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Monday
Feb252008

Good Bloggers Gone Bad

When I first started writing this blog, it was strictly a means of personal therapy, trying to cope with the very recent death of my almost five year old son. Children aren't supposed to die before their parents, especially not in the middle of the night, in the back seat of their mom's car while she's got the pedal to the mat and is racing into the city to the hospital. It's just not very nice. Or very thoughtful.

It wasn't easy to blog. Hell, it wasn't easy to breathe. Yet I forced myself to sit in front of the computer and try and find something that would brighten my day and remember that life isn't just about the dead kid who was missing. It was about living. Living through the very worst moments of life and learning to survive. To never lose hope, to never lose one's self.

Blogging brought me out of my fog enshrouded world and gave me the ability to see my kids again. It reminded me to love. It helped morph me into the person I am today, sitting behind this computer screen, a person still struggling with heartbreak most days but a woman who can remember that life goes on. Even when when someone we cherish is lost.

The community I found on the vast internets swept me into their arms and loved me until I came back to the land of the living. I am forever in debt to all of you out there who have been a part of that.

But that left me with another problem. How much do I open myself up to this vast cyber community? Not everybody is friendly, and there are creeps out there. Perverts which I attract with my talk of boob rings, crotchless panties and blowjobs. And no, I don't care how nicely you ask, I'm still not sending you naked pictures of me. Sheesh.

I struggle with this, while trying to ensure I cross no online boundaries with my family members, because without them, I have nothing. Really. My husband pays for everything. Including the coffee I'm slurping. I'd like to keep it that way.

Yet I feel I owe my online community a small part of myself because truthfully, with out all of you I really don't think I would be here. Grief is a dark place and a mother's grief is the darkest corner of the universe there is. I don't like to think of the road I may have traveled if I hadn't found you. And you. Any maybe you too, but would you please stop picking your nose thinking we don't know what you are doing? Get a damn kleenex, for cripes sake.

I thrive with my online relationships, new and old. It gets me through the long and deafeningly quiet days that were once filled with drool and slamming cupboards and a constant humming from Bug. It gets me through the times Fric and Frac can't stop fighting and I can't remember why I wanted to be a parent at all. And it gets me through the lonely wee hours when I miss my husband so much I take a voodoo doll made in his image and stick pins in it. Right in his kneecaps.

So imagine my delight yesterday morning when I woke up to check my inbox and found several letters from my Toronto lady blogger friends. And then imagine the look of horror on my daughter's face when she peered over my shoulder to see what had made her mother keel over with laughter.


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Wow, those Toronto gals really um, love me.


It seems a group of Toronto bloggers got together to celebrate all that is good about the world of blogging and wanted to include me. My heart just grew three sizes, just like the Grinch. I mean, is there anything better than getting virtually licked by a group of hot women? No, I didn't think so.

I knew the gals and a few guys were having a get together and wanted me to join them. But with 2000 odd kilometers between us, a maxed out credit card and some familial obligations, there was just no way I could join them. It's too bad all of them live in the WRONG. DAMN. PROVINCE.


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I do believe that is MamaTulip flashing me her girls and getting frisky with another. Rawr. My type of lady.


What I sadly underestimated was just how wild a group of rowdy bloggers can get when you put a few bottles of beer in front of them and a blown up head shot snatched off of Facebook. (See Boo? Facebook isn't completely without it's uses...)


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I kinda like it when the always classy Her Bad Mother molests me.


Because you know, a creative group of clever writers are always the most boring people in a bar.


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Such pretty er, eyes you have Kittenpie.


It kinda went downhill from there.


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This lady is so restrained. I worry she may never come out of her shell.


As the night wore on, and I was at home happily minding my own business unaware of the shenanigans going on with out me, across the country things were winding down. My blogging buddies had their fill of their Redneck and turned to more important topics like world peace, vibrators and the upcoming BlogHer conference in San Francisco.

I quickly became nothing more than a coaster for their beverages.


I like to call this one the Money Shot. Heh heh.


Eventually, they all wandered home, some sober, some less so, but all had a good time. Especially me, from the looks of it.


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One liked me so much, he even thought to bring me home with him. What can I say? I'm irresistible.


Ya, this online community is a beautiful thing. The friendships that bloom here can be real and lasting and sweet as a freshly bloomed rose.

You know what's going to be sweeter though?

My revenge.

BWHAHAAHAHAHAAHAH!

Coming soon to a Toronto pub near you. As soon as I dig out my passport, find my husband's hidden credit card and think of a plausible story to tell my husband as to why I need to fly across the country.

It's gotta be a good one too, because he's not nearly as dumb as he looks.

Wink, wink.

***Kidding Boo. I love you. Now really, where's that credit card???***


« I'm Letting it All Hang Out | Main | Apparently, I Need a Hobby »

Reader Comments (74)

Ha! We had a FANTASTIC time with you! It will be tough to live up to when you arrive, you know, because those photos of you are ready for ANYTHING.

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkittenpie

You should be very afraid to meet up with these people. Look at what they did to your poor photo, can you imagine what they are going to do to you? Then again.. GO! Run!! It looks like a blast and I think that I would have a hard time refraining from allowing my real self to be molested like that photo (if I were you).

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAnnie

Yes. Be afraid, be very afraid, Tanis, because when I finally do meet you...

dot dot dot

shit's gonna go DOWN.

(good shit. GOOD shit!)

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermamatulip

But where's the one of me with you stuck on my rack!

That was just way to much fun, we were in a perfect state of mind to do awfully nasty things to you.

xo can't wait till you get yourself here.

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered Commentercrazymumma

See how kind and caring we are? We wanted to ensure you were getting some action on those long lonely nights without Boo.

And you know, beggars can't be choosers! :)

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterb*babbler

I couldn't make it Saturday night (stupid friends... "best man" my ass), but it looks like fun.

You definitely have to make it to Toronto one of these times. Even I'd show up for that, even if for no other reason than to sit anonymously at the bar and watch you assault everyone.

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSciDi Dad

That looks like the most fun.... and while I live in the wrong province, I live a zillion miles away from the action. Good thinking, me!

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterbeck

Metro really needs to learn to cut loose. The poor, repressed girl...

Miss you all so much it hurts. You must get yourself to TO for more stories to feed my addiction to you all.

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterChicky Chicky Baby

Dude. If I had only read this before writing my "I LOVE CANADA" post last night!

Every blogger needs to have and image themselves stuffed down the pants of a blogging dude to keep his johnson company.

You are my hero.

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLoralee

Two words for you: Fru. Li.
Oh baby.

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkgirl

Whoa, okay--I don't remember a thing. Nope.

(That's the story I'm sticking to.)

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDenguy

I live on the east coast of Canada and have still to meet a fellow blogger.
However, I'm fixing for a visit from an uppitywoman on my email list.
The fun! I can only imagine the fun.

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterwitchypoo

Pretty damn amazing when you start me out reading with tears in my eyes and leave me rolling with laughter.
That is too damn funny!!!
And so much of what you said is true. Brilliantly written. See, you totally deserved that Royal Banana award and you just prove it more and more every day!

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterrachel

It's a darn shame you had to miss all that action in person. Looking forward to hearing about the revenge.

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSister Honey Bunch

So much debauchery to be had! I can think of a few things I'd like to do to your pic as well, Hottie McHotster.

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKelly

Oh, I cannot wait to get my hands on you again!

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermetro mama

So much for what happens in Canada stays in Canada!

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAZ

You could totally evoke that sort of behavior from me too.

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMaria [Immoral Matriarch]

Ooh, I love drinking-related exploits!

These were absolutely inspired -- hilarious!

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterArkie Mama

I don't even know these people, and they have me laughing so hard I just scared the cat...

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterThumper

You need to move to the States. Specifically, Chicago. Or a SUBURB of Chicago, where your Favorite Aunt Becky lives.

Oh yes, yes you do.

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAunt Becky

The only reason I got to know you (and that very recently) is because I voted for you for a Bloggie.

After reading this post, I am very happy to have gotten to know you.

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKeera

We. Love. You. And if you think we were naughty to your photo .... just wait until you land down at Pearson baby! We were in hysterics plotting the photos we'd take with your hawt mug shot. Thanks for being you, sugar. So glad you are in the blogosphere ... and soon to be in our town! xo

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSandra

You people make me want to move to Canada.

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSarah, Goon Squad Sarah

I was already planning on moving to Canada to be closer to my Mama Tulip, but shittt...it's a done deal now.

;)

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHeather

Dude, I always thought Canadians were the tame ones, eh?

OK, I am sorry. I promise to stop asking for naked photos. I never knew it bothered you so!

:)

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAlli ~Mrs. Fussypants

I love this post. I started blogging to get through my divorce, and being single at 39, and I don't think I'd have made it without my blog friends. I was lucky enough that one of my favorite bloggers (and currently good girl friends) lives in my town.

I would never have imagined how dirty your readers would be, though. Although, perhaps I should have known, given myself.

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered Commentertrouble

i can't believe i missed a chance to make out with you..erm...well, a picture of you (but i would have taken it!!)

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterali

I knew I moved away from Toronto for a reason....

Oh, the debauchery! I feel dirty now.

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterjanet

DUDE... I only wish I had friends like that.

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBananas

LMAO! I definitely think this should be a series! You crazy bloggers have stumbled onto something BIG here! LOL!

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterStacey@Real World Mom

I must be over tired, because I'm looking at The Money Shot and thinking, "What kind of foreign money is that?" Then I realized I'd never seen Canadian bills before. I've gotta get out more. :)

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDana

It sounds like your husband should be afraid . . . very, very afraid!

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJenn @ Juggling Llife

He he he.

It was my first time... Meeting all of these ladies and I couldn't figure out why they had pictures of your head, but it was not too long before they assured me that I would understand soon... I caved.

It was nice to, err, umm, hold your head. :)

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterUrbanDaddy

Is it just me or does everyone else thing HBM is former KISS ARMY with a tongue like that?

Nice gettin' in Denguy's pants!

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterOh, The Joys

Noice. Get a couple of drinks in a blogger and all hell can break loose. Nice to see the boys were restrained cause it could have been so SO much worse.

I started blogging as therapy too, and it morphed into more than that. I would hate for a psychologist to actually see my blog cause I think I would be committed in a heartbeat.

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKelley

My kinda peeps.

Wonderful friends to include you in their party ... even if via photog!

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterNancy

Seriously? I don't care if I'm pulling an Exorcist all over the bathroom stall...if you're in town, I'm there.

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterNotSoSage

I didn't even see you leaving with Denguy. You two are sneaky.
I was just holding your photo and Sandra groped me, she really does love you. She's pretty hot, so thanks for that.

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterlisa b

well, RM, you ARE very lovable, y'know.

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterslouching mom

Oh my goodness. I stumbled over here from http://thenewgirl.typepad.com/the_new_girl/ and know I'll be staying. You totally got me with the picking nose thing.

(kidding)

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKriddle McGriddle

That is, if you don't mind.

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKriddle McGriddle

you. of course they did this. of course.

you canadians. i fracking love you guys.

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterjen

I deeply apologize to your daughter but your photo loved every second of it. I think you may have entertained some of the other clientele as well.

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJana

Wow - you just can't buy fanaticism like that!

February 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKaren (miscmum)

Oh, phew, I was worried that after I left you'd be found in a gutter somewhere, or maybe passed out on the Queen streetcar.

I'll be hauling out that credit card when you come visit, too! Can't wait!

February 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAssertagirl

Thank you for letting me live that evening vicariously through your blog. And holy molestations batman, we is apparently a very horny bunch around here! You'll fit in just fine.

xo

February 26, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermotherbumper

when people put pictures of you in their crotch, you've arrived

February 26, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterfuriousball

Now that's the kind of love I like.

February 26, 2008 | Unregistered Commentergorillabuns

LOL...I agree w/ furiousball!!!!

February 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHarmony

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