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Love Letters

***I don't know how I found my next guest poster, but I'm sure glad I did. Reading Slick is like having a conversation with my very favorite redneck cousins at our annual family reunion. Except I suspect my family members are prettier than Slick. And may have more teeth. Grin.***

After deleting numerous pictures Tanis sent me and ignoring her constant IM's, I finally caved in and decided to guest post for her. Being a redneck myself, although not a shitty Canadian one, I figured it wouldn't be so bad helping her out.

I mean c'mon....I have 4 children so I'm actually excited about getting to participate in something called a "Weiner Week" that doesn't produce another mouth to feed!

I'm just not big into the whole waving my willy around.


Anyhow, speaking of willys...let's get to the meat of this post.

A while back, I picked up one of my daughters from school. On the way out, I noticed she was clutching a folded piece of notebook paper.

"What you got there Sweetie?" I asked.

"A love letter." she replied.

I stopped dead in my tracks.

I look down to see the grinning face of my 9 year old princess.

"Can I see it?"

She handed me the paper.

I saw no stick people holding hands, no "I Luv U's", and no hand drawn flowers....

Apparently "Brandon" is so stuck on himself, he wrote his own name 50 times, handed it to my daughter, and called it a love letter.

As I waited for her to buckle herself in, I thought to myself that if these are the only kind of love letters that she ever gets, I'll be one happy Dad.

Once home, I enlisted the help of my 14 year old son.

"Jay, do you know who this Brandon fella is at her school?"

"No, Dad."

"Find out, report back to me tomorrow."

As sweet as it was, I ain't havin' NONE of it. Not with my little girls.

I flop around like a fish out of water when my wife even mentions bras, make up, and the grown up women stuff in their presence.

The less they know, the better.

Well, unless it's about panty liners because....you know, my furniture isn't paid off yet.

Other than that, my little girls aren't EVER gonna grow up!

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Reader Comments (39)

Brandon sounds like a stalker in training...I'm just sayin!


August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHallie

My husband is the same way with our daughter.All I can do is laugh at him because no matter what you do you can't stop what is bound to happen.Someday in the not so distant future your daughter is going to wind up dating someone like you. That makes my husband cringe every time I say it to him. I hope that makes you feel a bit more at ease (NOT)

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commentertina L

Oh, no, I disagree. I have every confidence that Slick is going to stop time. Which will be good for everybody -- he won't freak, and his daughter won't have to meet the grown-up version of Brandon.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterEllie

good luck with that Slick.
My daughter is 17 now and we tried. It didn't work.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSandi

We had a similar conversation last night at dinner with our 9 yr old boy, who was just introduced to the world of lockers. He mentioned a few girls had received anonymous notes in their lockers. Before the husband could encourage any such behavior, I immediately & firmly interjected that children caught doing so would receive detention if not out of school suspension and those kids never see their Nintendos again. Not that I worry my son would have the balls to leave a note for any cute girl, he's just not smart enough to not sign his entire name. And he likes to draw pictures that are sometimes questionable to the eye of the holder.

The girl on the other hand, now that is just plain fun to mess with hubby. He is determined to keep her windows nailed shut until she is 40. Then I remind him of the chisel and hammer he brought with him to my own bedroom window years ago. And of course the far from soft porn detailed letters he used to write me in high school- that my Mom STILL has to this day! Dinners there are still a little uncomfy for him ;).

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterO'Neal

LMAO. You sound exactly like my dad did. And you know what happened to me. I grew up. Hit my growth spurt AFTER high school. And went crazy in college. Then I got married and had twins. Now I've got another on the way and I'm practically an angel...hehe. Don't keep her too closely under your wing, Slick, or when she does get some freedom, she'll go apeshit and screw anything that moves. Not that I did that in college but I was known to flash my funbags around a little...hehe. Good luck there but I wouldn't count on lifetime virginity...it just ain't gonna happen.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterVicki

LMAO. Classic ending.
And at least tell her to not go for the narcissistic types. She can stand to learn that now. :)

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMaria

yes... it goes quick!!! 11 years ago i moved in next door to a classic new England family... both neighbors, the husband, Jim, and his wife, trish were also local born and raised...we did not know each other, but knew people we grew up with... well, they had a 12 year old son, and an 8 year old daughter... when i had girlfriends over the little one would post a sign in her window that would read "Kiss Her"... now she is 18, going on 27, and brings home her boyfriends...her boyfriends have no idea what kind of trouble they are in , until it's way too late!!!!... she leaves for college tomorrow!!! ugh, do i feel old!!! she too plans "World Domination"... and if certain traits are inherited, smarts from her dad, good looks and diabolical female intuition from her mom, the whole world is in her reach!!!

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCapt jeff

Dude, I have it way worse....

My ankle biter, who is not even 3 yet has been talking about "Joshua's juicy kisses" and how "Townes kisses are dry!" I had 6 heart attacks in a damn row!!

Now, my problem is the boys in question are also 2-3. I have chatted with the parents already in order to stop the "tot lip lock."

People wonder why I am going crazy and gray! Good post, I enjoyed your suffering.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterFiesty Charlie

If only you could wrap her in porcupine quills. That might make things easier.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJim

I have three daughters 15, 11, and 3 and one son 12. Let me tell you time is a juggernaut that cannot be stopped. No matter how hard you try. When the oldest brought home her first guy Hubby almost lost it. When the 11 yr old came home and told us about her new boyfriend he went out and bought a shovel. Literally. And until that moment he actually liked the boy. When the 3 yr old told him that the 11 yr olds boyfriend was really going to be her boyfriend he almost cried. When the boy came home with a phone number for some girl he volunteered to drive them where ever they wanted to go. Too bad I will be using the car that night, no matter what night it is. Some litle hussy out with my boy...I don't think so.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCindy

Well, I'll die happy knowing that being Mexican I will NEVER be called Redneck. ;) Just curious, how does one become a Redneck? Is it something you do to be dumped into that catagory or are you lucky bastards just born into it, like white trash royalty or something?

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCece

Yeah good luck, I didn't want mine to grow up either. She's 20 now. Now I can't wait for her to hit the happy trails. Sounds bad but there can only be one mom in any one house. Good luck with the boys too. They're creepy little characters!

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenter~kat

My 11 year old boy draws pictures of dragons and gives them to girls. Could this count as a love letter? This makes him either a middle school stud, or utterly oblivious to all the girls clamoring for one of his study hall originals.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterFADKOG

And that is exactly why my 17 yr old got the bedroom farthest away from Bill's 16 & 17 yr old daughter's bedrooms.

Oh, and it could be worse... Brandon could have stolen her purse as some warped souvenier and hid it in the cave that is his bedroom where only he knows where it is. That is, until his stepmom finds it and demands to know why he took it. Wait? What? No... I didn't have any experience like that with my pseudo-stepson. Nope. *looks guilty*

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSue

I think Brandon needs to be taken out. I volunteer if you'll return the favor when Jessie gets one of those "love notes."

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBennie

I have to agree. You need to get the low-down on this Brandon dude. Especially if the best he can do is narcisistically write his own name and pronounce that a 'love letter'. She needs to set all the little boys in her future to really high expectations (her dad's expectations). Otherwise, I think you're going to be locking her in her room till she's 30.
I had two boys and I tried to teach them how to treat girls. So far, so good.

Brandon? More like Romeo. That's some smooth shit.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWhit

Did Slick just type panty liners? Bahwahahahaha

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterchristina_the_wench

Ignorance is bliss. Especially when they turn teenagers. Trust me, used to be one! :)

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSpecial K

Nice one, Slick! Good mindset to have!

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterShades

Someone needs to tell that poor girl to expect more from a boy than his signature before she gets her heart broken by some little creep like that!

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterFancy

Oh man, the panty liner line was comical!! Cute story..........

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLive.Love.Eat

My five year old, who just started Kindergarten yesterday, has already been married and divorced twice. I don't know what this says about his future, but god help me.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterUndomestic Diva

Stalking begins at a young age- we have 12 year old prostitots parading themselves on our street every week.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSam

Ha! Good luck making that happen, dude.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWendy

This Brandon character clearly needs knocked the fuck out. Additionally, my three year old recently picked up a boyfriend at church. My husband is not very thrilled about her crush, so has been telling her that the boy eats his boogers. We have no idea if the kid eats his boogers or not. but perhaps you should try that approach. :)

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterShamelessly Sassy

I know Rednecks. You people are not Rednecks. Not even close.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBubba

Do you have your gun out ready to clean on the porch when the dates arrive? That's the real redneck thing to do.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commentershonda

PLEASE stop time slick!!! Please! Kayla isn't 21 yet and I want to torment her some more....

great ending!

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterredgael

wow... you mommies are brutal... cant even give a young guy a snowballs chance in hell to score... for all you mommies teach your little girls, vice will always find a way to over cum ... remember, we all had a "first time"

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCapt jeff

well, mine's made it to 25 w/out being pregnant, so i'll take my bow now thankyouverymuch!!

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterlibby

sorry libby... i was not infering 'prego'... only the fun of vice... please spank me for implication...

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCapt jeff

I'm thinking about tearing down the wall that has a window in their room and replacing it with a 7 inch steel plate.

Anyone know what company makes the best padlocks??

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSlick

Ahhhhhh Slick. You make me glad I have two boys.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer McKenzie

OMG! I seriously can't breathe after that panty liner bit! OMG! Fan freaking tastic!

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterUntypically Jia

OMG...I hadn't thought about panty liners and my furnitures. Slick, you're just a fountain of knowledge. :P

August 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterShoshana

Following your guest blogger. A good sweet manly post. I think I'll make a couple of trips back this week to get my feet wet.

August 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAce C



October 15, 2008 | Unregistered Commentergrace

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