The Letting Go

Seven years ago I stood on the edge of the internet abyss, looked into the darkness and pressed 'publish' on my very first blog post.

Seven years. That's longer than my son Shale lived. It's longer than I've called Jumby my own.

It's been seven years since I sat in front of my computer, listened to the squeal of dial-up internet and contemplated starting my own blog. It was late at night, I was exhausted from too many nights filled with nightmares of my recently deceased son and I was dangerously close to losing myself. I was so very broken on the inside.

I've said it many times before, but I'll say it again. Blogging saved my life.

I didn't know how to navigate through a jungle of grief and I was exhausted from my efforts. I didn't know how I got to where I was and I couldn't find the way back to the person I used to be. I was lost in some weird labyrinth of life and loss and my compass was buried with my son.

I was desperate to feel something and to find myself and in one brief moment of clarity I realized the only way back to myself would be one word at a time.

And so Redneck Mommy was born.

First pic

First Internet Selfie! Holy batwoman, send out the bad hair signal!

With my very first post and every post after, I found a bit of the person I once was all while growing into someone new. I started to heal.

I never expected Redneck Mommy to grow into what she became. I never expected to find an audience, a community or even best friends. And yet, I found each of those things, and more.

I've loved, I've laughed and I've cried. I've been published in a book, in magazines and in newspapers across North America. I've spoken at conferences across two different countries, blogged from different corners of the world and I finally understand why roaming fees are the devil. I've been on television, the radio and the lady who runs the post office thinks I'm famous.

I'm not about to ruin her delusions about me. That would be cruel.

Redneck Mommy will always be a part of who I am. Just as I will always be the mother to a boy named Shale, I will always be the lady who thought it would be a good idea to publicly brand herself a redneck as she wrote about her blue thunder.

But who I am now no longer resembles who I was when I first started this blog. I hope I will never again be the person who was so wounded it hurt to breathe.

Time won't heal a mother's fractured heart. But it can help it hurt less.

My time here hasn't just been about healing and coping. It's been about growing and thriving. My kids weren't the only one who have been growing up and growing older these past seven years. I have too.

I've the not so fine lines around my eyes to prove it.

Right this moment.

Something's never change. Computer selfies and bad hair for the win.

My blog now feels a little like how my son's pants currently look. A little short around the ankles and too tight around the waist. It's time for a change.

For years now, I've talked about walking away from Redneck Mommy, but I've never been able to pull the trigger. I'm attached to this space and this identity and quite frankly, I was scared to let her go. I don't really know who I am if I'm not the wise cracking blogger with the cartoony blog.

It took me a while to figure out I'm not really the Redneck Mommy anymore. And when I realized I had begun dreading attaching myself to her, I knew it was time to let her go.

I'm grateful for my time in this space and for all the support, success and friendship I have found along the way. I am thankful for each of my readers and for everyone who has taken the time to share their thoughts and comments with me.

But it's time. I'm letting go.

All these years, all these words, and I finally found what I was looking for: Me.

It's time to stop fearing change and to keep growing into who I have become. It's time for me to just be me. Blue thunder and all.

I hope you'll stick around for my next chapter.

See you on the flip side.

Love Through The Xbox

I'm straddling the fence when it comes to Valentines day. Which, to be crude, because why not, will likely be the only straddling down this commercial holiday. I can't decide if I love it or loathe it.

My husband, bless his cotton socks, has done his best with my ambivalence about V-day. He's taken the middle road, the high road, the low road and every path in between.

This year, he's taken no road at all since he's stuck in a three-day workshop and all but forgotten what day it is. I'm okay with this. I've grown. We've been together almost 22 years, married for almost 16 and I no longer judge my value to him by the size of the box of chocolates he buys at the gas station for me.

Our romance runs deeper than that.

Like if he'll accept my game invitation when playing Call of Duty online. That's love, people.

My Valentine

 Jumby's Valentine to his father and I this morning. 

Fun fact: I dumped my husband on Feb. 10 when we were 16 years old because I wanted to avoid Valentines day. I still liked Boo but I didn't have a gift for him and I wasn't sure if his older brother was going to let him see me that day and I was just kind of over dating drama. So I dumped him. AND BROKE HIS HEART.

That decision, made as an immature, scared 16 year old has come back to haunt me more times than not in our long history together.

It turns out, older siblings have long memories when they see their baby brother heart broken and oh, there's nothing quite like giving your husband leverage for the rest of your lives together.

"Oh hey Tanis, remember that time you dumped me out of the blue, broke my heart and killed romance all because you didn't want to get off your duff to buy a two dollar Hallmark card for the boy who wanted to give you the moon? Ya. Good times."

He's forgiven me but he will never ever let me forget, either. It's a Taylor Swift song just begging to be written.

Yet, I can't just roll my eyes and write off Valentines day as an old married cynic either.

This year, I get to witness Valentines day through a new filter.

I'm watching my 16-year-old daughter go through her first Valentines day with an actual Valentine contender. Puppy love is contagious, as Abbott will confirm, but there really is something magical about young love, and hope and joy.

It's all so innocent.

Of course, it may all crash and burn on her in a few hours and thus another Valentine's cynic is born, but for right now, with all her blushing and school girl giggling, I'm able to experience this holiday in a way that I was too scared to do myself, all those years ago.

I'm not going to closely examine what it says about my life that I'm living vicariously through my children's teenage lives.


I'm just going to wrap myself in the knowledge that I am, in fact, so incredibly lucky to have loved as well as I have and I'm going to hope that my children love just as well. Regardless of how any of their Valentines days turn out.

As for my Valentines day, well I'm going to steal any candy my kids may receive, pour myself a glass of wine and see if I can't connect with my husband via the Xbox.

Nothing says love like kicking his arse in a game of violence.


Four years ago, my husband and I gave received the best Valentines present ever:

Our Valentine

We love you kid.

The Home. T

You know when you are surfing online and you stumble across something that you think, "Wow, that's cool," and you immediately start coveting said item?

Things like Katy Perry's bosoms or the latest iPad?

Don't look at me like that. They're nice bosoms.

Anyways, there I was, surfing online, reading blogs and then SHAZAM! Covet central. However, instead of Katy Perry's breasts or Apple's latest trinket, it was a tee shirt.

A t-shirt from The Home. T. Graphic tees with your home state printed on them. They not only look cool, but a portion of each sale is donated to Multiple Sclerosis research. I saw one and I thought, "I wish they had one for Canada." I have a soft spot for MS research. Boo's father, and my dad's best friend, Larry, had MS.

My dad and Boo's dad. Our daddies.

As soon as that thought bubble popped into my head, Ryan from The Home. T. tweeted me and asked if I wanted a shirt.

The internet is magic, I tell you.

Days later, there is a shirt in my mailbox. It was like this but you know, not really.

(God bless creative friends and the Vine app.)

So what does one do when they receive a free tee shirt from an awesome company?

Well, they ask their kid to grab your camera so that you can model its awesomeness for all the internet to see.

It sounds like a good plan, right?

Except your kid is annoyed with you because you punted him off the Xbox and he was right in the middle of winning some epic round of zombie slaying something or another and he has no real desire to help you live out your super model dreams.

Oh, and then there is the fact it's cold outside but you can't take pictures inside because your house is a mess and as much as you love the awesome soft (so soft!) tee shirt that magically appeared in your mailbox, you don't love anything enough to tidy off that kitchen counter or dust that coffee table so you need to try and corral your obstinate child outside with your camera so that you can walk the catwalk of fame on your front deck.

A little cold never hurt anyone, right?

Frosty arse cold.

That would be -18F/-44 F with wind chill. So you know. COLD.


I'm no quitter.

Colder than a witches...well, you know.

It's so cold I can't feel my face.

Turns out, at those temperatures, I am a quitter.

It was a short modeling career.

My time wearing the tee shirt was even shorter. My daughter came home, took one look at it and then magically jacked it out of my closet when I wasn't looking.

She has my eye for awesome, that kid.

So thanks Ryan, for making a fabulous shirt and sending it to me, all so that my daughter can steal it and wear it as her own. It was good while it lasted.

Teenagers aren't near as magical as the internet it turns out.

Great for gifts to give or for teenagers to steal out of your closet. Everyone loves a super soft tee shirt that reminds them of home. Especially when a portion of the proceeds go to help fund MS research. Check him out, his shirts and his cause are worth it.

Gratuitous puppy picture ftw.Abbott agrees.