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Redneck Mommy Does New York

Why did the redneck cross the New York City road?

She saw a Tim Hortons on the other side. True story. Yay for traveling across the continent and into another country just to eat Timbits!

New York was awesome. Which I hadn't really expected. As much as I love to travel, I never honestly wanted to go see New York. The sheer size of the city and the volume of it scared my small city, country bumpkin heart and I would have been happy living out my days never having set foot in the Big Apple.

I'd have missed out. I had a blast.

It helps that I went prepared, thanks to all of y'all. I had proper walking shoes, I was armed with interesting places to go visit and I had an extraordinary travel partner.

What I didn't have was a personal air-conditioner on wheels following me around as I tramped about the city. Holy heck, New York City in the summer is hot. As in hawt. Like boob sweat, ear sweat and every other extremely unsexy sweat imaginable. The heat bounced off all the concrete and my poor Canadian winter loving body just about melted like Frosty the Snowman.

A little boob sweat should never stop a good tourist though and so we walked.

And walked.

And walked some more.

The view from the Empire State Building

Times Square and me. Along with thousands of other snap-happy slightly lost tourists.

Times Square rather disappointed me. Although I did enjoy me some Naked Cowboy shaking his thang in front of me. However, I kept wanting to throw a blanket around him and tell him he's bringing shame to real cowboys everywhere. I mean, please. A straw cowboy hat? Invest in a Stetson and take some pride in your panhandling.

My kids wouldn't let me post the picture of me copping a feel of Liberty's boob. They're fuddy duddies.

My friend and I found the first of the fake Lady Liberty statues dotted around the tourist areas and in a moment of silliness we posed for pictures. Just as my buddy was snapping my picture a clearly concerned homeless man ventured up to us and whispered, "You do know that's not the real Statue of Liberty, right?"

And they say New Yorkers are unfriendly. Please. That bearded dude totally earned a dollar with that tip.

Waiting for a ferry to see the Real Statue of Liberty, thanks to my new tour guide director.

Since I had absolutely no reason to be in New York other than to enjoy myself, my girlfriend and I happily strapped on our tourist hats and toured. We hit all the big tourist attractions, and a lot of the smaller ones. We rode the subway, which smelled very similar to what I imagine a sewer pipe would. In fact, I'm pretty sure if someone urinated in the corner of one of the subway stations that may actually have made it cleaner.

We spent more time wandering off the beaten path, getting hopeless lost and enjoying every minute of it.

It occurred to us half way through our little adventure that the only animals we had seen in our travels was the odd dog on a leash. Right about then is when a pigeon pooped on us, I spilled my drink down my dress and a squirrel started to stalk us. City wildlife makes me twitch and walk around looking like I peed myself.

Crazy eyes. I swear it wanted to jump on my face and rip off my nose.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Or the chick on her back.

After stumbling upon a little art gallery, I found the souvenir I wanted to take home with me. Never mind it cost almost as much as my car. However, when I sent a picture of the little statue to my husband he immediately called back and yelled, "Are you on crack? What is wrong with you?"

I bet if I had sent him a picture of the Bloggess's big metal chicken statue he'd have been all over that and have asked if I could get two so he could plant one on each side of the driveway to pretend they were his personal gargoyles.

There may be a reason the two of us have never invested in any real art.

This is why cell phones and cameras shouldn't be allowed near slightly inebriated people. Dorkiness ensues.

There was food, (oh my god, the food. Amazing.) There may have been some wine. And perhaps a mojito. Or three. But in my defense, we had just spent two hours getting hopelessly lost while wandering about looking for an interesting place to eat. What we found in two hours was a steady stream of Irish Bar and Grills. It was as though all the restaurants in the greater Manhattan area had been transported to the moon and replaced with Irish pubs and maybe the occasional questionable looking noodle house.

I was about to give up on ever sitting down in a non-pub type restaurant when a NYPD officer took pity on us and pointed us in the direction we wanted to be. After asking if he could join us after his shift. It was too bad he was like 12, and I'm like, married with four kids and old. Otherwise, I'd have totally accepted his offer.


So I can officially cross visiting New York off my bucket list, even if it was never really on it. And the best souvenir I brought home with me? The 7 blisters I managed to accumulate on my feet, even after wearing sneakers and old lady walking sandals.

Thank goodness for the Walgreens across the street. Sorry about cleaning out your blister Band-Aid supply. You may want to restock for the next tourist who isn't really prepared for the concrete jungle.

*A big thanks to Isabel, Neil, Barry, James and Jason for going out of their way to take two little tourists under their wings and make our trip memorable. Also, you were missed D.*









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Reader Comments (35)

Glad you had a good time. But what I really want to say is, you look great!

July 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBec

glad you had an awesome time! i LOVE the yellow dress!!!

July 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMIchelle

Ditto what Michelle said, glad you had an awesome time and I to LOVE the yellow dress!! Actually I covet it (if it was fuchsia).

July 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterGaylin

Oh Man. This makes me want to go to NYC even more now. I do wish it wasn't so expensive!

July 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBecca_Masters

I didn't know they still let Canadians into New York?

By the way, it's the Empire STATE Building. ;)

July 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCharlie

It's always hot in the summer but it's not usually THIS hot. Sorry about that. Glad you had a good time! And, yes, what everybody else said about that yellow dress - perfection!

July 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKizz

Looks like fun!
Like so many others all I can think about is that yellow dress! Ooooo! I love!

July 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMelanie

I'm saying it for everyone to hear: You need a travel show. TLC? HGTV? You listening. Get this woman a show. Brilliant.

July 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda

Wow! How exciting!! Loved reading this :) I subscribed to your blog too. (It seems easier than going back and forth through Twitter, haha!) and your poor toes!! I can imagine that hurts, but the memories that you made will last forever, and your toes will eventually heal, which is always a good thing. Thanks for sharing, maybe one day I can get out of the south and adventure further out than my local Wal-mart :)

July 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJenna

That. is. AWESOME!!! Now I totally want to go and take my Fun Girl posse!!!

You do know about my Fun Girl Posse, don't you?


In the banner pictures, I'm the one with hair that is sort of reddish.

July 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSusan in the Boonies

Glad you had a great time here (and today it's 95 with an index of 107 degrees). You managed to find our most photogenic pigeon, Alan, and our testiest squirrel, Pierre, who appreciate the pix and send their regards! And you taught me something-Tim Horton's! In New York! I did not know and I love Tim Horton's...yum.

July 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKelly

My friend Ari is a NYC cop. I'm pretty much 100% sure he's the one who ask for a dinner invite. That sounds like him. He's my favorite sketchball!

Glad you had fun!!!! Also, What's Tim Hortons? Is it bad that I've never seen one? or been to one?

July 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMolly

Glad you had fun! I also loved the yellow dress!!! Made your boobs look big! :)

July 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPam

You are too funny! But you did make me wanna go visit NY - but when it's cooler.

I can do 108 degrees here in the West of Texas.

July 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterThatJanieGirl

That looks great! Wish I'd been there. Or that you'd been there last time I was there, which was last August.

July 21, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermuskrat

So glad you enjoyed yourself! Those are some awesome pictures and stories. Although I'm disappointed you didn't post the one of you feeling Lady Liberty up, that statue pretty much makes up for it.

July 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKimberly

you look stunning in that dress! and i'm really glad that was a picture of the blister bandaids and not the actual blisters, like i thought at first glance :)

July 21, 2011 | Unregistered Commentersierra

My favorite picture in this post? The one with you in the yellow dress. I'm not usually a keen fan of yellow but I really liked this dress on you. The color was very attractive as was the style and I didn't think those sandals are an "old lady" style at all - lol.

I'm glad you had a good time in NYC. I grew up Hicksville, Michigan but we worked during our Junior/Senior years to go to Washington DC which included a stop over in NYC. It was great. It was 1965 so we went to see Hello Dolly, the My Fair Lady movie and The Golden Cadillac (I think) at Radio City Music Hall. Heady stuff for farming kids.

I recently talked to some friends who were on that trip. You know what we remembered most? We saw our first gay couple on the Subway. Poor guys. They must have thought they'd died and gone to Hell. We actually followed them for like five blocks. They sould have charged us a gawking fee - lol.

July 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLindaSalem

Ha! "boob sweat" is horrible. Do not feel sexy when that happens! I'm a little jealous of your trip - I am definitely adding it to my bucket list. And yea, I agree - love the yellow dress :)

July 22, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterzoe

I am in love with that yellow dress! It's so purty. Very Mad Men-esque...and oh yeah, New York is not bad either.

And to think yesterday when we talked on twitter all I could think of was "don't tell her your boobs are all sweaty right now!"

I clearly need to remove you from this fucking pedestal I placed you on. Of course I too have a redneck roots so that pedestal is made out of used tires that fit in the front of the lawn, topped with, you guessed it! A porcelain throne!

July 22, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterUntypically Jia

Dorkiness rules! (as if you didn't know)

July 22, 2011 | Unregistered Commentersumo

If you ever want a tour guide in Chicago.....

July 22, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJFS in IL

Glad you had a fun trip! NYC is a cool place - I have only been once but I actually got to sing in Carnegie Hall while I was there. amazing.

July 22, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCarolina John

Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry I missed you. (I've read your blog for years, although I never comment.) I live in NYC and work in Times Square. The fake Statue of Liberty is between my (stinky) subway exit and my office.
I would have loved to have met you or at least given you some touring and restaurant tips. Unfortunately, I was in Japan for most of July, so I wasn't here and didn't even know you were going to New York until you got back.
Oh well, sounds like you had a great time without my help and that my fellow New Yorkers did a good job taking care of you.

P.S. - Japan was great. If you get the chance to go, do.

July 22, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterGimlet in NYC

oh goodness I love your yellow dress!

July 23, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterharmony

That yellow dress is divine!
I know it's a cliche' but I love New York, would love to have a few days just to wander. And I would wear comfortable shoes too, you have to.

July 24, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermonstergirlee

I too LOVE that yellow dress! Where did you get it? Can I buy it online and have it shipped all the way to me in New Zealand?

Thanks for taking us with you on your adventures to NYC ... some of us live a little bit too far away to ever get there.

July 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTori

Hi! You wrote that you spent two hours getting hopelessly lost and finding only Irish Bar and Grills and the occasional noodle house. As a lifetime New Yorker I have to ask: Where the heck were you? Perhaps around 32 - 35 streets between 7th and 5th? That's one area full of endless pubs. Is this the same "dead zone" that helped kill your feet?

You are a fantastic story teller!... I hope your feet feel better!
take care,

July 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

I have a picture somewhere pretty much just like that Band-Aid one. I was too stupid to even take tennis shoes to NYC.

July 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRobyn

Looks like a great trip!
It wasn't just NYC that was HOT! All of eastern Canada/States was just the same. It was around 37-38C, PLUS the humidex, in southern Ontario, for almost two weeks. However, early this morning, we had a LONG thunderstorm and it's come down to 21C. Uh huh.

July 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTracyKM

and next you are coming to visit me.


OMG please say yes.

(or you can totally fund a trip for me to come and see you, I can deal with that)


I love 12 year old NYPD cops :) So friendly. Once while visiting my brother I was walking down the street and I got a classic "how you doin'" from a cute one. Made my day. Best. city. ever!
Just discovered your blog and love it. I am ignoring unpacking and cleaning while laughing, crying and shooting coffee out my nose. Thanks for sharing yourself with us!

July 28, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterVoula Martin

Glad you had a good time in New York, T.

Next time, you should visit Washington, DC... this city can be big fun.

July 29, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterGunfighter

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