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Friday
Aug292008

Live Life Like Crazy

***As the grand finale for Wiener's Week at Redneck's, I bring you Black Hockey Jesus. I'm always extra nice to him, just in case he has an in with the OTHER Jesus. I'm ALL about networking. Heh.***


When I started reading Attack Of The Redneck Mommy, I thought Tanis Miller was just another hilarious blogger who liked to run around naked outdoors. Generally, this is enough to hold my attention and get a blogger added to my reader. Then I figured out she has nipple rings and I was a straight up fan (Did you catch that part about being “straight up�? Pay attention. My writing has layers). Nipple rings evoke imagination about… other things. My wife used to have nipple rings. The first time I saw them, my already strong feelings for her blossomed into the love that evolved into the rock that is our marriage. I will state my moral outright: Nipple rings can change the world.

But then I kept reading and discovered that it’s been almost 3 years since her 4-year-old son died. When I learned this, Tanis took on a complexity I wanted to know more about. I wanted to know her, to drink coffee with her, and talk for hours. But then I realized this was impossible because she lives in Canada. Crossing the border into Canada freaks me out. I’m totally paranoid that I bought my used Saturn Vue from a methamphetamine addict who left a big chunk of ice hidden in some compartment I don’t know about. And then those border guards would wave their magic meth radar gun through my car and throw me in some Canadian jail made of bamboo with a dirt floor and a mangy rat would be my only companion for like 14 years. I’ll stick with email, Complex Tanis.

If you’ve ever read my blog, The Wind In Your Vagina, then you know I’m kinda creepy and obsessed with death and bones and stuff like that. You should read it. There’s a lady in Illinois who reads it every day and she really likes it. Plus my Mom thinks it’s the bomb. And people who Google shit like “ghost vagina pigeons�—they’re avid readers. Anyway, I’m totally freaked out by the inevitability of my own death. When I was 14 my buddy Chris was killed by a car and it turned me into a super broody dude who wrote kick ass poems about black stuff and nightmares. I actually asked Chris if he would let me interview him for my guest post at Attack Of The Redneck Mommy, and he happily obliged.

BLACK HOCKEY JESUS: So Chris, you’re dead. That’s pretty trippy. Tell us about it.
GHOST OF DEAD CHRIS: Well, being dead is a lot radder than you’d think.
BHJ: Really? That reminds me of a favorite Whitman line of mine. “To die is different from what any one supposed, and luckier.�
GODC: Exactly. It’s really hard to explain. But Walt Whitman was usually on the money.
BHJ: Well that sounds comforting and all but death still makes me edgy. Here’s something I wonder about a lot. Are you like, you know, still 14? Are you trapped in 1986? Do you still think Run-DMC’s Raising Hell is the roper dopest? Because you missed out on Tupac, bro. Tupac pushed that shit to the extreme.
GODC: No, I know Tupac.
BHJ: Wait. You fucking know Tupac? Like know him know him?
GODC: Yeah I know Pac. And before you ask, yes, I dig The Mountain Goats.
BHJ: But how the hell can you dig The Mountain Goats? You’ve been dead for 22 years!
GODC: It’s hard to explain. But when you die, it’s like. It’s like you know… everything.
BHJ: Dude you’re blowing my mind!
GODC: I know I know. It’s goofy. Of course dying destroys everyone who loves you. I saw how hard it was for you and Danny and my Mom. But that destruction—it’s like its own little education about dying itself. It’s hard to die. Just like it’s hard to be born. But being dead itself? It’s fucking sweet. Trust me.
BHJ: I don’t buy it. Dude you never even got any tail.
GODC (laughing): Dude. Sex is merely the tiniest little peek at death. You’re just on your knees looking through the keyhole, my man. Mortals crack me up.
BHJ: Well I’m glad you get such a kick out of my existential anxiety, Chris.
GODC: I’m sorry, man. But really, you’ve got nothing to worry about. I’m serious. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not trashing life. You should live your life like crazy. Live your life on the edge of a knife. I’m certainly not trying to rush you toward death. There’s plenty of time to be dead.
BHJ: Word, Chris. That was dope. But listen. I’ve got one more thing. A few years ago I ordered some pancakes for breakfast and was shocked to discover that your Mom was my waitress. And even after all these years, she still had that deep soulful sadness in her eyes. It still kinda haunts me, you know? If you could, what would you tell her? What would you tell Tanis?
GODC: Wow that’s tough. I would avoid all that trite stuff about a better place and meeting again and all that. Everybody tells them that. And I think they know all that. I would want to evoke for them a kind of huge cosmic container in which everything is ultimately OK. You know? But I wouldn’t tell them that everything is OK, because it’s not. Actually, everything kinda sucks when you think about it hard enough. Man, I’m pressing up against what language can say here. I guess I’d just say:

Mom. Tanis. Everything sucks. But that’s OK.




« Middle School Madness | Main | Love Letters »

Reader Comments (48)

Dude. Like, duuuuuude. Just hours ago I chucked a hunk of dirt on my Grandfathers coffin. I mean, like 6 hours ago. I am sitting here in my funeral finery, just kicking off my shoes to do some mindless lovin on my girl Tanis, and I read this.

Freaking cracked my shit up. Tell Chris to show my Grandpa a good time, K? I am thinking a bit of bungee.

Oh and do they have trampoline rooms up there, cause that would be awesome.

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKelley

wow... amazing post!

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered Commentertatoca

Tell Chris he's gotta try my great-grandma's corn bread and to have to popcorn with my great-grandpa. They'd like him.

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKatrina

Hey BHJ,
I think Chris summed it up perfectly. When someone dies it really does suck. That really is o.k. It is o.k. to miss someone and feel like there is a hole in your heart. It is part of being human. Oh and tell Chris to look up my buddy Shelby up there, they would totally get along, they were the same age when they died.

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKat

That was a good interview but I think you forgot to ask him if Elvis is really there. Or if he has partied with Jim Morrison and Janis now that would be a good time.

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered Commentertina L

Does the Xanax have anything to do with the ability of talking to your ghost friends? Maybe I need another pink one or a few blues...I totally need to talk to my MIL- ASAP.

And I've just discovered your BHJ place over there, good stuff to take my mind off of things!

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterO'Neal

Black Hockey Jesus.

Ohhhhh, Black Hockey Jesus.

(you know the rest of this tired old love letter, dude.)

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermaggie, dammit

How often do you talk to Chris? Weekly? Monthly?
A very well-known young man from my hometown died this week. The part you wrote about Chris's mom reminded me of what I know his mom will feel like forever. I think I will tell her that, yes, this sucks and it's okay.

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered Commentershonda

In the same way that GODC has a hard time describing what he would tell his Mother and Tanis - that is what I have to say to you about what your writing does to me all of the time. Damn BHJ!

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterhandsthreerwe

GODC is the shit. Typical star-fucking BHJ to save the good dead friend for a guest appearance on an established blog. I love that brilliant bastard. Except when he questions my sanity. Cuz my therapist actually sez I'm remarkably sane, and dude roast me for something REAL, like how my organic whole raw foods diet went to shit in the days leading to The Baby's Big Medical Appointment At The Fancy Hospital and yesterday I bought a large chocolate shake on my way home from therapy. COME GIVE ME SHIT ABOUT MY COTTAGE-CHEESE THIGHS, BHJ, and I'll be crying too hard to talk smack about you on my friend's comments. But question my sanity? That just makes me giggle with superiority

But, only from great intelligence can there grow great madness, and his madness is dope, so he's good people in my book. Especially for that part about "on your knees looking through the keyhole." You know his wife falls asleep smiling and it's what I would wish for her at the very least, for having to live with the dude.

Tanis, are you coming back tomorrow then? Or making us wait until Monday? YOU NEVER WRITE. YOU NEVER CALL.

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterEliza

Best guest post ever.
I've never read BHJ, but I'm sure I'll never miss a post from now on.
Amazing.

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterNancy

Oh man all my favorite crazy in one place.

You both break my heart a little, all the time, in different ways. You're also awesome. Thank you for blogging.

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMaria

Oh, crap. Awesome. You'll be a regular read now for sure.

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterFishyGirl

There's something weird in my throat and my eyes feel like they might... spill. That's as much as you're getting from me, BHJ.

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterUndomestic Diva

So poignant.

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCasey

I am so sick of everyone choking on this guy's cock. this wasn't even close to good.

I teach high school kids who write better than him.

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterunimpressed

That actually kinda made me cry, and BHJ, you never make me cry. You make me laugh.

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMiss Grace

And, dear unimpressed, I don't choke on his cock, classy girls suppress their gag reflex :)

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMiss Grace

One of my best friends committed suicide when we were in middle school, by jumping off of a bridge onto a railroad yard. It turns out she'd gotten pregnant, and thought her dad would disown her.

Every year after that, someone I know has died. And dude, I'm 30 so that's a whole lotta people. It makes my neuroses about one of my kids or my husband dying seem somewhat understandable, no?

I don't think anyone can ever get over death. You grieve, you go on to live your life, yes, but it's right there with you. You wear it on your face and in your eyes and in your smile. Maybe if I got a nipple ring to symbolize each person's death, it would make it a little cooler. Although, my shirts might fit funny.

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAndrea's Sweet Life

Dear Unimpressed.

I never choke on anyone's cock. If you read me with any sort of regularity you would know this.

I have a proposition for you: Feel free to send me something you've written and we'll put it to the test. Get the people to vote.

Let the world decide who's cock is bigger. Yours or BHJ.

In the mean time, I'll just stick with the cocks I know and lather them with attention and care. BHJ's included.

I'm thoughtful like that.

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRedneck Mommy

Dude. Made me cry.

Unimpressed - not since I learned that little trick about suppressing the gag reflex.

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSuebob

I have conversations like this with my son all the time.

Except I can't bring myself to swear around the kid and I am a lot dorkier in the choice of music selection.

Which is ok. I wear my love of Air Supply and orchestral soundtracks like a badge of honor.

Good job, hockey.

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLoralee

I have conversations like this in my head with my son all the time.

Except I can't bring myself to swear around the kid and I am a lot dorkier in the choice of music selection.

Which is ok. I wear my love of Air Supply and orchestral soundtracks like a badge of honor.

Good job, hockey.

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLoralee

Great job, BHJ. Morbidity suits you.

Unimpressed- I don't choke. And I don't swallow, either.

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSam

suppressing the gag reflex?? SUPPRESSING THE GAG REFLEX??? Why hasn't anyone shared this with me??? Damn it!!

Loved this post - made me a little verklempt. (or however you spell it) GODC needs to make more appearances - Either here or at BHJ. I'm just sayin'

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterwhere have I been?

I'm an instant fan. Loved it.

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLylalou

Another great glimpse into that crazy ass mind of BHJ. Thanks Redneck Mommy!

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBrenda

Hi Tanis, the blog looks great, and I bravey peeped at a couple posts, but haveadmit to going no further because I should be working, and to be honest I'm scared of reading tragic, fuck me up things about your son, when this post has already messed me up enough already.

It sucks but that's ok is good, it's right, but it still maked me convulse with a deep down sob for some reason.

Come visit sometime. Jo

oh yeah, I reckon unimpressed is getting no head, no head at all.

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterjo

I must say that unimpressed seems to have triggered the bj in all of us...LOL.

BHJ, I liked it. And that's saying a lot because you know those of us who don't write on a blog have the most important opinions...*rolls eyes*.

I still liked it though. Tell your bud to look up my brother. He was twenty when he died in a car wreck and he'd love to hang with Tupac and your friend Chris. He sounds that cool. Nicely done, man.

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterVicki

ACK, Sorry can't talk right now mouth FULL!...lol

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer S^N

Will someone PULLEEEEZE have this swallow reflux conversation with my wife?

And speaking of dicks, why does someone like "unimpressed" have to be the veritable turd in the punch bowl (VTIP)? BHJ, well done. And Tanis, I wuz a wee bit bit jealous you didn't choose another redneck from the South but I have to say these were some excellent choices.

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBennie

That was really deep. So deep I might actually start reading your blog again. Now I know where the bitterness comes from anyway. :)

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWendy

"Then I figured out she has nipple rings and I was a straight up fan (Did you catch that part about being “straight up�? Pay attention. My writing has layers). "

That was only the first time you made me laugh. Your writing kicked my teeth into a permagrin. That's more than enough to earn a spot in my reader. Thanks.

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWriter Dad

I often think of what my mom would say if she had a chance to speak beyond the grave and i'm pretty sure it would be "put some goodness into the world. it needs it."
to a large extent that's what's attracted me most about this kind of blogging. it's writing... coming from a good place. the humor just adds to it.

August 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPAPA

That was strangely beautiful. I loved it.
Awesome guest post.

August 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKaren MEG

Fantastic guest post.

My dad died 7 years ago. My brother, sister and I were in the "receiving line" at the funeral home for the wake (my mom had died 15 years earlier). We were devasted; we thought he would beat his cancer (he died 8 weeks after diagnosis). You know how everyone always says the same thing - "I'm sorry for your loss" - and I know that they don't know what else to say . . . Well, this one lady came up to us - super classy, extremely well-dressed, gorgeous hair/makeup, etc. - and took my hand, and said "This just really sucks". That was the best thing that anyone said to me. Because if really did just suck. I'll never forget it. My siblings and I still talk about that.

Thank you for the post - I loved it. Ignore "unimpressed". There always has to be one in every crowd . . .!

August 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMel

I recently became a fan of BHJ, and now I am a Redneck Mommy fan as well.

I would love to write some witty little ditty about the awesome-ness of BHJ and this epic post, but words fail me. This = literally too awesome for my dime-store attempts at witticism.

August 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMadame Butterfly

I'm a fan of anyone whose blog is entitled "The Wind In Your Vagina".

Very cool post. Very cool indeed.

*****
Hi Tanis you crazy ass, B. How the hell are ya?

August 31, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkimmyk

Boy, isn't the internet all screwed up? I mean, here your all all, anonymous, saying whatever, without any accountability, no checks and balances. I think you should get real lives. Beyond this Blog. Get a real life.

August 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRon Eade

unimpressed and Ron Eade. Fuck off. If you don't like it....don't read it. Tanis is great, a good mother, wonderful person (from what I have seen/read) inspires me and I liked all her guest posters. Trolls need to go back under the bridges from where they came. Like I said, If you don't like it, don't read it and don't freaking post comments, there are thousands of websites out there find one you like.

August 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJen

Dear Ron Eade,

Ehem.

First, I find the fact that you are ON this blog spouting off for everyone to "get a life" OUTSIDE of this blog highly amusing and ironic.

And?

You don't speak for me. I take full accountability for everything I say on the internet. Real name, town, and everything.

Just because you have your full name hanging out there on your comment doesn't give you license to be total and complete douchebag.

Stop being an asshat, Ron. It makes you look like an idiot.

Kisses,

Loralee Choate

August 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLoralee Choate

BHJ will now equal Blow H. Job, or BJ for short, in my mind. (incidentally, that's a scary place to be, I wouldn't recommend it) Except I am not going down on him because he quit following me on twitter, and I am bitter like that. So he missed his chance.

Trolls belong under bridges, so unimpressed and Ron Eade, go back where you came from.

Methinks you are just jealous that no one wants to go down on you.

T.

August 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterT@SendChocolate

I've loved the guest week! Not that I don't normally love the blog, but, yeah, Guest weeks been cool.

And with Ron Eade, I didn't get past the second sentence. Someone who thinks that "Here you all all" makes sense, doesn't get respect off of me.

September 1, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKath

My son will be dead 17 years on October 4 and I've dreaded this year as he will be gone as long as he was here with me. We never ever get over this we merely exist and love our children any way we can...

So whatever way gets you through the day is what we do...what others think really doesn't help us nor does it matter....my best and

Love and hugs...

Dorothy from grammology
www.grammology.com

September 1, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDorothy Stahlnecker

Since so many of you mentioned being able to supress the gag reflex... Will someone please tell me how you do it? Please? Because the whole gagging thing kinda turns me off, ya' know? Thanks. :)

September 1, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWendy

I find it somehow spiritually fulfilling that this bittersweet (though uplifting, overall) post touching on the death of children ended up reveling in the life-affirming discussion of blow job techniques, all thanks to the venom of a pathetic and miserable troll.

It's clear we're all living life to the fullest, the best we can, because as they say, we're all in this together and no one gets out alive. Blow jobs make people happy, and we're right to get into detailed discussions about how to improve them for givers and receivers. Now just let me go get either a notebook or my wife, whichever I find first, while you all get just a little more specific and detailed about your tips and tricks.

September 3, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLiteralDan

Just want to say thanks to you both for your incredible honesty and fantastic writing.

I hate the bullshit platitudes that people sometimes feel compelled to give, when someone dies: "It was meant to be. He's in a better place," etc.

I know it's meant to help, but the truth is, it DOES just suck.

The only silver lining I can see is that it forces us to appreciate the gifts we DO have in our limited time on this planet.

Thanks again and aloha to "Tanius" and BHJ.

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBabyShrink

I'm reading this for the first time from BHJ's living room. Where choking on cock is simple.

August 7, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterfather muskrat

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