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It Takes A Real Woman To Look Like A Man

Last week my entire family was struck by the plague. Which is why this here little blog sat quiet and empty for so long. I was too busy mopping up puke and doling out Tylenol to the feverish masses to try and write.

I've been asked if it was the dreaded Swine Flu that struck my family with such a heavy blow, but truth be told, I was too busy shivering and trying to stop the jack hammer trapped inside my head to bundle up my family to take them to the doctor and find out.

In the end, it doesn't matter which virus it was, we all survived it and my children learned a valuable life lesson.

They now know that if they puke on the floor they are old enough to wipe up their own vomit. While I would step in front of a moving locomotive for my children, my maternal love stops short when faced with a pile of gelatinous congealing barf, especially when hurled by someone else.

I'm a fickle bitch what can I say?

In other news, since this is the post where I talk about unseemly subject matter, my daughter has now taken to harassing me about shaving her legs. Legs which are covered with invisible peach fuzz unlike my own Sasquatch-like monstrosities.

Apparently, she's the only one in the entire school who doesn't rub a razor up and down her skin to remove unsightly hair. (I demanded proof that she alone was the only one with prickly legs but she confused proof with a big sigh and rolling of her teenaged eyeballs.)

She claims this makes her a loser. How this impacts her social status I can't figure out.

Do they line all the girls up in the hallway, make them pull up their pants and then caress each leg to see who has the worst stubble?

Do they have a weekly caressing competition and ribbons are awarded to the smoothest skin?

Are hall passes awarded based on length of leg hair??

Since I am steadfastly denying my child any chance at rising up the social ladder by refusing to buy her her very own five bladed razor complete with moisturizing shaving cream, my daughter has taken to stealing mine.

Which accounts for why every time I try to shave my legs I either rip large chunks of flesh off my legs or my hair just stands up and salutes me as it avoids the dull blade.

I have since given up on trying to shave the savage beasts and I've encouraged my daughter to do the same.

She, however, is refusing to see the beauty in leg hair long enough to braid.

If she keeps stealing my razors though, I'm going to go to her gym class wearing my shortest shorts and parade my fuzzy gams for all to see while lecturing to all the girls about why they should embrace what Nature gave them instead of waxing it off.

Then I'm going to braid my armpit hair and put beads on it and make sure to raise my hand a lot.

Teen+Wolf+4Mommy never misses her shot.

I'll explain to her as her friends watch with horrified glee, that it takes balls to be a real woman.

Mine just happen to be big and hairy.
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Reader Comments (41)


November 2, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermimi

Geez, it's coming up to winter. She doesn't even need to think about that shit til at least May. That's the beauty of wearing pants all the time!

Mind you, I distinctly remember some Grade 10 assholes picking on all us girls who hadn't started doing our legs yet. Rumours flew that we were lesbians....which I would embrace now..but at the time I was mortified.

Go hairy mama!

November 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMad Woman

"I have since given up on trying to shave the savage beasts"

I misread that, added an extra "r" and got a very unwelcome mental image. Thanks for that.

November 2, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterpixielation

Hey some girls look cute with hair on skin....

November 2, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterasit dhal

I remember having this discussion with my own mom 20 years ago. Right down to the "I'm the only one" and a rant on my diminishing popularity... Her solution? An Epilady Ultra purchased from the Sears Catalouge which put me off hair removal for another year after just one try. Damn that thing hurt! Well played Mom, well played.

November 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBee

I am so lucky, that at my age I now have only very little hair to shave. There are benefits to getting older! Yeah!

However, I do remember how exciting it was, when I first started to shave my legs, wear make up and all that jazz, even if you had to sneak.

November 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDiana, The Doggy Mommy

Oh to go back to that time and choose not to shave. Hell what am I talking about? I don't wear anything shorter than ankle length anyway so why bother shaving? Braided leg hair is sex-A!!

November 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLinda

if you want her to stop asking? Tell her waxing makes your legs soooooo much smoother and then get her a waxing kit.

That'll be the end of her caring about leg hair.

November 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMary

I guess its a different culture we are talking about but just a small advise.

Out of curiosity, Why wouldnt you let her shave her legs? ..

When you deem it to be the right time, Tell her not to start shaving, and go the waxing way.. by the time she hits her mid twenties there will be hardly any...

November 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnnie

As someone who was a razor-stealer herself at the tender age of 11, I can sympathize with your daughter...because everything is SO SERIOUS when you're that age!

You're totally scarring her for life, you know? Keep up the good work.

November 2, 2009 | Unregistered Commentertiff

I too, was going to suggest waxing... MOTHER OF GOD!!! I waxed ONE strip, on ONE leg, ONE time and will never wax again ... that hurts like a MOFO!!!!

Give her wax Mama!!

November 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJenn

ha ha ha!! I remember being 11 and wanting to shave my legs. i too stole my moms razor.
but it gets old so fast! nowadays (only 15 years later) and I shave my legs once a month (twice this month - cause of weddings)
besides it's winter and I agree with Mad Woman - she doesnt need to worry about it until the spring.

kids always do the opposite of what you want, so I say that you take her to the local beautician, and get her a full leg wax. see how long after that she decides she wants to be hair free...

November 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBecca

If she is noticing the other girls shave, then they are noticing she is not shaving and when you are that age, that is mortifying. My mom refused to let me shave and I would pray that she would look like the photo in the post~! Having said that, friggin' razors cost an arm and a leg, so make her earn it. She might decide being hairy is cool after all.

November 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHappy Hour...Somewhere

At least her anus will be properly bleached.

November 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAvitable

My daughter and I have only now come to an understanding and truce about razors. She finally leaves mine alone. Only too seven or eight years:)

November 2, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterdeb

Soooo funny!!!

November 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJamie

Oh crap. My NINE year old is already asking to shave her legs, as hers are actually pretty hairy. Poor thing. What IS an acceptable age for them to start? I haven't figured it out yet. I just know that I'M not ready for her to be shaving.

November 2, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterall things BD

This post is all fine and good but I'm a little miffed by the picture. If I've seen Teen Wolf once, I've seen it 1000 times but never have I garnered such a close look. I think you can actually see Alex P. Keaton's Nut Sac, dangling from his B-Ball shorts. Nice going Tanks. Way to fuck up one of the last truly innocent film icons of all time. Unless you like wolf scrotes of course...

November 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterOut-Numbered

BTW... I know how to spell Tanis but my phone has no clue.

November 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterOut-Numbered

Eleven seems to be the magical age. My daughter emailed me with her tale of woe and how she was being scarred for life because she was the only one in the class that wasn't shaving. I told her to send me the therapy bill!

November 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDual Mom

You shave?
What the hell for?

November 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer McKenzie

I let my girls start shaving their legs at 11 or 12. They did it for about three weeks in the winter, decided it was too much trouble, and didn't pick up the razor again until it was warm out. Oddly enough, that pattern has continued to this day. (they are 17) The best part is that it doesn't matter if they have a boyfriend or not. They say if he doesn't like it, too bad!

November 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKensi

Not that you asked me, but I would let her maybe when the weather gets warmer. If you can't trust her to do it with a regular razor, get her an electric one, so she doesn't cut herself. I have the hairiness of my Italian ancestors, so I developed body hair at a young age. It was HELL to be nine with underarm hair and a tank top!

November 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKensi

Summer is over....so is the shaving. It's a novelty thing...she'll get sick of it, like the rest of us. She'll learn!!

November 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Schmitty

I tried to convince my mother of the same thing and even had myself under the impression that I had DARK leg hair...THE HORROR! In reality, it was as light as the hair on my head & utterly invisible.
My mother eventually got tired of the whining & decided that she had to shave MY legs for ME so I knew how to do it properly. That held me off for a while. Later, when she finally did give in for real, I shaved a chunk out of the front of my right shin followed about a week later by the same incident on the left. I didn't shave for a while after that (& I was in high school).
Now it's just a pain in the ass, & classes at my university are just too time consuming for me to care much - even when occasionally life guarding.

November 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterChapstick Pezbian

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by JasonFalls and Tanis Miller, Tanis Miller. Tanis Miller said: New Post (or yet another reason why my daughter is going to make a voodoo doll in my image) http://bit.ly/h1DeP [...]

All right everyone. Apparently I didn't make myself very clear in my post.

(That's a sign of a good writer, in case you were wondering.)

My daughter's leg hair? Is INVISIBLE. As in so fine and blonde she may as well not have any. You can't see it unless your nose is pressed up against her leg.

And she's 13. She barely has boobs. I'm not going to let her start shaving her legs until a.) I can see the hair or b.) she is at the age where she spends time in the back seat of a boy's car. So like, 30 or something.

Although, I have to admit, I kinda like the idea of having her legs waxed. Just to see her face as the technician rips that hair off her body.

Again, it's a mystery why I'm not winning any parenting awards.

November 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRedneck Mommy

To her, it probably isn't about how visible her hair is. It's about the fact that women shave and girls don't. And right now, she has a daily reminder that while her friends are becoming women, she's staying a girl. And that sucks at 13. I say let her shave her legs. It will make her feel better. It's like a right of passage to gouge out chunks of flesh and get terrible razor burn. Go figure.

November 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmelia

@all things BD,

I have a 10 yr old daughter who has dark, very hairy legs. She asked me 2 summers ago. We started with Nair (Lord, what a mess.) and then after a few months I got her a razor. It was easy for me to sympathize. I was made fun of at her age for the same reason (it didn't help that the Catholic school uniform skirt had to be worn). I can say she is still about the only one who shaves in her age group but it seems all of her peers have blonde peach fuzz.

I will say she is very responsible and I actually did it for her the first time to show her how to navigate the knees, etc. I think every situation is different.

November 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnne

Get her waxed...that'll get her.

November 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAlex

She's begging to do it now, but give it a few months of doing it and she'll be complaining about having to. Like what I put up with from my wife.

November 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBadass Geek

@Badass Geek, Exactly!

November 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGrandeMocha

I don't shave my legs - haven't in years. Or my armpits. I'm pretty fair haired tho, so most of the time no one notices. I also live in Boulder, so most of the womyn here don't shave. But the reason I don't shave? I'M FREAKING LAZY PEOPLE! AND CHEAP!! I get by. I care not for what others say. I recently spent a week at the beach in Mexico and decided that people thought I was European, not American. I'm happy about that.

November 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDale

Somebody teased me once in 7th grade for not shaving my legs, and when I started looking around, I was the only girl (apparently) who didn't. I begged my mom for a razor and she refused, so I started trimming the (baby-fine, nearly invisible, peach fuzz) hairs on my legs with scissors. And one day accidentally cut my skin, and left me with a nice v-shaped scar. I was too embarassed to tell my mom how I cut myself, but I did save up money to buy my own razor and shaving cream. Which, for a kid with no allowance and no chore money, didn't take that long once I started raiding the couch cushions and pockets of clothes in the dirty laundry pile.

November 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterElaine

i just ran across your blog and i am litterally lmao... i love it... thanks after a night of hardly sleeping because my 5 year old was throwing up, my 6 year old was running a fever and my 2 year old never sleeps.. i REALLY needed a good laugh :)

November 3, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkarrie

I can't believe your humor!! Too funny... Love it! I shaved my legs at 12, and regret every second of it. I have a head full and my fair share everywhere else. You know what let her shave and share in the glory of being a hairy monster.

November 4, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTracy Westerholm

@Redneck Mommy, I did a post on Bejeweled Brazilians, maybe she need to read it to see what they actually do...http://www.taracronica.com/taboo/bejewelled-brazilians

but then again...maybe not...oh to have peach fuzz again....Tracy wake up were late !!!!

November 4, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTracy Westerholm

Too funny. Teenagers stress about these things way too early. I know I started shaving mine young because I had an older sister who loved to make fun of me. It would be nice though if society didn't make such a fuss about smooth legs, for the most part, mine are stubbly. Of course, I have a lot of Italian in me.

November 4, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterWhiney Momma

Man, my mom wouldn't let me shave my legs when all the other girls did, either and it totally mortified me and made me insecure. So much so that it made me painfully shy during a time when I was already struggling with intense social anxiety.

Let her shave!

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCasey

I begged to shave in 6th grade (yeah what was I thinking). My mom wouldn't let me, so one night at my aunts I decided to give it a go. I cut myself so bad, I still have a scar on my shin! To this day, I only shave when it's warm, my husband says something about it, or when I'm trying to impress :). I did get lucky though, I only have to shave about once every 2-3 weeks, and my hair doesn't get "prickly". It stays rather soft. Maybe the lack of shaving? I have found that the husband stops complaining about my leg hair when I use his razor to shave :D.

November 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKM

I love your big, hairy balls, lady. Keep 'em swingin'!

November 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGrumble Girl

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