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Wednesday
Jun152011

Have a Whopper. On Me.

Every so often I have to venture out of my house, off my property and into the big bad city to do something known as grocery shopping. It is a well-documented fact that I hate grocery shopping. I hate shopping unless it involves the comfort of my couch, my computer and Etsy.

But the law says since I have three children who follow me around and call me Mommy that I am legally obligated to feed them. Foraging for berries only works at certain times of the year and since I live on the edge of the North Pole, it'll still be weeks before any berries can be foraged.

This leaves me in a bit of a bind because unless my children don't mind eating up the spilled remains of dog kibble which have rolled into the corners of the pantry (and they do) I actually need to purchase food items.

Kids these days. So damn demanding.

I probably wouldn't mind grocery shopping so much if I could do it in my pajamas. My pajamas consist of my birthday suit and a bathrobe. They should institute a day for naked grocery shopping. Just think of the fun of the freezer section!

Ahem.

So, with my grocery cart laden with necessary food items for my children (milk, bread, eggs and fruit) and unnecessary food for myself (think Froot Loops, Oreos and ice cream sandwiches. I find these items are best for putting that special jiggle in my arse cheeks when I walk. Dudes dig it.) I made my way to the check out, where I stood in line like a cow waiting for slaughter and wasted countless minutes of my life reading the covers of gossip magazines (Angelina is having Brad's three headed baby and Jennifer is plotting to steal it!)

The line was moving slowly and I was growing annoyed. I briefly scanned the other lines to see if they were moving faster but it looked as though everything was at a standstill. So there I stood, waiting.

When one waits, one has nothing to do. Except read about Angelina's three-headed baby, which I admit, doesn't terribly interest me. I have four kids, one is invisible, one has super powers and the other two act like they have three heads at all times. So I snoop at what other people are purchasing.

Because that is what interests me.

And that's when I noticed him.

The man in front of me with a grocery cart filled entirely with cases and boxes of Whoppers. Absolutely nothing else but Whoppers. In fact, he had so many Whoppers he needed TWO carts. 15 cases filled with boxes of the candy as well as 20 loose boxes.


I know because I listened as the cashier counted them.

The total tally for his Whoppers?

$701. 92

What made the Whoppers so interesting is the man purchasing the candy was quite clearly a Hutterite. Hutterites shun technology and my society in general, so I know he wasn't buying them to resell in his own store.

So what does one rural farmer need with over 700 dollars and thousands of Whoppers?


Also, I'm totally that girl who is judging you on what's in your cart.

Best whopper one liner wins a 100-dollar gift card to Amazon.com supplied by my husband's hard earned cash.

Because every one needs a little whopper now and then.

*Winner chosen at my whim, no entry limitations, announced on Friday, June 17. Just amuse me and you could win. Contest open to anyone who has a valid email address and shops at amazon.com*
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Reader Comments (158)

Had one...but I'm too busy chuckling.. :)

"Is that a whopper in your cart or...."

I'm lame.

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterShredderFeeder

Oh and you posted it in "G-Rated" While the post is, I'm betting many of the comments will not be..

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterShredderFeeder

Maybe he uses them as fertilizer?

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJenni Williams

Maybe it's for a mating ritual dance where the young folks throw Whoppers at each other. Like the fish slapping song/dance from Spamalot.

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJen Anderson

I know some really good whopper recipes, whopper milkshakes, whopper cupcakes, whopper cookies ...

LOL sorry Tanis totally lame but really cute post :)

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLanis

at least he paid for them, we used to bust them for shoplifting wafer cookies all the time when I was a cashier!
could have been a bridal dowry...

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterVicki

He's working on his candy castle. He's been addicted to the game Candyland, since the age of three and he's been dreaming of making his own candy Castle. This was only one of many, many large candy purchases.

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterIssa

I now have this strange and inexplicable craving for Whoppers.

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRoberta

One step beyond blue balls--chocolate covered balls.

I was waiting for the part where he had 100 coupons for them and they were free...

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterThe Dalai Mama

He's knitting hordes of those yarn sheep, pigs and cows that poop out a Whopper when you squeeze them.

Hordes of them.

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRuaidh

How about a whopping cupful of what went through your head

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMallory

World's biggest gingerbread man?

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCarie in Kansas

Clearly, he is the Burger King of the Hutterites.

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMandy

I really want a whopper milkshake now.

"Hey baby, have I got a whopper for YOU..."

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterthepsychobabble

Too bad there is no WHOPPER in your pants!

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSteff

On another note (i.e., NOT a Whopper) when we go shopping and we're bored, we pick up various and sundry items from the pharmacy area (think lubricants, condoms, *adult* toys) and drop them into the carts of unsuspecting shoppers. This mainly involves the aisle hogs who can't let anybody past them as they shop, or the people that just have to get something off the shelf behind your cart and won't wait the 3 seconds until you've passed it.

Picture the face of the 80 years old man trying to explain to his similar aged wife why there is a gross of condoms in the cart when they are trying to check out.

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRuaidh

That is one whopper of a purchase!!!!

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKristina

Heyaaaa, I see we share the same obsession...*wink*wink*

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSarah Leigh

His daughter is likely getting married. The agreement was for a "whopper" of a dowry.....

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLaura Semeniuk

Are these what makes bacon so special??

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTammy

When I was a kid growing up in BC, we would occasionally spend summer vacations in my dad's ancestral homeland of central Alberta. On these occasions, if my brother and I acted up at all, Dad would threaten to sell us to the Hutterites. Being ten or eleven years old or so, I had no idea what Hutterites were. I lived in terror of being sold to what I thought might have been mole people.

We actually live not too far from a colony and I'm tempted to stop by for a lamb and casual Whopper conversation, just in case the Whopper phenomenon isn't unique to your Hutterites (not that one can own their own, but you know).

(Also, I occasionally buy Whoppers because it's the ONE THING my husband will not eat.)

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTracy

He must be planning for a "Whopper" of a day!

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNorthern's Lady

Looks like this is one....
*puts on sunglasses*
Whopper of a purchase
YYYYEYEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKendra

He must have been on a "whopper" of a extreme couponing trip!

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSarcasm in Action

Whopper?? I hardly know her!

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLacy Hunt

...something something MALTED MILK BALLS something something...

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

Buddy: "Hey, Joe, looks like you're gonna have a whopper of a crop this year!"

Joe bolts to the nearest store to hunt for whoppers to plant.

(sounded better in my head)

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterShawna

A whopper is better than a 'Wiener'!

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLinda Goossen

On a mission for Ben and Jerry's, picking up the balls for the new Schweddy Balls ice cream.

A bet he has a whopper of an arse jiggle.

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPam

Aww, how sweet, his wife is finally getting that Whopper he promised her on their wedding night!

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLaurie

"That's not what I meant when I said get some balls."

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSue

Someone saw him stalking angrily around the town, and told him he should have a whopper of a good time by balling his wife. This is the first thing he thought of.

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCrickett

He's setting up a miniature edible bowling alley!

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRebKas

Too tired can't think of anything funny. Except he's got a whopper of a story to tell his buddies.

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterkasi

That's the last time his wife will make him grocery shop.

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterkasi

My guess is a huge vat of Whopper Mudslides. Hell, if I had no technology, I would need one heck of a drink too.

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBecoming-mommy

Hmmm, maybe a new "Whopper Boss" position just opened up in his colony and he's going for that promotion! Go get it, Whopper Boy!!

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJackie S.

I don't have a clue why he needed all this whopper for, but if I get the gift card I can get 5 boxes of Whopper at amazon.com huuummmmmm

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRenata

They plump and then melt in your mouth and not in your hand!!

(so he's probably buying them for his wife!)

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie

Poor loving, aims to please Harold always took his wife literally. This was embarassingly difficult during his wife's pregnancy.

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRuss Jones

Hogarth's wife always told him how much she enjoyed the grocer's son's Chocolate Schwetty balls. He decided he wanted to try some for himself.

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAlessa

I don't have any comments to add except to snore wine out of my nose from the other comments!

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNordic Girl 2

He discovered Whoppers taste better than lamb testicles.

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRuaidh

That guy is seriously ballin'

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterHawi

He must be planning to feed them to his cows. How else would you get a chocolate malt?

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterElizabeth

There's going to be a huge How Many Whoppers Can You Fit into Your Mouth at Once competition back at the farm.

With business at Maple Leaf Pediatric Dentistry down, Dr. Hershey had plenty of time give talks at the local elementary schools. And with the right supplies, he knew business would soon be up again.

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBrassyDel

Improving the flavor of anal beads...

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRuaidh

From Wikipedia: (Hutterites) "Over 125 years their population grew from 400 to around 42,000".

The belief whoppers contraceptive powers remains firm in rural North America ....

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered Commenteraka k

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