I May Be Huffing Glue Soon

It's that time of year again when my bank account starts to weep for mercy.

It's time for back to school shopping. The only thing worse than back to school shopping is Christmas shopping. Except at Christmas I can self-medicate on foil-covered chocolates, an abundance of baked goods and the promise of finding something interesting in my own stocking as I shop to stuff everyone else's.

This time of year? Unless I resort to huffing the fumes of rubber cement while eating paste, there is nothing that will erase the pain of having to fork out for school supplies, clothes and shoes for three kids. All the while reliving my own back to school nightmares of yore.

My kids, however, love, love, love going back to school shopping. Clearly these are not my children. While I admit to getting a little jazzed up over getting a new box of pencil crayons and maybe loving the Trapper Keeper my mother once bought me, I didn't get overly excited about going back to school shopping. Getting new school supplies was just a reminder of having to go back to school to try and avoid getting stuffed back into my locker by a kid named Joe who was half my size but twice as annoying strong.

My children have been known to roll around in stacks of new loose leaf paper while rubbing their scientific calculators against their cheeks and purring. All the while wearing every piece of new clothing I've been forced to buy for them.

Is it just my children who seem to grow five inches each summer rendering the perfectly good clothing they wore only two months ago completely useless? I've talked to other parents who insist they only buy their kids a new pair of gym shoes when school starts. When do their kids grow? Because I swear my kids suck up the sunshine and shoot up like weeds, every damn year.

And don't get me started on buying kids shoes. I used to think it was bad standing in the shoe store with my kid trying to find a pair of shoes that weren't plastered with images of Barney, Dora or Spiderman.

I'd happily go back into time and buy every Barbie, Cars and Batman shoe I could find if it meant never having to pork out money for expensive athletic shoes that won't fit my child's foot for more than three months.

Back in my day, I'd be lucky if my parents would give me a new piece of cardboard and some duct tape to make my own shoes for school.

(Just kidding Mom.)

Then there is my problem with the school dress code. Or lack there of. Walking inside the school and you are immediately subjected to more crack than an addict could want. Boobs. Butts. Skin. It's as though each girl is trying to out skank the next one and each boy is trying to see how low his jeans can hang while walking around looking like the unibomber with his sweatshirt hood pulled up over his head.

Where are these kids' parents? *Read that in the screechiest Sanctimommy voice you can muster. Because that's how I feel about it.*

And the worst part is, my kids want to dress just. like. them.

Over my dead body, I tell ya. Which, surely enough, they've plotted more times than once as I've sent them back into the stores to choose something a little more mother friendly as I stand by the change rooms to wait to see their choices.

If you take my general frustration about shopping for my kids clothes in general and add two teens who are fashion conscience clothes horses and one little boy who refuses to want to wear clothes in general and suddenly I'm wishing that school uniforms were mandatory and school supplies consisted of slate and chalk.

Which is what I'm venting about on my latest Momversation video. Ranting about kids walking around in tank tops with their boobs hanging out. As I'm wearing a tank top with my boobs hanging out.

Oh, hypocrisy, thy name is Mom.

So go ahead, watch it and let me know if you hate school shopping as much as I do. Which team are you on? I will be honest. I'm siding with team School Uniforms all the way.