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Friday
Apr282006

The Hairless Pussy

There are certain things I have decided not to blog about. Boundaries I have set to help maintain my privacy and ensure that you, dear internet, do not think I am the world's biggest bozo. Things like the fact I bought a brand new digital camera about a month ago, and have yet to hook it up to my precious computer, because, well, I don't know how. And if I ask my darling hubs, he'll laugh his ass off all the way to the silly shack. I have decided not to blog about the general state of affairs between me and my mommy. Too damn depressing. Or the fact that my hub's family is just about as screwed up as my own. Isn't every family fvcked beyond redemption anyhow? I try not to blog about the overwhelming lack of support my family has showered upon my husband, kids and I since our angelboy flew away. It's hard to see through the tears and type at the same time.

I try not to blog bad things about my kids. Things like the fact both my kids resemble Bucky the Beaver and are going to cost me more in orthodontia equipment than my mortgage did. It's not their fault they have crooked teeth. Some might point out, that it is mine and my hubs. I try not to complain about the staggering amount of rotted apples and bananas my son tends to hide in his closet. The kid doesn't like fruit. But he can be highly creative when it comes to making it disappear. I try to see the bright side of this problem. I try not blog about my daughter's irritating habit of cutting papers into a billion tiny pieces and then scattering them around her room like confetti. Always a party when you're nine, right?

I try hard not to complain about my brilliant and beautiful husband. Because, let's face it, he reads this blog. And he works his ass off every day so that I can bitch about my neighbors. And the only thing he ever asks for is, well, more like offers everday, is his peckercillin. Really, what more could I ask for?

But when I found this cartoon, I could hold off no longer. You see dear internet, for the past two months I have been busting my ass working at a local greenhouse. The owner is a friend of mine who believes in plant therapy. She thinks if I get my arse off the couch, and stop staring at the computer screen, my grief will diminish. And she was sort of right. My grief hasn't diminished, but my ability to cope has increased. And I have lost ten pounds and gained girly biceps along the way. So it is all good, right?

Wrong. I have discovered my love of flowers in no way overpowers my hatred of manual labour. But why blog about it? Doesn't everyone hate their jobs? And at the end of May, I no longer am employed. I will be free to lounge in my pool and pluck my weeds. So I have deferred from blogging about my job.

But this cartoon, makes it impossible to say no. I MUST blog. You see, the greenhouse is ruled by several four legged creatures. A dog who is deaf, hates kids and tries to bite the wind. But he is cute, he likes me and he eats my apple cores, so I'll leave Winston alone. Then there are the cats. Mr. Burns and Smithers, who are a little fat, and do nothing but purr all day. We also have Maverick who has an affinity for mousing and then leaving the carcasses where I continually crunch them. Lovely but normal.

But then there is the cat from hell, aptly named Hobbes. This cat stalks me, terrorizes me and plays mind games with me. He sits on the flowers I am trying to transplant and he thinks my arms are meat bones for him to chew on. I have so many cuts, and scratches from that damn cat that when I see him on the driveway I wish I was in my car so I could mow him down. Hobbes had matted, long orange fur which he would perpetually choke up in a nice hair ball and deposit it where I could see it.

Not anymore, dear internet. The damned pussy tat was shaved. And a funnier site I have never seen. Now everytime I dodge his swiping paws or jump to avoid being bitten, I just laugh and walk away. Hard to be mad at a hairless kitty. And it really pisses him off.

Hee hee. Revenge is sweet Hobbes. Next time, you'll think twice about who you sink your little claws into.

***I can't wait to see how many perverts visit my blog when they Google hairless pussy. Sorry to disappoint you dudes, but perhaps you should get your mind out of the gutter. ***
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Reader Comments (23)

Hobbes, huh? 'Solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short' - and now hairless, too?

Love the imagery. Needed the laugh. Got it.

April 28, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHer Bad Mother

Oh I love the thought of an evil cat getting what's coming to him. Karma does work, doesn't it? Damn felines.

April 28, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMrsFortune

Feline justice...hit 'em where it hurts, their fur! I recently shaved my long-haired cat because she sheds way to much for this momma. Vacuuming once a week is fine, but every day was becoming a bit tiresome!

April 28, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersoleclaw

such a funny entry!! and sorta freaky because one of my cats is named hobbes, and my sister in laws dog is name winston :)

April 28, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

You are so in for it with the google porn pervs.

My daughter also has big old buck teeth coming in, we fear. The top two made their first appearance last week and we both looked at each other and said, "uh oh..."

April 28, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMom101

Meeeeoww!
I too will not complain about the paper bits, the rotten fruit ands the teeth (my daughter got a retainer that fixed her two front teeth for $150 instead of $$$braces. we were lucky)

But those darn cats keep fertilizing my sand box. if I cover it they use the garden as their litter box or right ouside my front door so the first thing I smell... Quick somebody give me a razor.

April 28, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermoe

It's so good to laugh while reading your posts...keep the comedy coming.

April 28, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAbandoned in Pasadena

You're right...reading this blog, I found it hard to read through the tears, but it was just as hard when I was laughing like crazy at the image of your shaved pet. Wonder how many hits you'd get with Brazillian pussy? LOL

April 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMy float

I'm sure the real thing is even funnier! You sound like a strong woman, keep on keepin' on. Michele sent me.

April 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterDara

I love your ability to tell a story. You master imagery in ways I wish I could.

Something tells me you're writing the book on how to cope with grief. In doing so, you inspire all who come here to read you.

April 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCarmi

....aaaaaaaah the lines we cross.

Over from the other michele's

April 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterIm Chele In [dot] La

Here from Michelle's! Rolled on the floor laughing with this post. Could it be I can relate/ Possibly. But I won't talk about it. :-)

April 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSandy J

Redneck Mommy, blogging is cheaper than therapy. Your cyberfriends support you.

I saw Soleclaw's cat by the way. The poor thing really DID look visibly depressed that it was shaved.

April 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterIt's okay, Sweetie

=snort=

I want to see the stats when this gets indexed by all the search engines...

Aren't shaved...kitties...kinda ugly?

April 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterThumper

Every now and then Michele send me ov er to visit someone who I can totally relate to. YOU, my dear Redneck, are one of those! I've blogrolled you and I hope to be seeing more of you! YOU ARE A HOOT! (Hairless Pussy! There, I've given you one more Google hit!)

April 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLast Girl On Earth

My cats just hid under the bed. I don't know if they were afraid of being sheared or of the car or if kids with orthodonic needs. Thank goodness they are all of the mild mannered type here.

Here from Michele.

April 29, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersrp

So - did you check Google or what?? Enquiring minds need to know what the results were.....

Oh, poor Hobbes...only thing is that usually makes them more distrusting and aggressive - good luck!

[hehehe]

cq

April 29, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercraziequeen

My two bichons must see the groomer regularly so that I don't butcher them with my inability to be a dog groomer. But the search for hairless pussy cracked me up.
HAHAHHAHA
Michele sent me

April 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCyndy

I just have to know... is there REALLY a Redneck County in Canada? I thought they were all in the Southern U.S. ~ jb///

April 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLZ Blogger

LOL! I have my dearest Sweetie..the gorgeous one who has such horrendous knots I do not know what to do..He WON'T let me comb or brush him as I need to, so now this very thick winter coat is beyond combing and brushing...I know, I know... the groomer..BUT, he is a frightened little guy and hides in the closet when the doorbell rings...I wouldn't know how to get him to the groomers and if I did, I'm afraid the trauma of being hairless might keep him in the closet, forever! Dilemma, indeed. So, it is truly weird that you would be blogging about this problem today--allbeit with a terrible sounding kitty--Sweetie is a dream cat--Well, something will have to be done. But I haven't quite figured out what! (lol) Are you having a good time at the Nursery/Florist place? There is something healing about plants and flowers, I know..but...well, you know what I am going to say, I think...It doesn't change how things really are. I don't mean to put a damper on it, at all...I say enjoy what ever you can out of it, including being deliciously happy that Hobbes The Evil, is now Hairless! Bravo!

April 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterOldOldLady Of The Hills

OH sh*t! I forgot to say I'm here from Michele today and happy to be here, as always.

April 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterOldOldLady Of The Hills

I would love to work in a greenhouse. Shoot I'd love to work anywhere I could get some therapy for free. I work with some horrible patients. Argh.

So I have a question for ya though-how often should I be watering my palm tree plants that are indoors? Weekly? Or when they're dry as a bone? I'm having a hard time keeping it alive....

April 29, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkimmyk

Your post really made me laugh! You are definitely going to get some weirdos here from the search engines in a month or so.

I'll be adding your blog to my blogroll.
BTW, Canada has hillbillys and rednecks? Here I thought I was from the state that had the true hillbillys..LOL.. I'm in KY.

April 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterPetite Mommy

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