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Tuesday
Feb242009

Portapotties and Penis Envy. Yet Another Post My Parents Will be Proud of.

I've never thought I had penis envy.

There may be a small period of time each month where I howl like a dog and wish I had my very own tripod. Nobody in their right mind wants to have to don a pair of period panties, but that isn't really penis envy is it? Seems more like common sense to me.

And that time my son wrote my name in the snow? I, for one small second, totally wished I had a stem just to see if that particular talent runs in the family. But it's not like I wanted my own penis. I already have a penis. It just happens to be attached to my husband.

For the most part I revel in my womanhood. It's no secret that I have an ongoing-love affair with all things boob related.

And as much as I didn't love the feeling of having three rabid wildebeests claw their way out of my vagina, I wouldn't trade that experience for anything.

There is nothing so heart warming as feeling your unborn child's little elbows in your ribs. Nor are there words to express that alien-like moment when you can actually count their fingers or toes as they try to crawl through your stomach skin.

Moments like those are worth the price of female admission; even if emotional instability, irritability and the odd second of irrational insanity sometimes accompanies the one on the ride of womanhood.

Nope, I just didn't think I had penis envy.

But then, this weekend, as my husband and I took a road trip with our newly expanded family, I realized I may have a *wee* (makes minute gesture with her thumb and forefinger) case of penis envy.

It hit me shortly after the kids piped up about having to go to the washroom. It didn't matter they had already gone to the washroom a half hour prior, the two liters of pop they used to wash down the salt of potato chips their father fed them against my motherly instincts was ready rapidly filling up their bladders and demanding to be released.

My husband, the thoughtful father he is, pulled over to the side of the road next to a small tumbleweed sized bush and pointed it out to his children.

"Your potty awaits you," he grinned.

Frac, being the boy, hopped out of the car without a second thought and took to spraying urine all over the highway with his hose.

Fric however, rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest and declared "NO."

I looked up from my crackblackberry, to watch the show down. For once it wasn't me going head to head with my preteen daughter. This ought to be fun, I thought to myself evilly.

Boo looked surprise and perhaps a wee bit slighted as though he was thinking, "What? My little tumbleweed roadside bush isn't good enough for you to pee behind?"

"I'm not peeing behind those twigs nor am I peeing next to the highway. I can hold it until we find a bathroom," Fric said rather imperially.

"Well, then I guess you are going to hold it for a long time because the next time I stop this vehicle it's because we are at our destination," Boo replied equally imperially.

There was silence as father and daughter eyed one another and wondered who would be the first to break. Stubbornness is a quality highly prized in our family dynamics.

Just then Frac jumped back into the car and looked at his sister and asked if she had to go to the washroom.

"Yes, I do, but apparently I am going to be holding it for a while," she said while glaring at her father.

Boo turned around and smiled to me and headed back onto the open road.

It wasn't long after that moment that I realized *I* had to go pee. Great. Do I risk poking the bear or do I just squirm in discomfort for the next hour and a half?

My battered bladder voted on poking the bear and since my dignity largely rides on the fact she keeps me dry and stink free most days, I agreed with it.

"Boo," I leaned over to whisper in his ear, "I have to pee. Badly. Like if you don't find a gas station immediately the leather upholstery is in direct danger of being ruined."

I love it when my husband glares at me. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. "Seriously Tanis?" he whispered back.

"As serious as the Niagra falls dude. Sorry."

"Shit."

"No, just number one, really," I joked to him. (Note to self: Don't go out of your way to annoy your husband when he is already aggravated with you in general.)

It wasn't much longer before my husband was pulling over and into a roadside rest stop.

"Dude, I said a gas station!"

"Beggars can't be choosers, Tanis. It's this or the bush. The next gas station is almost an hour away."

"Shit."

"I thought you said you only had to do number one?" he joked back right before I ripped his face off with my bare hands and then licked my bloodied fingers clean.

Laughing, Boo turned around and gestured to Fric, "For you my princess. I drove to the ends of the earth for you bodily needs. Oh wait," he said as he reached into the glove box and then turned back to Fric and handed her a crumpled napkin, "here, in case there is no toilet paper. Don't say I never do anything for you," he snickered.

Fric rolled her eyes and jumped out with the innocence of one who has never had to pee inside a plastic roadside portapotty before. Me, I just sat in the vehicle and glowered about my lot in life.

When Fric hopped back in the car she shuddered as she informed me it was my turn and then mentioned how disgusting the inside of the plastic outhouse was.

Boo laughed as I told him I'd rather pee in the forest and use leaves for toilet paper and then like the wise ass he is, pointed out there was no forest in sight. Just fields of snow. As far as the eye could see.

Dammit. Where's a log to squat over when you need one, I grumped as I got out of the car and trudged to my plastic encased hell.

I'm not a pansy. I'll pee anywhere. Usually. I've even been known to bypass the ridiculously long lines at bars and concerts and barge into the mens room. Filth doesn't scare me.

Once upon a time, before children and any semblance of dignity set in, I could even pee standing up. It wasn't pretty but it could be done.

If I had an extra set of pants, I would have tried that old trick once again because upon opening the door to the plastic pee potk, the waft of human waste and chemicals threatened to singe my nose hairs off.

I did the ole hover and squat with out touching anything and thanked the heaven I remembered to stick kleenex in my coat pockets because the only toilet paper in sight was an old piece of sand paper with some black goo on it stuck to the floor.

As I kicked the door open so as not to touch it with my hands, it was at that moment I realized I had a hard-on for a penis. Or a throbbing case of penis envy.

"Dude, you need to find a gas station," I informed Boo as I scrubbed my hands vigorously with the hand sanitizer I keep in the glove box.

"Why? You just went," Boo sighed with annoyance.

"We still have the trip home to face. And after that little visit to hell, I have decided it would be easier to pee in a bottle than face that indignity again. I need me a cup. And more diapers. Cuz I'm diapering all the kids on the way back home like they diaper astronauts. Jumby won't mind sharing his stash."

"You are insane," my husband laughed as my children cringed with horror at the thought of being diapered once again.

"I'm not insane. I'm vaginally challenged. I need a man-china. But a cup will do. If it's good enough for Mr.Lady and truckers everywhere, it's good enough for me."

Penis envy. It sneaks up on a gal and then springs to attention.

***Postscript: I have since discovered this site and their product. I'm totally buying it and reviewing it on my blog. Why? Because I can. It'll be fud (Female urnination device.) er, fun. And it's the next best thing to growing a dick.***
« I'm a Supa-Staar | Main | Jumby »

Reader Comments (74)

I can pee into anything and not miss. There's something to be said for having 5 brothers.

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMr Lady

Camping. I first realized my penis envy during a camping trip. I believe it might have been during the exact moment when I accidentally lowered myself onto a prickly weed, and then doing a very lady like squat-hop to reposition myself, peed all over my shoe. And what about a disgusting public bathroom? My husband always says I come out with some kind of traumatized look on my face, whilst he tells me he doesn't have to touch anything but himself. Boo. So yeah, a penis would be convenient.

We have better orgasms and stuff, but for the day to day, I think it would be handy.

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDeb

You've discovered the she-wee?

I bought my sister one for a music festival we went to, I am such a nice bloke.

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSingleParentDad

Been there, done that. I'm seeing a go-girl in my future.

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShash

I hear you sister. Squatting in the woods always causes me to wish for a more convenient urination method. I love being a girl and all, but there's gotta be a better way. I look forward to your review of the fud.

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmber

My husband talked me into going over the road w/him once (first & last). "What about when I have to go during the night?" "Here's a coffee can." ?! At 3am I made him walk me into the truck stop. The next day we hit Wally world and bought a camp potty.

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermamasvan451

Tanis, you need a Shenis.

http://www.shenis.com/about.html

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermagpie

My daughter, who is now 10, thought she had a penis until she was 7. The Freudian thing was active, she must've thought penis=power. She also got that size matters because her invisible penis hung to the floor. Apparently, it also could've been ridden to NYC. I am not a prude by any means and I love a good penis, but I am so glad she outgrew that little phase.

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKim

Better watch Fric. She seems smart. If you check out my current ranting raving post about raising girls, you will sore afraid.

It doesn't get funner.

Wanna play with mine for a while and see if you like it?

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAvitable

I always wanted to write my name in the snow with pee, because I'm all about the maturity. I convinced my husband to let me. I might have promised him benefits for his sharing.

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterwitchypoo

I always knew there was a reason why I have a funnel in my kitchen. I sure as hell haven't used it for anything food-related...

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLynn (Walking With Scissors)

OH MEH GAH. i need that. :-D

totally looking forward to your review!

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMommyNamedApril

I was in the "marching band" in college and we regularly took VERY LONG bus trips. On these bus trips, we never stopped until the driver had to, and the drivers were usually male. Combine that with the fact that we carried a full bar and coolers on board, and... well... we never went anywhere without our go-girl-type urination accessory and a few empty bottles. In fact, the very back seat of the bus was pretty much the "ladies' room." Even in a moving vehicle with several gin and tonics in your system, the faux-penis works pretty well!

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterheels

Tanis - I feel your pain! Every time we've traveled and had to stop somewhere disgusting, I wished for something like the GoGirl! I've also seen adverts for P-Mate(http://p-standingup.com/)

I can't wait to hear your review!

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKari

As a child I used to say "and when I grow up I'll have a penis!" and my mom would go "no sweetie" and I'd go "yes mommy". I was a little penis obsessed as a kid. When we played Guess Who my first question was always "does your guy have a PENIS?"

I peed in the nastiest frat house this weekend (don't worry, I'm 20) I swear, apparently boys can do more than just pee in the urinal. Sorry, that's probably TMI for my first comment on your blog, but honestly I was kind of traumatized. I still am.

and the first thing I would do if I had a penis was jump on the bed naked! My mother, little sister and I once had a 20 minute long conversation about what it must be like to have a penis. That's some good family bonding.

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMolly

Try the Lady J adaptor. www.sportys.com/acb/showdetl.cfm?DID=19&Product_ID=298 - 120k

Excellant reviews.

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCharles

I'll be interested to see your review-these could come in handy on my upcoming trip!

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterderfina

I have seen these and thought of getting them for when we are camping, because hubby camps rustic! can't wait to hear what you think of them.

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDomestic Extraordinaire

I'm intrigued by the Go Girl device, but the thought of what they might show me on that introductory video had me quietly clicking away from that site.

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterall things BD

Hey- if you are trying the Go Girl thing, you should try this. I saw it and have wanted to try it but I wanted to find someone else to try it first. You'll do it right? It's a P-mate!

http://www.p-mate.com/eng/intro.html

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterperksofbeingme

Some people I have known have used things like those, sometimes the road is just unfair to us ladies!

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterThe Social Frog

Yeah, you'll be loving that thing until the first time you accidently get it caught in a zipper...

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterIrish Gumbo

I never had penis envy. And as the mother of two boys, I have it even less. Because a girl wouldn't piss all over my bathroom floor because she decided to open the lid before she pulled down her pants all the way. I have enough penises in my life. I don't need one to complicate things further.

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJill

Your rest areas are even Redneck! The only port-o-jons I've ever seen on the side of the road were for the construction workers! lol

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShelli

I smell a give-away! Or, perhaps a new sponser?

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKK

"You won’t be like a man. You’ll just pee like one." LMAO!

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterChristina

When we moved my mom was worried about the boys having to go to the bathroom because it's such a long drive (and apparently she thinks the south is so backwards there aren't public restooms) so she gave us a pee cup. I'm not kidding, it was an *actual pee cup*. And it was *used*, it's something she found cleaning my Grandpa's house after he died. I was like "You've gotta be kidding me.". Then I told the boys they'd better learn to hold it.

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSammanthia

1. I knew a chick who could write her name in the snow, and her name was Misty, so you know that took actual talent.

2. I'm a girl, and I can pee behind bushes, beside trees, on roadsides, and even behind liquor stores in Canada. I have MAD SKILLS, and suspect that my friends are envious.

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered Commentervelocibadgergirl

Anyone else watch the go girl intro video and hear "boners will love it"

Do they mean bowlers? Confused. Are the bowlers trying to pee into the holes of the bowling ball? is it for bowlers who want revenge on other bowlers?

I'm waiting for that review, hehe

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMolly

OMG, I read this post earlier and was like laughin my ass off. Then I'm sitting here watching Chelsea Lately, quite possibly a rerun, and they were discussing the Go Girl! I was like, "Ah! Tanis would probably pee on herself watching this!" It was pretty effing funny!

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJaime

de-lurking to share this bit of penis envy - Top Gear presenters demonstrating and discussing the SheWee device...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFUdG8lAiKI

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHelen

Oh my god I soooo want some of those! WHat a great idea! Can't wait to hear the review!

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDana

Yep, I need one of those. I've always wanted to write my name in the snow.

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermothergoosemouse

The whole time I was reading you post....I'm thinking, "she needs to try a go-girl!" I JUST heard about this product on the radio last week, and orderd some three days ago. I hope it works! Got mine for camping. Especially at night....I tried using a large ziplock baggie once in our tent. Seemed like I should have been able to cinch it all up into position pretty good. IT DID NOT WORK!!!! Pee all down my leg, then I started laughing...

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHolly

I didn't need to go till I started reading this...

February 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterVic

Tanis, your such a wuss.

Its called a "Lady J" and campmor.com has had them for decades. They have something even better, something that is fitting with your "Redneck" image you have so nicely crafted.

Its called a Bumper Dumper

http://www.bumperdumper.com/bumper2.htm

yep, your own piece of Gen-u-ine invention and practicality.

Get two, one for each vehicle.

February 25, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterlarrylily

I refuse to go even in a gas station because those places are disgusting. Vomit and feces are not my idea of a good time. But, then again, I know I am a wuss.

February 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterWickedStepMom

LMAO at your roadtrip. My dad made sure I was able to "do my business" anywhere early on in my life. Because when you're a newly widowed man, taking your 8 year old daughter duck hunting in the ditchbanks of Mn at 4am, it's not very convenient to have to drive all the way back to town so she can go pee. The only downside is he now has a daughter who won't stand in line for the bathroom in a crowded bar. He's so proud!

February 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDawnMarie

I'll be travelling in South American next spring and cannot wait to hear your review of this product. Do you think customs will question a entire suitcase filled with feminine funnels?

February 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSassyPants

I married Gods gift to women that need to pee. He refuses to stop anywhere yucky or that looks icky and if I find out that appearances were decieving he will actually get back in the car and try somewhere else. The other up side is that he is an over the road trucker and so knows ALL of the truck stops everywhere. I can't say that I am really picky...I'm an avid camper/hiker...but Gods dirt is just cleaner than mans...

February 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCindy and Co

My husband IS a trucker and so having gone on many trips with him I know the terrible places one has to go to the bathroom at. I have found that I can pee into a gatorade bottle with no spillage (thanks to all the times I peed in a cup while pregnant). I have many times wished for a better implement for peeing.

February 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJenera

I definitely have had penis envy for years and it only got worse once I started having boys. Its more convenient, it does tricks. I think its all around cooler than the boring ole vag.

February 25, 2009 | Unregistered Commentershonda

I grew up in Alaska. Somewhere between Fairbanks and Tok I once had to pee in the middle of a blizzard, in the middle of the road, in front of the van (so as to not get lost) holding hands with a friend of mine so we didn't get separated. I am jealous of all these peeing contraptions!!! I so want one. No more mosquito bites on my butt! Yay :)

February 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterElly

Holy crap, dude (though you're by far the hottest dude I've ever called a dude)(my, what lovely boobs you have!), that Shenis is a wee (no pun intended) bit awesome, in a "If I had a 12-inch shenis, I'd never leave my house," kind of way.

Of course, if I never left my house, I'd never actually NEED a Shenis. Or a GoGirl. Or a She-wee.

I want a job naming these products.

C'mon think of it as a workout. The "ole hover and squat" must be great for the abs.

February 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAbove Average Joe

That was hilarious...it reminds me of when my hubby took me on a scooter run out to a beach in the middle of nowhere in Victoria...8 months pregnant and forgot to inform me we would be staying for a few hours!! I have never had to pee so bad in my life. (think long road, ocean and no trees or bushes). Also who would drive the go-girl car? I don't know if I could....

February 25, 2009 | Unregistered Commentertwo stinky kids

My sister and I totally invented the Go-Girl twenty years ago! Except we called it a "She-nis" and it was made out of an old funnel and a rubber hose.

February 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCoach J

My sister dropped her coach purse, coach wallet and iPhone in the porta potty at NASCAR. ha ha ha ha Gross

February 25, 2009 | Unregistered Commentervicky

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