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Be Careful What You Wish For

My husband and I haven't seen each other for 43 days. That's six weeks plus a day for those of you who suck at simple math.

This isn't the longest stretch we've gone without seeing each other, but it's close. In fact, unless he gets home by tomorrow night, which he won't, by the time he does walk through our front door, a new record will have been set.

It's not exactly a record I'm in any hurry to beat.

This legally-married yet still single parenting gig sucks after six straight weeks of yelling at the kids to clean up their bedrooms, stop touching each other, stop breathing in each other's air space and for the love of my sanity quit hiding the Oreo's on one another.

It's not funny when I can't find them dammit.

Last night he texted me to tell me he may or may not be home in time for Mother's day.

"That's really helpful. Which is it? Home by Sunday or no?" I texted back.

"Depends on how things go up here."

"Well things aren't going so well down HERE so I suggest you make it happen and come home."

"Sounds like you miss me."

"I miss having a responsible adult under this roof."

"The kids hid the cookies again didn't they?"

"THEY WONT TELL ME WHERE THEY ARE!! The inmates are running the asylum dude!"

"You could persuade me to come home you know."

"I can call and yell at you?"

"NO. I meant, tell me why you MISS me. Give me a little sugar baby."


"That isn't what I meant Tanis."

"Fine. I miss you. Nixon keeps licking his invisible nuts in bed at night and it is driving me crazy."

"Wow. That's sexy. NOT."

"Sorry. I just meant it isn't the same sleeping next to an asslicker. I'd much rather be cuddled up next to you. You tend to have less gas."

"You are so romantic Tanis."

"I try Boo."

"How bout a picture to remind me of what I have waiting for me when I get home?"

"How about NOT."

"I'm up here working 16 hour days, 7 days a week. Be a good wife. I really miss you."

"And this is why I was pregnant at 20 and unwed. I succumbed to your PEER PRESSURE."

"You enjoyed it."

He had me there. I enjoyed it so much I got pregnant four months later after giving birth to my daughter. Dang him and his memory.

The phone buzzed again.

"Picture please."


"That toothless 60 year old woman I work with is starting to look good Tanis. I need an intervention."

"Have at 'er. Gummers are awesome."


"Just sayin'."


"Pretty please?"

"I'll detail your car for you when I get home."

"You'll do that anyways since it'll be mother's day."

"Fine. I'll detail your car, clean the gutters and wash, fold and put away all the laundry."

"Will you also take the garbage to the dump, caulk that window I've been hounding you about, wash the floor behind the stove AND grill a steak for me without whining about it?"


"Okay, hang on. I have to take the picture."


"Alright. Here it goes. Me in my glory. This is what you have been missing. I love you Boo."



"Just be happy I didn't take one of my legs. I haven't shaved those puppies since I was in Spain. Hurry home Boo. I need some help braiding these hairs."

"Lucky me."

And that is how I keep the romance alive between us.

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Reader Comments (51)

lol. I love this. rofl

May 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterToni

I've clearly been going about this 'sexting' business all wrong!! Off to save my marriage with some hot foot photos. :)


May 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMama Kat

Wow, nice toe hair. I thought I was the only Hobbit around. Hope you and the husband are reunited soon. Or that you at least find your cookies.

May 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKarl

We do what we have to do, don't we?

But literalists who also know how to sabotage have more fun.

Glorious. Absolutely Glorious!!

At least you cut your nails.

May 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNeil

bahaha! thanks for the laugh!! i do hope he makes it home in time for mothers day though!!

OMG!!!! I am totally LMAO!!! That is awesome!!

May 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBecky

I needed a good laugh! Awesome.

May 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKrista

OMG, you have got to shave that off. Horrific!

May 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAmy

lol I love it!!! YOur blog keeps me laughing..I have been a single mom to a 12 yr old ( special needs ) since 2009 I swear there are days I want to run away..
Thanks for keeping me laughing :)

May 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSara

Hilarious. :)

May 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPattie


I love it when you tell stories about you and Boo!!! Hope he gets home for Mother's Day and that you have a wonderful day!!!


May 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTerri

I am so proud of you! That has to be the best thing I've seen in a while.

May 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBubbleGirl

Me and the long hair in my chinny-chin-chin love this!

May 4, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermom-mom-mom

He is indeed a lucky man.

May 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTravis Erwin

1. Hide your own bag of cookies.
2. Boo's a lucky, lucky man.

Happy Mother's Day

May 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBrenda

Love the artistic nude shot, I may have to save that for the creepers.

Thanks for making me laugh, your posts are a great pick-me-up during my workdays.

May 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNihilady

Oh goodness gracious me! Lucky Boo knows you are a babe... off to check the state of my toe hairs!

May 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBush Babe

Oh thank you. Once again you have made me giggle!

May 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTracy

This may be the best thing I have read all week!!! Lol

May 4, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermichelle

Love it! (:

May 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDori

You're awesome. He's a lucky man.

May 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterStacey

Ok you should be giving romance classes! Loved it, I read the whole thing to my hubby........ he laughed too.

Thanks for giving us a giggle!!

May 4, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterkellyjean9

Oh Tanis. You have no idea how much I needed this laugh today. Today was the day that one three year old took a massive shit in her panties (that required a 20 minute bath), ate a whole fucking box of tic tacs, played in moldy water in the back yard, decided that a mash potato masque is great for her skin, then took a bath in the bathroom sink. All within 3 hours.

This laugh? MUCH appreciated!

May 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLisaUnfiltered

Thank you! This had me chuckling out loud for more than the socially acceptable 20 seconds. I actually have photos of my right foot BECAUSE I really like the pedicure -- NOW I have a great alternate use for it! Thanks!

Love your work!

May 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSusanne

You just made my day. And my husband does hide my cookies...and he tells me I need to watch the Hallmark Channel to become more ladylike, I envy you that your husband does not hide the cookies. Thanks for the laugh!

May 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBex

OMG... thank you soo much for the laugh! I so needed that.

Oh and My kids eat all the cookies before I even have a second thought at them.

May 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCherie

Awesome...long distance relationships definitely take a toll, you are not alone. Well except with the toe hair. You are on your own with that chickie :)

May 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRedneck Princess

I Love it! I hope you find the cookies soon...for everyone's sake.

May 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRachel

Haha! Nice!

May 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKaty YO

I only just discovered your blog and have spent some time perusing it only to discover that we must be mind sisters or something! You are fantastic and I say with complete honesty that, ethically, that is the only picture you could have possibly sent.

May 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJodi

Well, if he isn't home for Mother's Day we can keep each other company via Twitter. Briefcase won't be home for a couple more weeks. I'll either have a pity party or go out shopping on Mother's Day .... I think the shopping will win!

That was hi-larious!!

May 5, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterE

Well you could always dye your pubic hairs blue and send him pictures of that. Well, you've already done the blue dye thing soooo I guess that just leaves the pics - then - lol.

May 5, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLindaSalem

That was just wrong!

May 5, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterGunfighter

That made me laugh so hard. Hilarious!

May 5, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

He IS a lucky man!

May 5, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

My husband and I have those same txt conversations! Luv it!! Glad to see we are the only family out there that puts the fun in dysfunctional!!

May 5, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTiffany

You know... you should totally use some of that leftover blue dye on those long luscious locks and see how hubby reacts.

Bonus points if you stage the reveal in the middle of him taking a big sip of a tasty beverage.

May 5, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNihilady

ugh. you crack me up and gross me out simultaneously.

May 5, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterShannonannon

holy schnigles WTF is up with the stray toe hair there????? please tell my your cat had just rubbed up against your foot!!

May 5, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermycrazylife

I just discovered your blog and I've been reading through the archives. Its entirely possible that I love you. Seriously....lol
You are AMAZING!

May 5, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMeg

I hate to admit that I enjoy my husband's business trips - cheerios for dinner...no half-assed hurry to hide shit in the closet before he gets home at night and usually I use that time to do something in the house that I am not sure he would really approve of - like using a hand saw to cut a hole in what was supposed to be a sit down vanity counter in our bathroom (I don't even wear makeup...who uses that space??)so I could slide a cabinet in there to hold the towels that I used to have to run dripping and naked to the hall closet to get when I would forget to bring one with me. BUT 6 weeks is a loooong time - my relationship with my kids could go seriously wrong in that amount of time. Hope he makes it home.

May 6, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterget going girly

I. can't. stop. laughing.

May 6, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKelly

WOW! That hair on your toe is spectacular! I have never grown toe hair like that, what is your secret? I laugh so hard at your blog, seriously, sometimes I pee myself. You are an inspiration, keep it up.

May 7, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterheather

Gross. Real. Funny. Good.

May 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTheresa

Posts like this remind me why I love you. Such brutal honesty and damn funny at the same time.

Now go shave!!

May 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterC.C. Chapman

A toe comb-over! Cool!

May 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnnie

Best. Post. Ever.
Cannot Stop Laughing!!!!!!!

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