about Attack of the Redneck Mommy
RNM HOME ARCHIVES BEST OF RNM PRESS CHARITIES
Looking for something specific? SEARCH RNM.  
back to Tanis Miller
Monday
Jul282008

When Nature Calls

I live not ten minutes from a pristine beautiful lake with beautiful sandy beaches, a brand new gorgeous playground, and more walking trails than a person could ever hope to stroll in one day.

I avoid that place like the plague.

It's not that it's not beautiful, or it doesn't hold special memories in my heart. Let's just say many a romantic memory has been made under the full moon dancing upon the black lake, while snuggled in my Boo's arms.

The problem with this lake, this provincial park, is I'm not the only one who knows it exists. Other people enjoy it's long stretches of soft sand and scenic views.

Other people with squalling infants and sand-kicking demon spawn who kick dirt in your face when you are trying to relax and enjoy the sounds of the gulls and the soft lapping of water at the lake's shore.

I admit it, I'm a wee cranky when I'm hot and I've got sand digging into places sand has no business digging into.

Which is why I stay home and enjoy my pool. My pool is my very private (heh) paradise. My own oasis where I'm not worried about getting sand in my whoo-ha or being forced to witness people parade around in swimsuits they have no business wearing.


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting




Seriously. What is with old men and speedos? My retinas have burned into shriveled dry orbs more times than I care to count because of this phenomenon.

So I ignore my children's whines and pleas to be released out into the world and force them to make do with the luxurious chemical filled lake we call our pool.

I keep telling them it doesn't matter if all their friends get to go to the lake. They are lucky, no, blessed to be able to have a pool of their very own to swim in and not have to deal with leeches and pre-pubescent teens running around wearing itty-bitty scraps of material making arses of themselves.

I keep telling them that back in my day, I was lucky to be able to run through a rusty sprinkler when it was hot.

They don't believe me when I tell them that my family's pool was our bathtub and it was mighty hard to simply float in it and relax when you had your older brother pounding down the door threatening to drown you because you were screwing around in the only bathroom while he was jumping up and down trying to keep from having his bowels exploding all over the place.

Still, I want my children to be happy. I need them to be happy. Because dammit, they deserve it. They've been through more emotional upheaval in their short lives than most adults will ever face.

That said, I'm still not going to a public beach just to have my cooter rubbed raw and leeches chew on my boobs.

Which means I must occasionally play with my children in our pool instead of just floating around naked in it so that random neighbours can stumble upon my blindingly white body.

It was much easier when they were little and I could just spray them with the hose and they thought that was fabulous. Sigh.

Playing in the pool with them means getting jumped on, splashed at and tugged on all the while trying to pretend I'm not old and unfit, gasping and panting just trying to keep up with their seemingly boundless energy.

The upside to playing in the pool with them means that if I accidentally shove their heads under water I can pass it off as playing with them and not have them realize I'm just looking for a moment of peace and serenity.

Or a little passive-aggressive payback. Heh.

Of course, in the process of playing with them I swallowed more damn pool water than an elephant can shoot out it's trunk. Because you know, what's more fun than pushing your mom's head under water and watch her choke and gasp and snort water out her nose?

Finally, two hours later, I'd had my fill of not only bonding with Fric and Frac, but water in general. There wasn't a mommy trophy large enough or shiny enough to keep me in that pool for another minute.

Pulling myself up and out of the pool, the kids suddenly stopped splashing at one another and looked up.

"Where you going mom?" Fric whined.

I did what any graceful mother under fire would do. I lied.

"I have to go to the washroom." (Fingers crossed behind my back.)

"Aw. You're coming back in though, right?"

Yea. Sure. Of course, I mumbled.

Frac saw right through my weak response. (Damn it. Not to self: Learn to lie better.)

"Mom, you don't have to go in the house to go to the bathroom. Just do what I do," he helpfully yelled out.

"I'm not peeing in the bush, kiddo. Or off the deck. Or on the lawn. Unlike you, I have class." Said as I was digging out my swimsuit from my ass crack.

"No mom. Just pee in the pool, like we do. It's okay. Dad puts chlorine in it."

I mentioned earlier how much of that pool water I swallowed earlier on, right? Um, yah.

At least the mystery of why our pool is always so uncharacteristically um, warm, has been solved.

From now on, I'm sticking to hurling water balloons at their heads when I feel the need to bond.


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


He gives a whole new meaning to 'A little Pisser.'


« Dads and Daughters | Main | Tits Ahoy! »

Reader Comments (65)

That is one of those things that fathers pass down to their sons -- it is OK to pee in the shower, pools, and the ocean. In fact, it is a God-given right.

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterNeil

That is it, woman! I have had it with all these pool posts!

Okay, maybe it is not you. Maybe it was the nice pool sales guy that gave us a nice figure of $37,000 to put paradise in our own backyard. My husband has his marching orders and assures me that in 2 years I will have my heart's desire. Until then, I will get wishing for my pool to piss in.

One last question, how do the people who live in igloos (:P) get to have a pool, but us in hell don't have them handed out like free candy at the bank? Just curious.

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSoMo

Oh Jesus...that makes me sick. That is the reason why I kinda detest warm pools....I just think of piss and that takes all the fun out of it.

*gag*

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJulie

I had a pool as a kid and yep, definitely peed in it. And as an adult, I am disgusted with myself because, ew.

And it is for this same reason that everytime I swallow ocean water, I gag violently. It's like the world's largest urinal.

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterOverflowing Brain

I have a few rules in life.

1) Eat the last piece of cake/brownie/cookie/etc., before my kids realize there's still some left.

2) Laugh smugly at the fighting that ensues upon completion of Rule 1 (while wiping crumbs from my face).

3) Never, but never, swim in a body of water where animals or humans pee. If I can either not see the bottom or if the water is warm, you'll find me inside.

Sadly, I've stepped into my own bathroom into enough puddles of pee to realize there may be a flaw in Rule #3, but still, I'm sticking with it.

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterFADKOG

Do you know what you should do to scare the shit out of the little buggers???

They sell tablets, you put in the pool water... And if someone pees, they turn a BRIGHT RED cloud around them, you know, where the pee is.
*snicker*

That'll teach 'em.

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSydney

Tell them that Daddy put in a new chemical that turns the water purple if they pee in it. That'll stop the pool pissing really fast.

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJess

The pee is exactly why I avoid water parks. It's one thing to digest my own children's, um, evacuation. But strangers? Just thinking about it makes me all.....*faint*

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTootsie Farklepants

*laughing out loud at Sydney's suggestion*

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHer Bad Mother

We have been looking at houses and one we found has a huge yard--which of course to Caspian means we should put in a pool. My mind was pretty much made up before that no we would not, and you just solidified my decision.

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKD @ A Bit Squirrelly

But telling kids not to do that is like pissing in the wind...

Sorry, I could resist the piss tie-in. :)

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJanet

Syndey's suggestion works... one summer we KNEW this kid was peeing in the pool... so we bought the tablets and didn't tell him.... and then... well the truth came out...

to this day, he often receives signs for Christmas that say "we don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in our pool."

LOL! Boys will be boys...or so I'm told.

Peeing in a pool? EEEYUCK!

MIL's pool had a sign that said "If you feel the need to pee - LEAVE THE POOL!" LOL!

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterpreTzel

ok.

ew.

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterthe planet of janet

Yum.
Touch of ammonia, a dash of salt, shake with chlorine... Smooth summer cocktail!

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterZip n Tizzy

Our neighborhood pool has a sign that says, "Welcome to our _ool (notice there's no "P" in it, please keep it that way)". I'm quite certain it does not, in fact, deter that particular behavior.

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDustin

HAHA! Peeing in the pool! My nephew got my sister with that one last month and she hasn't set foot in her pool since.

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterChaos

My hubby taught my boys to pee outside when one night there were no bathrooms to be found. Okay, an emergency, I get it. But when I found out that they were peeing in the back yard by the fence only feet from the house, I wanted to strangle them. Then I found out that my daughter was standing right along side of them, pissing down her leg. I strangled their father.

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Schmitty

Several public pools in our area were closed due to cryptosporidiosis, so I guess that means they're not just peeing in the pool.

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAZ

I once drank my kids vomit, but that pales in comparison. Also, Neil? I pee in the shower. Tell me it's not only supposed to be a guy thing.

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMr Lady

This reminds me of the time I found out how men put out campfires.

Except I didn't drink any of the damn stuff. Bleck.

And that cartoon? DEAR GOD I SHALL NEVER RECOVER.

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLoralee

We have a firm policy when it comes to urine and the pool around here:

Don't ask, don't tell.

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMiss Britt

I'm here to testify that she's not THAT blindingly white.

I saw you naked, I saw you naked...

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterOh, The Joys

We have a salt water pool. When we built it, we informed every neighborhood kid and every guest that salt water pools are "unique" and special. "Why?" they would ask. We let them know it is because if you pee in them, a huge mushroom cloud of purple water forms around you and EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT YOU'VE DONE. We went so far as to tell them the purple water would even stain their bathing suits and change the color of their hair. The little shits believed us ...!!!

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTwenty Four At Heart

Oh, num. That's it, I'm sticking to my rusty sprinkler! In fact, I'm GLAD,. yeah, GLAD I don't have enough room for a pool around here...

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkittenpie

That totally makes me think of an article I wrote in which I interviewed a microbiologist and she said that pools that have an intense chlorine smell and burn your eyes when you get in them are bad news. That intensity is one of the chemical compounds in chlorine reacting with urine , sweat and feces.
If a pool is properly chlorinated it should only have a faint smell of chlorine.
I think back to all those times I thought wow this pool must be so clean because i can smell it and feel it.

Uh not so...and now I think I need to take another shower.

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWM

I like Sydney's idea:

They sell tablets, you put in the pool water… And if someone pees, they turn a BRIGHT RED cloud around them, you know, where the pee is.

All joking aside, I totally wish I had a pool!

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterElizabeth

Bwahahahaha!

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAunt Becky

That's what I love about being a swimming instructor. Every damn kid thinks they can piss in my office. Except mine because they understand that the death penalty CAN come back.

(and yes if your eyes are stinging it is most likely to be due to the chemical reaction that takes place when chlorine meets urine, not just chlorine....the school kids I teach shut up about their eyes real quick when I tell them the problem is their friend's peeing in the pool)

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDani

Gotta love that!!! You are quite the trooper though. Ifit were me...I would have waited for a good wind, stood at te poo's edge and tinkled right on them...and said, "like this ?"

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTentCamper

haha! So, this totally reminded me of the first time I took my oldest son to the big beaches in California. He was just three and barely potty trained, but still big enough for no diapers. Well, of course he had to pee, and the bathroom was like fifty million miles away, so I whispered in his ear that it was OK to pee in the ocean when you are a little boy. I mean, how more polluted can Santa Monica get?? So, just a little apprehensive, he went back down to the water, and at ankle deep, pulled his bathing suit down to his knees and let loose. The arc of his pee stream seemed to shout to all eighty five thousand people on the beach 'LOOK AT ME! MY MOM TOLD ME TO PEE ON YOU!!!'. Oh lordy.

I love children.

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterjust beth

my kids are freaks of nature. they REFUSE to pee in pools. who the heck taught them that??!?!?!

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterali

Perhaps you might invest in one of those, "There is no P in our OOL." signs. ;)

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKyla

Too funny - that pool gets you in a lot of trouble!!! And who told allll those other people about that beautiful beach???

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJamie

I just got back from a weekend at the Hard Rock in Vegas. They have swim-up blackjack. You can play for hours and drink 15 beers and you never have leave. So convenient.

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterFistpump McGillicuddy

That cartoon made me snarf coffee out my nose!!!!

Eeeewwwww, pee in the pool. Sigh. Gross.

I agree that people should rein in their kids just a tad when they're out. I do my best to keep my kids out of other people's hair, and it totally pisses me off when some family thinks it's OK to shrug responsibility for their kids' behavior. I get that a lot, actually, people thinking that just because I'm doign a good job keeping track of MY kids that I will be happy to watch THEIRS, too.

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAstarte

I peed in the pool at the Monte Carlo in Vegas last weekend. The water around me turned purple.

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDad Gone Mad

"What is with old men and speedos?"

My sisters and I have a name for them: trans-speedites. Men trapped in the wrong swimming suit.

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLori in Denver

And that's why I take my kids to OTHER people's pools to swim! Because deep down beneath the sweet kisses and loving hugs, they're nasty little buggers that pee in the pool and accidentally poop in the bathtub....or is that just mine?

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAnissa@Hope4Peyton

2 hours? I feel like Mom Of The Year if I play with my kids for 30 minutes. Now I really feel like crap. Thanks, Tanis. ;)

We were at a friends house yesterday and Noah had to pee. Instead of going inside he ran behind a tree. I asked him what he was doing, and he said peeing. Like what else would he be doing behind the tree? When I got on to him, he said, "Well that's what my Papa does!" Yeah, he's acting like the classy side of the family. Sigh.

http://notesfromthesleepdeprived.blogspot.com

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWendy

Uhhh...at least it's genetically compatible with your innards? lol

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterhoneywine

I am sensing a naked, bodily fluid theme going on in this blog. Ewww. ;0)

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenteriPost

ROFL! Why is anyone surprised children would pee in a pool??? I loved the tablet idea that produces a red cloud when a perpetrator pees. Hilarious!

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterchasingjoy

OMG!! I've been blinded. LOL What a comic. EEWWW!!!

Oh. Gross.
Of course, this weekend I am heading to the inlaws, who have a gorgeous pool in their backyard, which I may not swim in again after last time, when I asked my daughter if she had to pee, and she gleefully announced that she did not, as she had already gone in the pool.

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkgirl

Well, aren't I glad to find another fantastic Canadian blogger. Heard about you from my Pa... who read about you in the paper.

Very enjoyable.

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMantra

As bad as I feel for you - and I seriously do, I'd have been gagging fierce - I can't help but laugh. :) I love the tablet idea! :D

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterChicklet

Yeah but you made them, so their parts are from you. So technically you are drinking your own pee.

That doesn't make it better does it? Didn't think so...

July 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKelley

yeah - pools and kids don't mix for me. Thanks for the reminder.

July 29, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterqt

That was so funny. But I can see why you wouldn't think so.
Thats it no pools for our family. I know that is exactly what my little boy would do.

July 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterEllyn

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.

My response is on my own website »
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Post:
 
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>