The Boob Whisperer

**I have a soft spot in my heart for Danny Evans. His blog, Dad Gone Mad, was one of the few things that could momentarily make me forget I was a grieving mother struggling to cope with the pain of suddenly losing my child. Danny is partially responsible for why I started blogging. He inspired me. Plus, I knew I could do it better than him. Heh.**

I'm not sure if this is the first guest post I've ever written, but it's definitely the first one I've ever written for a fucking redneck. A Canadian redneck. A Canadian redneck with children. A Canadian redneck with children, a filthy mind, and the distinction of having been the first person ever to have referenced her boob rings� in an interview with CNN.

Larry King: East Bumfuck Canada, hello.�

Tanis: Hi, Larry. It's an honour to be on your show“ and that's honour with a U, as in U wanna see my boob rings?

Larry King: (drops dead)

(Ed. Note: What's up with the Canadians and their fucking U's? It would be an honour for thouse of us whou speak English if you sunza bitches would learn houw to spell.)

Indeed, there's a lot about Tanis (or is it Tanius) to tease, but my favorite is the fact that she's one of the most misguided sports fans known to walk the earth. (That is, if you consider Canada part of earth.) See, Tanis The Boob Whisperer roots for the Edmontoun Oileurs. Are you hockey fan? If you're still reading this, you must not be. Because anyone who knows jack squat about hockey is guffawing himself or herself into severe bladder-control peril right now. The Oileurs?! Can U be serious?

Here in the land of literacy and spell-check, we know Tanis's team as the Oilers. Also as One of the Worst Teams in Hockey Right Now.

Larry King: East Bumfuck Canada, hello.

Tanis: Hi, Larry. It's an honour to be on your show. How bout those Oilers!

Larry King: (shits his pants, drops dead)

One of my closest friends, Dave The Ass-Spelunker, is Canadian as well. He grew up near Montreal, and despite the fact that he lives 10 minutes away from the Honda Center, home of the Anaheim Ducks (who are one year removed from The Stanley Cup), he still roots for his beloved Habs, who have probably forgotten what The Cup even looks like. But I give Dave at least a smidge of credit for finally seeing the light and moving his sorry ass-spelunking ass down to the U.S., where the cool people chill.

(As an aside, Dave The Ass-Spelunker's name is derived from the fact that he is a gastroenterologist. Part of his job is to remove objects that the fine folks of Southern California accidentally shove up their asses in pursuit of the perfect prostate massage. Dave and I were out playing golf one afternoon, and after consuming at least a six-pack apiece I said this:

"Hey, Dave? What's the weirdest thing you've ever pulled out of someone's ass?"

Dave thought for a moment, or perhaps he just thought he was about to throw up, and then he said, "Uh, that would be an eight-inch black dildo."

Wow,� I said. Eight inches! Was the patient's name Tanis by any chance?

Dave cited an annoying American law called HIPAA  which I believe to be an acronym for Hey, It's a Private Asshole, Asshole! as the reason why he couldn't reveal the identity of the aforementioned bedildoed cornhole. But I think anyone who reads Tanis The Boob Whisperer's site with even an iota of regularity knows the real truth.)

Larry King: East Bumfuck Canada, hello.

Tanis: Hi, Larry. It's an honour to be on your show. Guess what's in my ass right now.

Larry King: (spontaneously combusts)