Amazing Things

Every once in a while I am sitting alone in the quiet of my house and I flashback to when I was nineteen and stupid and let myself be convinced to eat the worm out of a really bad bottle of tequila for my friends' amusement at a house party. I'd like to say I had the good sense to only pretend to swallow the fermented insect, but the memory of it's rubbery texture haunts my tongue to this day.

What makes this memory even more spectacularly hideous is I'm fairly convinced the worm was found out back in my friend's garden and placed in the tequila bottle earlier that night by the hyena's I called friends. They were just waiting for someone dumb enough to choke it back.

This little memory only proves what my big brother Stretch has always known. I am the most gullible idiot out there.

For the record, I'm no longer a fan of tequila. Or worms.

Besides my alarming stupidity and spectacularly dopey teenaged behaviour, I am still amazed that at one point in my life, I looked at a bottle of booze, saw a dead bug floating about and thought to myself, 'looks good!'.

I like to think I've matured a bit over the last fifteen years, but no matter how wise I become, there is always something new and fascinating that amazes me.

Like the bum bra. Which I had never heard of until another blogger mentioned it on twitter. (Who ever said spending time on twitter was wasteful was obviously wrong. *cough*Boo*cough*)

I don't know what amazes me more. The fact that someone thought of something to lift and separate the cheeks or the fact that when I saw this I actually considered purchasing one to see if it works. Then again, my arse currently sags almost as much as my boobs which is a feat in amazement all of itself.

Then there is the Wine Rack. Lindsay Ferrier wrote about this a while back and I just haven't been able to forget about it's existence.

It's like a water bra gone wrong. How thirsty would one have to be to wear this contraption? And how could one wear it inconspicuously while sucking out it's contents? Not only would your date think you are cheap (in every sense of the word,) but he'd likely grow a tad suspicious when your cup size slowly started to shrink. The amazing thing is I. Want. One. Think of the fun I could have at football games, smuggling in my own booze.

I'm amazed at my own level of personal trashiness. I ought to be ashamed.

Yet it's not really surprising that I gravitate towards the trashy when one takes into account how I go out each morning to drive my kid to her volleyball practice.

I'm not exactly the picture of elegance. Most times I'm in my truck wearing nothing but Boo's ripped up old parka, my sleepers and a bathrobe which has seen better days. I'm barely awake enough to drive let alone groom myself. For the most part it works out fine as I never leave my vehicle and no one ever sees me. But then there are mornings like today when I drive into town only to realize I don't have enough gas to drive back home, leaving me with two choices.

I could either go back to the school and retrieve my daughter so she could pump my gas but then I'd have to enter the school and risk facing other parents and staff members who otherwise think I'm a normal human being and thereby scarring my daughter for life as she endures the endless ridicule of having a troll for a mother, or I could suck it up and pump my gas myself.

I chose option b. Only to realize I couldn't pay at the pump because I live in Buttfark Nowhereville and the small town I was stuck hasn't arrived in the 21st century just yet so I'd be forced to actually enter the store and pay in person.

It wasn't bad enough that I had to show myself to the cashier/owner I had become friendly with, while wearing my jammies and having my hair stick up in every direction. No. Turns out, half the town fuels up their vehicles before commuting to the city. And I knew each and every one of them.

I'm never going to be able to hold my head up high again.

And let me just tell you, I could have used a butt bra and a wine rack at about 645 am this morning. It could have only helped.

My lack of dignity never ceases to amaze me.

But every now and then, something non-tacky or personally humiliating catches my attention and fires up my imagination. Like my friends and how they chose to associate with me, even knowing I'd kill for a bra to put my beer in and a bra to hoist my arse back into place.  And every now and then, one of my friends does something amazing. Like write a fantastic book and then donate all the proceeds to a charity.

Jason is on a mission to raise money for the Garden of Dreams Foundation and is using his talents to do so. I don't normally pimp other people's projects (mostly because I make a lousy pimp...I'm a much better ho) but this is a charity that I believe in and a book that deserves to be read by children everywhere.

Go take a look and consider buying the book. Not only will you be making a child you love happy but you'll be helping children suffering from devastating illness, homelessness, abuse, hunger, extreme poverty and tragedy as well.

The fact that I have such talented and generous friends, well, that amazes me even more than a butt bra ever could.

*What amazes you? I can't be the only one amazed by life's oddities. What's some of the things that drops your jaw? Let's all be freaks together in the comment section.*