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Wednesday
Feb272008

I'm Letting it All Hang Out

I am a creature of habit. Heck, I'm a stalker's delight. I like to do the same things, in the same order, every day. If something throws my routine off, I tend to fold my arms over my chest and start rocking back and forth in the nearest dark corner while humming like the twit I am as though my life depends on it.

My friends, like Cowboy and his wife, know this about me and laugh. When they're not rolling their eyes. My husband has been exasperated by me on more than one occasion. My kids, well, they just chalk it up to having the bad luck to have been birthed by a crazy woman.

(Side note: Cowboy's squished eyeball is healing nicely and although I'm thankful I don't have to stare too deeply into the scarred and reddened eyeball of his, he reports he can see. Not well, but then, either can I. So thanks for all the well wishes and prayers. Feel free to toss more in his direction, maybe we can make him prettier while we're at it.)

I can't help myself. I have no excuses other than the fact that I'm bat shit crazy. Really. The psychiatrist said so.

One of my slightly nutty habits is how I get dressed and ready for the day. I have my shower, wherein I proceed to wash myself in the exact same order, towel off, lotion up, etc. By the time I've brushed my teeth I'm sweating. Good grooming is hard work. So I do what I always do. I put on my underwear (yes, I do occasionally wear them...you know, when I know the paparazzi is hanging around) and then go back to the bathroom to slap on my war paint and do my hair.

With my boobs hanging out. I know, I'm a freak. But with the added weight I've gained this past year, I actually have guns. Nice guns. And it charms me to no end to ogle them while I'm peering at myself in the mirror trying to tame the wildebeest I generally look like. Weird, I know.

It's not until I'm coiffed and looking like the supermodel I am in my mind slightly presentable that I bother getting dressed. My kids know to stay the hell away from my bathroom as I groom unless they want an eyeful of mom's titties to scar them for life.

It's generally pretty safe to do this. The hubs works out of town most days so he's not going to sneak up behind me and try and cup the girls when he's looking for a little action and I live out in the sticks. Literally. I'm surrounded by trees. And while I do have a handful of neighbours, they are so far away from my house and we are so sheltered by trees I feel safe enough to wander about in the nude. I'll even swim in the pool buck naked or garden topless. (Aren't I painting you a pretty picture?)

 
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See? Sticks. Lots and lots of sticks. 

 
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My closest neighbour. Boy did I give him an eyeful. 

You might say, I'm comfortable in my own body and truth be told, I want my kids to be comfortable in theirs. After all, it is the only body we get and we may as well be at peace with it, even if your boobs resemble beaver tails and flap down around your belly button.

In our long Canadian winter months, the only time I can really let loose and be free nude is after I shower. It's not like I'm going to go streaking through the snow banks while buck nekkid hollering out my pledge of allegiance to the queen.

Well, okay, I may have done that once or twice on a dare, but in my defense, there was alcohol involved and the kids were in bed.

For the most part, my naked fetish has never been a problem. Other than the time I was breast feeding and an old family friend of Boo's walked in while I was sitting on the couch with my girls hanging out spraying milk all over the place.

Then there was the time I was heavily pregnant in the summer and it was freaking hot out. I was sitting in the shade with my top off and I fell asleep in the chair. I didn't hear my brother in-law drive up our long driveway and only awoke when he slammed his truck door shut. You might say he got more than he bargained on. To this day, I'm still his favorite sister in-law.

I have learned from these delightful moments to keep a shirt nearby to toss on, if the need arises. I am a quick learner after all.

But I may have to rethink this whole privacy out in the bushes thing, now that the kids are older. This weekend, as the kids were outside trying to shove each other's faces in the mounds of snow piled near the house, I was in my bathroom happily minding my own business, hanging out (literally), getting ready for a family get together. I had my stereo blasting and I was singing along to the tunes, sounding like a cat in heat.

Unbeknownst to me, one of the neighbour's kids decided to come over and see what Fric and Frac were up to. By this time, Fric and Frac had migrated further into the bush in their attempts to kill one another and their socially challenged friend didn't see them when he trudged up our driveway. Being the social delinquent he is, he heard the music and thought there was a party going on. So he just walked in. No knocking, no yelling "Hello? Anyone home?" He just entered my private little oasis as though he owned the joint.

There I was, in my bathroom, blow-drying my hair as my eighties rock music blared on the stereo, completely oblivious to this strange child wandering through my home, looking for Fric and Frac. Once my hair was dried, I decided I could use a drink so I wandered into the kitchen. Wearing only my pretty pink panties.

 
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At least I shaved my legs... 

Do you see where this is going?

Meanwhile, the intruding child wandered out of Fric and Frac's room, scratching his head wondering where in the hell everyone was. Just as he entered the kitchen from one direction, I entered it from the other.

Time stopped. Everything happened in slow motion. At the exact same time he saw my boob rings glinting in the morning sun, I saw him. We made eye contact. I screamed. He screamed and then I think he jumped so high he narrowly missed having his head lopped off by the ceiling fan.

As my face turned eight shades of red, I turned around and hi-tailed it to my bedroom to seek shelter grab my robe, while wishing the earth would swallow me whole. I muttered something about the kids being outside and he muttered something about this being his lucky day.

From my bedroom I yelled that the kids were outside and for him to go and find them. I briefly considered murdering someone, but after quickly realizing I couldn't walk around naked in the joint, I reconsidered.

The socially inept child had the good graces not to follow me into my bedroom, (although I do think he briefly considered it) and yelled out his apologies as he scrambled to put his boots back on.

I yelled back, while rocking back and forth behind my locked bedroom door not to worry about it but maybe take this as a lesson to learn how to knock. (Although, as an after thought, I wouldn't have heard the knocking over my caterwauling about Cherry Pie.)

I hurriedly got dressed and wandered out onto the deck to yell for Fric and Frac to let them know they had a guest. Turned out, the socially inept kid had already found who he was looking for.

As I turned to go back in the house and bang my head against the wall, I heard him tell Frac, "Your mom is HOT! I'm coming over more often!"

Remind me to start locking my doors.

I'll never be able to make eye contact with anyone in the neighbourhood again, because as I learned when my kids came home from school on Monday, he has told EVERYONE. Even the school bus driver and the mailman.

It's official. I'm a dumbass famous. My poor kids.

 
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Reader Comments (68)

BBwwwwaaahahahahaha!! Too good!! We live in the sticks, too, and on the rare weekend that my mom has the kids, I've been known to wander around the house in hotpants and ... well, maybe a rubber band in my hair. I've learned to keep a robe or two thrown about in strategic places, for the sake of that poor UPS guy.

My mom was the hot mom. Accidentally. She didn't want to be. All my guy friends wanted to date her. It was psychologically crushing for about 10 minutes, the I got over it ... :)

Continued prayers and well-wishes for your friend and his eye.

~Brea

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBrea in Texas

What a wonderfully shameless slut! So freakin' hilarious. My MIL would hate you...meaning I heart you impossibly much!!!

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDre the Texican

Freaky...Brea in Texas and Dre the Texican. My head is spinning.

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDre the Texican

Better watch out. Now all the boys will "accidentally" wander into your house unannounced.

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHeather

Thanks for the laugh today. I needed it. I don't remember how I found your site, but it was my lucky day.

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMomma Mary

It happens to the best of us !!
When my daughter was younger, I innocently went into my private bathroom in my private bedroom to take a shower.
How did I know that when I stripped down to my birthday suit, that they were playing hide n seek and one of her friends decided to hide in my hamper !! Yep, that's what I said,,,,my hamper

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPhilly

Kick ass. This will be me in 10 years. I'm hoping Alex won't be too scarred by all the sleeping next to naked mommy throughout his babyhood.

And - you got called HOT!

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDawn

My Social Butterfly was about 3 when she couldn't understand why our childless neigbhors (and her good friends) didn't answer the door. So she investigated and found them in the shower. Kudos to everyone for keeping a calm head. Our neighbors were quite impressed that naked, wet people didn't traumatize her at all.

Focus on the hot comment!

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJenn @ Juggling Life

If it makes you feel better, in junior high, my best friend walked in on her parents having sex. At lunch time...

and then again a few years later first thing in the morning when we got back from wherever the hell we'd been....

seeing that side of the superintendent of my school was a little akward.

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCourtneyRyan

being that close to naked boobage at his age - the stuff of wet dreams. there will be much sheet laundry in his immediate future.

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBob

heather said it first - your house is about to turn into grand central, as every boy in Frac's grade will drop by to see the girls in all their glory.

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHannah

if you weren't a MILF before, you totally are now and forever.

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBananas

Hey - be glad you're hot! You would want it going around that you were an old wrinkly, saggy boobed, stretch marked, battle scared, cellulite ridden, hairy heifer, would you?

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMaria [Immoral Matriarch]

coming out of lurkdom to say that i'm waiting for this to happen to me. i'm way too much of a boob exposer in a neighborhood that is decidedly not in the sticks and i know it's just a matter of time.

at least you're the hot mama and didn't send the kid rolling on the ground with laughter or worse, screaming "that was gross dude".

did the boy mention the boobie rings or just that he saw you nude? you could totally blame the glint of the water glass for the shiny aureolas, i mean he's a kid and all...

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkristen

Class act mom, you know the kids are probably going to love it for a bit and then it will get old that their mom was caught nekkid by the neighbor.

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPenelope Anne

Dude, I bet you made that kid's life. Seriously, in 10 years, he's going to wonder why he has such a fetish for nipple rings...

Having birthed my big son and shamefully moved back to my parents house, I cured my obsession with being naked.

Until the kids are older, I remain clothed.

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAunt Becky

I have accidently flashed the UPS man. We used to live out in the sticks and my kids were at school so I didn't think twice about walking around after my shower and opening the front door to let the dog back and and low and behold the shower radio drowned out the sound of the doorbell!

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterChristy

omg. do i have to send you one of those 'clothing optional beyond this point' signs?

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered Commentergwendomama

Focus on the hot comment and let the rest of it turn into a fuzzy blurry memory that doesn't quite hold the embarrassment that was felt.

I wonder what that kid told his parents? ;)

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMamaMichelsBabies

Wow, I wish I had that kind of perceived privacy. I live in an apartment in a busy city. No privacy there. Too funny about the kid, now I bet he walks in to all his friends houses hoping to catch a glimpse.

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLottifish

OMG, T! This had me cracking up! How mortifying AND entertaining. And you are so the hot mom.

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKyla

I used to vacuum naked when I lived in a downtown apartment way back when I was hot and single. Not sure why, but I almost always did and was certain that no one could see me. I started dating this really nice guy (still friends) and his drama troupe used to do impromptu plays across the street from my apt. Ummm let's just say they already all "knew" me when he introduced me around at a cast party. EKKK!

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermotherbumper

OMG. I'm dying here! :-)
Love it!
I'm not terribly comfy cozy with my body, but I prefer topless or bottomless with t-shirts. Thank goodness the kiddos are still young.
This is a riot. At least it was "your mom's hot" not "omg, i will never look at another woman again or dude, what's wrong with your mom's body"

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterrachel

It's too bad that I'd get in trouble if I just walked into my kids' friends' houses looking for them!

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBill

You are officially now a MILF.

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMolly

At least he said you were hot! If that kid had seen me, it would've been like that scene from The Crying Game when the dude finds out a "she" is a "he". Not that I have a penis, but I just picture that poor kid running quickly away from me and vomiting his entire stomach content. Yeah, I'm THAT hot.

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMomo Fali

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for keeping your clothes on while we shacked up together in Chicago.

Not that I would have screamed and run away if I had gotten to sneak a peak. *wink wink*

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterChicky Chicky Baby

I hear you. And I think you made that kid's life too.

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer McKenzie

Just think, to that grade school class of boys, you're a legend!

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterEllieranc

I know this must have been embarrassing, but honest to God, I can't stop laughing.

You poor girl! But at least it's nice to know you are still hot! :)

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDana

Hilarious!

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLB

Oh crap! I do that too. (The naked part. Even in the backyard.) But when my kids are old enough, I'll just scare their friends.

I'd watch your windows too because I bet money the neighborhood kids will be trying to get a money shot on their little camera phones now....

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLawyer Mama

Oh...my...GAWD!! LMAO! I think something like this could only happen to you!

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterStacey@Real World Mom

Another good one RM!!

My experience ( I was clothed went like this). I was doing dishes one day and well I was (ahem) a little gassy. So as the wind flew, I hear this

"UM I heard that!"

I turn around to my daughters friend standing there with this cheesy grin on his face.

OMG I almost died!

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterjacquie

I walk around my house naked all the time. My father-in-law has a bad habit of saying "Anyone home?" after he has walked in and half-way through the house... one day, he's going to see too much - I can already predict it.

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMisty Dawn

I walked in on my friends father urinating and I still have the image seared into my retinas.

You are MUCH more attractive than he is.

P.S.

I heart the girls. They are some of my favorite playmates!

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLoralee

So you think he will write a song about you then?

If my kids friends saw me naked I don't think 'hot' would enter the conversation, unless it was something like 'I wanted to boil my eyeballs in HOT oil to get that image out'

February 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKelley

My son walked in on me during an insane heat wave to find me naked in front of a fan in my bedroom. He screamed that he now had that image burned in his brain, and I replied that you enter MY bedroom at your own risk.

February 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterwitchypoo

You are hilarious. At least you're the Hot Mom!

February 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAngela

Dude, at least he thinks you're hot. He could have shouted something else at Frac, you know.

February 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermamatulip

Oh, hahahahahaha! At least you're hot. I'd make them run screaming.

My father used to sleep in the nude an would get up in the middle of the night to grab a drink of milk. He threw on a robe, but didn't necessarily always tie it up, and he'd drink a lot and didn't always know what the hell was going on. One night one of my friends was sleeping over and she got an eyeful of my fat old dad wandering out to the kitchen to get some milk with his robe hanging open and nothing else on. Funny, that was the last time anyone slept over....

February 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterFishyGirl

Ha ha I too enjoy being nude in my home. My children know not to bother me either when I am getting ready. That's too funny! My oldest is ten, and all his friends tell him is mom's hot, he doesn't really enjoy that.

February 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKaty

Hysterical! Hey, at least the kid thinks your hot!!!

February 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterNola

The girls! Pnark!

You're not the only one who wanders round nude, I do too. Although as I live in a semi, in a town, the whole nude sunbathing thing is denied me. Bummer.

Ok so console yourself with this, first, he brought it on himself, second as Nola pointed out, at least he said you were hot... and third, remember what Oscar Wilde said, "the only thing worse than being talked about, is not being talked about."

Cheers

BC

February 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBabychaos

wow -- all I gotta say is wow!

February 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHolly

For whatever reason Mrs. Joe has to pull UP the shades every morning just before getting dressed. But our neighbor's house is only 50 feet away.

February 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAbove Average Joe

I was going to say that we are similar, but after hearing about you laying around your yard topless I decided that we are nothing alike. Then I decided all this confusion I have had for years about you calling yourself, a Canadian for God sake, a redneck has been cleared up.

And oh, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That will teach ya!!!

February 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWendy

I'm with Mama T. It's better that he told everyone that you're hot rather than the alternative. Would it be worse for your kids if the whole school thought you had beaver tail breasts?

February 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMac and Cheese

So now you have a newfound popularity with the "tween" set, eh ?

At least he said "your mom is hot" and not..."AAAh my eyes, I need to scratch them out from the horror that I've seen"

February 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWorker Mommy

LOL. When I was around ten years old, a group of friends and I discovered a bathroom window where we could see our friend's mom as she showered at a certain time every morning. It had stained glass, but there was one shade of glass that was not quite as opaque as the rest. She figured it out one day, and we eventually got over it. :)

February 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterchoosydad

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