This weekend turned out to be so, like, completely and utterly awesome!!!
It didn't start off that way. I woke up Saturday morning to my Mom totally yelling at Dad to get his butt in gear and finish the 'damn' wheelchair ramp for Jumby. I don't really know why she is bugging dad so hard to get it finished. It's not like she's going to be the one pushing Jumby up and down the ramp. We all know that she'll just bark out orders for one of us to do it. Right now she makes us carry the wheelchair up and down the stairs of the deck and put the wheelchair in the back of the truck. She claims it's too heavy for her to do it without hurting her back yet when I turn around there she is holding Jumby and like dancing with him on the lawn. *rolls eyes* She is such a faker. Jumby is like, the exact same weight as his wheelchair.
Anyways, her nagging totally workedÂ (I'm sooo filing that knowledge away for the day I managed to rope in my own husband) and Dad finally got off his duff and started putting the top boards on the deck. He must have felt lonely though, because after like two boards he called his best friend Uncle Mack to come over and help.
Mom said the only help Mack gave was to empty a new bottle of Crown Royal whiskey but I think she was jealous that Dad had a friend over and not her. She complained they only put on like, six boards, but when they went in the house to get another drink I counted and Dad and Mack totally put on 14 boards.
After Uncle Mack and Dad almost cut their hands off with the mitre saw, Mom made them stop working on the ramp. Which seemed a little contrary to me. After all, she just spent the entire day whining the ramp wasn't getting built and as soon as they start to like, actually work on it, she made them stop. Like, make up your mind MOM.
That night, my aunty Mouse came over and the four of them played cards and karaoked until way late. I don't know how they expected us to get any sleep with all that bellowing going on. My mom, she is no Britney Spears I tell ya.
When we woke up the next morning Uncle Mack was snoring on the couch and I could tell Mom had a headache. Dad kept asking me if I was using my inside voice. Grown ups. They get so cranky when they get old. I'm never going to be like that.
Then Dad had a great idea about taking us all fishing. Uncle Mack thought that was a fabulous idea but Mom kept reminding them about the unfinished wheelchair ramp. Dad said something about living in a democracy and she was outvoted and then told us to pack up our fishing gear. My dad is the greatest dad in the entire world.
Mom was kinda grumpy after that. She decided not to come. She said it wouldn't be safe to have Jumby on a boat. Dad said he'd keep care of him so Mom can fish because he knows how much Mom loves to be out on the water but she just rolled her eyes. She can be such a killjoy sometimes.
I offered to help hold Jumby on the boat too but she just kept saying no. I heard her mumble something about how Jumby would just end up rolling around in the bottom of the boat, being bounced around like a ping pong ball but like, seriously. Does she not know how much Jumby would love that??? He totally loves it when we bounce him on the trampoline when Mom isn't looking.
Anyways, she decided to stay home with Jumby and so we all got our stuff together and hopped into Uncle Mack's truck. Man, I can't figure out how he is so skinny with all those empty Big Mac containers stuffed in the back seat. We filled up an entire garbage bag full of fast food containers just so Frac and I could fit back there.
I guess Mom is right. He totally needs a woman. Maybe that's why Aunty Mouse came over. I think Mom and Dad were trying to fix the two of them up. Wouldn't that be cool if they, like got married? Then Uncle Mack would be my real uncle and Mom would quit saying how aunty needed a good man.
We waved goodbye to Mom and Jumby and drove down the drive way. I kinda felt bad that they were going to miss out on all the fun but I guess being part of a grown up is making responsible choices. I still think Jumby would have loved being bounced around on the boat.
Just as we were turning on to the road I turned around to wave good bye to them and I saw Mom trip and fall over a piece of wood while she was holding Jumby. She has a bad ankle. I hope she didn't hurt herself. I told Dad that Mom fell and maybe we should turn around and check on her but he said she was a big girl and if she needed him she'd call him. I swear, he turned off his cell phone right then. He says he didn't but I saw him do it.
Anyways, we got to the lake and it was sooo pretty. Frac was being kinda obnoxious but that's cuz he's just a little boy. He's only turning twelve this year. I'm going to be thirteen in like a week. I'm wayyy more mature then him.
Uncle Mack and Dad caught lots of fish. Mostly jack fish but some perch too. But I caught just as many as they did. Mom would be so proud. Frac didn't catch as many fish as we did but Dad said that's because in order to catch fish you have to have your hook in the water. Frac kept catching his hook on everyone's shirt! Or on the ropes. Or tangling his line with Uncle Mack's.
Dad kept saying "It's a good thing you're pretty, boy," whenever he had to untangle Frac's line. Uncle Mack would just shake his head and say Frac was a sweet boy. I don't know what they were smoking. Frac isn't pretty. He's a goober. And sweet? Puh-leez.
We caught a lot of fish that afternoon. Most of them we had to release back into the lake because they were too small to keep. We were having a lot of fun. Finally it got dark and Dad decided instead of heading home we should spend the night at Uncle Mack's cabin. That was totally cool.
I wondered how Mom was doing with Jumby. I mean, she fell down and everything. I hope she didn't hurt herself. Dad said he'd call her but when he tried to talk to her the phone kept cutting off.
Poor Mom. All alone with Jumby, while we got to stay up late and watch movies while Uncle Mack and Dad drank beer.
The next morning we went out on the boat again and the fish were really biting. I kept catching the biggest fish!! Dad and Uncle had to help me reel in a nine pounder! It made all of the other fish we caught look piddly.
Uncle Mack said that me catching the biggest fish of all of us was just the 'cherry on his summer'. I think he was being sarcastic but it was hard to tell when he was looking at his one pound fish next to my giant one. I totally thought he was crying but he insisted there was something in his eye.
We spent the entire day at the lake and it was fabulous. I didn't think about boys or school or my annoying brother Frac once (except when I almost lost my eye because he flung his cast out and his hook caught the brim of my cap,) because I was too busy catching all the big fish. I don't care what the men said. It wasn't luck. It was my skill as a fisherwoman.
When it started to get dark we headed for home. Our bedtime is usually nine at night (which, dear diary, is like, totally unfair because all of my friends get to stay up way later than that. Mom keeps saying she doesn't care about my friends bedtime and that I need my sleep. I don't think she has figured out that I may be in my bedroom at nine at night but I totally stay up until like, midnight every night reading a book under my covers with a pillow shoved under the door to block out the light,) but we didn't even get home until after ten. On a school night! It was awesome.
But you know how I mentioned I saw my mom trip and fall? Apparently when she fell down this time she broke her ankle. She looked so tired and grouchy with her ankle resting on a stack of pillows. I wonder how she managed to take care of Jumby all by herself.
When Dad asked her why she didn't tell him she broke her ankle she got all huffy and sputtered that she tried to call to tell him but his phone was turned off and Uncle Mack never answered any of her calls.
Dad tried to tell her that he never shut his phone off but when I reminded them that I saw Mom trip and fall and maybe we should call and check on Mom he turned off his phone.
Wow. That may not have been my brightest move. Mom totally morphed into a giant man eating monster and poor Dad got into trouble. When Mom was yelling at Dad she kinda reminded me of my giant nine pound jack fish, all angry and thrashing.
It looked like she totally wanted to chew off Dad's head. Dad looked like Frac does whenever he does something wrong but he totally made it up to her when he handed her the stinky bag of fish. Mom loves fresh fish.
Funny, she didn't seem too grateful.
I mean, sheesh, just because she fell and broke her ankle and had to take care of our handicapped brother with no help while we had fun out on the lake and Dad stretched an afternoon of fishing into an entire weekend away doesn't mean Dad didn't feel bad.
I mean, like, she totally could have come with us. I still think Jumby would have been fine on the bottom of the boat. There wasn't even that much water down there. Only a couple of inches. I'd have made sure his nose was out of it. Sheesh.
When I grow up, I am like totally never going to get mad at my husband for going fishing with his buddies.
Well, that was my weekend. All's well that ends well.
At least for me. Mom's all broken and hobbling every where while mumbling about inconsiderate assholes (really, my mom has such a potty mouth) and Dad looks kinda scared.
I can't wait to do this again!!!
EDIT: My ankle? It's fine. Just a little crack. Sorta like the one my husband may or may not suffer in his cranium after I finish beating him with a baseball bat.
P.S. Just kidding about beating my husband.