My Gift to The Google Pervs


There has been a lot of boob talk on my blog lately what with my predilection for running around topless and flashing the goods at who ever dares cross my path and my not so latent need to share with the world my public shame.

The google pervs love me.

Funny, it wasn't so long ago when I was known as the mom with the dead kid or as the one who always talks about her great love affair with battery operated love toys. Now I'm the chick who can't keep her knockers contained behind the fabric wall of her cheap tee shirts.

Look at me, setting the bar of personal achievement low enough that a baby can crawl over it. All that fancy education and thousands of dollars of student loans put to good use. My husband is soooo proud.


With all the talk of boob flashing, naked swimming and nipple rings, I really ought to change the name of this blog to Titty Talk with Tanis: the boob's blog.

I'd like to tell you that I really don't let the girls hang out as much as I say I do, but my husband would just jump up and down in my comments section and label me a liar. However, like all good things, the boobery around here is coming to an end with the brisk fall temperatures. The free reign of nipples is over.

It's getting too darned cold to let the balloons hang loose.

Let's have a moment of silence for the girls, shall we?

However, just because I'm no longer able to show the girls off to the my school bus driver or the odd police officer who wanders my way or the neigbour who has now learned to drive past my front yard very slowly in hopes of brilliant displays of blindingly white flesh, doesn't mean that I can't talk about my boobs.

I try to contain it to *my* boobs only, because really, me talking about another woman's boobs is just kinda creepy. Bad enough that I wrote a public ode to another woman's cooter.

(Stay with me people, I'm working through some serious writer's block. Boob talk is the only thing I've got going for me right now.)

My boobs and my fondness for flashing them has not only scarred my children during their formative years (not to mention all those poor kids on the bus who saw the right one winking at them last week) but has increased the amount of email received in my inbox.

Mostly from my husband yelling at me to cover up but also from some oddly devoted, highly sophisticated male readers who think me and my boobs rock.

Since I believe in, and support this community we are building in the interweb, our blogosphere, I've decided to share with you some of my favorite and most recent fan mail. Nothing like emptying the fan mail bag to try and overcome blogging blahs.

(Note: The following is why I don't tell y'all where I live because I'm scared one of these fans might want a private peep show.)

First up is mebaby769 who writes, "Your pretty hot mom. I Love MILF's Can you send me some sexy picture of you?"

I'm am a hot mom. Mainly because I like to keep the furnace jacked up high and pretend I live in a tropical country. I'm a hot mom with children who have better grammar than you do, so I'm going to have to pass on your plea. But please feel free to keep on reading and flooding my inbox with your pervie request.

Next is Cliffy from my home town. Cool. Maybe I went to school with Cliffy. Cliffy writes, "you asre f*ck'in slut and your kids are f*ck'in ugly".

Hmmm, must have been that kid on the bus who flashed me his willy expecting me to get all hot and bothered for him. I laughed. Poor Cliffy. That wasn't the reaction he had hoped for.

I'm still laughing at you Cliffy. Because not only do you have a small, pus infected willy but you obviously spent too much time tugging on your snakeskin to go to English class.

Moving on to Jim who must be nothing but sweetness and love since his email addy is urlovetoy. Good ole Jim sent me this pleasant letter: "tanis, i saw you on television tonight and i jsut wanted to let you know how f*cking hot you are. i know i could rock your world. you look like a dirty whor. my kinda girl.especially with those titty rings you got. do me a favor and send me a picture of them. or any other part you want.i know u want to. it's why a slut like you goes on tellevision.your BIGGEST fan. and i mean my cock size."

Aw Jimmy, there are just no words. No nice ones, anyways. But thanks for pulling yourself away from the television set and away from all those free porn sites on the internet to write me this ditty. My heart just explodes with gratitude. It's good to have fans just like you.

I'd like to tell you what HOT ROD had to say but even for my seasoned ears, I blush. But he did promise to make me famous. I wonder if he means famous like Dooce or famous like Paris Hilton?

JRAM36, also known as Jon would like to know if I'm going to have a live nude cam any time soon. Maybe he should get together with Hot Rod and see what the two of them can put together.

Big E was very lovely. He writes, "hey interesting site you have then i checked out twitter and saw your taking boob requests well i'd love to see your boobs thanks."

This is what happens when one flirts publicly with FADKOG and Loralee while watching television and twittering. Oops. Bad Tanis.

Cliffy, my repeat offender, er, I mean my number one fan decided to write me another love letter. "you are f*ck'in slut"

Aw Cliffy. Don't be that way. I'm sure someone out there will love you and your pussnuts. It's nothing personal. I just like my men to be disease free and educated.

And finally I bring you one of America's finest, Capt. Jeff. "your blogg is a riot...!!!it's now on my favorites... btw, do you have any sisters with a libido like yours???"

Jeff, I do have a sister. A sister I love very much. And she's single too, so please know I will surely pass on your email addy and your request to meet her so she can deal with the freak show I am sure you are.

Because that is what caring sisters do. Spread the joy trolls.

I know, I know. You are all so damn jealous that your inbox isn't flooded with love letters from porn-starved perverts everywhere. It takes a special talent to touch the hearts of so many desperate men.

But since I've tantalized tormented so many of you with the mental image of my beaver tails flapping loose in the wind, I've decided to end the mystery of what my naked chest looks like and share the goods.

Put an end to the boob requests once and for all.

(That means please stop asking me to email shots of my boobs, Shawn . Heh.)

Book mark this page for future reference, because after this the boob flashing is done. At least for the next six to eight months. Wink.

Behold. The beauty of thy breasticles:

Well, those almost look like mine. Not enough nipple hair to fully resemble my chesticles. Try these instead:

That's better.

Now if you squint real hard and use your imagination, you have a rather accurate mental image of what my melons look like.

Don't say I never did anything for you.

*And yes. Those are all real emails I received within the course of the last couple weeks.*