So I was just minding my own business the other night, watching my children wrestle over the television remote while I surfed the net looking for randomly odd things to pin on Pinterest when I heard the sweetest sound of all.

The ping of my email announcing I had something new to read.

I'll admit it, I still get excited over new unread email. I mean you never know what is going to be waiting for you there, in your shiny Internet mailbox. Will it be the promises of an all new, incredibly powerful penile enhancer or will it be a proposal from a African prince who has a weak grasp on the English language who needs you to rescue his Kingdom from evil overlords all by depositing your life's saving into his bank account, but no worries, he'll pay you back with interest and kittens as well as make you a Knight of the throne. Or something like that.

More often than not it's email spam lovingly forwarded from a naive family member (cough*my sister*cough) or some lame joke I first read in 1998 that a different family member is just now discovering (cough*Boo*cough).

But every now and then I get gems such as this:

I really enjoyed your Valentine's Day story, but that image of crap on a cracker has kind of stuck with me.

I mean I can see it and smell it and I'm seriously in danger of tasting it.

Would you please repent?

(Name Redacted to Protect the Moronic) from Alaska

To be honest, I didn't really know whether to laugh or to be sketched out. I decided to choose the latter and figured my wisest course of action would be to ban his IP from commenting on my blog. For the remainder of time.

However that would take knowing his IP and I couldn't find one.

But then I had a light bulb moment! Ding! and realized I could match the time code of the email to the IP tracker in my blog analytics. (I knew programs like Google Analytics, Statcounter, etc...were for more than inducing crushing despair at realizing no one reads my blog anymore. Except weirdos in Alaska, apparently.)


I was right.

There this person was.

And just like he said, my analytics reported that my new friend was indeed Sarah Palin's neighbour. (Well, okay, the program didn't say that. For all I know, my new friend could be that Levy dork's neighbour.)

I also noted I had a fairly high amount of traffic from Transylvania of all places. I thought only Dracula lived there. Who knew?

As I dug, I noticed that my new friend had a long and storied history of visiting me. I figured my new friend must like checking in to see if I was in the process of cleaning up my language and start the repenting process.

I mean I know that's why my husband keeps reading my blog.

And that's when I noticed that my new friend wasn't just reading my blog from the newest igloo on the block. My new friend was actually using a computer with a trackable IP.

Huh. Looks like I found the one employer who hasn't banned my blog from the work place environment. I wonder if I could get someone up there to talk to someone down here about making sure my blog is available for my husband's place of work. I know my husband would enjoy being able to show all his employees and employers exactly who he is married to.

Ok, probably not. Whatever.


My new friend was quite clearly using government equipment to be, well, creepy.


So here's the deal my new friend whose name shall remain redacted unless you continue to creep me out, I'm very sorry that you are kind of a freak.

Worse, I'm really, really sorry that you spent an ungodly amount of time downloading my image off of my blog than I cared to count. I'm even sorrier to think about what in God's green earth you are doing with your hard drive filled with my face.

Very very sorry.

I don't want to get anyone fired and I certainly don't want to shame anyone.

But you did ask me to repent.

And everyone knows repentance starts with admitting your sins and asking for forgiveness. And crap on a cracker, if that ain't exactly what I'm doing here. So that's what I'll be spending my days doing from now on.


Right after I talk to my banker about saving some African prince and investing in penile enhancers.