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If Wishes Were Dollars, I'd be Rich

Two years have passed and still you haunt me, my boy.

It's been two years since Bug turned sheet white and non-responsive. Two years since my husband ran out to start the car on a frosty fall evening in the middle of the night. Two years since I looked Boo square in the eye and told him this was the one time I couldn't take my child to the hospital. I wasn't strong enough.

It has been two years since I buckled Bug into his car seat and kissed his forehead, told him mommy loves him, and hold tight. Mommy will make it all better.

Two years since I drove as fast as my car could go, the pedal to the floor. Two years since I hoped I wouldn't hit any animals in the dark, two years since I prayed for just this once to be stopped by a police car, anything not to be so alone with my fear and worry in the dark.

It's been two years since I phoned my husband in the middle of the night, while he waited for a baby-sitter to watch Fric and Frac and told him I was more frightened than I have ever been before, so worried I would fail Bug.

It has been two years since I whipped into that parking lot and felt sick to my stomach. I feared when I opened the door to get Bug out, he would be dead.

Two years since I saw my son's head hang at an unnatural angle, drew a deep breath and yanked him out of his seat and ran into the emergency room, with him hanging limply in my arms. He was warm.

It has been two years since I literally threw him into the arms of a worried nurse and he ran off with my son, calling out a code. Two years since I stood and watched them try and find a pulse, insert a central line, and scream medical terms that I understood all too well.

Two years since my mouth ran dry as cotton and my heart thumped like a rabbit's.

It's been two years since I asked to sit in a dark room and wait to hear any news. I couldn't handle watching his little body lie there lifeless as they tried to perform an act of God and bring him back to me.

Two years since his pediatrician, bedraggled and haggard, with the light from the hall shining behind him, walk into that dark room and just start to weep. Two years before a stream of doctors and nurses entered after him and patted me on the knee and apologised for not being able to save him.

It has been two years since I sat there in disbelief and terror and waited to shed a tear while others around me wept.

It has been two years since my husband ran into that dark room and looked at me with fear and hope in his eyes. It has been two years since I had to muster the strength to tell him he was too late, his son passed away, I couldn't save him.

Two years since I last saw my baby, kissed his face, sang his song and said good bye.

Two years since I walked out of that hospital, childless, with Bug's clothing in a plastic white bag, and Boo by my side.

Two years since I drove home in silence, alone, to face my children.

Two years since I woke them up and told them their brother died.

It has been two years and it still hurts as much as it did the day it happened.

Two years and I haven't stopped missing my Bug.

Two years and I still haven't stopped loving him.

Two years and I still wish every damn day that fateful night had turned out differently.

It has been two years.

I'm worn out with wishing.
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We miss you Angel boy. Thank you for being ours.
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Reader Comments (122)

Oh, baby. I'm crying. Who wouldn't be? This broke my heart in seventeen ways, but still that's not a fraction of the ways in which your heart has been broken.

I'm so very sorry.

Please offer my condolences to Boo, Fric, and Frac as well.

I am holding you all in my thoughts today.

And I'm sure Bug is smiling down at all of you.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterslouching mom

I'm thinking of you and feeling so sorry that all I can offer you is (((((((hugs))))))) maybe your bug and Leo are playing together up there and thinking all of us are being daft for still missing them so much. If you need to talk you can email me any time. lukasmummy2@hotmail.co.uk hugs Crystal xxxx

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterCrystal Blake

I wish you peace on this day and every next day forever and ever.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKristen

i've been thinking of you so hard knowing this was coming, this time of year, this loss.

i love you. you.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjen

Oh friend. I wish too there was more I could do for you on this day. To be there with you, cry with you and tell you how lucky Bug is to have you as his mommy.

I wish more then anything I could help heal the pain.

With these tears streaming down my face and this lump in my throat; I feel like I knew Bug. I am so very sorry.

I am here for you. Today and everyday!

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered Commentersam

I can sit and stare at this page all night long and still not be able to say anything that could possibly touch what you are feeling. I have no idea and honestly, could only imagine in my nightmares. But reading your previous blog - I know you and your family loved that little boy with everything you had for every moment of his life - and every day after. I love the way you celebrate Bug's life - yet mourn him with the whole of your soul. Bug was a special little boy but he was part of a very special family. He was born to the right people.
Thinking about you, Bug, and your family with peaceful thoughts.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBetteJo

I really have no words but to say thank you so very much for sharing his memory with us.

I am so sorry Redneck.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered Commentercrazymumma

There are just no words to express how much this moved me. Thank you for sharing your pain with all of us.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBri

That had me crying. I hope that among the sadness today, that you, Boo, Fric and Frac were able to celebrate your son's amazing life.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered Commentergeena

I am so sorry. Nothing more to say.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterWendy

I'm so sorry, my friend. Love you.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermetro mama

I wish your family peace in this extremely difficult time.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSmiling Mom

I wish there were a way to make all your tomorrows hold the solace of knowing you did not fail him, because you didn't. You gave him, and continue to give him, a kind of love that many kids never really experience. I hope your family will find healing as it grows again.

Fierce hugs.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered Commenteramanda

I am so sorry for your loss. To outlive your child is a burden no one should have to face.

From what little I know of the story, gleaned from old posts and the details you share here, it seems like it may have been a fortunate for him to pass instead of continuing to live in pain. While it leaves you without him (and him without you for that matter), ultimately it may have been better for him that way.

I hope you find peace someday, although admittedly if I were in your shoes I don't know if I would. Try to make the best of the shitty situation, for yourself and your family.

Take care.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSciFi Dad

I'm so, so sorry. I wish I could bring him back for you, or take away your pain.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBecki

My heart just shattered into a thousand pieces reading this, and the tears are rolling down my cheeks. I'm so very very sorry, for you, for Fric, for Frac and for Boo. You should have had many more years together.

Thinking of you.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterb*babbler

Oh God, T. I love you friend. And my heart is aching alongside yours. Sometimes these words we share are a shallow substitute for a flesh and blood presence, I wish I could offer you something more.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKyla

I am sitting here crying for you.

No, with you. For that lost, precious little boy.

I am so very, very sorry.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterArkie Mama

So, so much love to you and Boo and the kids from me and D.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterCharmingDriver

I am so sorry T. I'm always here for you.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermotherbumper

I wish I could do or say something. I am listening. I am reading. I am wishing as well.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMad Hatter

This took courage, and much love to share this.

You never failed Bug, T. Never.

I wish that was any kind of consolation.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterdaysgoby

I'm coming out of the shadows for the 2nd time in as many days. All I can really say is... Bug was a very lucky boy to have you for his mama. It shows how much you love him and although his life was short, he spent it surrounded by that love. You didn't fail him. You gave him a life and you made it as special as any one person could. My heart goes out to you and yours.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJustAnotherMama

oh god, what a drive T. tears are splashing on my keyboard, and i wish so badly that you were close by...i'd just like to sit with you, and talk about Bug.

love to you.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBon

bought tears to my eyes. so sorry.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterChels

God Bless.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterArchie Belaney

Words fail me. Tears do not. Thank you for sharing.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermeredith

i pray the pain gets easier for you.

this post made me go and hug my girls a little tighter.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered Commentergorillabuns

Coming out of lurking to say I am so very heartbroken for you and your family. I can't even imagine the pain you are dealing with. I wish I had something to say......I'm just so sorry.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermel from freak parade

I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKizz

I have no words. Just that my heart hurts for you and your family. Your Bug was blessed to have had you.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjacquie

I've been staring at this page for a while trying to find the right words.

There are none. None. To say I am sorry doesn't cut it... but I am, my heart aches for you and Boo and Fric and Frac. My heart broke reading this, time and again.. you never failed him love, you couldn't have. Peace to you, I pray for that.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMamaMichelsBabies

Coming out of the shadows to say that how you write about your Bug, and THAT you write about him, has changed the way I see special needs kids. To know that a mom out there smiles at a mom and a child who others might look away from is something that I hope helps you somehow. Your writing has helped remind me that there is a story and a lot of love behind what might look to me simply painful to endure. That is your tribute to your Bug.

Much peace.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSharon

I am sorry for your loss. From a dark place the light of your love shines out and teaches. Your son's life touched mine thru his devoted mothers words. So many lessons from such a short time. Thank you for sharing and may peace be with you.

October 21, 2007 | Unregistered Commentercindy

Thinking of you and your family. May you find a bit of peace, if not today, at least in the coming year.

October 22, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterTera

My heart breaks for you. I don't even know what else to say.

October 22, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterEmma

don't ever stop missing him...he is part of you and will always be... i know it is no consolation whatsoever...but time will make the memories better and more bearable...until then...hang in there

October 22, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterStef

Crying for you in Tanzania - knowing there is nothing I or anyone else can say to make it better.

October 22, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterHally

Thinking of you as always.

October 22, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBinky

So sorry for your. Wishing there were words that could take away your pain. Will pray for your family.


October 22, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMarie

While there are no words for you and your family, I'm sending prayers and thoughts your way.

October 22, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMinnie

I knew I shouldn't have read this post at work. I'm now at the ugly-cry-stage and hoping nobody walks by.

I pray for you T...and your family. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that...and I know you'll miss your Bug until the day you die and get to be with him.

Thinking of you...


October 22, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMs. Crafty Wanna-Be

The pain eventually lessens. Missing them never does. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

October 22, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBill

My friend, I'm thinking about you and your family today. I can't imagine how tough this is for you. Many hugs and wet, sloppy kisses.

October 22, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Chicky

My heart is with you.

October 22, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterRee

Tell us about him whenever you need to. We're listening.

October 22, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterNotSoSage

No mom ever should have to make that kind of a drive, to live through that kind of a day.

I wish like crazy I could give you a big hug, though I know nothing can take away the pain you're feeling at this anniversary. Thinking of you and your family and wishing you as much peace as possible.

October 22, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterNancy

I am sobbing as I reach out to tell you that I am thinking of you and your sweet boy. You were as lucky to have him as he was to have you. I wish I had the words to take away the pain. But all I have is much love and virtual hugs for a friend. Thinking of you. xoxo

October 22, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSandra


October 22, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterPhil

I have tears in my eyes as I write this. I am so truly sorry for your tremendous loss.

October 22, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAngela

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