about Attack of the Redneck Mommy
Looking for something specific? SEARCH RNM.  
back to Tanis Miller

Dads and Daughters

I was 16 years old. I wore a padded bra because I was so damned flat chested I worried people would confuse me for a boy. I had one of those damn spiral perms and I looked like I was wearing triangle on my head.

In my eyes, I was freaking hot.

It was the summer and I was boyfriendless; (having already given Boo the ceremonial boot before school started,) I was on the prowl for a little romance.

Of course, romance then is a defined differently than romance now. I was more interested in french kissing and the occasional boob graze back then. Now, I'm more interested in someone folding the laundry for me and maybe taking out the garbage.

After a marathon telephone call with my girlfriend, we gathered our troops and made plans to all meet at the local hotspot downtown. A popular restaurant the older boys frequented. We'd doll ourselves up, drink virgin margaritas and hope to land a big fish.

I didn't drive yet, I was too scared to attempt to take the driver's test, so I hopped on a bus and tried to block out the image of the skeevy 40ish year old man with long stringy brown whiskers leering at me and my padded chest, as I made my way to my destination.

Dinner was uneventful. The restaurant was packed. With families. Not a teenaged boy in sight. Still, we had a good time, pretending to be sophisticated. One of my friends decided to come back to my place and I was thrilled to have company on the bus ride home.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Oh ya. I'm so sexay.

The bus was running late, so my friend and I sat on a bench gossiping the way 16 year old girls do, when two men rode by on the busy city street on their bicycles. One was blonde, the other dark and mysterious.

It was like a scene out of a low budget movie. The dark haired man took one look at me and then did a fast double take. He immediately called to his friend and suddenly they stopped pedaling their bikes and jumped the curb onto the sidewalk and out of traffic's way.

I looked at my friend, curious what this was about, why these men looked at us and stopped so suddenly. As they walked their bikes closer to us, I saw they weren't as old as I thought, they were teenage boys.

The night suddenly got a whole lot better.

The dark haired, muscular one was named Cam. He didn't stop staring at me the entire time we giggled and flirted and I felt on fire. Giddy with the power of being able to attract such a young studly dude.

Then, all too quickly, the bus arrived. I was crushed. Cam quickly scribbled my phone number on his fore arm and promised to call. Him and his friend madly pedaled after the bus, as my friend and I sat in the back seat watching them, until the bus pulled further and further away.

I never really believed he would call. He was 19. Too old to be interested in me. But it sure felt good to be a traffic stopper for one night in my life.

Except, he did call. And thus was the start of a torrid teen romance. Torrid as in a lot of french kissing and constant evasion of his grabby hands so he wouldn't discover my breasts were actually cotton padding.

My dad didn't like this boy. He was too big, too muscular and too old for me. He growled whenever Cam called or showed up at my house, hot and sweaty from his long bike ride to my house.

It didn't matter to me that he didn't have a car. Or that he worked in an electronics store instead of going to university or college. Or a loser by other people's standards. He was my summer romance, my heart and the fact he annoyed my father just added more excitement to push my teen age crush to higher levels.

One night, Cam and I sat on the front steps of my house, chatting under the stars and sneaking furtive kisses in when ever we could. My dad sat in the living room, glancing out the big bay window every few minutes in a fatherly bid to ensure my chastity, my virginity.

Fatherly delusions. Apparently he was worried I'd strip buck nekkid and hand over my well-guarded cherry on our front lawn in the middle of suburbia, with the first older boy who pedaled my way.

Apparently, I inherited my over-active imagination from my daddy.

It was 11:30 at night and my curfew was midnight. As every minute ticked past on the clock hanging above my father's head, he became more and more agitated.

I grew more and more enamored with my bicycle riding boyfriend.

At 11:35, my dad came to the front door and growled through the screen that it was time for me to come in.

I brushed him off, in that way snotty teenaged girls do, and told him I would be right in. I had no such plans on coming in. My curfew was midnight, and not a minute before.

Cam and I continued to talk and a few more minutes later, my dad increased his volume and bellowed at me to get "my skinny ass into the house, before he had to come out there and get me."

Rolling my eyes, I yelled back at Dad, "Mom said I could stay out till midnight." Like jeez dude, wtf? Back off, I'm getting my romantic rocks off out here and you are killing my mojo. Duh.

I was a cheeky little witch back then. Not at all like the docile, rule abiding woman I am now. Heh.

Several more minutes passed along with a few more stolen kisses, when the screen door banged open and my dad stood there in his robe, steaming pouring out his ears.

"If you don't get your ass in the house right this minute young lady, you are gonna regret it."

I looked at my dad with horror on my face. How dare he embarrass me in front of my boyfriend? How could he do this to me? Yet my survival instinct kicked in, and I knew I was in danger of getting my just desserts.

"Fine," I snottily replied. "I'm coming in. RIGHT now. Sheesh. I'm just saying goodnight." And then I turned my back to my dad and apologized to Cam for my dad's behaviour. As my dad stood and watched. Because I had a death wish, apparently.

Dad backed off, or so I thought, and in my hormone addled brain, I pushed. Dammit, I still had ten minutes before my curfew and he could just bite my skinny little arse if he thought I was going in a minute earlier, I thought to myself.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

So I snuck in another kiss. And another. And a few more minutes rolled by. And unbeknownst to me, my dad was slowly losing his mind over my disobedience and my cheekiness and the audacity of this man to ignore his wishes and leave.

Just as my tongue was in this kid's mouth and half way down his throat, my dad came thundering out of the house, ready to kill.

Cam, knowing full well when his life is in danger, jumped up from having me inspect his tonsils, and started running. For his life. Like a weeny.

Picture a dark haired teen, running down the empty side walk of a surburban city block with a 43 year old man hot on his tail screaming at him to "Get your ass back here so I can choke the life out of you, you little shit!"

Now picture the same scene knowing my dad was wearing nothing but a pair of dirty tighty-whiteys and barefoot to boot. While chasing a teenaged boy down the block.

I stood there, stupefied and beyond mortified, yelling at my dad to "Stop EMBARRASSING me, DADDY!" while tears streamed down my face.

I was horrified. And slightly terrified, because if I incited my dad's wrath enough for him to run down the sidewalk, barefoot and in his gonch, you can bet your ass there would be hell to pay when he got back and got his hands on me.

The seconds slowly ticked by until I could no longer see either man. The last image I had in my head before slowly making my way down to my bedroom to pray for leniency was Cam looking over his shoulder with fear on his face and my dad closing the gap between the two of them.

And there may have been a skid mark on the back of his underwear.

Fifteen long minutes later, my dad came back into the house and into my room, huffing and puffing. He was out of breath from his impromptu midnight run and pissed off that he couldn't catch the little bastard who was macking out on his daughter.

I wailed at Dad at how he ruined my life. He bellered back that that was good, since I was now grounded for the rest of it.

"He's never going to want to date me again," I cried after my dad when he left the room with out a sympathizing bone in his body.

"Not if he knows what's good for him," Dad growled back.

Apparently, Cam did know what was good for him. He managed to hop over some fences and hid like a pansy ass in the bushes of my neighbour's yard and waited two hours before he slunk back to my house and retrieved his bicycle. Or so I later heard from a friend of a friend.

I never heard back from him again. Ever.

My dad was quite proud of himself. I was not.

But boy did I learn to listen to my dad after that, and not push his buttons. Heh.

My dad will never chase after another boy again, in his life. Time and disease has taken a toll on his still young body and today he's in surgery having part of both feet removed.

In an effort to prolong his life.

I didn't appreciate all that my dad did for me, for our family when I was younger. I didn't see the blisters and sore muscles he rubbed every day as he worked his tail off to support our family.

I didn't appreciate all the times my dad growled at my boyfriends in an effort to preserve my chastity. And I certainly didn't appreciate him when I phoned him to tell him Boo and I were dating and I knew he was the one. The love of my life. The man I wanted to be with forever.

Dad grunted into the phone and simply said, "He's not good enough for you."

I didn't understand a lot back then. But as a grown up, a wife and now a mother, I get it. And I appreciate it.

Thank you Daddy, for all that you have done for me. For raising me to be the person I am today.

And thank you Dad, for running barefoot down the block in your skivvies, to chase away a boy you knew wasn't worth the time of my day.

I love you. Every inch of you. Even if there will be less of you tomorrow to love.
« Unicorns, Rainbows, And Tights, Oh My! | Main | When Nature Calls »

Reader Comments (100)

As I got older I realized that my dad was right about a lot more than I gave him credit for.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterwill betheboy

Awww, damn that was sweet. And I'm sorry about your dad having surgery, but I would bet that if he felt like he needed to he would chase someone down the street on his hands if it meant protecting you. :-)

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterpgoodness

Time and parenthood really gives you a lot of perspective. I wish I could thank my dad for all that he did for us! I was a really ungrateful, snotty little teenager. Thank your dad for me, too, will ya?

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDarcie

Yeah, I have this feeling that a few missing parts wouldn't stop a guy like that from chasing some hoodlum down the street. Nor would it stop the hoodlum from fearing for his life.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCarrie

Lots of positive thoughts heading north for you and your dad. My father is my Christopher Robin - the one that makes everything better and it kills me when he's hurting. I hope all goes well with the surgery.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMary Beth

Wow, you've had quite a week already.
My dad always says to me, "girl, you got every bad trait I have."
But what that means to me is that I am alot like my dad. So I'll take it, cause he is such a wonderful man even his bad parts are good.

What an awesome tribute to a man who showed his love at that tumultuous time the best way he knew how...I'll be thinking about you and your dad today.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAssertagirl

It's funny how when we get older we totally GET them. My dad never had to chase anyone down the street but that's because he was just scary intimidating to LOOK at. Now I wanna go hug my dad.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTootsie Farklepants

Oh T,

What a wonderful man.

My best wishes for his surgery.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMammaLoves

I was raised by a single mother. At one point in time, she openly threatened to, 'rip' someone's testicles off. Direct quote. I appreciate it now though. haha.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterShamelessly Sassy

I had no appreciation for my parents at that age. I do now. And, thanks to this post I'm going to call them and tell them I love them.

I'm also going to ask my Dad why he didn't chase away some of the losers I dated.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMomo Fali

Awww *sob*

Big positive thoughts for Dad's surgery.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKaren Sugarpants

because i never know the right thing to say...i send hugs. this was a beautiful post ;)

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterali

Oh, this is lovely. I feel the same way about my Dad. He also chased down a few losers, but literally and figuratively.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Flinger

Only you can take a laugh out loud post and turn it so sweet and tearjerking at the end. That is why I love your blog. You really are lucky to have a dad that cared that much for you, no matter how embarrassing it was.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTJ

I love you T. My thoughts are with you and your family!

Best wishes my friend!

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commentersam (temptingmama)


July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBackpacking Dad

I wish I could tell my dad the same thing... unfortunately, he won't listen to me... guys i wanted to date had to come have dinner at our house...

dad always grilled... chicken... and then he would ask my unsuspecting date if he would like a breast or a leg...

only one replied with thigh... dad liked him... which meant i no longer could...

i would love to know where that boy is now...

When I was 13 I got so furious when my father yelled at me for sitting on a boy's lap (there weren't enough chairs!!). I didn't get it then. Now that I have some perspective...I can't even imagine the terror that comes with having a teenage daughter in this day and age. God help me when I have kids.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJess

My father and I have a complicated relationship, but when he had heart surgery a couple of weeks ago I was a MESS.

I love you.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLoralee

I am rolling and crying all at once. Damn you woman. I adore you.
The one time I didn't listen to my dad about a guy, I came to sorely regret it. Never again. I told Nathan that it didn't matter how much I loved him, if Dad didn't like him... he was out of the picture.
Thank God Dad loved him!!!

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterrachel

I don't think any girl appreciates her father until much later than they should. My dad was diagnosed with skin cancer last week. I have a much greater appreciation than ever before.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterOverflowing Brain

{{wipes tears}}

Oh honey, I love ya.

Sending love.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAlli ~Mrs. Fussypants

Good luck and fast healing to your dad!

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKizz

I'm also laughing and crying. Wishing Dad a speedy recovery!

It's hard to see your parents dwindle away - be it physically or mentally - or both. It's hard and it's not fair.

Feeling angry for you and your father over here. Righteously so.

I'll be thinking of you both. Hope the surgery is successful.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commentercanape

God damn it, see, I'm all crying now. Let us know when he's out and that it went okay, okay?

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMr Lady

Sending the biggest hugs your way.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMarilyn

On my first date ever, Dad set up the tripod, took a picture to commemorate the event, and told my date "That's so I have something to show the police if you don't bring her home by midnight." I was home at 11:45 that night.

I'll keep your dad in my thoughts...

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMelody

Best wishes to your Dad, to you, and to all of your family.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRockyCat

Being a parent is a lot harder than we thought it looked, right?

Dang girl, can you paint a picture with words.

Praying for your dad today.

p.s. Not just a little jealous that Heather got to meet you last week and I didn't. No. I'm a WHOLE LOT jealous.....

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSoliloquy

This was both beautiful and hilarious. Hoping for positive outcomes post-surgery!

My dad was always my 'go to' dude. Always told me who would break my heart. Was always there to listen to me wail when they finally did. He was 49 when he had a severe stroke and was left to struggle to communicate, but even if he can't say the words, I know what he's thinking when I turn to him to listen.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterFADKOG

Thanks for the laughs, that was a beautiful & hilarious story about you & your Dad. Here's wishing your Dad a speedy recovery.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkoehmstedt

Sending love and all kinds of posive energy your way today.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTXPoppet

Holy Crap. I start out expecting some good ol' redneck teenaged debauchery, and end up here? HERE? If I can't count on you, T, for my soft-core erotica fix, who can I count on?!?

In all seriousness though, this was an amazing post. Probably my favourite of all the ones I've read of yours.

I'll have a good thought for your dad, and for you. I hope everything goes well.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSciFi Dad

Men like that run on stumps to protect the girls they treasure. I'm thinking good thoughts for him, and fingers crossed that his surgery is uneventful.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterThumper

Growing up, my dad and I had a tumultuous relationship that would be sweet one minute and sour the next. Now that I'm older I see it's because we're exactly the same, and I wouldn't have it any other way. (:

Sending some hugs, love and luck for your dad's surgery!

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterElizabeth

I could not stop laughing (and only partly because of the pleated jeans) and then I could not stop crying. That was a wonderful snapshot of life.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterapathetic bliss

Ack. Lump. Throat.

Beautifully done, perfectly told.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMiss Britt

Oh, I was laughing right up until I was almost crying. That was a wonderful post. Best hopes for your Dad tomorrow, and for you while you wait.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAstarte

My thoughts and prayers that your dad comes out of this stronger than before. You have a lot going on right now, dontcha? I am hoping it all works out well.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSoMo

Tears, streaming down my face. That was equal parts funny and heartwrenching! Sending healing thoughts & prayers to you & family!!

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDesiree

Sometimes we don't realize what we have until it's all gone. You still have a chance and I envy you.

Thinking of you and your dad today, hon. Hope everything goes as well as it can.


July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterChicky Chicky Baby

My father-in-law is facing this right now (a long-festering and deepening foot wound is warring with not-so-controlled diabetes and COPD against his body) and we're all pretty shell-shocked.

I wish I could hug you. (I wish I knew you well enough so that it wouldn't be some random stranger showing up and scaring the hell out of you, actually!)

A wonderful tribute. I hope he heals well, and quickly.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterdaysgoby

Tanis, that's so sweet. What a great daughter you are. Hope your father is okay.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSuburban Turmoil

You make me laugh and you make me cry, T. You have a gift, you know.

I hope it all goes well for him.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKyla

You had me laughing all the way up till you had me bawling my eyes out! Good luck to your daddy tommrow!!!

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterChristy

Woman, you make me laugh my ass off and then you leave me in tears.

I think I deserve to see your boobs for that. ;-)

Thinking of you and your Daddy, and praying for a safe & speedy procedure and recovery.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSarcastic Mom

I hope his surgery goes well.

And my dad - totally always walked around in his white tighty whities, even when we had friends over. Gross.

July 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermargaret

I linked over here from another site and have found myself reading...and reading...and reading - you're too funny! :D
This is a beautiful tribute to your father...and I only hope that I will have done a good enough job raising my two sons that they'll one day feel this way too...IF I overcome the "oblivious" gene they both seem to have inherited from their father!!!
Anyhow, I'm happy to have found this blog and will be back to visit!

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.

My response is on my own website »
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>