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Thursday
Apr272006

Hillbilly Wars - For the Record

Last night we had an unexpected visitor. The hillbilly's new puppy came over and decided to check us out. I find this ironic as Mrs. Hillbilly used to screech at me like a flesh-eating banshee whenever my golden retriever used to wander over to visit them. As I was petting their giant, slobbering, stupid Rottweiler puppy named Wolfgang, it occurred to me that perhaps I haven't given the hillbilly's next door fair representation on my blog. There are people out there who may believe I live next door to ape-like critters.

I do. But that is besides the point. They have feelings too. Even when they are demanding I pick up the garbage their dog scattered and dragged home. Or when Mr. Hillbilly is peeing on my feet. Or when their son whips into my drive way and punches my 58 year old father for not signalling when my dad turned into my driveway. (I shit you not. But in fairness to the kid, he was stoned. It is hard to see straight with all that mojo flowing through your system.)

I'm sure Mrs. Hillbilly had feelings when she told me I diluted the gene pool with my youngest son. I mean, who wouldn't be upset to find out the new neighbor choose to breed and brought home, gasp, a disabled baby. Property values plummet all the time, I'm sure, due to the handicapped.

And I absolutely believe that Missy Hillbilly, who at fourteen, had crushing feelings when she drove her ATV up and down our road while yelling obscenities and the occasional death threat to Fric and Frac. When my husband caught her doing it, she explained that the, then 6 and 7 year old, kiddies were very annoying on the school bus, what with them wanting her to play video games with them. She was overwhelmed. We all know how two little kids who want to be nice to you can kill your social life. Nothing kills the "Badass Bitch" look one tries valiantly to cultivate easier than being nice to people under four feet tall.

So you see dear internet, I haven't been all that fair to my hillbilly neighbors next door. I haven't taken into consideration their frustration with having rednecks for neighbors. I haven't provided balance along with my insight. So I apologize, dear internet. And I am here to set the record straight.

The hillbilly neighbors have feelings, too.
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Reader Comments (10)

Oh man, how can you take it? That is just amazing. I firmly believe in karma for obnoxious neighbors, they will get their comeuppance. Though those kids sound like they are well on their way to making the parents' lives hell.

April 27, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRene

talk about diluting the gene pool.. of course it sounds like, for them, marrying anyone but a relative would be diluting the gene pool

you must be some kind of saint to have kept yourself from burning down thier shack thus far

April 27, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFidget

Wow, and to think I was annoyed about the neighbour's cat's shitting around my house. You got it bad.

April 27, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermoe

Darn whacko neighbours and their whacko offspring. I'm gobsmacked that people can be so .... well, whacko.

In what universe would it be ok to say / do the things that the Hillbillies are doing and saying??

April 27, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMy float

Hmm. Sounds like some of this warrants a police report.

April 27, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterB.E.C.K.

Oh MAN, you GOTTA have a block party, just so you can take pictures for your blog.

Sooooo. I guess inbreeding is okay in that part of Canada?

We have nicknames for all our neighbors. I should take pictures of their lawns and blog about them. Something to consider...

April 27, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterIt's okay, Sweetie

I should go kiss my neighbors and shower them with gifts because they're nothing like yours...although...one comes close.

April 27, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAbandoned in Pasadena

Dude...you gotta move.

April 27, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterIzzy

I wonder if it would hurt their feelings if you got restraining orders. They sound awfully sensitive!

April 28, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterse7en

I often think similar thoughts about the white trash folks who we encounter at the grocery store.

Thanks for the fresh perspective. I'll be nicer the next time I encounter them in the aisles.

April 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCarmi

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