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Monday
May302011

Adrift in a Sea of Boobs

It's happening.

My boy is turning into a man. It's not like I didn't see it coming or anything. I woke up one morning and the child was suddenly three inches taller than me. Other clues have been dropped along the way as well. His sudden preoccupation with Axe body spray. The half naked chick straddling a motorcycle poster that suddenly appeared on his bedroom walls.

The signs of puberty have long been flashing in their garish neon hues that my middle child has purchased a ticket on the hormone train, riding those tracks straight to manhood.

I, however, as the foolish momma I am, have chosen to turn a blind eye to the loss of my Lego-building, dinky car driving, sandbox loving boy child by telling myself, "This is just another phase in his boyhood."

Boyhood my ass. Frac is a blink away from trading his boy chip in for a full-fledged man card.

If I had any doubts about that, yesterday erased them all.

It started like any other Sunday before it. The day was filled with sunshine and laughter. Our plans were to spend the day at the local community hall's carnival fundraiser. There was a bouncy house, an inflatable slide, hayrides, and face painting. Families from all over the area flocked to our community hall for some good old-fashioned fun.

It was an opportunity for me to parade my children around and preen on how lovely they are and picnic with my family alongside old friends.

One girl foiled it all.

A girl with boobs.

I finally understand my son's newly developed preoccupation with Katy Perry. I suspect it has nothing to do with the quality of her music.


Frac took one look at her and spent the rest of the day following her around like a lost puppy and refusing to acknowledge my existence.

At first I thought I was taking his behaviour too personally. I overlooked the fact this she-child was charming my son with her wholesome good looks. I told myself Frac has known this girl since before he was potty trained. He's just happy to see an old friend.

But when he and I stood side by side in the potato sack race as this girl stood at the finish line waiting to see who the winner would be, my son looked at me and said, "I'm winning this race." He said it emphatically and seriously and I laughed and adjusted my potato sack and said, "We will just see, young man. We will just see." I may be old, but if my kid thought I was going to forgo winning a shiny plastic dollar store medal alongside a lollipop and the bragging rights of being the Community's Best Potato Sack Jumper, he had another thing coming.

With a "On your mark, Get set, Go!" we were off as family and friends sat on the sidelines cheering us on.

I was winning. Age may not have been on my side, but years of potato sack racing experience were. I didn't have to battle the clumsiness of a growing body. I was sure footed in my sack, hopping as though my life depended on it.

I was in first place, set to win the race, driven by skill and spurred on by ego. There was no way I was going to let some teenager or toddler win this race. My son was hot on my heels and I was set to school the boy on how to win picnic-related activities.

And then it happened.

He reached forward and grabbed my sack and pulled me backwards. I tumbled down like a sack of oranges spilling in the produce section.

"FRAC!" I yelped as I scrambled to right myself and hop towards the finish line.

He hopped around me and yelled over his shoulder, "Sorry Mom! All's fair in the potato sack race!" As he bounced his way to victory his little friend cheered him on.

I huffed my way to the finish line, a sorry third place by now, and watched my son preen in front of the girl with the boobs.

My kid literally pushed his own mother down to impress a girl.

If he could have jumped on me too, I'm sure he would have.

The rest of the day was spent watching my son flirt shamelessly with the vixen who bewitched him with her womanly curves. He was oblivious to all else. My hair could have been on fire and he wouldn't have spared me a second glance. He was too busy mooning over her.

It would seem my son has finally received his TEENAGER stamp in his passport of life. My once intelligent, articulate son has now been replaced by some boob-obsessed puberty-addled man-child who is slave to the pheromones tossed off by any young female with chesticles in his vicinity.

My husband, however, has never been more proud.

"I always knew he'd be a boob man. The apple never does fall far from the tree," Boo smiled. I swear his chest puffed up with pride. Right before some chick with big boobs wearing a bikini on television distracted him.

What a boob.
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Reader Comments (38)

I feel your pain. My son is 16 and even though he hasn't pushed me out of the way yet, I feel it coming any day now. My husband is a boob man too. Makes me worry as I get older and the boobs get younger. sigh.

May 30, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermissy

I have the flu and I know this post would be better for me than any decongestant. Wait until he discovers the wonders of the Internet. And I'm not talking about blogging.

May 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNeil

OMG, I'm so not ready for this kinda stuff! Thank goodness I've got a few years since my little guy's only 2, but then again, I'm sure he'll be ogling every bouncy chest he encounters in what will seem like the blink of an eye!

May 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDani

I too feel your pain, times 2. Invisible I am, neither 14 yr old can see me. Keep your head up though, my 23 yr old found me again when he was away from home, so the Mom blinders comes off.

May 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterStacie

Oh, Sweet God. I have two 11 year old boys. I could be killed by this kind of behavior.

May 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLana | WoodbridgeOC

I'm sure you're mistaken. She must have a great personality!

The. Nerve. Of. Him.

Growing up like that.

What are they THINKING those sons of ours????

May 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSusan in the Boonies

Bwaahahahahahaha!

Sorry, T!

I'm a boob man, too.

May 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterGunfighter

What a twerp! Next time, put a snake in his sack.

May 30, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermuskrat

Goodness this makes me thankful that I have girls and that young men can't flaunt their penis without getting arrested. On the other hand it also makes girls more curious....I'm doomed aren't I?

May 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKat

I found out years later that the Playboys I thought my Mom never knew about had been found early on in their existence. The only reason I had them was because when she found them and took them to my Father he told her to "leave him be, the poor boy hasn't been able to sleep on his stomach for two years and probably wouldn't for many more."

May 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterEngineerBob

My 8 yr old is a boob man. LOVES teenage girls. He is young enough that they still think he is cute.

May 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterGrandeMocha

bahahahaha! Don't know what's funnier - your post or the comments you're getting from it! Thanks for the laughs!

May 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNicola

I think my son has been a boob man since he was about 9 months old. I remember watching his head swivel in the grocery store when some bodacious ta-tas came into view. He's only 7 now, but I swear a buxom blonde could wrap him around her finger in 14 seconds flat.

The good news is that Frac will go through puberty before Max, so I'll be much better prepared. :)

May 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSassyO

My son is now 4yrs old. I think he's growing up too fast and before you know it, he's also a teenager just like your young man. His mother all but forgotten, playing court to a young vixen. I hope they stay babies forever.

May 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterParker School

I'm guessing that she's just the right height that when he puts his arm around her shoulders his hand falls...in place.

Great post Tanis.

Glenn

May 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterGlenn Kelley

My son's only two and I already foresee things like this happening to me. He's a shameless flirt when he sees some of my coworkers. He already knows which ones are attractive...and he likes the ones with big boobs the best.

May 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRoni

Can't say anything, I'm with him.

May 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterShredderFeeder

Great post! I have to laugh because I know it wasn't my stellar personality that attracted my husband to me in our teen years..... I learned early the value of large fun bags.
My daughter, though only two, has already learned how to leave the boys drooling. Everyday when I pick her up from preschool at least two boys are flopping all over themselves to open the door for her.
If she is this successful now......

May 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAmber

Just wait.. Asking your 17 YO daughter if she is in need of condoms before we get to the Dr. Appt for birth control, my eyes & ears bled! Fact, your children will eventually have sex! Not a pretty picture in m mind when I remember her painting clad only in a diaper!

May 30, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterdeb young

LA LA LA LA LA
*fingers jammed in ears*
:-)
BB

May 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBush Babe

Hi, I've only recently stumbled across your blog and have found it interesting. I'm a wee away from my boys hitting manhood (i hope) But this had me smile with a laugh.

May 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterVyx

Wow! Boob indeed;) He He. . .my 3 year old was trying to convince me the other day that he could breastfeed our youngest. . .just cause he had a nipple. . .I don't know if I can handle anything more at this point! ahhhhh:)

May 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterColleen

Hahahahh...Oh I so feel where you are right now, I have a 20 year old and a 16 year old, both boys...help me.

May 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRedneck Princess

Oh, God. You mean this is what I have to look forward to?!? Screw that. I'm going to make him stay a baby.

May 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

Good lad. Got his priorities straight (well, them too). Send him to Ukraine. This is girl watching country to die for. Canadian and American males think they have died and gone to heaven.

May 31, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterThe Blog Fodder

That was so funny... It made me LOL.. Thanks I needed that!
I hope you all had a wonderful Memorial Day Weekend!
Take care,

May 31, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

Such a great post - so funny, yet so understanding of this rite of passage. My favorite line: "It would seem my son has finally received his TEENAGER stamp in his passport of life."

May 31, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRoberta

I had to totally laugh ~ we are at the same stage with our TWO teenage boys. I'm SO outnumbered in this house!

We were talking about a particular tart in one of my son's classes. When I pointed out that it must be hard to concentrate in class with her beside him with the revealing tops... he blushed and replied with "I hadn't noticed, but I can tell you her eyes are Blue!" LMAO. Nice cover, son! ;P

May 31, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRhonda

It's not his fault. We are defenseless when it comes to boobs.

May 31, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDC Urban Dad

I like boobs AND Legos. Of course my affinity for Legos kind of diminishes my opportunities to enjoy boobs. Life is a cruel bitch.

May 31, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBusyDad

Pushed you down,indeed! I will have to have words with my boys before then - no pushing The Mamma!! My husband was watching a comic yesterday who said 9 year old boys are the most tortured souls since they don't know what to do with it yet. I cannot imagine my almost-7 yo like that in a couple of years - I think I need to go lay down!

May 31, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJulie | A Clear Sign

My son is also a boob boy at 2 years old. He regularly stops to stare at curvy women on tv. I try to keep it on Disney but he's got a thing for Selena Gomez. I can't win.

May 31, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

[...] ~ Adventures of a Red Neck Mom [...]

God help me.

June 1, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterZak

You'll be a redneck granny in no time.

June 1, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMr. Beer N. Hockey

Fantastic post! :) Very engaging. I like your style...

June 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMatthew Drake

Sounds like you guys have a great camaraderie. That's great.

June 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJohn Valenty

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