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Friday
Nov132009

Laminated

Like many happily married long time couples, my husband and I have found ourselves in bed, not having sex with each other yet happily discussing other people we'd like to have sex with if we were good looking, rich and or famous.

That's right. Why get hot and sweaty with each other when we can dream about our Laminated List. You know, the ones we'd give each other a free pass to see us naked if they didn't call the police on us first.

My husband has no problem with this game. In fact, his laminated list tends to grow in direct proportion to the increasing size of my arse. Fickle bastard.

My List is pretty static. The same couple of guys have been on there since it's inception and I haven't felt the need to add or change the names over the years. What can I say? I'm a dedicated stalker.

In case you are wondering, Boo's list includes, but is not limited to: Alyssa Milano, Geena Davis, Salma Hayek, Demi Moore, Jamie Lee Curtis and Miss Hammer Thumbs Herself, Megan Fox.

(The man is an oddity. What can I say?)

6a00d8341c5d9653ef011570ace11c970b-320wi

(I mean really, what is attractive about this?)



megan_fox_rollingstone_outtakes_5thumb

(Or this?)



Photo 65

(When he has THIS waiting for him at home.)



(Never mind.)

I've written about my list before, but it bears repeating. John Wayne baby.

(Don't judge me.)

Where am I going with this?

Oh right. (It's hard to think clearly with Salma's rack staring me in the face.)

Then my friend, Jason Mayo, wrote a post about his own version of the Laminated List game.

Except in his twisted world, there are rules and debating and choices.  He calls it Friday Fun. I call it work. And it's a well documented fact that the only work this gal likes to do involves getting on ones knees and barking like a dog when a certain husband is home. Ahem.

A conversation ensued shortly after reading his post and quickly degenerated into a "I think you should write the F, Marry, or Kill Blogger post," he taunted me behind his computer screen some 3000 miles away.

The dude is a total pussy.

What Jason neglected to take into consideration when he clucked like a chicken shit issued his dare, is that I'm a middle child. I have a big brother. One who routinely sat on my face and released enough gas to float the Balloon Boy's latest hoax.

I never back down from a dare. Years of sibling torture have honed and cultivated this unique character flaw.

(Thanks Stretch. Mom and Dad are so proud.)

Without any further ado, because I have balls, unlike my feathered friend Jason, I present to you, my own version of F, M or K, Blogger Style.

Which, mercifully, is easier than a Laminated List of Bloggers.  That's a post for another day.

Who I'd EFF:

DSC02732_2

Catherine, over at Her Bad Mother, wins that honor. Really, it's not so much of an honour. I'd pretty much put anyone on this list if they let me get drunk and fondle them publicly while others take pictures.

I'm kinda whorey that way.

Who I'd MARRY:

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I know, I know, Neil Kramer? Hear me out. The dude has mad writing props, routinely wears a tiara and prances around New York while moaning about how Twitter is the downfall of modern society. Think of the writing fodder he'd provide me with for life. I'd never run out of things to mock him for and post about on my blog.

Plus, I'd never have to worry about sleeping with him because he'd have annoyed me so badly he'd always be sleeping on the couch. All this plus the tax privileges of holy matrimony.

It's a win-win.

Who I'd KILL:

This one was significantly harder because well, the choices are limitless I could never wish harm on another person. I'm like Ghandi. With boobs.

In the end, it came down to who had the most embarrassing picture I could find on the internet life I covet the most.

6a00d8341c56ea53ef0120a6220c64970b-320wi

Sorry Evans, you win this round. Not only do you live in the land of Sunshine, beaches and no snow, but you have a hot wife to fold your underwear, a successful blog, AND a book, but you look better in the Mominatrix shirt than I do.

For that, I have to kill you. But trust me, it hurts me more than it could ever hurt you.

And that dear Jason, is how you alienate friends and readers in one fell swoop it is done.
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Reader Comments (38)

Awesome. So you'd fuck me, but since you'd fuck anybody, that's like, 'oh, HER. MIGHT AS WELL FUCK HER.'

I'd still take it, though. Because it's you, and because you'd shoot a moose for me afterward.

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHer Bad Mother

Great list. I wonder how man blogger eff lists you'd be on.

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterWM

I love a lady who aint afraid to put it out there. And any do you!

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKeyona

Your reasoning for marrying Neil is the funniest thing I've read all day.

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterIssa

This is Neil's punishment I presume. Smart move getting rid of Danny he is a pretty big threat. Surprised a certain hot backpacker didn't make the list in some form or fashion

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterhabanerogal

Ha ha ha...yup we had the laminated list chat years ago...pity Angelina Jolie was on both lists...He LOOOOOOVED that.

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAlex

Totally lost concentration after the second photo. Can you say it again?

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSingleParentDad

WOW. I'm super horny right now and for some reason, I'm craving Swedish meatballs. I am impressed and surprised by your stupidity, uh, I mean courage. I like that you killed Evans for me. Takes it off my list of things to do. :-) He does look MILFY in that T-Shirt though...

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterOut-Numbered

Hahahaha. Megan Fox is only hot if she's not talking. Stupid cow.

As for the bloggers? Hmmmm. I totally get the Her Bad Mother thing. The other two categories? I have a few I might have slotted in there, but yours are pretty good choices :)

Great post!

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMad Woman

Social comments and analytics for this post...

This post was mentioned on Twitter by redneckmommy: New post at my place: Where I name the bloggers who I'd like to eff, kill or marry. http://bit.ly/KswbU (Never dare me @OutNumberedisMe)...

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenteruberVU - social comments

We play a similar game here at my house but instead of a Laminated List we have "Who would be on your fantasy island" and if you asked me last year who'd be on my island, the LAST thing I would have said was "a bunch of mom bloggers" but today, well that's the ONLY answer I could give. Roll over Benicio del Toro, Redneck Mommy et al are moving in.

~RM2

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRenegade Mom 2

Pfft. This would be much better if we provided three bloggers and you had to choose. Even the FMK post you referenced had easy choices! Unlike my post that I wrote just like that two weeks earlier: http://www.avitable.com/2009/10/31/marry-fuck-or-kill/

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAvitable

Damn that pic is hot. Off to add Salma to my list.

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmie aka MammaLoves

I just snorted my uvula through my nose reading about Neil.

Heh.

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLoralee

@Avitable, Dude. Reagan? You are going to Hell. I prefer to think of Hot chicks rather than wrinkled old men that smell like jellybeans... Wish I would have seen your take earlier. I would have put on a bigger set of balls. Nicely played.

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterOut-Numbered

Ha, your man has good taste. Clearly. Meghan Fox needs to come with a stipulation that she cannot talk. She's pretty stupid and besides, who gives a crap what she has to say if you got her naked and willing...right?

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHockeymandad

This was the most fun I have had all day! I am now sure that my husband wants to F my best friend, but other than that - what a great laugh!

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Call Me Crazy

Sorry, but I already called dibs on Neil. Hands off. ;p

Please wear your glasses when you go on TV next time. I like the brainy looking chicks.

:) (this is the first time ever I have put a smilie face on a blog comment!) That is special.

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNeil

Umm. Jamie Lee Curtis? Really?

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterslouchy

Awesome - and good choices!

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkateanon

glad to see i'm not the only one who does that....

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNyx

Plus, you could probably take Danny, so good choice there.

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkittenpie

These are awesome photos! The fact that I've met each and every one of the peeps in these pics (including you) says a lot about me...like why wasn't I included on this list? I'd totally marry you, if it were legal...but only if I could sleep with other people.

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterhipm0m77

made me smile

November 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJoy

That picture of Danny haunts my dreams. In a decidedly bad way.

November 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBadass Geek

Um, being the one in the picture humping Neil like a cheap Peruvian donkey, does that mean I get to be a part of a Citize/Redneck Threesome??

November 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnissa@Freeanissa

If that pic of Danny doesn't sell my book, then I don't know what will.

Oh wait. Hm.

November 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMominatrix

I'm so very boring, I never understand these lists.

November 14, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkyooty

The fourth pic did it for me. Nothing like two brainy, eyeglass-wearing drunk chicks making out.

November 15, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjacob

Fantastic list lol! I love the picture of you and Catherine! :)

November 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSarcastica

Good god woman. How about we get Neil and Danny to eff on film and Catherine writes about it? I'd go for that.

November 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDeb on the Rocks

Oh Boo, Geena Davis? REALLY? I just don't get that one.

November 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAssertagirl

I am such a prude, I thought my post had been racy. Turns out, no, it was just lame. Bravo once again.

November 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda

All I can see is that giant vein that seems to be running down Salma's forehead. I do not notice her incredibly large breasts at all. I believe them to be just a rumor.

My profile is quite attractive, btw. Talk about giant rumors! You may wish to reconsider your choices.

;)

LOVE your blog, seriously hilarious lol

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda

Killing me won't take away my sexy.

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDad Gone Mad

Funny on who'll you're marry! You have a very entertaining list!

November 19, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterbingo woman

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