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Battle Weary

As a parent, I have had to get used to the idea that dishes will be broken, milk will be spilled and a variety of household items will just simply vanish. As a parent, I have been introduced (and since become good friends with ) the invisible gremlin known as Not Me.

It is always Not Me's fault at our house. Even when I catch poor Fric and Frac in the act of wrong doing, they still try to pin the blame on poor old Not Me. But now, as they are aging, and maturing, they have stopped tormenting sad little Not Me. You see, dear internet, they have found another fool to pin the blame on. Each other. Now they just simply respond. "Wasn't me, must have been Frac," and vice versa. And then they go to their private little command posts, go over the battle plans and tighten up their strategy. All in the efforts of winning this war I like to call :Operation Drive Mommy Mad.

I must admit, at times I've found it amusing. Others, maddening. And in the morning, when that beautiful yellow school bus, driven by my very own angel of mercy, stops at the bottom of my driveway and picks up my soldiers, I am relieved. And grateful. For I have survived yet another day, another battle. (Let them practice their skills of seemingly innocent sorcery on the school teachers. For at least they have been prepared for such battles. This mommy needs a break.)

Because I have a new battle to face. A war which must be won. No matter the cost.

Redneck Mommy versus Nixon. World's. Greatest. Dog. Ever.

And I will sadly report that Nixon has better battle plans than I was prepared for. He just bends his puppy ear back and looks at me with his puppy eyes, and I'm lost.

It doesn't matter that he was raping my oldest, most precious teddy bear from my childhood. Mr. Pink Elephant. It doesn't matter that he discovered the joys of the garbage can. What's a little piddle between friends? Right, dear internet?

Until I walked into this scene. Charles was terrorized, raped and then eviscerated. My Charles, sweet Charles, the first teddy my darling Boo ever won for me at a carnival.

It's not right dear internet. I will avenge my dear Charles. Bring it on Nixon. I'm not scared of you. Fric and Frac have a battle hardened mommy.

Just keep your damn ears pointed up, and your tongue in your mouth. Then we will see whose the boss around here.
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Reader Comments (21)

God, look at the carnage in that picture! What did you do to piss off Nixon? They say dogs do not hold grudges, but I don't know. My dogs have taken the TV remote out to the backyard and destroyed it. It was right after I left the house to go to the store instead of taking them for a walk. I think dogs are smarter than we give them credit for.

September 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTUFFENUF

If he does that to the stuffies, what might he have planned for you? Be afraid, be very very afraid.

September 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGette

wow, that is some serious doggie destruction.

September 26, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterlynsalyns

Oh, sure talk tough now, but we all know who will win this war. Face it sister, he has you beat. It's just so hard to give in to that sweet, cute, oh so dear puppy... But not to worry, we've all been there.

September 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRoxylynn

Let's Get Ready to Ruuumbbbllle.

I can see it now: A steel cage match between you and Nixon. I fear that Nixon has a slight edge, because he's cute, but I think you will eventually win because you have a larger brain. And opposable thumbs. And access to the dog food.

But if I were you I'd sleep with one eye open.

September 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Chicky

Ah, my sister's dog used to do that when he was a puppy, and stopped only when he was maybe one-and-a-half years old. If the stuffed toy had a squeaker in it, he'd maul it until he got the squeaker out, then he lost all interest. I think my sister developed the command, "Don't kill it!" Dunno how effective that was, though. ;^) I think the dog jsut outgrew the desire to chew everything. Do you have any Kongs that you could stuff with cheese or peanut butter? An animal behaviorist friend of mine often recommends that for keeping dogs busy. Good luck!

September 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterB.E.C.K.

Are you a fan of the Family Circus, perchance? Not-Me was a recurring character on that cartoon, I recall.

September 26, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterbubandpie

Just admit it. You are helpless in the face of your puppy's cuteness. Nixon has you wrapped firmly around his little paw!

September 26, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjellyhead

This is a battle I've got to see!

September 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMy float

Oohhh guurrl. I know your pain. Trust me.

My couch? Hole in it.
My carpet? Holes in it.
My pillow? Shredded.

Every baby [dog toys] known to man-shredded and stuffin' left everywhere. Half the time it looks like a crime scene around here.

Give him your undies. Maybe that'll keep 'em busy for a while.

September 26, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkimmyk

Oooooh...Nixon is REALLY in the dog house now. (heheh...how's that for a pun? lol)

And I'm sorry about Charles :)

September 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterIzzy

Holy cow, I'm sorry, but that is hilarious, but I can safely say that from here in California. Of course if I was within spitting distance of you, I would offer my sincere condolences. Oh, and I found your blog via a comment you left over at J's about her freak girlfriend. lol. Now go get Nixon.

September 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterChris

Oh, and as for the "Not Me's"? We have Bobbie, my 6 yr. old son's imaginary friend. I thought he would have outgrown that by now, but nope. And it's ALWAYS Bobbie's fault. I told him to bring on Bobbie because I was going to take him on. It's yet to happen, though. Sigh.

September 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterChris

My dog emptyied the trash can & the scattered the dirty clothes all over the bathroom once when I refused to take her with me for a visit to the neighbors house. She had never done that before, but I had always taken her with me...She was mad.

Nixon is a puppy and needs to be taught what he can chew...Hope it's not you or the kids.

September 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAbandoned in Pasadena

Oh my god! He murdered him!!! LOL. How big is Nixon???

September 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKristen

Oh noooo...do you think Mr. Pink Elephant can get a surgery or something to get him fixed?

The pics made me remember what my neighbor's dog did to my Mom's most beloved couch back when I was little.

Oh yes, Mom got soooooooooooo mad about it. That's why she only keeps cats instead of dogs as pets.

September 27, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRiana Lance - Healthifica.com

He kicked the stuffing out of Charles...
Wonder what he said to Fric and Frac to deserve such a demise....

September 27, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterPendullum

And on the eve of your birthday, evil, evil dog. Why don't you come back over to my side. (The cat lover side) oh, remembering the "gifts" from the cat...Uh, sorry, not much help here!

September 27, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJojo

And here I was, just this morning, wondering about dear little Nixon, WonderBaby's arch-rival for the crown of World Dictator, and what do I find? Nixon gone criminal. Rape and mutilation. Brutal. He's not to be trifled with, clearly.

September 27, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHer Bad Mother

Poor Elephant. What is this world coming to? LOL

September 28, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRose

OMG! Those pictures are just great...

I had a pair of shoes once that really got ripped apart by my dog when she was a pup...

BTW, I really love your Blog Skins on both of your sites. I have read them both and cried a lot.

I have my new baby boy (not so new...he will be 2 soon) and he has some special needs. I was not prepared for his arrival...but am a Mommy because of him.

His older brother Troi adores him and so does anyone that meets him.

My heart goes out to you and your family...and I do very much love your wit! You're a hoot!



November 7, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichellene

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