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Monday
Nov162009

Itchy Trigger Finger

This weekend, after watching a some lame arse television program (note to self: destroy all televisions within our home) my son asked me what the "little blue pill" was for.

After staring at him with my mouth gaping wide open (a look that gets his father all hot and bothered) I tried telling him it was just a Flinstones vitamin. Apparently I'm either not as good at parental misdirection as I once was or my children are growing smarter than I am since he just looked at me, blinked and reminded me that children's vitamins don't come in blue, they come in PURPLE.

He should know since he once polished off an entire bottle in a week thinking they were candies. I've since bought a locking medicine cabinet to keep my little druggies safe from over dosing.

Since my little pill pusher called me on my bluff, I had to make an emergency parental decision. I could do what his father would want me to do (look him in the eye and ask if his bedroom was clean and thereby avoid the discussion entirely) or I could treat my boy like the adult he so desired.

Guess which road I chose?

"Well Frac, there is a myriad of prescription medicine that comes in blue form-"

"I know that Mom, I mean VIAGRA. Those little blue pills. What's Viagra for?" my sweet boy interrupted me to cut to the chase.

"Oh. THOSE little blue pills. Well, um," (I find it helpful to pause and stammer a lot when put on the spot while explaining uncomfortable subject matter), "you see, some men have to take Viagra when, ah, um. You know how when a man and a woman, um... Let's just say Viagra increases blood flow to help a man reach um, gratification."

How's that for clarity?

I looked at Frac and Frac looked at me. I had the "Please go ask your Father look" pasted on my face and he had the "I can't decide if you are full of shit or not" look pasted on his.

Then a tiny little lightbulb went off above my son's head and the entire room was illuminated by a dazzling display of comprehension.

"OH! You mean it's medication so a man's penis can get hard and stand erect," he proudly stated in a moment of elucidation.

(Who says public schools don't teach kids anything?)

viagra_toon

For a moment I was torn between relief for not having to refine my pathetic definition any more graphically and annoyed at having my twelve year old baby son understand that some males little soldiers didn't like to stand at attention in a moment of sexual combat.

The moment quickly passed and I chose to go with relief, hoping the subject matter was now closed since my son had his answer. Frac, however, had other ideas.

"I know all about erections, Mom," he waggled his little eyebrows at me.

It was right then I chose to jump off the couch and run screaming into the forest of trees behind my house to live with the wildlife who couldn't speak about such private sexual matters with me.

Or at least, that's what I did in my head. The reality was I sat there shell shocked with my mouth hanging wide open. (His father really missed several moments of opportunity this weekend.)

"Uh huh," I mumbled, reaching for my water while wishing I was drinking whiskey straight from the bottle. Anything to numb the horror my life had swiftly become.

Note to husband: You can come home ANYTIME now dude.

"Just what do you know about erections kiddo?" I challenged him, hoping to embarrass him into silence.

"Do I really have to explain this to you Mom?" he challenged right back.

tom_and_jerry

There it was. I slapped him in the face with the white glove and he picked the weapon for the duel. It was high noon on Main Street and we stood at opposite ends of a dusty road with our hands on our hip, waiting to see who could out draw the other. He had youth and speed on his side; I was the grisled veteran with more notches on my holster than a man could count.

The stakes were high and tension ran through the crowd. (The crowd being my dogs who snored softly on my lap. Oh hush. This is my story, let me tell it how I want.)

It was a staring match to see who would be the first to blink.

I blinked.

"Nope. Nu-uh. You win. I don't want to know. Never mind. I can't hear you. Lalalala. Is your room clean? I really think you need to go clean your room kiddo," I begged him. The thought of learning anything about my young son I couldn't unlearn was too much and I balked. Clucked like a yellow bellied chicken I did.

Frac snickered and muttered something about me being a big delusional mommy and then toddled off towards his room.

Just when I thought I was safe from this discussion, he turned around and asked, "Hey Mom, do we have any ink in the printer?"

"Um, I think so, why?" I stupidly asked.

"I was thinking of printing off some pictures of pretty girls to hang on my bedroom walls."

"That's it Frac! I'm taking the door off your bedroom! No privacy! No pretty girls! No viagra!!"

Frac laughed all the way to his bedroom while I rocked back and forth on the couch and sucked my thumb.

I used to think parenting was hard. Like an uneducated rube, I never understood the definition of hard. (Ack! Sexual pun not intended.) How I'd trade parenting teens wrapped in a layer of hormone laced puberty and curiosity for the simple challenge of trying to get a toddler to pee in the potty.

As my son thought of new and creative ways to destroy my sanity slowly and painfully in his bedroom, I sat on my couch and mentally reminisced about the good old days of parenting, when my children couldn't talk.

Just as my blood pressure was starting to return to normal and my brain was hard at work mentally suppressing the evening's disturbing turn of events, my daughter, Fric, emerged from her bedroom and wandered into the living room.

"Hey Mom, at what age did you start growing pubic hair?"

She never got her answer. It's hard to talk when I one is reduced to a blubbering incoherent mess who locked myself herself in my her bathroom and pretended I she was invisible.

I don't know what I did to piss off the Universe, but I'd like to take this moment to sincerely apologize.
« Hope Floats With a Good Boob Grab | Main | Laminated »

Reader Comments (60)

Ha! My son and I had a sorta similar discussion the day I found the Rolling Stone magazine with a scantily-clad Fergie on the cover under his mattress. So. NOT. Ready . . .

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered Commentertysdaddy

You did tell her that it doesn't grow but she has to glue it there after shaving her brother's head, right?

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAvitable

You win. Brilliant. My 3 year old looked at me the other day and said, "My vagina hurts." and I said, "Your vagina?" And she responded by pointing to aforementioned body part saying, "Is this my vagina?" To which I nodded. "Oh, never mind, I thought this was my vagina," she said as she clapped her hand in her armpit and made it fart. Farting armpit vaginas. Super.

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda

Oh.
My.
GAWD.
I have three boys, I am terrified of the day that the words erection or pubic hair are said in my house.

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJenni

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Tanis Miller, Amanda Magee. Amanda Magee said: The questions get harder. Harder, bwahahaha. RT @Oh hai! Somethings shouldn't be discussed publicly. New post: http://bit.ly/2Tm381 [...]

Hey, my girl is already asking how the "special seed" got into mummy's tummy. She's four.

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterOutolokowski

ROLFLMAO! I so feel your pain! this morning my 9yo son asked "mommy what is sperm?" my ears are still ringing from my head exploding! bring back the days of diapers and teeething plz god! :-)

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterandrea bent

Fortunately for me, I have two boys, the oldest of which is 8. The questions haven't started yet, but I am already practicing my standard response for when they do. "Go ask your father, he owns the equipment, not me." And believe me, I have already thoroughly thanked fate for sending me two boys so I can get away with that response.

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterchasity

At least you didn't make fun of her for the pubic hair...not to say that happened to me or anything.

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterA Vapid Blonde

All of your troubles can be explained in this little Freudian slip..."and then toddled off towards his room."

Yeah, honey, he stopped toddling the second he discovered baby oil and Britney Spears posters. Sorry to bear this terrible news.

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMr Lady

I see locked doors and hours of bathroom time in your boy's very near future. Sorry, babe. I'll be in your place in about 6 years or so. Le sigh.

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGrumble Girl

Social comments and analytics for this post...

This post was mentioned on Twitter by redneckmommy: Oh hai! Somethings should never be discussed publicly. Which is why I blog them. New post: http://bit.ly/2Tm381...

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenteruberVU - social comments

Yep...been there, really really hate those discussions. I've told them they can ask me whatever questions they like, and I'll answer them, as long as it NEVER happens in public. And I never find out what happens when he's private. Some things, I really really never want to know.

I also have a large bottle of scotch hidden for after just such occasions.

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAurelia

Ah yes. Here's my moment. I'm sitting on the toilet and my teenage daughter wanders in (because that's always the way private bathroom moments work). She sits down and starts chatting and I notice a string bracelet, a friendship bracelet on her ankle. I hadn't noticed it before although it was obviously ragged. I asked her about it. Her response was "What? It's a friendship bracelet. What'd you think it was? One of those string bracelets that mean I've done something? What do you think, Mom, that I've given some guy a blow job or something?"

And I just sat there staring at this alien in my bathroom and trying to comprehend that my daughter, MY DAUGHTER, just said the words "blow job" to my face. 14 years old. I think I was able to start breathing again, but I don't recall if I said anything in response because first of all, what do you say and second of all, I'm pretty sure my brain is trying to repress that memory.

Gak. Yeah, give me "why is the sky blue" any old day and I'm fine.

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKristin

My ex-husband will forever be scarred:

My oldest was just getting out of the tub. She was about 8, and not yet feeling the need to "COVER!" when we saw her nakey. After a moment, my husband whispered in my ear, "She has a feather stuck in her..." I said, "Honey, that isn't a feather..." Since that time, my daughter had to be fully dressed when dad was around. Ha!

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDevon

I was glad I had girls until I read the whole pubic hair part. damnit!

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermel

GAHHHHHHH lalalalala my sons will NEVER know what Viagra is for. The homeschooling starts tomorrow!

Eh, nevermind. You survived the Viagra convo. *I* would *not* survive homeschooling my three little monkeys.

Did I ever tell you about the discussion I had with my ex about the importance of box springs in boys' bedrooms? If not then um, if you happen to find a zip-loc bag stuffed between Frac's mattress and box spring do NOT pull it out!

My kids do not have box springs, because they sleep on bunkbeds and because I think ahead.

*snicker*

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMFA Mama

Oh dear oh dear...I will stop my bitching about diapers right this ver minute!! Although I DO have a 12 yo girl who is getting a little curious....oh Lord! And just when she's done with her questions, the toddlers will be ready! Shit!!

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterezmomm

Three words are the cure to your ails, yon redneck.

Really. Good. Whiskey.

Might want to throw in some earplugs and blindfolds...just in case.

You can sober up when they get older and decide they no longer want to talk to you.

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNyx

And then a few years later they ask what was your favourite brand of condom. I find that as soon as you call their bluff and talk frank back to them it takes the power away from their "lets see if we can shock mama" game.

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterhabanerogal

I am with you 100% I HATE these "teen" conversations and questions... HATE it!!!

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJamie

Ouch!! That kinda hurt.

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterThe Urban Cowboy

I DO NOT look forward to the days when these topics come up with my boys.

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJenera

Six year old son wakes up crying, can't get back to sleep because, "Mummy, my willy's all hard and it's not SUPPOSED to be like that... it's supposed to be all soft. Like a cheese string."

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMrs F with 4

tanis- the magoo is already obsessed with his junk at 18 months. he gets a kick out of escaping a diaper change and running around holding on to his mini-man. (((find a happy place...)))

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered Commenternic @mybottlesup

I read about http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=CNG.eeb6c45b6dc19e6ad8bc41f6ac1c9022.181&show_article=1" rel="nofollow">this dessert made with Viagra shortly after reading about the Frac trauma and thought of you.

When he gets a little older you can torture him with the story of how you and Boo use His and Hers self-warming lube—that ought to keep him from being so open. Worked for me when mom shared that bit of unsolicited info. So did not need that picture of my folks!

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterWayward

I am dying! And remembering when my son was that age. Girl: "Why is he in the bathroom so long? He's taking a long shower mom." Me: "Never mind!! Just leave him alone!!" And then I ran in my room and shut the door.

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSue

HAHA! It starts early. Being a single mom with twins since they were 2 (now they're 4) does not leave much privacy. But I really didn't think much of it until my 3 yo girl handed me a tampon as I sat on the toilet and asked me if I needed private time. Where in the H did she get that? Then of course there was the day she got out of the tub and announced that her boobies were getting bigger. At 4? What does she know about boobs?

But he brings it as well... Hands down his pants, I ask, do you need to go to the bathroom? No he retorts. While are you playing with your penis? I ask. "Because I can" Spoken like a true man at the age of 3. It wasn't until I caught them playing the ever popular game of dr. Mom... are you sure she doesn't have a penis in there?

OMG! Time for separate baths!

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmy Halleran

Snort, Chortle, Guffaw!

Oh, I so feel your pain. The 14 year old boy child with raging hormones and new found awareness of sexual innuendos, terms and constant girl thoughts is driving me crazy.

I so miss the days when he couldn't talk.

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCatootes

Ahhhh!! Ahhhh!!! AHHHH!!!! That last comment by Sue has emotionally damaged me. I'm reading through all the comments, going, hmmm, I don't think my brother went through that phase. Except that EVERY night he would have an hour long shower. Ew, ew, ew!!!! Thanks A LOT, Sue. ;)

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLynn (Walking With Scissors)

My son'll be four in December, and this weekend he wandered into my room, climbed up on the bed where I was sitting and ever so gently reached over and squeezed the hell out of my right boob.

"HONEY!" I said, "What are you doing?"

"I am just very sad, Mommy," he said, "that girls get to have boobs and I just have nipples. So I grabbed yours to see how they felt."

"Well, honey, they're private parts, like your weiner or butt, and if you ever find yourself in a situation where they need to be touched, you need to ask (?) before touching them." (I mean, he will be dating one day, I don't wanna scare him off them forever ...)

"Okay. When I get to school tomorrow, I will ask Miss Laurent to squeeze her boobs," he said and walked out of the room.

I'm betting I get a phone call from preschool today.

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLona

This is why I don't do bath time anymore with my girls. This weekend, while on the computer, I overheard my wife and 7 year old talking about vaginal hygiene. My wife was explaining to her that if she doesn't clean her Fu-Shnay-Nay correctly, people will be able to smell her. This is where my wife earns her keep. Good luck with the boner thing... You're fast approaching the age of 40 minute showers... My MOM used to think I was drowning in there. And you have pubic hair? Right.

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterOut-Numbered

I can SO relate. My oldest son was on our computer (in my bedroom) with the door closed. I made my presence known very loudly, and he got off the computer right quick. After he left, (to save us both the embarrassment) I checked to see what he was searching for on Google. "Totally naked girls." "Vaginas". "Vanessa Hudgens naked." Etc.

I didn't confront him, but rather had his father mention in casual conversation that parents can see what kids search for on the internet. It worked. ;-)

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSuzy Voices

thanks for the memories...this reminds me of the good old days with the Sears Roebuck catalog when i could be turned on by a picture of a woman in a girdle or even a nursing bra.

your boy is becoming a man...congratulations

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered Commentertony

Someday, he'll hop in the shower without you having to ask(or as the case was with my boys, threaten them within an inch of their lives). He'll stay there for 1/2 an hour....on that day, your son will become the masturbating machine that all teenage boys aspire to.

Good luck with that!! (I can tease you about this because I know how horrible it is to watch our babies grow up)

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDual Mom

I loved this post. How funny this must have been. (snort snicker) I dread those frank discussions with my kids. They are 6 and 4 and I have a feeling it is coming sooner than I think it is.

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterObnoxious SAHM

Just wait until Fric asks if you can change the shower head to one with multiple settings... Or one with a long hose... (excuse will be for rinsing out hair dye)

Have Fun!

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBubbleGirl

Y'all wait 'til they're teens to have these conversations? Slackers. :)

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBlue

God Bless ya punkin' and thanks for that glimpse into my future. I'm going to start thumb sucking now. thankyouverramuch

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterrachel-asouthernfairytale

HaHa looks like you got the raw end of the deal... My sister and I love to embarrass her 14 year old sun with sexual conversations and poor you are stuck with teens that want to mortify you in the same way!

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKelly

At least she didn't ask how old you were when you started to dye your pubes blue! ROTFLMAO!!!

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersashalyn

Okay well first, it's good that your son feels comfortable talking to you about that. And second... Noooooooo! Please universe let me never have to endure this conversation with either of my sons. It's too much. Really.

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLady Mama

hey tanis, i found your blog today and read back a many pages. terrific! i like personality blogs much better than straight craft-or-whatnot blogs. and one with language, even better.
i thought i'd inform you that i just added you to my blogroll. have a swell week, with less intimate conversations with your kids. :-D although, it's very entertaining to read.

November 17, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterchristine

I actually don't think I will have a problem with these kinds of talks when my triplets become of age. Being a gay mommy, it kinda goes along with the territory. What I am NOT looking forward to is BLUE and SWOOSH playing with their no-nos in public while still too young to understand why they shouldn't. How to handle that? When they do it at home in the bathtub or during diaper changes, I just laugh because lets face it 20 month olds discovering that habit is just funny. :)

November 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSindy

@Mr Lady, to correct, and further horrify BOTH of you, your sons are digging on Megan Fox and your lotion. Maybe. Otherwise? The socks you wash. Heh. You just thought they sweated a lot.

I'm sorry, I'd like to feel mutually horrified, but I can't stop laughing in a "I only have one and she's a girl and I'm giving her the talk next year" kind of a way.

November 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterZoeyjane

God, I used up so much printer ink when I was a teenager. My parents wondered how it got used up so fast. If they only found my stash...

November 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBadass Geek

My husband and I were recently watching a movie that is very family friendly.

Unfortunately, the morons who scheduled advertisement didn't comprehend that and we were treated to a commercial for a...er...pump. Of an intimate and masculine variety.

I'm just glad our son is very small and his understanding of the world very naive. He took a look at that pump and said, "Dat man's bike's bwoken."

November 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMary

Maybe they ganged up on you just to see you squirm.

My 7 yr old has read the Dr. Ruth book for kids. His dad would still be feeding him the stork story if it were up to him. I decided I was going to answer any and all questions. I'm sweating the drug & alcohol questions more.

November 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGrandeMocha

I'm just surprised that they used official terminology like "penis" and "pubic hair" -- I would have thought they'd have learned some of your more interesting terminology. "Love stick" or "bush mound" or something, you know?

But what do I know, I'm currently making fun of my husband's vasectomy by suggesting he whack off over Legos. Goodness knows what my kids will have in store for me when the time comes. Karma, she's a-comin'.

(BTW: all things aside... your kids rock and it's scary, yet incredible that they even can talk with you at all about any of it.)

November 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCold Spaghetti

My husband took the kids to the pharmacy with him the other day and they asked what condoms were (well they asked about a specific brand they saw). Since I had just told him I wanted us to be open with them about those topics he went ahead and told them. Nevermind that I meant when they were teenagers, they're 7 and 9! Men. Oh well, I guess it has to start sometime.

November 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterChristina

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