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Monday
Dec212009

Redneck To The Rescue: A Holiday Gift Guide

Every year I like to take the time to stop what I'm doing (usually stuffing my face with rumballs and cursing about enduring endless amounts of paper cuts from a marathon gift wrapping session because, sadly there are no magical elves around to do it for me even though I happen to live on the doorstep of the damn North Pole) and sit back and appreciate the magic of the holiday season.

By 'appreciate the magic of the season' I mean 'mock' my husband.

My husband is a last minute shopper. He's been known to walk the aisles of Canadian Tire at closing hour on Christmas Eve, scouring for the perfect present to place beneath our tree with my name on it.

He's been known to confuse a set of steak knives, a cork screw and a lamp for the perfect present. I have been known to get all huffy and indignant while considering hurling said knives at his head.

Hey, not every Christmas moment has to be merry.

This year is proving to be no different than the dozen or so to precede it. Days before the trigger must be pulled and Boo has not a gift to lay under the tree. I figure he must thrive on last minute pressure.  Or have rocks for brains. Either way, he's cute so I won't kick him out of my bed for eating crackers.

I like to tease my husband because he is rather sexy when he gets all hot and bothered but after listening to an assortment of friends and family worry about how they haven't finished their holiday shopping I realized I could perhaps be of service to all the last minute shoppers roaming the malls aimlessly, wandering around looking for the perfect presents to hand out Christmas morning.

So the wheels started churning (which likely accounts for the high pitch squealing my dogs keep howling at) and I put together a useful little list of gifts to grab when pressed for time and cash.

It's Redneck Mommy's Last Minute Gift Grab. Because I'm all about the giving. And this way I can mock all those last minute shoppers while feeling useful. It's a total win-win. Heh.

After careful deliberation and a barrel of wine, I decided to stick with what I know best: Books. Because everyone loves a good book, right?

(Be thankful I didn't decide to write a list about the other thing I know best: sex toys. Because I considered it. Thanks to the cheap wine my husband plied me with last night.)

For the person who loves the classics but has a sick sense of humour:

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Pride and Prejudice and Zombies:  Zombie Mayhem!

Picture 1


Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and Zombie Jim: Mark Twain's Classic with Crazy Zombie Goodness

What is better than a little classic literature meshed with a little gore? It's brain candy. Heh.

*Both of these books may or may not already be under our tree because someone in this house is a wee twisted.

For the douchebag in your life:

Picture 2

The Quotable Douchebag: A Treasury of Spectacularly Stupid Remarks

Don't know a douchebag? Well, pass this puppy onto a person you know has been touched by a douchebag.

For the thinker who likes to laugh:

Picture 3

Monty Python and Philosophy: Nudge Nudge, Think Think

Who doesn't know someone who likes Monty Python? You can make them laugh and think all at once.

For the person you want to piss off:

Picture 4

If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans

Nothing says "I really don't like you" than giving them a taste of Coulter. It's the quickest way to be passive aggressive under the guise of gift giving I can think of.

For the cartoon loving poet in your life:

Picture 5

Poetry Comics: An Animated Anthology

This book also doubles as a coffee table book to make you look smart for all those uninvited guests dropping in over the holiday season. Or a good way to expose your kids to the wonderful world of poetry. Either way, win!

For the creative cook (or Homer Simpson's wife):

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Beer Cookbook: 101 Recipes With Beer

If you are like me, the one thing we always seem to have in our fridge is beer. Unless you are the adoption officials, which in that case, we never have a six pack of Stella Artois chilling but a drawer full of broccoli.

For the children in your life:

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The Twits

I read this book when I was eight years old and it is still one of my favourites. This may explain a lot in regards to my sense of humour.

Dallas_Clayton_ccover

An Awesome Book

The title of this book is self-explanatory. Perhaps one of the best children's books I have read as an adult and one I frequently hand out as gifts. All three of my children own their own copy.

For that hard to buy for person:

Picture 6

Zombie Haiku: Good Poetry For Your...Brains

Because Zombies and haiku all in one book? It gives a whole new meaning to AWESOME.

If you have read this entire post, you now have an insight to the types of gifts my loved ones often receive. Which will either make you worship me or pity them.

Either way, my work here is done.

« Spreading Christmas Cheer | Main | My Gift is My Song and This One's For You »

Reader Comments (38)

HAHAHAHA! Love the P&P with zombies...

December 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMFA Mama

Haiku AND Zombies? I'm swooning!

The Redneck Mommy
Just totally made my day
With book suggestions

There's the first page for your soon to be published Blogger Haiku book.

December 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterElly Lou

Oh how I love a good passive/aggressive gift. Gave one to the father-in-law that I wrote "Have a joyfull Christmas". His psycho first wife (and hubby's mother) is named Joy. I know he didn't get it, but at least it made me laugh since I NEVER EVER seem to get the correct gift, even when givng the catelog number. grrrrr Merry f-ing Christmas!

December 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer

Gifts?
Being I got married the day after Christmas, Boxing Day up there I guess it's called. (never did figure out why you guys had a day just to put on big over stuffed gloves and beat the hell out of each other. Must be a hockey thing, Eh?"

Anyway, since I was off the hook that year my wife said get me something black and sexy the following one.
Imagine my surprise when the thoughtfulness and care I spent turned into icy stares yule morning. I thought I did good.
For some reason a bright bowed box containing a black very warm (not cheap) ski jacket was not what she wanted. Lke it's what she needed, and it was black ! I still catch grief over it to this day, and she still insist it was a mans jacket,,,,,??? That was 40 years ago.

I should have bought her what I got an old girlfriend for Christmas one time. A red "Union Suit" with the drop down flap in the rear. Now that was something we both enjoyed ! And it was soft and warm too.

I'm a man.
I can change.
If I have too, I guess.

NOT,,, ;>)

December 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBob in Ohio

Please tell me you like Zombies. That would just totally make sense. They are my passion. I was reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies on vacation last summer and next to me was a woman reading the "Real" Novel. I felt like a jackass. I wear that with pride, obviously! Happy Holidays Buddy!

December 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterOut-Numbered

I think we need a zombie monty python. The knights who say Ni could then ask for brains instead of shrubbery. Brilliant. Or perhaps I'm just a douchebag for thinking that was brilliant. damn. and now for something completely different...

December 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHockeymandad

Huck Finn and Zombie Jim? Awesome!

December 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMad Woman

I guess I should add, now we just tell each other to go get what we really want for Christmas ourselves. It save a hell of a lot of time in the return lines.
And I think I should have quoted Steve Smith (aka Red Green) on my first post.

Bob

December 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBob in Ohio

I just watched this cool documentary on Monty Python on PBS. Did you know they included those animated pieces by Terry Gilliam just so they didn't have to come up with endings to their skits, remarkable similar to when bloggers put up posts about "gift-giving" as filler material when we're too busy shopping for Christmas to write a good post. But hey, at least you wrote something this week! I haven't done anything in two weeks!

December 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNeil

I'd like a book on how to train children to run the house so mom can ignore her duties and blog all day...got one of those?

December 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMama Kat

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Tanis Miller, Tanis Miller. Tanis Miller said: Redneck Mommy to the Rescue! New post up. It's all about the giving around here. http://bit.ly/8BOP3P Go get helped. [...]

That Awesome Book looks awesome. Thanks for the tip - just ordered.

December 21, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermagpie

Damn if I don't love zombies books. Damn if I don't love getting them on a discount, too. Damn that I have to buy them myself, though, because my husband? Yeah, he's the type to buy damn toasters.

Thanks for that.

I watched "Dawn of the Dead" with a friend and swerved all the way home thinking every mailbox I saw was a zombie. She and I had planned on seeing a chick flick, but it had already started...

She held my hand the whole ride home.

I HATE Scary movies and books, they give me nightmares. Though, this holiday season, I am channeling a movie I saw as a teenager, "The Children Under The Stairs" because if my 10, 12, & 14 year old kids don't stop bickering that's where they're going to end up.

Merry Days,
RebeccaFlys.blogspot.com

December 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRebecca

its to bad i have all my shoping done as i would love some of tose zombie books to buy for myself and others in my family. i even have a ex mother in law that i would love to give that douchbag book too.lol hope you and your family have a awsome christmas and a great new years.

December 21, 2009 | Unregistered Commentervancouver island redneck

I actually have to read P&P/ zombies for one of my courses. It better be good.

December 21, 2009 | Unregistered Commenteramandashea17

That's the second time I've noticed the P & P with Zombies book...will have to check, check ,check it out!

December 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAlex

All well and good until you have a family member who is functionally illiterate due to dyslexia and dysgraphia and who was shuttled into the "'tard" classes in the 60s. Books are paperweights in their eyes, as you should well know.

December 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterPattyBoots

Ahhh, zombies! Since you've got three in your collection already, add another:

http://www.amazon.com/Breathers-Zombies-S-G-Browne/dp/0767930614" rel="nofollow">"Breathers" by S G Browne

Good stuff! :D

[Read it now before it is a movie, even!]

December 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAl_Pal

Thanks! I bought the beer cookbook for my dad and The Twits for my kiddos.

December 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermommiebear2

Okay, I *almost* bought Pride & Prejudice Zombies!! I kept going back to the table... touching it like some fine undergarment... then quickly pulled my hand away each time a stranger would eyeball me.

I might go back and get it this week.

December 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSugar Jones

I knew I liked you for more than your good looks*. I have two books on that list already, and will be purchasing more. I mean, classics, poetry and zombies? You just can't go wrong.
*and by good looks, you look kinda sorta similar to me, except better.

December 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDale

We actually bought my boyfriend's grandfather that Ann Coulter book. But not as a joke. We think he'll like it. That scares me.

December 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMichele

So you're a bit zombie-obsessed, are you?

I'm such a last minute shopper that the token gift I'm sending to you won't get there until fucking January. This is because you live in the middle of nowhere.

December 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAvitable

My aunt re-gifted that very same Coulter book to me last Christmas. My husband gleefully tore that sucker piece by piece and used it to start the charcoal in the grill this summer, taunting her picture the whole way.

"Get used the flames, Annie, get used to the flames."

Trish

December 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTrish

Honest to God, we bought my son's Godfather "Christmas Carols for Zombies". "Fresh brains roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost biting off your nose..." Brings a tear to my eye ;) My 6 year old son particularly likes "Rudolph the Zombie Reindeer". And as for Ann Coulter - I admit, I'm conservative - but she scares the hell outta me!

December 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterellieranc

Wow. I saw the first book...and with the zombie title change and all, I thought these were all going to be Photoshop "embellished" covers and not real at all, just...well...funny. UNTIL I got to the Ann Coulter book. That's when I realized that you INDEED had compiled a list of REAL horrifying literature. LOL ;)

December 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLori

I LOVE ZOMBIES ! they are so cute and cuddly. My favorite zombie movie is "Shaun of the Dead."
If you havn't seen it,do so , you'll laugh, you'll cry' you'll want brains!

Love Trish's comment. "Get used to the flames." Har!

December 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterklaatu

The Awesome book made me cry! I know of too many kids who aren't dreaming big. (or can't dream big)

December 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMaoMao's Mommy

I almost hate to admit this, but I put "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" on my 'must read' list just the other day.

December 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCalamity Anne

P&P and Zombies was my summer vacation read this year. I loved it! Buy it, you'll definitely enjoy it! And for amandashea17, what class are you taking where it is required reading? That sounds awesome!

December 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRenee

Where's World War Z?? Best zombie book ever!

December 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersara10

P&P and Zombies was my xmas gift from sis this year. Also got S&S and Sea Monsters, which I haven't read yet. P&P&Z is great fun for the first half or so, but the joke wears a little thin after a while. Still worth a smile for us stodgy old English teachers.

December 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGette

Brilliant :-)
See.. I should have made those oreo truffles with bourbon or rum or kahlua or something... darnit. :-)

I love Roald Dahl, and I loved the Twits.
Going to find The Awesome Book for my kids now ;-) thanks for the recommendation, T.

December 24, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterrachel-asouthernfairytale

I just received the Quotable Douchebag book as a present this year... I wonder what they were trying to tell?

It's funny as hell, by the way.

December 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterClark Kent's Lunchbox

So....what did he get you? I haven't seen a recent post, so can I only assume that upon seeing your gift you killed him a fit of rage and are now in jail. It's the romantic in me....

December 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterChris Nelson

Can I put you in charge of all of my book purchases in 2010?

December 31, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMr Lady

I think I will ask for the zombie haiku for my birthday, I need to see how those two things actually work when combined!

January 1, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterpixielation

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