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Tuesday
Mar162010

What a Girl Wants

In a few months my husband and I will have been married thirteen years. What's more amazing than the fact I have managed to keep a man legally bound to me that long is the fact we've been living together for fifteen, and a couple for seventeen. Which is exactly half the number of years I've been alive.

If you had told me Boo was my future husband when I was six years old and visiting his house with my daddy, I'd have likely kicked you in the shins. At that point in time I had no interest in the big lipped blond boy who constantly wore orange and brown striped tee shirts.

Life, she has a sense of humour in a dark and twisted way.

I have been in Boo's life from the time we were in diapers and his partner for half of my life and yet the man still cannot figure me out.

It's not like I'm complicated, it's just I'm rather irrational (I swear it's charming) and I happen to change my mind a lot.

(Like the time I told him not to bother buying me a wedding ring because I'd never wear it and then two days before our wedding ceremony I wept and whined because he actually listened to me and didn't buy me a wedding ring. After banging his head against the wall multiple times, he scraped up every bit of cash he could beg, borrow and steal and dragged me to the jewelery store where I happily picked out a tiny diamond solitaire ring.

Two months after the ceremony, he noticed I wasn't wearing my wedding ring. Yes, I had changed my mind and decided I was right the first time and didn't want the ring he had busted his bottom to buy for me. Let's just say he banged his head against the wall again.)

When I tell you I want mustard on sandwich, this is just means I want mustard on my sandwich right now. It doesn't mean I'm signing a life time contract of wanting mustard on every single sandwich I will ever eat from now to till the end of time.

Sometimes a little Italian dressing on a sandwich is a nice life distraction, you know?

My husband, he bangs his head on a lot of walls. But the one thing I can never, ever fault him for, his the effort he puts in to keeping me happy. He's constantly trying to keep up with my whims. He, in fact, spoils me even if he misunderstands me half the time.

We married young which means we married one another when neither had a pot to pee in. Literally. Boo came with a dowry of a butter knife, a used shower curtain and a broken telephone. I am not joking. Thank goodness for banks willing to give credit cards to young people in an effort to entrap them into a life time of debt.

Not only did we have two kids before our first wedding anniversary but we had more debt than should be legally allowed. Between the credit card that was racked up to buy things like food and diapers, we both had student loans tied around our necks. We came to the brink of bankruptcy more than once and if it weren't for our deep sense of lust and devotion, I'm sure we'd have divorced due to financial misfortune more than once.

Somehow, through time and a lot of hard work (on Boo's part, I'm the lazy one in this union) we made careful choices to slowly chip away at our debt until where we are today. Not much further ahead but just a few years shy of being mortgage free and the cars we drive are ours and not the bank's.

Years of surviving on boxed mac and cheese and bruised bananas are slowly fading into the past.

But those lean years, when we had to pick which utility bill to pay each month because we didn't have enough to pay them all and still feed our family, have permanently scarred us. So much so, that my husband feels it's his duty to make amends and provide for me everything he couldn't when we younger.

He's sweet, if not a wee misguided. I'll keep him though.

The past few years, despite being married to me half his life and observing my tastes and preferences, he keeps surprising me with bling.

A lot of bling.

I'm not exactly a bling-y type of gal. If the tattoos don't advertise that, surely the nipple rings would. You'd think.

The problem with the bling he buys, well, it's expensive. Sure it's pretty, but not only will I not wear it, but if I do, I'm likely to either bash it into pieces as I garden or scrub toilets or I'm likely to lose it.

Evidence of Boo's thoughtfulness over the course of the years and my inability to respect anything sparkly:



A Christmas gift he carefully purchased after tucking away money for almost a year. My tennis bracelet.Which I loved so much I refused to take off until the diamonds started to fall out of it. Whoops. I may or may not have broken the clasp on it too.


This lovely gift was bestowed to me after I wrote the Journey series, chronicling the loss of our foster-to-adopt child. Boo wanted to ease my fractured heart with sparkles. The necklace and earring set was aptly named, "The Journey."



Boo surprised me with this ring on our tenth wedding anniversary. It had been a tough year after losing our Bug and he wanted to turn my frown upside down.


As one diamond after another disappears into the ether surrounding my home it becomes increasingly obvious I am entirely not mature enough to be entrusted with shiny objects.


Don't get me wrong, I appreciate both the thought and expense that went into these shiny purchases from a man who clearly loves me. I really do. I just wish I was a woman who wanted such trinkets and who treasured them more instead of taking them off, walking away and then wondering where they went.


Because I am an irrational woman, I'm going to blame my husband for this. Clearly every lost diamond is his fault. If he had been paying attention to who I am over the last half of his life he'd have known better.


I am the girl who loses bling.


(De Nile ain't just a river, people.)


Maybe it's because bling just isn't my thing. I'm a blingless type of girl. I don't generally wear any jewelery, not even a watch. When I'm trying to impress someone I may or may not be motivated to stick a silver hoop into my ear and call it fashion.


I'm the type of gal who cuts her nails to the quick, only paints her toenails once a year and then lets the paint chip off  naturally as the nails grow out and prefers tattoo ink to hair dye. I own four pairs of shoes, two of which are shit-kickers and there are two skirts in my closet: one for funerals and one for weddings.


I am, in fact, the most non-blingy type of girl a gal can be. Always have been, likely always will be. Which is why I feel physical pain when my husband hands me small packages.


He's clearly forgotten who he's legally bound to. Either that or he's wishing he married someone more sophisticated.


*scratches arm pit and resumes writing*


So, in an effort to save my darling husband from carelessly tossing more money into the wind and bringing home jewelery that will either get lost or spend an eternity collecting dust in the back of a drawer, I cleverly decided to start showing him my idea of a good time jewelery purchase.


After explaining to him that a small cost output in jewelry purchases would lead to a much larger cost savings and general satisfaction on both parties end, he rolled his eyes and walked away agreed.


Yet when my purchase arrived in a shiny black box, Boo was clearly curious to see what it was that would float my boat, save him money and perhaps earn him future blow job rights.


From the look on his face it was all too evident his imagination had never been stretched as far as it was in that moment.


Because my idea of a good piece of jewelry happens to include the word roadkill.



Oh, they tickle as they dangle against my neck.



Such pretty claws you have, my dear...


I told you I wasn't into bling. I prefer things stuffed and mounted. It's nature's way of recycling.


Sadly, it became all too obvious after watching my husband recoil in terror and then laugh until he cried, that I haven't been paying attention to him the past 17 years either.


Because if I thought I could convince the man I love that buying items from a taxidermist to decorate myself with is a good idea, I am more delusional than he is in his efforts to step-ford wife me.


Turns out, you can't class a girl up unless she wants to be polished.


Just like you can't force a man to buy his wife roadkill for their anniversary.


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    Tanis Miller - Attack of the Redneck Mommy - What a Girl Wants

Reader Comments (73)

That is so foul.

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermamamia

Ha!!! Amazing. I could never wear roadkill on my ears. I have one standard pair of 8gauge hoops and that's it. I wear a couple of rings, a watch and this lovely pressed penny that my girlfriend made into a bracelet for me to celebrate our first ride on a carousel together. :) I always wear a necklace though. It's my one standard. Gold isn't my thing, but I do love diamonds. Though like you, I wear them until they fall out of the settings from everything from showers, washing dishes, gardening, kid chasing.. you name it. Rock on, Tanis.

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmy Bliss

Ewwwwww. It's the nails really unnerve me.

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMarci

Sometimes I really worry about you ;)

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKat

You have to Shittin' me....road kill v/s diamonds....have you lost your very last brain cell Tanis???????
Ohhhhh I do love me some Redneck Mommy but this is taking Redneck just a little bit tooooooo far don't you think???
You want some damn dangly talons tickling your ear rather than sparkly diamonds glistening about. Day-um woman!!!
Love ya' BUT.......
Sunnie

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSunnie

That is... AWESOME. Where, pray tell, did you buy those?

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJaci

I love this post!

My husband refuses to even buy me a card on my birthday. It's something ingrained in him, something about him losing his mother as a child.. I dont know.

Then I go and buy myself TONS of shit and he complains.

Can't kick a gift horse in the mouth!

Those earrings... oy.

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMaya

At least if one of the claws falls off and gets lost behind the fridge you won't have a heart attack!
I'd pay good money to see my husband's face if I came home wearing those earrings. HA!

Gotta love that Bo keeps trying. That has to be the sign of true love, right?

Haha! Awesome. :) I, too, have bling purchased by dh that I do not wear. Bling and I don't get along. In fact, once this baby is here and hits the 6mos mark, I'm finally getting my wedding ring tattooed on my finger -- I wear the real one about 3 times a year and couldn't tell you where my engagement ring is hiding. LOL

I do, however, wear the dolphin mood ring my 8yr picked out for me a couple years ago on at least a weekly basis. ;)

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterrefashionista

I am not a blingy girl either. Like you, I hail from butt-f**k nowhere (except I'm in Ontario!). But honestly, those earrings? Wow. Just wow.

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJan

Best quote ever - "When I tell you I want mustard on sandwich, this just means I want mustard on my sandwich right now. It doesn’t mean I’m signing a life time contract of wanting mustard on every single sandwich I will ever eat from now to till the end of time."

And right there, it pretty much sums up the ever-evolving nature of the female.

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterHip_m0m

LMAO Tanis. those earrings are slightly creepy though.

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBecca_Masters

I think they would make a great conversation piece, especially when you travel somewhere fancy shmacy to accept yet another award. LOL.

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMS Mom

The poop, poor man doesn't yet grasp how awesome this is. He's one of the few men on earth that can pull off buying his wife mud tires, but he's too scared of being wrong. Of course since he's a man, I sympathize with him in saying that it doesn't really matter what we do. We're still wrong.

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRebTurtle

You are quite possibly the scariest, strangest, most frightening woman I've ever seen. Yet you're ridiculously attractive, funny and engaging. The dichotomy actually makes me want to -- you guessed it -- bang my head against the wall.

I can only guess half of the men in Canada are simultaneously very jealous of your husband, while the other half wonder how he survives on a day-to-day basis.

Regardless, it makes for a great blog. Except for the earrings. Seriously woman, those need to go.

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDaddy Files

@RebTurtle, "Poor" man. Jeez! You'd think I of all people would know that just because something passes spell-check doesn't make it grammatically correct.

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRebTurtle

Just when I thought it was safe to read your blog at work! I'm not blingy at all either - but those?? leave me speechless...

Now I'm left trying to figure out how to explain to my boss why I was laughing so hard I could hardly speak when she called me.

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

I'm about with you on the jewelry except I wouldn't even wear roadkill. I despise stuff you have to insure. I'd much rather get a soap making kit or a huge stock pot (neither of which I have...hint hint hubby)

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCrystal

I bet a little nail polish on those roadkill talons could sparkle 'em up a bit! Maybe some that has that diamond dust in it!! ;)

Those were featured on Regretsy, weren't they?

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJulie @ The Mom Slant

Um, creepy! But hilarious lmao.

I'd take my gifts in the form of a new car, a house, and pretty things to fill the house :)

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSarcastica

Those are simply charming.

I was once told by a girl in the Nordstrom make-up department that I pull off the "plain look really well".

Ummm...Thanks?

p.s. I'm pretending I didn't see the animal feet hanging from your earlobes. Words fail me.

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLizzy

Ahhhh...I may die of laughter. Those are awesome!

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterkarin aka Perpstu

While I may question your taste in jewelry (Seriously, Tanis? Roadkill?), I'm not a bling-y girl, either. I haven't worn a wedding ring in years (it doesn't fit anymore and I could never be bothered to have it resized) and when I realized people got weird about that sort of thing, I felt guilty and replaced it with a silver-plated cubic zirconia I found at Kohl's for $7.99. I stopped wearing it after a month and told people to deal with it.

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSammanthia

i have a Military Officers' Formal next month... can my date borrow the ear rings... my Colonel and her Excellency, the Governor, will love to see those...

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterjeff

Eek. Kinda creepy. But glad you are happy! That is what counts.

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGina

You've rendered me speechless.

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRachel

OH MY............ words fail me but apparently my gag reflex does not

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMelanie

I love it. I too, am not the jewelry wearing type of girl. I don't even wear my wedding ring anymore. How awesome. If you're ever in the Michigan/Northern Indiana/Chicago area - let me know - I'd love to have a drink with ya & swap accessorizing tips! LOL!!!

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKimi the Qtswede

I think when you go to bed you need to tickle his neck with it...then move onto other places and he will then buy you what ever roadkill tickles you pink!

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterA Vapid Blonde

Yeah I think you should paint the nails. Everyone needs a little color! Including the rodent hanging from your ear... I can't wait to show this to DH!!!

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterChristy

Ha! Is that a mouse claw? Maybe you should mount a bear claw to a necklace for your next purchase.

I also lived in sin with my hubby for many moons before marriage (which made my Catholic father very proud), and my poor husband already has a permanent welt from head vs wall. To his defense, I'm a blingy girl and I don't think I'm one ounce easier to please than a road kill wearing Canuck. :)

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered Commentersara

Well, congrats. And if it makes you feel any better, after I decided I DID NOT want a diamond, maybe just a simple sapphire, nothing sparkly...

I accidentally threw it out. That's right, in the trash. Never to be seen again. Whoopsy.

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterThe Domestic Goddess

My sister would wear those. Hell, she probably kilt the varmint they used to belong to. Heh.

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMary

Oh my girl! My husband would love you. Where oh where did you find those? I'm not a jewelry girl either. My wedding band and diamond sit in my jewelry box with about 3 neckleses and a few pair of earrings. They need to be resized because after having 3 kids they don't fit!
Love your blog Tanis!

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLynn

The world needs more women like you!

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJamie

Nice jewelry. Very cool. Seriously.

Boo is a smart man, see it's not that we don't understand or get you women folk. We just realized that there's no use in trying. When we bang our heads against the wall, it's a gentle reminder to ourselves we forgot to stop trying. Life is easier that way.

My wife's grandfather gave me the best advice before my wedding day 11.5 years ago. "Don't think, just go with it. The moment you start thinking is the moment you start getting yourself in trouble." I have found he couldn't have been more right. Opinions are fine, just find more creative ways to express them. You know, so it doesn't look like were undermining your wishes. :)

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterHockeymandad

I had to look really close at the little nails...and then I damn near peed my pants when I laughed my ass off. You're so HAWT! Can I make you my idol? :D REALLY!

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer S^N

I have one piece of bling, that I wear all the time, my wedding ring. It's big and sparkly. Other than that I cant stand stuff touching me.
MY GOD those earrings are the most HORRID things I have ever seen!

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJenni Williams

K you had me up until "what" you decided was a great gift. I too am pretty laid back, not high maintenance type but the road kill?? ewww...ya lost me there girl!!

No doubt he banged his head against the wall over that one ! LOL...sigh..love ya!!

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLC

LMAO That is exactly why it goes against every rule that I have to by my girl anything that isn't edible. A guy just can't win...

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBrettandthecity

@RebTurtle,

Ah the eternal question: If a man is in the woods with no woman around; is he still wrong?

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCharles

My best friend's a taxidermist. She also lives quite close to the famous Gopher Hole Museum. She's done some work for them too.

She's also offered to make me a pair of those earrings.

I couldn't do it.

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBubbleGirl

Where on earth did you find those??? My hubby would think it was great if I brought those home!!! It's all into hunting and taxidermy.....

P.S. I have a pretty nice giveaway on my blog only open to Canadians - you should enter - www.aeverydayblessedsoandso.blogspot.com

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJamie

Oh, GROSS. How about you forward on the bling from Boo to ME and I'll send you the squirrel skins my husband is curing in the garage. *shudder* Sounds like a fair trade, right?

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJen_Ann_W

you're redneck to the bone...kinda awesome!

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered Commentertony

I am not really 'blingy' either. But if THAT is the alternative Tanis... what would you call it? Road-killy? I am totally not that either!!

You so make me laugh though - and you also seem to be married to a great guy. Cause if you are gonna guess which way to go - Bling or Roadkill - I want a man that jumps to the diamond side of the road!!
:-)
BB

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBush Babe

Now you done it! The PETA people are gonna' go nuts!

UP

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterUP at Rednecklatte

OMG, Tanis. Those earrings are hilarious. The only way they could be better is if the middle claw was extended.

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSurviving Lotus Land

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