.

Also I read the tale of the blue thunder and laughed so damn hard that I bookmarked it so I could read it again!

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSteph

Love love love this! And so true about the whole toe jam issue. I felt equally pissed and proud the first time my family read my blog and realised I was talking crap about them.

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterUntypically Jia

Crap, I just wrote the kind of post that's going to get my ass kicked. Next time I'll check Google reader, THEN blog.

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterStacey

I've written and deleted several comments because I just cannot feel as free to be as searingly and bluntly honest as you are online...I can't even do it in your comments section! But I just love that you are out here with your voice. I'll get my vicarious thrills ;)

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCandace

My relatives now know of my blog, and sometimes my mouse hovers over that "publish" button while I debate whether or not I REALLY want them to know this.

Then I usually close my eyes, push the button, and hope that their sense of humor is still intact.

PS The day (one of the few days, not exactly a regular happening) I hit 253 visitors had me walking on air for about 2 weeks.

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterthepsychobabble

@Redneck Mommy, @Zoeyjane, OUCH.

You know you'd both hit it, saggy antique that it is.

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMr Lady

RE: Commenter Brett...does posting while drinking G&T's help? I'm a new-ish blogger, and I really need to learn how to up my game.

Seriously though, I love this.

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAllie

Huh, I've been doing it all wrong. Thanks for the tips, and the laughs.
Still looking for canned pig brains to send you.

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterrainwolf

Shhhhyea! This is like my second time on your blog lady and when I started reading this post I thought,

'Fuck, this is going to blow! With such an awesome blog title I was all excited!!!'

Because as you said I absolutely HATE bloggers blogging about blogging!!! Are you fucking kidding me??? *GAG the Crazy Brunette*

You ended up kicking my ass though chick!! I can't blog about dying my vag hair blue... Maybe growing it out THEN dying it! And I'll give all RIGHTS and CREDIT to you my Redneck Lady!!!

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCrazy Brunette

I learned nothing from this post. I feel like you owe me a picture of your boobs.

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterOut-Numbered

I know if I asked, you would totally send me a pic of your boobs.

And that is what the internet is all about.

March 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKelley @ Magnetoboldtoo

Social comments and analytics for this post...

This post was mentioned on Twitter by redneckmommy: New post up at my place: I'm sharing all my secrets of success. You won't want to miss this one. http://bit.ly/awzHmq...

Most of the time I just get a tonne of emails from horny losers asking if I will send them a picture of my boobs.

(The answer to that question is generally no. FYI.)


Generally no? How can we make you change this to yes?

Gotta admit, I'm kind of jealous. No one ever asks for pictures of my boobs.

Wayne

PS: Kidding aside, I love your blog. Keep doing it, and to hell with anyone who doesn't get the joke.

March 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterThe Mad Hatter

Thanks for the post..was always curious what made you love blogging so much!! I read you & Dooce all the time, the other ones are not as enlightening!! Keep up the great work!!

March 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLC

Funny and generous. Thanks!

But now I feel inadequate because absolutely nobody wants a picture of my boobs. Back to the drawing board.

March 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSharon

Your article was most tweeted by Moms experts in the Twitterverse...

Come see other top popular articles surfaced by Moms experts!...

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