The Science of Bread and Pee

I've written a lot about conversations I've had with my children while driving somewhere. We live in the middle of nowhere, so our lives include a lot of vehicle time.

Sometimes, those conversations can be priceless.

Other times, less so.

Like last night's conversation between Fric and Frac as we were making our way home from town.

"Man, I really have to pee. Mom, can you speed it up a bit? I feel like I'm floating here," said one child.

"No way, Mom, take your time! I like driving and listening to the music. When we get home I'll have to clean my room. Drive slower!"

"Seriously Mom, speed this up or you may have an accident to deal with."

"If she speeds it up, there may be another type of accident because speed KILLS. So slow it down Mom!"

Me: Twitching and wishing I had earplugs.

"Hang on, we're almost home. Just another ten minutes or so."

Collectively from both kids: NOOOOO.

Jumby: happily oblivious to all of us. I'm often thankful he's mostly deaf. Lord knows what he'd think of any of us if he actually knew what dorks we all are.

A few moments later: "Mom, you may have to pull over. Someone keeps making the sound of water rushing and I don't know if I can hold it any longer."

Other child: "I'm just trying to let nature take its course. I'm helpful like that."

Me: "Cut it out you two. Quit bugging each other. Don't pee on my leather seats."

*Groans* "I have to pee so badddd."

Other child: "Here, I've got something to help with that," and then rummages through a lunch kit and hands the full-bladdered sibling a piece of bread from a sandwich uneaten earlier that day.

"What exactly am I suppose to do with this?" said mystified child while waving around a piece of whole grain bread with crusty mustard on one side.

"You know, eat it. I figure if you eat the bread it will help soak up the pee. Kinda like sopping up gravy on your plate."

*A few beats of stunned silence.*

"Mom, your child is an idiot!" said as child hurls dried bread slice at sibling's head.

"I am an idiot that doesn't have to pee though!"

"Man am I glad I got the brains in this family. Makes up for the small bladder. Hurry up Mom!"

I really need to pay closer attention to what my children are learning in school.

*Names of siblings have been hidden due to small bladders and dumbassedry.