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You know what is colder than a witch's tit?

That would be my house.

Not that I know just how cold a witch's tit is, but my daddy used to always say that after coming in from the frosty winter air while I was growing up.

And judging by how perky and hard this witch's tits currently are, it's damn cold out there.

Try shaking that mental image out of your noggin. You are welcome.

It seems I woke up one morning to find myself living in the middle of a freaking ice cube. Literally. Over night the power quit, the furnace motor died, the fire went out in the wood stove and my farcking water line froze.

Welcome to Winter up in Northern Canada y'all. At least I don't have to worry about the contents in the deep freezer thawing.

*yay for optimism!!!*

If that wasn't bad enough, my truck wouldn't start even though I plugged the block heater in. Turns out my battery froze and swelled up like a can of beans with a bad case of botulism.

If cursing can keep a woman warm on a chilly morning, I would have been feverish.

Thankfully, my husband in all his burly glory was home to deal with all the frozen carnage. There is nothing sexier than a man wearing three coats, a pair of winter over alls, a toque  and sporting a fine set of snotsicles. It gets me hot just thinking about it.

How cold is it? Two nights ago it sank to the frosty depths of -59 with windchill. For my metrically challenged American friends Imperial bastards that is -74 freaking degrees.

I'm used to chilly temperatures during our long winter months but there has to be a limit to how far the thermometer can push me before I go stark raving mad. I think I'm there.

When the radio station announced that I lived in the second coldest place on the entire planet, I cackled like a school girl watching her nemesis get pantsed.

I mean, when the only place colder than where you live is freaking SIBERIA, it may be time to consider moving to a warmer location. Or, in my case, go shopping.


Unless you have ever been house bound with three children bouncing off the walls from boredom in deathly cold temperatures, you can't judge me. I'd rather face the very likely possibility of freezing to death in a parking lot than be forced to watch one more episode of Wizards of Waverly Place.

Shopping turned out to be all right. For just days before the greatest consumer Christian holiday event of the season, the stores were surprisingly empty.

I surmise it's because normal peoples' brains weren't permanently addled by the frost.

Pffth. Whatever. I scored a pair of nose hair trimmers for less than six bucks and found a pair of fur trimmed panties so it was a total win. Even if I lost part of my left ear lobe to frost bite and had to have my truck jump started three times in one day by an assortment of questionable men who thought "Can you give me a boost?" was code for "Why yes, I want to play with your trouser snake."

Unfortunately, I returned home to find out the school buses will not be running anytime soon due to extreme temperatures which means more freaking Disney Channel marathons. I'd toss the badgers outside but I'm pretty sure there are laws about exposing children to temperatures that can literally freeze their noses off in under a minute.



It's not just humans that are suffering out here either. My dogs aren't so happy about it either. Although that may be because I keep laughing at them whenever I stuff them into the stupid little doggy parkas they need to wear because they are basically rats disguised as family pets and don't have enough fur to keep them warm.

Our cats don't have it so easy. My husband insists they are outside cats no matter what the temperature is. I insist he is an asshole. The truth is somewhere in the middle. After losing the battle and worrying about them all night long when the temps dipped down to -59 I put my big girl panties on and waged war against my feline hating husband..

I won. The cats were allowed in for the night. I knew he'd back down when I threatened to rip his testicles off and throw them in the snowbank. For some reason he has an unnatural attachment to them.

The problem was, where the hell were the cats? They weren't coming when we called for them and I had visions of frozen cats littering my driveway. Nothing says 'Welcome and Merry Christmas!' like dead animals decorating our lawn.

So I did what any momma insane chick who's husband refused to help would do. I bundled up like the abominable snowman and set out as the one woman search party I was.

Let me tell you, it gave a whole new meaning to pussy popsicle.

The cats were fine; cold but safe and are now currently residing in different branches of my Christmas tree and pooping in my husband's shoes.


I can't tell you how this has helped elevate the festive spirits around here. Snicker.

But the worst part of all this? Beyond frozen pipes, dead vehicles, dogs who keep crapping right in front of the door because it's too cold to venture more than 12 inches from the house, cats who are meticulously destroying one precious Christmas ornament at a time, children who are slowly torturing me to death with their whines of boredom and the sounds of Hannah Montana which now haunt me in my sleep?

I freaking shaved my legs right before Jack Frost's terrorist attack and now, all my body temperature is escaping through my legs.

I can't keep warm.

It's like I'm being punished for grooming.

Lesson learned. The Yeti will return and hopefully so will warmer temperatures.

(Although it may get chilly in the bedroom since my husband has some weird rule about not wanting to engage in marital obligations with a chick who has more body fur than he does.)

Right now though, I'm willing to risk it.

Now excuse me, I need to go put a toque on.
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Reader Comments (74)

you never fail to make my day!
Tanis - you are just awesome.
love your blog.

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBecca

Damn, you weren't kidding.

I'm not going to complain about 16 degrees again.

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCarrie

I hate to be both pedantic and the bearer of bad news, but you realize it isn't even winter yet, right? In other words, it's only just begun.

With love,

Smug and Snug as a Bug in Southern California

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMichael @badassdadblog

My husband has the same bizarre rule. Whatev....if I have to wear two layers of pants, then I ain't shaving. Besides, that means it's most likely too cold to expose even the most minimal amount of skin required for grown-up activities.

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterthepsychobabble

At least they aren't pooping in the Christmas tree and residing in your husband's shoes!

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCJ

I will never ever complain about English weather again.

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKat

I love your tweets and your blog and its so awesome how you stand up for your own pussy! (Cat) lol ;)

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermrs_malicious

I had shrinkage just hearing about your weather on the radio yesterday. Thank god I moved to tropical Vancouver.

Hope you live through til spring.

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCaptain Dumbass

You need to put on some clothes, woman, rather than writing blog posts in your birthday suit (is your birthday in the winter?).

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterPhat Girl

Holy crap that's friggen COLD! I can't even comprehend that level of coldness. Especially when it's 27 or 81 for us imperialists outside here in sunny central Florida. ;) Good luck with that though...

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHockeymandad

Bahaha. And here I've been going around saying, "At least it's warmer than Siberia!" 'Cause I am a glass half-full kind of a girl. Except that our heater hasn't crapped out and our vehicles were safe in the garage. So, I've got that on my side...

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLynn @ Walking With Scissors

-->That is just too cold to even imagine. I was freaking out last week because it was 38F when I got in my car one morning.

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterWebSavyMom

wow! that is some crazy shiz. i just shaved my legs yesterday for the first time in months. i have goose pimples all the time now, and it is cold here, like, in the 40s. my blood has thinned over the years and it's cold for me. take care and keep warm.

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKiki

I sorta figured you had a big-ass emergency generator out back, to power the furnace, video games and vibrator chargers in case of an electrical outage.

It pays to be prepared.

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDick Carlson

BTW -- it's 67 degrees down here in South Carolina -- that converts to "I don't care" in Canadian.

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDick Carlson

It's 42 degrees (F, of course, the only way to measure temperature) here at Casa de Crazy. People are acting like it's -42. I'm going barefoot because if the ground ain't frozen, I don't hafta wear shoes. Come on down and warmn up - I have a crawl space where you can stow the badgers.

Shade and Sweetwater,

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKyddryn

What the F is a toque?

I remember the MacKenzie brothers saying it once, or maybe it was Red/Green, but what is it, some kind of frozen beaver you wear on your head?

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterlarrylily

From a fellow frozen Albertan, take it from me: Footie PJ's are the answers to all your prayers.
Have someone go to Target and ship you up a pair. I got mine yesterday and it was the first time I've been warm in a week...and my furnace still works. We won't talk about my truck though.

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterPrincessJenn

ha ha ha!! same Kat!!!

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBecca

And I was bitching about last week's 0 degree weather here in Chicago. I'll think twice before I complain again. I hope it warms up there.

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterdrlori71

And I was complaining about scurrying around campus, class to class, in below zero wind chills. Maybe you have it worse off...

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered Commenteradria

That is freakin' cold and my sympathies will surely not warm your titties, but since I think I have a girl crush on you I might rub them warm for you..

My husband would probably enjoy that.

Now really, the question I have is what the hell is a TOQUE?

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCatootes

Oh,haha... I feel so silly now, all bundled up in my office, bitching for a solid week about how I'm frozen to the bone, and it's 59-64 degrees lately! but, the hot, humid summers we have to endure here in southern Louisiana really last so long that we get used to it and always seemed shocked at the coldness of winter when it arrives... yeah, I'm still cold. Just not as cold as you are :)

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHeather

COMPLETELY understand about the Disney Channel thing. When I found myself quoting the Jonas brothers and considering the wisdom of Perry the Platypus I declared a fast from TV.

Unfortunately, it's the only way to keep them in their seats (short of duct tape) and quiet...

But, at least we are warm =/

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKath

What is a toque?

Personally, I think you should move. People can't survive in that weather. Or well I couldn't.

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterIssa

For people here in america, i looked it up. A toque is a beenie. You know a toboggon of sorts.

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCarrie

I have no idea what a toque is.
I laughed my ass off reading this.
I'm a HUGE wimp for whining about -6 degrees (with the wind chill) here in Michigan last week and should no longer be allowed to bitch & moan about the cold. yet I will anyway.
Keep up the awesome posts :)

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRusti

Okay I'm ducking now. I was whining because it was 40 degrees last night and we needed the heater on. (I plead my case as a life long California-this IS cold for us.)

Tanis-you are awesome.

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLili

While I do feel really bad for you in your frozen tundra, that was a freaking funny post.

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMcKenzie

Maybe it's just the neighbour's grass which always happen to be far greener than ours but, seriously, I've been having the same weather issues... but the other way around!

I live in Brazil and today I nearly fainted on the street due to the extreme hot, no kidding! Everybody complains about headaches because of the sun, some elderly have died the past few weeks in my city and there are more bugs in my bedroom than there are people in China!

I spent the whole day naked in front of the fan and I still felt hot. I wish it were cold in here.

PS: Celsius FTW! Damn this balderdash called imperial units. :)

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHugo

Silly Americans...

I just finished crocheting 25 inches of hats (I stacked them all and measured). If you tell me your favorite color, I could make you a spiffy hat! I've been wearing mine in the -30C to -35C plus windchill we've been having here, and I've been toasty... Except my nose...

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBubbleGirl

Oh darl... that sounds INSANE. MINUS anything would make my feet drop off... minus 59 degrees Centigrade is beyond my comprehension. Dear Lord...

In Australia at this time of year, we go shopping to escape the HEAT. It's been hovering around 40 degrees here at our place for a couple of weeks (although its a balmy 29 degrees here this morning). So if something visual can assist to thaw you and your loved ones out, here are some mirage images shot last week: http://bushbabe.blogspot.com/2009/12/messin-with-mirages.html

Oh and a successful shopping car park story to cheers you up too:

Warming hugs...

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBush Babe

I always heard it as "a witch's tit in a brass bra"!!

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterPat

@Carrie, ha-ha, when I first read this I thought, no a toboggan is a sled - but then I wiki'd it and now I see what you are talking about.

But my question is, what do you call this: ? Follow the link and you'll see why I snorted my water when I thought about wearing one of those on my head.

Up here a toque is a winter hat, sometimes with a pom-pon on top, but not always, sometimes with ear flaps, but not always. Just so everyone knows, you pronounce it like took the first two on the link, not the last one.

To have a bit of fun, my family sometimes calls it a taw-quee. As in, "Go inside and put a taw-quee on before your ears freeze!"

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLia

I hear you about how cold it is.. I live about 15 mins away from the nearest corner store and of course the bf forgot to tell me that we were out of milk and our little one apparently needed milk for cereal the next morning. Anyways he was off to work so I had to bundle myself and our little one to trek to the store... needless to say I am glad that the bf left his rig clothes so I looked like a giant smurf with a starfish in tow.

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCate

You know what's funny? We're having a cold December too, oddly cold. Today's high was 34 (yes, I know that's a heat wave for you of epic proportions), but that wind you folks keep sending our way sent the wind chill into the teens (again, yes I know...heat wave for you...but we Okies down in mid-America don't deal with this very well).

I sent my two youngest out to the trampoline for 10 minutes because by golly, you're gonna have a story to tell your kids someday about how mom used to say things like "it's good for your character" (which in mom-speak, is "get out of my house now").

Ours is a Spongebob marathon. If the toddler wins, it's Wow Wow Wubbzy. Yeah.

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKristin

Holy Hells Bells Tanis! -74?
DANG woman.

Get your frosty butt down here :-) IT got to a low of 48 F today ;-)

Love you woman. Thank you for the grins and the beer that snorted out my nose :)

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterrachel-asouthernfairytale

Quick move to Vancouver, it is a balmy 5C here today - yes that is on the plus side and expected to go up. Only bald people need toques in that kind of weather.

And really, I want to see an american wearing a canadian toboggan on their head . . .

You officially need a vacation, somewhere warm or even hot!

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered Commentergaylin

ONLY -59??? pfft.... y'all are pussies out there in Alberta!! You want f'n COLD- come to Manitoba!! baaaaahahahahahahahahah....

I feel your pain... I wish I hadn't shaved either... I need that extra fur for warmth... I'm so cold right now- I'd wrap myself in armpit hair if it would make me warm again...

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterPottyMouthMommy

Oh my God, that temperature is just shocking. We complain constantly about the cold at 5 degrees, jaysus you poor fuckers. My legs get fairly hairy during the winter months too!! Best wishes.

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJ from Ireland

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Tanis Miller and Tanis Miller, Tanis Miller. Tanis Miller said: New post on my blog. It's nipply out here. http://theredneckmommy.com/2009/12/15/brrrrr/ [...]

and I thought it was cold HERE! wow!

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSarcastica

Our furnace went out too. Motor seized. Finally fixed,but still freaking cold. It got down to 8C in our house. And that was the warm bit near the thermostat. *shiver* -from a fellow Alberta popicle

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBlue

or popsicle, even

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBlue

What a remarkable coincidence ! Muffy and I were just sitting here enjoying a hot toddy by the fire and noticed the crystal chandelier was getting foggy. I rang the bell and had Jeeves throw another stack of endangered old growth mahogany on the fire.
Perhaps I should have the maid draw us a bath in the Jacuzzi for us.

Pip-Pip Old Gal

Horatio Throckbottom

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterklaatu

brrrr is right. It's not right for it to be this damn cold this early in the not winter yet season.

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkyooty

When I heard that we were 1 degree warmer than Sibera I really had to look outside to make sure I was still in Edmonton and not back home in "Winterpeg". My Aunt fibbed to me when she told us Edmonton didn't get weather like that :)

Luckily the van started, while the ice on the inside of my house makes me 1. curse our landlords 2. really really dread the heating bill to come :(

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJacquie

"Marital obligations" cracked me right up. Yup. That's what it is alright. I totally understand. Yeti's live here in winter too. ;)

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterWackyMummy

Woof!!! That`s cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey!

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSteve

Considering how cold it's been, it hasn't bothered me that much, which is a little worrisome. Glad to hear your animals are safe and warm, kids too:)

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterdeb

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