Kiss My Grits

When you wake up in the morning and discover no creamer for you coffee, it is a sure sign the Universe is telling you to crawl back in bed and try again the next day.

Since I listen to the Universe about as well as I obey my husband I poured my coffee and gave the Universe the finger. I'm hardcore like that.

You know what happens when you give the Universe the bird? It finger flicks you squarely in the forehead when you are least prepared for it.

I knew I was in for a long day when Jumby's diaper came off in the middle of the doctor's office while I was holding him against me and he let loose all down the front of my white tee shirt. There is nothing quite like having to wait for your son's urine to dry on your shirt to make it less see through to really kick start your day.

But the pee soaked shirt wasn't enough for that b!tch, the Universe. No, she had to deliver a torrential rain storm, complete with hail to knock out my Internet signal all afternoon and I'm pretty sure she was laughing as I went through withdrawal and twitched for hours.

I thought for sure my day couldn't get any worse when Frac accidentally slammed the car door shut on my thumb. Surely that had to be the equivalent of the Universe sticking her foot up my arse as I howled like an injured coyote and gave my very apologetic son the stink eye.

But still, the Universe was determined to teach me who was boss.

As the sun started to settle into the horizon, I was stung by a wasp. Twice. In my freshly shaven armpit. As I was trying to fold laundry.

There I was, still wearing the shirt Jumby had peed on earlier, with a swollen thumb, hopping around the kitchen clutching my armpit thinking I was about to die.

It was like the Universe had decided to not only teach me a lesson but kick me while I was down while horking a loogie into my hair..

Let me tell you, the next time I wake up and discover no creamer for my morning coffee on a Monday morning, my first instinct won't be to tell the Universe to kiss my grits.

It'll be to run back to my bed and call in sick until the new dawn breaks.

The Universe does not mess around on Mondays.

The upside to yesterday is that my week can only get better. *Twitch*