The Dirtiest Phone Conversation Ever

From earlier today. He wonders why I hate talking on the phone so much:

"Hey. How are you?"

"I'm grouchy."

"Why is that? Did you sleep poorly?"

"No. I slept like the dead. The pitter patter of the rain against the window lulls me asleep."

"Ah. So what's today's problem?"

"The pitter patter of the rain against the window. I don't mind a little rain. It was needed. I can just about hear the leaves unfurling on the trees."

"And this is a problem?"

"No. That's not the problem. Stay with me here. The problem is the fact it won't stop raining. I'm going to need Noah to build me a darn ark soon."

"Rain is good for the soul. And it washes away the dog poop on the lawn. That's important."

"Look at you, ever the optimist. You are forgetting one thing though."

"What's that?"

"Someone dug a hole to China to build a monster man cave and it is now my very own personal lake. Not to mention since my driveway has been destroyed my yard is half mud pit, half ocean."

"Oh. Well. That monster man cave will surely be worth a little mud."

"A little mud?"

"I think you just burst my eardrum with that screech. It's mud. It's not the end of the world."

"It is not a little mud. It's two dogs, four cats, two teens and a wheelchair worth of mud. ALL OVER MY FLOOR. All I'm doing is mopping. Mopping, mopping, mopping. I hate mopping."

"That sounds like a lot of mud."

I'm like Sisyphus. Only less giant boulder up a mountain and more mopping a never ending series of muddy tracks off the floor.

"It's so much mud. I think it would be easier to just live outside, in a card board box. Less mud."

"Why a cardboard box? Why not a tent? Or in one of the sheds?"

"Are you seriously trying to pick a fight right now? The mud is making me mad."

"I'm sorry about the mud. Soon it will stop raining, the mud will dry, the hole will be filled, the man cave will be finished and your life will be better."


"Is there something else that is bothering you?"

"Yes. My internet connection is acting up. It took me 25 minutes to upload a picture to my blog and my email won't load, none of the blogs I like can be read and I can't believe I pay this much money for such a crappy connection. It's a travesty."

"Sounds dirty."

"Almost as dirty as the mud."

"Well there is a bright side you know."

"Really? And what would that be? Because from where I sit, I can't see one."

"With all that extra time you have waiting around for your internet connection to load you have plenty of time to mop the floors."

"If you were here right now, I'd totally toss you out into the mud."

"Ya, but you'd let me back in. And then you'd just have to spend more time mopping up after my muddy foot prints. It's a vicious circle really."

"I hate when you are right."

"It's a nice change of pace really."

"Whatever. I've gotta go. Those floors won't wipe themselves clean."

"That's my girl."

"I'm going to blow up your man cave one day."

"No you won't. It would make a mess. I'm not sure but it would likely involve mud."

"I really hate you."

"Have a good day sweetie."

They say the definition of insanity is doing the exact same thing over and over again while expecting a different result. Like expecting a dog to go outside in the rain and not have muddy paws on his way back in. If he could roll his eyes at me he would.