I Think I Owe My Dentist An Apology

I've never one to be embarrassed easily. I think part of that has to do with growing up with an older brother who took great glee in publicly tormenting me as often as possible and part of it has to do with watching my grown father chase a former boyfriend down the city sidewalk while bellowing obscenities and sporting nothing but some dirty tighty whities.

My skin, it is thick. Which makes it possible to regale my readers with odes of boob whiskers, blue nether regions and everything else that falls in between.

I've posed nude for a charity calendar while I was at my heaviest non-pregnancy weight ever. And I didn't blink.

I've walked around with an assortment of bad hair styles and colours, even once resembling a giant oreo cookie. And my ego remained intact.

I currently wear a training-sized bra and write about it on the internet and I'm cool with that.

But these past few days have been a challenge for me.

It's all fun and games until someone loses a tooth.

My vanity has taken a hit.

That's right dear internet, I finally found my threshold for embarrassment and it turns out toothlessness is the line.

That sucker is huge! As is the giant gaping hole in my mouth!

It's not that anyone can see my giant missing molar. Even when I smile my widest, all my teeth appear to be where they are supposed to be. But in my head, I know my dirty little secret.

I'm one tooth shy of a full smile. I've started down the road from a full set of choppers to the place where I become a toothless woman no one wants, begging hairy truckers in the back of a Walmart parking lot to let me give them gummers, five dollars a pop.

Okay, hopefully not.


I'm becoming my father.

I've crossed the line from calling myself a redneck mommy into actually morphing into a real redneck.

I'm a .... toothless wonder. Just like my Jumbster.

Hi. I'm Tanis and I've an extra hole in my head.

And for once, I'm kinda embarrassed to type that out for the world to read.

Although, I'm probably not as embarrassed as my dentist was when I asked him if he was well practiced at tugging on things.

Or when, after rubbing vaseline on my lips, I made a flip remark about being lubed up and ready to go.

Turns out I can lose a tooth, just never my inappropriate sense of humour. Or my sense of shame.

Just ask my gynecologist. He'll tell you.