My dog is an asshole.
Specifically, my dog Nixon is an asshole. (I'd hate to lump all of my dogs into the asshole category, although, they do all have their asshole tendencies. But today I'm just focusing on the dog that is currently the most assholish.)
Wait. Am I allowed to call my dog an asshole?
Or is it like calling your kids an asshole, which is generally frowned upon, even when they are being assholes? Because lately, my teenagers have been rather asshole-ish. I've chalked it up to hormones, puberty and the fact I have clearly not spent enough time establishing dominance over the wildebeests I call my children.
But just because my teens have taken to acting out with some assholish-like tendencies, I want to be clear I'm not actually calling them assholes. Because that would be bad.
My dog however, is still an asshole.
Also, assholey? People who park in handicapped spots who do not have a handicapped parking permit instead of doing what other people do: Park in the Expectant Mothers/Parents With Small Children stalls. Because everyone knows those stalls are for people with asshole-ish tendencies to abuse.
Wait. That was probably a bit assholey of me to say. For the record, I've never parked in one of those stalls. Mostly because they didn't exist when I was pregnant or raising small children and also because I imagine I'd feel like an asshole if I did use that stall. What with the whole not being pregnant or having small children and all.
But I'm getting off topic. This is supposed to be about my asshole dog and not assholes in general. Because let's face it, if I don't narrow this down I could be ranting all day about asshole behaviour because the world is filled with asses. And ranting about the assholes of the world really only makes you turn into an asshole yourself.
And I think it's safe to say that nobody likes assholes.
Not even asshole dogs who spend the entire night changing positions by flopping heavily on the bed just as you manage to fall asleep from the last time they bounced you awake and then demand to go outside to bark at the invisible rabid squirrels who are apparently planning a hostile take over of the world if you judge by your dog/s insanely alarmed barking right under your bedroom window.
To make matters worse, your dog knows that you can only sleep if he's tucked up against your side because his breathing is the only thing that can lull you into a non-conscious state in your husband's absence and when you don't roll over to pet your dog's belly until your dog falls asleep he will in turn refuse to lay down beside you. He will instead jump off the bed and pace around your bedroom, with the sound of the clickety-clack of his toenails acting like the doggy equivalent of Chinese water torture and you will slowly lose what is left of your sanity as you beg the universe softly to allow you to just go the fuck to sleep.
Because that's all you want to do, having been deprived of it all week long by the sickness of your youngest child who was actually incapable of going to sleep and who didn't actually intend to keep you awake for two straight nights as he softly sang "Mum, mum, mumm, mummma" over and over again into the baby monitor, keeping you awake as you listened to it. It's not like you could turn it off either because everyone knows bad things happen when you turn the baby monitor off.
And when he wasn't chanting his adorable little chant he was kicking his wall, 'thump, thump, thump' over and over again, like a disabled child's equivalent of Chinese water torture for his mother all the while playing with a stupid musical toy that would chime out the irritatingly annoying melody of "Mary Had A Little Lamb" over and over again until you've heard that melody so many times you are sure it is echoing in a permanent loop inside your head.
But your asshole dog knows all of this and doesn't care.
Which leads to the third straight night of you getting absolutely no sleep and as you sit here, wide awake and exhausted, ranting about the assholes of the world, your asshole dog is laying in a patch of sunlight, on your bed, snoring loudly because he didn't sleep at all last night as he was too busy keeping you awake.
Thoughts of smothering the assholes of the world will run through your head as the tune "Mary Had a Little Lamb" haunts you.
That's when you will realize that your asshole dog hasn't just turned you into a sleep deprived lunatic. He's turned you into a sleep-deprived asshole.
God. My dog is a dick.