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Friday
Sep112009

A Very Special Story 

Once upon a time there was this beautiful woman who suffered from adult onset puberty and continually broke out with more pimples than a fifteen year old who washes their face with bacon grease daily.

This woman, with her many mountainous-like friends on her face, had a child who was 'special'.

'Special' in this story means the child was born differently than some of the other children this woman had squeezed out of her well-abused uterus. 'Special' does not imply lesser. Clark Kent was born special and that dude had no problem stripping down to his skivvies in a public phone booth where the homeless man routinely used for lavatory purposes, plus he flew around in blue tights and red gonch saving the world from less special people than himself.

'Special' is a good thing.

This 'special' child of this beautiful albeit pimply woman with a lone chin whisker (and a handful of nipple hair if we want to be honest) was scheduled to start school where upon this child would receive specialized training on how to improve his um, speciality.

It was a big day for both mother and child and much ado was made when the child was wheeled into the school in a super duper fancy four-wheeled amulatory unit (other wise known as the child's kick ass wheelchair or more simply, his hotrod.)

The child learned fantastic tricks, like how to stop speeding bullets by catching them with only their teeth, how to convince hot chicks across the world to lift up their shirts and show off their assets using only a grin, and most importantly, how to mind-meld with less special humans.

Sure it may have looked to the untrained observer this special child was only learning how to make simple choices, how to work on sitting unassisted and how to hold on to a gooey gross mess of playdough to stimulate hand strength and overcome sensory disorders, but that's what makes this special school more special.

The mother was very proud of her beautiful smooth skinned special child and was eager to watch the child's improvement with each day spent honing said special skills at said special school.

(Side note: This post brought to you today by the word SPECIAL.)

But the mother was in for a great shock when she learned her child would not be attending school as often as she had hoped. Stricken with panic at the thought of actually having to parent said child more often than thought, she demanded to know why her child wasn't being allowed to go to school on a more frequent basis to cultivate the child's special skills and thereby allowing her to take long naps in the day and surf the Interwebs for free porn during waking hours.

When it was revealed to the mother there was a lack of funding available to pay for the special child's special helper, the mother demanded an accounting of funds, shook her fist at the sky and darkly pledged to correct the terrible injustice bestowed upon her child and herself.

Then she pushed the child and his hotrod out to her waiting chariot, drove to the gas station, bought a slurpee and bitched and moaned to anyone who would listen how the world is trying to squash the unstoppable force of specialness that emanates from this very special family.

As soon as the woman got home she called every bureaucrat she could think of to get the matter resolved in a timely matter so her child could attend school more often and become all that the child was destined to be.

She may have swore colourfully after reaching one voice mail machine after another, but she powered on and left her name and number scattered clear across the county.

Days later, the clouds parted and the sun shine drizzled on her forehead like the hand of an angel reached down to touch her, the phone rang.

It was the special child's very own super hero. Also known as the woman who procures funding for the child's education.

The mother very politely explained the problem to the super hero (because the mother is well aware that while the squeaky wheel gets the grease, more flies are caught with honey than with vinegar) and held her breath as she waited for the super hero to solve world hunger and erradicate war. Or, you know,  just give her special child more damn money.

The superhero, also known as an employee finance for Glue Sniffers United School division, listened kindly as the beautiful mother droned on and on and demanded immediate and satisfying resolution to this dilemma.

Then the financial officer for all special little Glue Sniffers explained there was a problem with the special child's funding.

"What type of problem?" the bewildered yet entirely beautiful and zit riddled mother queried politely.

"You see, Tanis," the super hero said (Tanis being the name of said beautiful pimply mother), "the bureaucrat in charge of doling out the dollah dollahs for our special little glue sniffers so that I can distribute the money in a fair and unbiased way has determined that your special child isn't, well, special enough."

Then the superhero paused, cleared her throat and waited for the beautiful mother to lose her ever loving mind. She is thoughtful like that.

The mother however, just sat on her end of the phone with her jaw hanging open. It was a look her husband likes to see on her face but whines he doesn't see often enough.

"What do you MEAN my special child isn't special enough?" she finally managed to choke out.

"Well, according to the very rich province we live in, your child didn't qualify for 'specialness'. They didn't want to give your child any money but don't worry, I totally went to the bat for your special child and procured some funding," she hastily added. "Just not enough to get the special child the extra day of speciality training we all know the special child needs to develop the special talents necessary."

"Well, that's just ridiculous! How much more special can my child be?" the beautiful mother screeched.

"I know!!" the superhero giggled. "I offered to pick up this bureaucrat and deliver him to the special school so he could see just how special your child was. I don't think he liked that."

"But! But! My child is special! He has all the special requirements necessary to procure full funding according to our very rich and well run government's laws! That's just ridiculous!" the mother huffed.

"I KNOW," the superhero agreed.

"I mean, my child is blind can catch bullets using only teeth! My child is crippled has a pimping hot rod! My child is half deaf can mind meld! My child's so adorable other people weep with jealousy! How much more special does this kid need to be in this bureaucrat's eyes???"

Then the mother started giggling like a crazed maniac at the thought of her special child needing to be more special when anyone with eyes could see just how damned special the child really is.

"It's silly really. I asked the asshat bureaucrat if he even read your child's reports on how special he was but that didn't go over too well. No worries though, the problem was corrected, albeit somewhat limitedly but this won't ever be a problem again. I've made sure of it. I put my super hero cape on and threatened to choke the life out of the twit if he ever decided your child wasn't special enough again."

The beautiful and zit-tastic mother started giggling at that mental image and thanked the superhero for all her hard work on behalf of her special child. Then the mother and the superhero worked to cobble together a fantastic schedule allowing the special child to hone the special powers the child so obviously harboured.

Then the mother got off the phone and looked at her special child who, at that very moment rolling around on the floor with a bucket on it's very special head, and shook her head at the complete twattiness of some unknown bureaucrat sitting at some unknown desk who was responsible for making important decisions for all the unknown special little glue sniffers in the county and decided something must be done to prevent any future travesties from ever happening again.

So she went to her closet and pulled out a very special box and a few hours later she sat down to hold her special child on the couch while clutching a small inanimate object.

"Dear special child," she murmured into her child's hair. "Mommy has something to show you." Then she held out the inanimate object for the special child to touch and drool upon.

"This is what we call a voodoo doll. You and I are going to stick some pins into a very special person's arse," she explained as she reached for a pin cushion.

"It won't hurt anybody. But it will certainly make both of us feel better," said the mother as she gleefully jabbed a long pin into the left buttocks of a doll made in the image of an anonymous asshat bureaucrat.  "And on the plus side, we can totally use this for your next show and share at your very special school!"

Because the beautiful sufferer of adult onset puberty is all about sharing.

The teachers at Glue Sniffers United will be so very proud.

Everyone lived happily ever after except for perhaps the poor twitty bureaucrat who did not realize the fire that would rain down upon his head when he crossed the beautiful and zitty mother.

Tough nuts suckah. Don't mess with my kid cuz I promise you, I not only walk the walk but I swing a big stick too.

And I never miss.

lifenosense

I'll choose option D every time. It involves spanking.


Edited to add: I have spent most of my day yesterday and today making sure the wrath of this special mother has been felt by various government agencies and of course, the school board. Note to any future bureaucrats who don't read paperwork or make allowances for children transferred into new regions during the middle of a school year: I will wield my super powers to make your life miserable. I consider it my duty as a mother.


And my bark is never as bad as my bite. Be warned.

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Reader Comments (72)

Ha-larious. And glad there are other people out there with lone whiskers.

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLona

I heart you.

The people at the school suck.

Twatwaffles, indeed. (That's my new favorite, thanks.)

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterzakary

There are some things...that just plain don't make sense. This being one of them.

*sigh*

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterWM

Oops, I totally meant the situation...not the post. *snort*

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterWM

Let's kick the bureacrat's ass. I'll come up and help (not that you couldn't handle it on your own.) Give your very special child a kiss from me and let me know what I can do, including but not limited to writing letters, making phone calls, hiring an assassin, etc. Cheers!

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSusan (woo222)

This is what happens when people vote conservative.

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnnie @ PhD in Parenting

You're in Canada & I'm in Texas. Yet we seem to have the same glue sniffing, chalk huffing, white out licking asshats in charge. GAHHH! Thank you for another wonderful post!

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCypressRun

Special little glue sniffers...*gasp*...dying...too funny! You rawk.

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMFA Mama

Dude! Everyone knows you have to use Canola Oil to get the really expressive zits. Two slatherings a day and you will be soft to the touch and able to shoot spackle at the mirror from 50 feet away. How is that for SPECIAL!
And ass for that ASSHAT! If he doesn't understand how absolutely SPECIAL your special baby is then you should just march right up to him and explain it, and then he will understand that not only is he VERY SPECIAL but if the said ASSHAT gives him more money then he may remain safe from stray zit spackle.
The End

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCarrieJ

I'm a huge fan of option D, especially when it comes to my special kid.

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered Commentercalifmom

Yay, you win!

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHeide Mueller-Hatton

Wow. I totally feel you. My daughter, Wondergirl, can also catch bullets with her teeth, can mind meld, can do anything with only the right side of her body (stroke at birth) and does a perfect impression of a robot sometimes (Asberger's). For 16 years I have been asking people the question, 'How much more special does she need to be?' I was actually told by her high school teacher, 'I have many kids with glasses in my room, what do you wnat me to do with them?' Stupid question especially when Mommy was PMSing. The words 'don't give a fuck' and 'blind' and 'stupid bitch' may have been said but I blanked out and have no recollection. Or at least that's what I told the police.

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLee

Funny how bureaucratic asshats don't know the definition of discrimination.

Dear Asshat School Board,
You messed with the wrong nipple-haired superhero. Good luck finding your arses when they are kicked halfway across the galaxy.
Sincerely,
Broomstick-Flying Moms of America

Redneck women rule, especially when it comes to our families - no one stands a chance against us!

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBell Witch

Good grief Tanis! That is one special kid... I mean... mind melding alone! What more do they want? "Sorry ma'am he has all of his limbs."

Lucy was in Special Pre-K with a complete nimrod of a teacher. I came in for the Christmas party and was talking with Lucy. Her teacher came up and said, "Wait! Lucy can talk?"

Welcome to the magical world of VERY Special Special-Education.

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRachel Coleman

I think I may now have the word SPECIAL flash across my retina every time I look at something.

But at least I'll be laughing.

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTeacherMommy

Can I just say how "special" I think you are for all you do for your special child? And by special, I mean pretty fucking awesome.

Keep on kicking ass, mama!

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkelly

As a MOM, even this Conservative Colorado Yankee can appreciate what we'll do for our special kids! No asshat Bureaucrat or Govt Agency is going to come between my ankle-biting glue sniffers and whatever it is they need! Hats off to you and your VooDoo doll Tanis! Keep fighting the good fight sister!

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterVicki5280

Go, Tanis! *fist pump* I was totally cheering for you and superhero by the end. Thank god for moms and superheros. <3

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterChibi Jeebs

Tanis, I don't even know you and I am SOO PROUD of you for standing your ground and putting forth every effort for your child. You deserve a super hero cape of your own. You are truly an inspiration!

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmy Bloob

You go momma! Kick ass! Take names! And give them to me so I can help. I want to (be) kick ass like you!

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmber Mc

Katie's seventeen now, trust me, the fighting and bullshit never ends. Politicians and bureaucrats don't give a rat's ass about handicapped children, they're thought of as a burden, not a gift.

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterdeb

I pity the fool that fuks with Tanis's kid!

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterlarrylily

Alright, Tanis!!! Kicking asses and taking names - 'atta girl. I grew up the middle of three kids; both siblings have developmental disorders (older's is mild, younger's is moderate). My parents had to continuously fight the school systems, tooth claw & nail, just to get basic services funded. Heaven knows it ain't easy but I'm always thankful to hear about fighters like you. Way to defend your little cub, Mama Bear!

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterOMOTET

My stepsons are no where near as special as your kid, but they are special education kids.

A couple of weeks ago we were told that they were being moved out of their placements and to another school. My husband left messages with everybody, including the superintendent, stating that he knew his rights and that there would be a lawsuit if necessary. Would you believe that the superintendent told him that she felt "threatened" and was thinking about calling the police on him! Because saying that you know your rights and your options is tantamount to a death threat to these people.

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKristen

That is fucked up. Public schools are hilariously underfunded. Also, yay for adult acne!

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLauren

Yay for winning against the Asshat burecrats!!

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDenise

Speaking from one who is familiar with the "other side" (teaching and social services) and as the parent of a kindergarten child who is special only to us... we as mothers/parents/civilized/somewhat sane people... need to fight for ALL education, it seems. Like here in Alberta... education cuts? For real?? Jeezuz. We all need to be on our toes and carrying the bat.

You say "gonch"... I say "ginch"... is that a norther Alberta/southern Alberta difference?

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCC

Yeah, you have to be an advocate for your child. Because, let's face it, no one else cares like you do...

We're going through a different sort of struggle with beaurocracy that I don't blog about, but I know the pain...

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFrogdancer

voodoo dolls are awesome. you know what else is awesome? finding out where that idiot works then leaving a dead skunk in his car after you let the air out of his tires and write "FREE BLOWJOBS HERE" on the side of said car. with your keys.

quite possibly i am going over the top because i am bitter and angry about the giant Heater Patch that is growing on the right side of my neck.

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterStone Fox

Well thank heavens for superhero's AND superMom's. Dumbass bureaucrat probably didn't know what hit him, or poked him in the ass I suppose ;)
Our province really is being run by idiots isn't it.

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJacquie

Good luck, SuperMom! I too have a kid who no one thought was special enough. One SuperLawyer later, everyone started to see it too. Sigh.

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterStimey

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by marymac and Coupledumb. marymac said: RT @redneckmommy New post. It's um, SPECIAL. http://bit.ly/QKEK0 Hoping it doesn't land my ass in jail or have my child yanked from my home. [...]

You are awesome.

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterpgoodness

All I can do is shake my head. Fucking idiots.

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLynn (Walking With Scissors)

I need lessons please!

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLisa b

As I said the other day, your child is probably just too good-looking. Really really ridiculously good-looking people are always getting a raw deal.

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBackpacking Dad

Your post (while humorously written) actually pissed me off no end. Why parents should be forced to fight so hard to get their kids into the appropriate programs is unbelievable. Two of my relatives are involved in the education system (one being a teacher's aide in a special needs class) and the stories they tell indicate that you are not the only person who is forced to be a SuperMommy in order to get assistance for their kids. So infuriating...but I don't need to tell you that.

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMarilyn (ALotofLoves)

And you live in the "rich" province, my friend's daughter is having issues with getting her pension!

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkyooty

Way to go!! You can be my superhero.

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterThe Urban Cowboy

I'm just still aghast that there are clueless bureaucrats in Canada too.

You get 'em, Tanis.

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJulie @ The Mom Slant

I have zits and nipple hair too! Never been proud of those two things until today. I'm glad you have a super hero helping you fight stupid asshats. And your little guy is pretty special to have a mom as superheroey as you.

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJen

I admire your ability to make an infuriating story so entertaining.

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMaria

You might want to get in touch with http://chargesyndrome.blogspot.com/" rel="nofollow">this Canadian mom of a special needs child. Tell her you're a friend of mine. If anyone knows the ins and outs of the education system and getting what your child needs, it's her.

Good luck. Prayers sent up. Give all three kids a hug from their Auntie Omnibus.

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterOmnibus Driver

Uh... may I just point out school boards are being told to return money from their fixed budgets to our *dis*able minded government. I personally would love to see some of our special children taken to the government offices to sit and spend some quality time with those who are so short sighted.

How is our society going to be viewed by historians with our absolute disregard for those who should be revered and honored and cared for?

Trust me on this - schools want funding for our special children. Imagine having to work in an environment where you know you are not doing the best for the children you are employed to care for. Seeing children being left behind because you do not have the time or resources to do what's needed to create the best program for the child. Reality stinks!

Squeak away - just squeak high enough to do something.

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnn

The Superhero - and pimple faced mothers - always win in the comic books. And I think they will win in this case too. Keep fighting the fight. We're all cheering for you.

~ humps

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterhumpsNbump

Tanis,

You kick ass. I love you.

BTW, my kid has one eye (really), and in addition to the school district (my kid really doesn't need services), I am totally flabbergasted every time I have to take on the insurance company about getting my kid a fucking EYE.

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCorey

geez,,,,,it seems that be it in Canada or the US...we have too many gddam lil peeps sitting at a desk looking at a paper and saying...yeay or nay....be it in health care..teaching our children...or "looking out for us"...us being the middle class peeps...telling us this is the way we have to do it...or else.....you go tanis......stand up to the Man....and break his lil balls....dear god when will this stop....we elect these peeps to look after us.....and so far...thru my humble observastions...the bastards are out for themselves...how to we stop them....good luck to you my friend......

September 11, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterroberta

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