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Monday
Nov062006

Good Bye Dear Hubs, Hello Hairy Legs...


When Boo and I decided to forever tangle ourselves together in wedded bliss, we never gave much thought to what that meant. After all, we were young, in love and invincible. How hard could this marriage thing be, when both of our parents, all of our aunts and uncles and our grandparents before us, had mastered the art of marriage and the til' death do we part stuff.

What we forgot to remember when we were fooling ourselves into believing marriage was easy, was that none of our family members were married to me. (Although, my darling hubs does have some first cousin marriages along the way and an uncle wedded to a niece, and of course, his mother is married to her third cousin, but that's a post for another day...)

What Boo and I failed to realize marriage is hard. Especially when you are married to me.

I can be a tad over-emotional, demanding and (he insists) irrational.

(I don't like that word. Especially when used in relation to me.)

However, he may have a small point about some things. I will admit to being extremely passionate, slightly temperamental, and I do have high standards I expect him to meet.

But I am NEVER irrational. (Between you and me, dear internet, I may sometimes have irrational tendencies, but let's keep that on the down-low, shall we?)

But just when the hubs and I thought we had this marriage thing down pat, he changed the rules on us. He got a job that separates us for extended periods of time.

Which leaves me alone, with my dog, to try and raise our children.

(There went any hope for those two not spending copious amounts of time and money on a therapist...)

Just when I've adjusted to living life as a single mom, with only our odd phone calls to remind me of the love we share, he switches it back up, and comes home for a few days.

And then leaves again.

I'm having trouble adjusting. When I want to hang on to his sleeves and beg him to stay, using sex as a bribe and offers of gourmet cooked meals (cooked by some one other than me, of course) there is another part of me that is saying "Go, good riddance, leave already." I'm tired of sharing the remote, shaving my legs and trying to cook something other than Kraft dinner.

Inevitably, he leaves, and I'm free to grow enough body hair to resemble a small yeti, and that should make me happy, right?

The problem being a small, hairy yeti who is free to cook as much K.D. as she wants, is that she misses the laughs, the dog-breath (and I'm not talking about the World's Greatest Dog's breath), and the mattress dip.

That and he takes out the garbage for me too.

Hurry home, big guy. And bring razors. Your yeti will need them.
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Reader Comments (17)

You mean he DOESN'T like rubbing up against fur?

November 6, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHer Bad Mother

Oh I hear ya! I love when mine splits for awhile. No shaving, no big meals, hell ... no shower if I don't feel like it.

And it's nice when he comes back. Kind of 'go away so I can miss you'. Hehee...

November 6, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJ.

Mine us under foot 24/7.
When he did have a brief out of home job...it was sooo weird.

And for some reason when he doesn't look but just feels my legs...he thinks the silky smoothness is from shaving and not the nice pelt I have been cultivating.

November 6, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCrunchy Carpets

Ooh boy, do I know what you mean. Mine travels for business frequently and I'm torn between holding onto his leg as he drags me behind out the door and packing his bags for him.

Just today I picked up the razor and said "Nah. What's the use?" I have to say it felt good.

November 6, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Chicky

I know this one all too well. When Honey was active duty army he'd be gone for months on end-I'd rejoice and let my legs go, [always shaved the pits though] and get all excited when the hair on my legs was long enough it was soft. Until that one day when my son looked at my legs when he was little and proclaimed outloud in the park:

"Mommy, you have grass growing on your legs".

After all the stares had diminished I took my ego and what was left of my dignity and went home to shave.

He is his fathers son.

November 6, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkimmyk

I'm sorry - first cousins? Uncles and nieces? I am SO looking forward to that post!

Hairy is nothing compared to that!

November 6, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMy float

Before I forget (again) Nixon is Dog of the Week. I think he deserves it for keeping his mama warm when she's all alone.

Congratulations on winning absolutely nothing. ;)

November 6, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Chicky

You mean you still shave for him when he's home? I'd totally be using the it's cold/Canada/I need insulation argument if I were in your shoes.

November 6, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterOld MD Girl

I feel that way even when my husband is involved in a play. It means he works all day and he's gone most every evening until late, making me essentially a single mom during those times.

You're right, it can be tough.

November 6, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterChristina

Yeah, well, that's the thing about husbands - they are incredibly appealing in some ways and yet repulsive in others. We want them to stay, go, stay, go.....

If it helps any, I am also a tad over-emotional, demanding and have been called irrational (though of course I deny it too!)

November 6, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjellyhead

Demanding - check.

Over-emotional - check.

Irrational - check.

Are we related?

November 6, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Chicken

My husband and I have been having a large, two week long fight, so I haven't bothered shaving since I know no horizontal tango-ing will happen till we make up. This weekend, I decided to get rid of the second coat anyway. Somehow, I forgot to shave one of my legs. I noticed it hours later. I think that shows a certain ambivalence on my part, doesn't it?

November 6, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterECR

I think we can all be a bit emotional & irrational at times...but hey...we're women and we have the package they want.

November 6, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAbandoned in Pasadena

My hubby and I work together, so whenever he wants to go for a weekend of golfing (code for drinking) with "the guys," I'm usually running up the stairs to help him pack his bags. I always think I'm looking forward to a weekend of doing whatever the hell I want -- renting chick flicks, going shopping -- until he actually leaves. Then boy am I glad to see him when he gets home :)

November 6, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterDenice

Nothing like feeling all dainty like Bigfoot and making lean cuisine microwave meals. I don't like the irrational label either. It's really called determination.

I love the elderly woman married for over 50 years who said she never thought about divorce. "but murder, however...."

November 6, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEmmaSometimes

Just you wait, 'enry 'iggins, just you wait -- until you are both retired and have to spend 24/7 with each other. What a treat! (That's why his computer is in one room and mine is in another.)

I deliberately don't shave just because. I take that back. I do shave every couple of years when I have to go have a pap smear and breast exam. I certainly wouldn't want my physician to think I'm a complete savage.

Now I'm waiting with bated breath to hear the story of the inbreeding in your family. That should be a classic. Almost like the "blue" people who live in far Eastern Kentucky who have inbred for so many generations, their skin is tinged blue. They are interesting people and a symbol for all that is holy in this Commonwealth of Kentucky.

Just remember, parting is such sweet sorrow, but when he comes back, he can treat you like the queen that you are.

November 7, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMotherkitty

If Nixon gets to have hairy legs, then by golly, so should you.

November 8, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterstefanierj

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