Homework For Mom

My children brought home a homework assignment for the entire family. They had to fill out fifteen random facts about themselves for a health project. Part of the project was for me to write out random facts about myself in an effort to get my children to see their parents as sparkly human beings and to likely amuse their teacher as she sits at home, drinking her wine and mocking marking her student's papers.

Since I am an obedient parent, this is what I handed in so that my children could get to know the inner freak who resides within the woman they know as Mom.

  • When most teenaged girls my age hung posters of River Phoenix and Corey Haim on their bedroom walls, I was neck deep in fantasy fiction, living out my own Dungeons and Dragon's world in my very own bedroom.

(Ya, I was super cool. There may have been a reason I never had a date growing up. Ahem.)

(Sure everyone else was listening to The New Kids on the Block and Milli Vanilli but I rocked to my own twang.)

  • I used to wear my mother's worn out cowboy boots and my dad's fringed leather jacket to high school. Who needed brand name clothes when I could rock the hillbilly chic look.

(If you borrow my cowboy boots though, I will hunt you down and beat you with a wet noodle.)

  • I had a small teen crush on David Hasselhoff during his Knight Rider years, but it totally died when he frolicked on the beach in an orange bathing suit.

(Manboobs are never attractive. Take heed my sons.)

(Google it children. Trust me, it rocked when I was nine.)

  • I used to pretend I was Daisy Duke when I was five. There was a seven year old boy who I was dying to impress who lived across the street who reminded me of Bo. He taught me how to blow bubbles with my chewing gum.

(This may explain my aversion to bubble gum.)

  • My first kiss to a boy was when I was nine to the boy who lived next door. He was really rotten to me in public but sweet talked me whenever we were alone. I can't remember his name but I'm sure he's probably been divorced a few times over by now.

(I don't want to know about your first kiss though until you're old and I'm drunk.)

  • At age fourteen I had my first french kiss and didn't quite grasp the whole concept of tongue kissing. I couldn't understand why I was supposed to ram my tongue down poor Jeff's throat and choke him with it. Nor did I appreciate his braces ripping off the skin on my lips or the fact we practically needed bibs to contain the copious amounts of drool we leaked during our romantic slow dance at the afterschool dance.

(This will explain to you why I always chaperone your school dances.)

  • I still mourn Elton John's decision to give up his costumes while entertaining and I'm fairly certain I would have been Liberace's best friend if I had the chance to meet him.

(And if you don't know who Liberace is I have failed at this parenting gig.)

  • I used to doodle cartoons about the X-men and I loved Wolverine. There is no amount of squealing in the world that could adequately express how excited I am to see the upcoming movie.

(If you read this on the sly before the movie comes out, play your cards right and I could be persuaded to pull you out of school to come watch it with me. But don't tell your father.)

  • I hate beets. They taste like red dirt.

(I don't care what your father says, you will never have to eat a beet under my roof.)

  • When I was ten I wanted to be a truck driver so that I could see the country and meet different people. When I was 14, I wanted to be a brain surgeon. When I was 18, I wanted to be able to actually fill out my bra without stuffing kleenex in the cups.

(I encourage you to set your goals higher than I did when I was 18.)

  • Whenever I imagined the year 2000 I pictured flying cars and aluminum suits and pills for food.

(I was slightly disappointed this never came true but I hold high hopes for the year 2025.)

  • I have been known to shove licorice up my nose and impersonate a walrus.

(The trick to this is not to forget where the licorice has been and then eat it ten minutes later.)

  • No one will ever be able to convince me that American Idol was a good idea.

(I may or may not say this because I am too old to audition and sound like a cat in heat when I sing.)

  • I think Billy Ray Cyrus is sexy and I wouldn't kick him out of my bed for eating crackers under the sheet.

(It's the hair. I love me a good mullet.)

I can't wait to see what grade I get when the teacher returns the assignment.