Charity Work Ain't Always Easy
/Last night I emailed a naked photo of myself to my husband.
Before you get the wrong idea about me and think I often email naked pics of myself to Boo, let me stop you. I don't. I prefer to tease him by telling him I'm going to send him a naked picture of myself and then switch it out for a grotesque image of some chick with boobs that hang down to her ankles and more facial hair than grizzly bear. He tends to get annoyed (and disgusted) by this bait and switch, but I like to think it keeps things interesting.
At the very least, it's demonstrating to him that no matter how bad I look naked, he could always be hitched to someone who looks worse.
So far, it's worked wonders at keeping our love life healthy.
But yesterday, much to my husband's surprise and delight, the pictures were actually nude photos of my jiggly white arse.
"Holy crap! You look beautiful!" he crowed when he called after viewing them for the first time.
"Jeez Boo. Don't sound so shocked. My ego is fragile."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. It's just when you said you were posing naked for that charity calendar, I somehow pictured you fully clothed, wearing a burlap sac and a paper bag over your head. It must be a defense mechanism upon learning your wife is going to show her bits to people she's not married to."
"The human mind is a powerful tool," I laughed.
"You look really nice. Like a classy porn star."
"I can cross that off my life list now. I always wanted to look like a classy whore."
"I can honestly tell you, I don't think I've loved you more than I do right now."
"You wouldn't have said that if you saw me after the shoot."
"Why's that?"
"Boo, I was naked in a farm field in early evening. I was bug bait. My boobs are still full of skeeter bites and for days after I was scratching my arse cheeks like a two bit hooker does after a busy Friday evening. All that and I sat on a thistle."
(I also may have trespassed and broke a law or two in order to get the photo. But let's not talk about that.)
"You know, I always knew your blog would lead you to new things. But I think I hoped it would be for new things requiring you to keep your clothes on."
"Heh. Look at the bright side Boo. Think of your family's faces when I can honestly tell them my job is posing naked for the Internets."
And that, right there, is what I like to call the upside of life.
Heh.
A big hearty thank you to Kristina at Gingerlily Boudoir for not blushing when I accidentally flashed her my cooter as I swatted the bugs away. Not only are you a true professional, but you take mighty fine pictures of slightly overweight, pale, white girls wearing nothing but a cowboy hat and boots. Also, a round of applause to Nicole for her special efforts of painting me up to look like a true porn star.
You can purchase the Blogger Body Calendar here. All proceeds after printing costs are being donated to the National Eating Disorders Association.
A charity totally worth getting bit in the arse for.
Before you get the wrong idea about me and think I often email naked pics of myself to Boo, let me stop you. I don't. I prefer to tease him by telling him I'm going to send him a naked picture of myself and then switch it out for a grotesque image of some chick with boobs that hang down to her ankles and more facial hair than grizzly bear. He tends to get annoyed (and disgusted) by this bait and switch, but I like to think it keeps things interesting.
At the very least, it's demonstrating to him that no matter how bad I look naked, he could always be hitched to someone who looks worse.
So far, it's worked wonders at keeping our love life healthy.
But yesterday, much to my husband's surprise and delight, the pictures were actually nude photos of my jiggly white arse.
"Holy crap! You look beautiful!" he crowed when he called after viewing them for the first time.
"Jeez Boo. Don't sound so shocked. My ego is fragile."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. It's just when you said you were posing naked for that charity calendar, I somehow pictured you fully clothed, wearing a burlap sac and a paper bag over your head. It must be a defense mechanism upon learning your wife is going to show her bits to people she's not married to."
"The human mind is a powerful tool," I laughed.
"You look really nice. Like a classy porn star."
"I can cross that off my life list now. I always wanted to look like a classy whore."
"I can honestly tell you, I don't think I've loved you more than I do right now."
"You wouldn't have said that if you saw me after the shoot."
"Why's that?"
"Boo, I was naked in a farm field in early evening. I was bug bait. My boobs are still full of skeeter bites and for days after I was scratching my arse cheeks like a two bit hooker does after a busy Friday evening. All that and I sat on a thistle."
(I also may have trespassed and broke a law or two in order to get the photo. But let's not talk about that.)
"You know, I always knew your blog would lead you to new things. But I think I hoped it would be for new things requiring you to keep your clothes on."
"Heh. Look at the bright side Boo. Think of your family's faces when I can honestly tell them my job is posing naked for the Internets."
And that, right there, is what I like to call the upside of life.
Heh.
A big hearty thank you to Kristina at Gingerlily Boudoir for not blushing when I accidentally flashed her my cooter as I swatted the bugs away. Not only are you a true professional, but you take mighty fine pictures of slightly overweight, pale, white girls wearing nothing but a cowboy hat and boots. Also, a round of applause to Nicole for her special efforts of painting me up to look like a true porn star.
You can purchase the Blogger Body Calendar here. All proceeds after printing costs are being donated to the National Eating Disorders Association.
A charity totally worth getting bit in the arse for.