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Friday
Oct232009

How To Piss Your Friend Off

After the dismal week this week has proven to be, I decided to cut myself some slack and abandon ship.

I'm handing over the parental reigns to the first adult who knocks on my door, whether it be a stranger, my sister, or my husband and I'm fleeing the province.

It's mutiny by choice around here; even my kids are sick of looking at me. That's not saying a lot since my kids are always sick of looking at me though. Must have something to do with the fact I am always up in their faces telling them what to do. I am trying not to examine that relation of cause and effect too deeply.

Instead, I'm focusing my energy on heading to Vancouver to help a friend.

You see, I received a very disturbing phone call from her husband who is distraught and confused and in a last ditch effort to turn the marital ship around he called me.

Poor delusional bastard. Must suck when I'm the only option one can avail themselves for emergency levity.

Heh.

P1020275_2Oh NOES!! What have I done?



The problem is, this woman, my known doppleganger, is in a bit of a hairy situation. Literally. It turns out she hit adult onset puberty and isn't adjusting very well.

Since her husband knows I'm all too familiar with nipple hairs and chin whiskers, he asked begged me to fly out to their house to educate his late blooming wife on how to deal with the fact she's morphing from a smoking hot mom to a dowdy, overly hairy female.

He's hoping I can transform her into, well, me.

My children may think I'm going to Mr.Lady's house for good times and laughter.

But they haven't seen what I'm up against. What The Donor is asking me to do because he is unable to bring himself to do it himself.

So I'm strapping on my Spandex and donning my cape, all so that I can save the marriage of one of my dearest friends.

After all, no man should have to wake up each morning to look at this:

caption0602_0

Seriously Shannon. How could you let yourself go this badly???



Shame on you Mr.Lady for not plucking sooner.

But have no fear, with a little shaving cream, your husband's razor and my trusted tweezers, I'll have you back in Hot Momma form in no time.

The things I do for my friends, I tell ya.

If you don't hear back from me by Monday, you know the bearded lady got the best of me and strangled me with one of her newly sprouted chest hairs.

Wish me luck.
« It Takes A Real Woman To Look Like A Man | Main | Life and Death »

Reader Comments (50)

A girls best friend in this delicate dilemma is a lighted makeup mirror ( or so I am told ) and a pair of Tweezerman tweezers. No endorsements pending.

October 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterhabanerogal

Shannon, I thought that was Anissa? ;)

*ducks*

October 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterWill

I'm only 22, but I get the scary chin whiskers... And a freakin mustache... It was bad enough that when my period randomly stopped the doctor told me it was a hormone imbalance, and didn't even consider another option until the blood tests came back... iron deficiency... Nair is my best friend some days.

Especially when my hubby tells me "I'll shave my face, when you shave yours." (That's when I cut him off from sex for a while)

October 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBubbleGirl

Give her a hug for me.

October 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAvitable

I'm thinking you're going to need more than a cape and some spandex to fix that train wreck.

October 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDiana

Have a great time. Ditto what Adam said and slip her the tongue for me!

October 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNancy

This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday - http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/10/five-star-fridays-edition-76.html

October 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterschmutzie

I can't tell if you're serious or not. Maybe some "after" photos could help? I'm kinda worried . . .

October 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJulie

Need a sidekick?

October 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBusyDad

@Diana, you are supposed to take MY side on this one, traitor! ;-)

October 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMr Lady

You. Are. A. Bitch.

Good thing your food and sleeping arrangements are completely at my mercy. MWAHAHAHAHA.

October 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMr Lady

My lunch is lurking at the back of my throat thanks to that second picture. Lovely . . .

October 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commentertysdaddy

Good lord. I've gone blind.

October 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTwoBusy

I don't see the problem here Mr.Lady. I am just trying to help.

Which part of the post did you not like? The picture revealing your chest hair or the picture where it looks like you are taking one up the arse?

I am just trying to help since I love you so...

October 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRedneck Mommy

yikes!!!
Wax. And linen strips. STAT!

October 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMary

Meh, razors cause stubble, laser treatments are pretty expensive, maybe just dye it blue.

October 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAngela

@Redneck Mommy, I don' know which look is worse, he guatemalan housekeeper or the desendant of The Huts.

Either way, you're going down. You have to sleep eventually......

October 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMr Lady

@BubbleGirl, Sounds like PCOS girl. Had that myself. Laser treatments are AWESOME! Oh, and being on the pill helps too.

October 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAngela

I WANNA SEE PHOTOS OF THE TWO OF YOU TOGETHER... hairy or not....

Cauze I just don't believe there are TWO people... you know like Clarke Kent AND Superman...

I WANNA SEE THE PROOF... hey what about BEFORE shots (all hairy and horrible) and AFTER (all hair-less and georgeous)... ! ! ! ! !

October 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterPooba~

P H O T O S... and lots of 'em ! ! !

October 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterPooba~

@Angela, That's what the doctor said too, but we did all the necessary tests, and it wasn't. It's been that way since I was 8... It's just one of those stupid genetic things, all the females on my dad's side of the family have it.

October 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBubbleGirl

@Angela, I vote yes to blue!

October 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBubbleGirl

REDNECK MOMMY!!!!

I'm stunned, truly stunned that you would EVER listen to a husband over his wife.
No woman morphs into a dowdy housefrau, she is DRIVEN THERE by baby drool, husband neglect and a lack of a good vibrator.
Mr. Lady, I'm on your side. Make her sleep on the dog bed.

October 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer McKenzie

well, when you get back to vancouver, detour up north, because i am about to completely FREAK. THE FUCK. OUT.

i have a lovely zit on my neck. upon closer inspection, the zit is hiding behind A FRECKLE WITH A HAIR GROWING OUT OF IT.

FUCK!!

October 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterStone Fox

LMAO! You never cease to amaze me, Tanis!

October 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMiss Behavin

Good Gravey Girl! I think you need your own reality show!

Have some fun!

October 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDiana, The Doggy Mommy

If you guys shave each other "down there" can you please send me the pix? I'm big into MILFS. Too creepy?

October 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterOut-Numbered

And when you're done w/her...you'll head south (it's really not that far, seriously, you don't even have to make it as far as Seattle) to my house and help a sista out?

Preeeese?

October 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCarrie

Why do I feel the sudden need to go spend a lot of time with a hand mirror, razor and tweezers?

October 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterZoeyjane

I wish I'd had a friend like you when I was gettin' all hairy like. I had to resort to the *gulp* interwebs. Scary shit man, scary shit!

October 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMad Woman

This? Is one of my nightmares.

October 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterVirginia

Who knew that turning into a Yeti was the way to get you to visit.

(Noted)

:)

October 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLoralee

@Carrie, dude! Carrie, I'm in Snohomish... Tanis, you can help TWICE as many people when you come down! Plus, I have big hairy drooly dogs and plenty of poop for you, so you'll feel RIGHT AT HOME!

can't wait to see you!

xo

b.

;-)

October 25, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjust beth

Honey, my legs are hairier than my own husbands. Does that mean I can get you down to Philly?

You guys haven't seen hairy until you've seen an Italian woman, naked.

October 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKelly

@just beth, I'm in LAKE STEVENS!!!!! That is weird! Yes - a trip to us would be def worth your while Tanis! ;)

October 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCarrie

My eyes hurt!

October 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterThe Urban Cowboy

Lol, you can come down to Calgary next :)

I'm all good (thank god for small miracles) but I definitely have a friend who needs a little pretty'ing up...make that alot!

October 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLoural

If you go to Calgary (Loural's friend) for some pretty'ing up I am only an hour away and I could use all the help I can get! LOL!!

October 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJamie

EVERYONE needs a bff like you!! I would be yours forever if you had the honesty to help me out when I had completely fallen off the hot mamma train! Funny lady!!
T

October 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTracy

Hey I just saw you on CBC. You were fantastic!

October 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMeghan

That picture scares me. Tweezers, razors and hot wax can be a girl's best friends.

October 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKim @ Beautiful Wreck

Didn't I see this lovely lady on -People of wal-mart.com?
Or should it be subtitled " When Hairy met Sally"?

October 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterklaatu

Redneck Mommy,
You have been given the One Lovely Blog Award. Visit my blog to receive your award:)
http://ma21cuteboy.blogspot.com/
Congrats!!

October 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterChacoy

I snorted my vodka and tonic right up my nose as I choked with laughter reading this. I must follow your redneck self. Come visit me too!

October 31, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterlisa

Great shit... I am glad I have found you. I am waiting for someone to knock on my door!

October 31, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCoachdad

Holy Shit!! Is that chest hair on that lady???

November 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

Uh Oh, you aren't back yet and I need my fix of reality and hilarity!!!
Did she get the best of you?

November 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKara

LOl great pic! I swear though if you even let the plucking go for more then two days it a dang forest!

November 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJodee

Her chest may be hairy, and her boobs may look like pancakes, but dang check out those nails! Obviously, this woman cares about her appearance.
;)

November 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

Stumbled upon you via Shauna Glenn. I can so relate to this post. I turned 40 this year and it BLOWS. Wrinkles AND zits? Thanks, 40! Thin hair on the head AND thick peach fuzz all over the face? Thanks, 40! And I am really pissed about that one black chin hair that I now sport regularly--I look like a Disney Witch!

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTheKitchenWitch

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