For My Child

I am so sorry.

I'm sorry I couldn't protect you.

I'm sorry I couldn't give you the childhood you deserve.

I am so sorry for each strip of innocence that has been torn away from you before you were ready.

I'm sorry for dead brothers. For battered babies. For grown up atrocities committed against you.

I'm so sorry I couldn't be a better dragon slayer for you.

I'm sorry for every tear you have cried, for every wound you have received, for each and every scar you now bear.

I'm sorry your father and I couldn't protect you from all that life has thrown at our family, and I'm sorry I won't be able to protect you from everything that looms in your far off distance future.

I am sorry for the flashing lights, the lawyers and the courtroom.

I'm so very sorry for every nightmare you've had because of this. For the fear you still carry deep in your heart.

For the pain you endured and likely will still endure for days to come.

I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you from any of this.

But I am so proud of you, my child.

I'm proud of your resilience and your strength.

I'm proud of the way you stood up and said, "This was wrong."

I'm proud that you wanted the truth to ring loud and clear. I'm proud you stood up there, alone and vulnerable and withstood the battery of a trial in the hopes this would never happen to any one else.

I am in awe of your bravery. Your dignity. I don't know that if our places were reversed I'd have the strength to endure all that you have.

I'm in awe of your dogged perseverance of joy.

I'm in awe that even in your most vulnerable moments you clung to your truth and held fast like a beacon of light in a storm.

You have a grace about you that you likely don't see just yet, but I hope one day you will.

You shine in a way I never will, never could. I'm amazed that you're mine.

I love you so much, and so much more with each day that passes.

I am so, so proud to be your mother.

And yet.


I am so very, very sorry.