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Back when I was a wee young thing, navigating the halls of education, desperately hoping not to be shoved into a locker and all the while wishing for a magical genie to pop out of a discarded soda can to magically transform me into one of the cool kids, I would scratch my head and wonder what made boys tick.

Not much has changed since then except for the fact I'm no longer walking the halls of education as I have sprayed painted my way through enough levels of higher education without actually getting educated that my husband has put a moratorium on all education that costs him money. Which is why I spend so much time on the internet. You'd be surprised and amazed by what a gal can learn in the annals of the web. And for FREE!

Also, I no longer fear being shoved into a locker anymore, seeing as how my ass size has expanded and there is no chance I could squeeze one arse cheek into that metal container, let alone both of them.

And the only thing I really want to come out of a bottle these days must contain fermented ethanol.

Huh. So I was wrong. A LOT of things have changed since my school days.

The one thing that hasn't changed is my total mystification with the male species. It's not that I don't appreciate the hairier sex, it's just I can't figure out what makes them tick.

Take for example, my husband who makes fart jokes, rebuilds tractor engines for fun, pumps iron for vanity instead of for health and is just as likely to tear up watching a chick flick as he is to cackle with glee during a car explosion in the latest action movie. One moment he can be Mr. Sensitive and the next moment he is the walking definition of an insensitive thug.

And I'll never understand his males (in general) predilection for girl on girl porn yet seeing two boys hugging sends him males (in general) whimpering into a dark corner so he they can rock back and forth while sucking his their thumb.

And machoism? What in the hell is that all about? It's just egotastic bitchiness with more back hair in my opinion.

Needless to say, like millions of males moaning about women before me, I just don't get it.

Which is why I was totally onto something almost 13 years ago when my son Frac was crowning and the doctor was telling me, "You can do it Tanis, just one more push!" and my husband was prattling on useless encouragements all in the hopes of me gathering the strength for one final herculean push to bring forth life and end my labouring misery and I just looked at these men surrounding me, yelling at me to finish it, to just do it, and the only thing I could think of was how I wanted to rip off their penises and beat them with it and I took a deep breath and moaned, "I DON'T WANT TO! I CAN'T DO THIS! JUST PUSH THE BOY BACK IN AND LEAVE US ALONE IN OUR PREGNANT GLORY!!!"

I knew even then, before the boy was brought forth completely and gnawing at my nipple like a rabid bunny chews on a carrot that boys are hard and I'll never understand them.

Okay, okay, boys aren't that hard. They're actually pretty easy in case you have never raised one. I think it's because they are born with their very own toy attached within easy reach. Boys are vastly easier in comparison to the little poltergeist my oldest daughter has recently morphed into.

That said, as Frac grows older, it's becoming more and more obvious that I will never understand the grease that turns a man's wheels.

All of a sudden he went from a Thomas The Train and HotWheels freak to a video game addict to a pimp in training, talking non-stop about cute girls and dating.

It's freaking me the f*ck out yo!

The other night he was juggling three little twelve year old babes-in-training on gmail chat, flirting with all three at the same time and the next night I heard him on the phone encouraging his best buddy to ask a girl out because apparently this kid is already 13 whole years old and life is passing him by and what is WRONG WITH YOU BOY?

My charming pimp-in-training son then went on, after apparently showing his little best buddy to see the light, to agree to fix up said best buddy with a certain 12 year old babe-in-training, but only if his friend could tell him what was in it for HIM and why should he hook another brotha up without a little somethin-somethin in return.

It's official. I don't know how I did it, but apparently I'm raising the next generation of future pimps.

It's a proud moment I tell ya.

So much for all my hard work in teaching my boy child etiquette, manners and respect for women. I went wrong somewhere, I just can't figure out where. Either that or his father has been creeping into my kid's room at night to whisper manly secrets into his ear as he slumbers and subconsciously undoing all my good mothering as the kid sleeps.

Ya. That's totally it.

In an effort to yank my child back on to the less hormone-crazed path and beat some sense into the child, I dragged Frac to the grocery store with me so we could spend some quality mother and son bonding time together.

It had *nothing* to do with the fact I'm not allowed to lift a jug of milk or bend down to grab a bag of dog food from the bottom shelf.


I'm not stupid. I didn't just give birth to these children for the betterment of society. I had them for all the free slave labour I can wring out of them before they flee this coup.

So as Frac and I replenished our pantry and filled up our shopping basket, I used the time to my advantage and reinforced the idea of respecting females (and males for that matter) as I shuffled down the aisle with my cane.

"I know MOM, SHEESH," he finally said as we made our way up to the check out counter. "You've told me this a hundred times! I get it!!"

Apparently, I may have gone a wee overboard in my zeal to ensure I'm raising a respectful future pimp. Better safe than sorry though, I figured.

"Okay, fine. I'll drop it as long as you live it and just don't ignore what I'm telling you. Practice makes perfect after all, kiddo."

Frac rolled his eyes and put the contents of our small basket on the conveyor belt. Milk, bread, eggs, bacon and ice cream. You know, dietary staples for the recently surgically impaired.

Frac watched the clerk scan each item and pointedly tried to ignore me, as though he was afraid I'd bring up an embarrassing subject in front of a complete stranger. It's like the kid knows me or something.

When the cashier scanned the box of chicken breasts we had picked out, Frac's mouth fell open in amazement.

"Holy cow!!" he said as the clerk looked up and grinned at him.

"Ya, chicken breasts are expensive," she smiled to us.

Frac fell silent for a second and then looked at the cashier and replied, "Ya, I guess my dad was right."

"Really Frac? And just what was your dad right about?" I arched my eyebrow and inquired as the clerk looked on curiously.

"He always says anything with breasts is gonna cost you, and boy, he wasn't kidding!!"

It was then I realized, I'm fighting a losing battle. I may as well just give in and ask for a cut of his future earnings as the world's newest pimp.
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    valley is where the california wine industry was born. some of the earliest wineries located here in the 1800s and even survived the phylloxera epidemic of the 1870s
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    Are you a creative writing instructor at a university? How do you handle potentially dangerous students?

Reader Comments (47)

Nice. Can't argue with facts.

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermuskrat

Good luck with that. :)


February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMarla

Hilarious. Boys are weird. Gotta love 'em.

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterangi

Ok, girl on girl porn is great because the only thing better than one set of boobies is two. Male porn is bad because there are no boobies. Simple.

You're boy is smart, those boobies will cost you.

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterHockeymandad

@Hockeymandad, such poor grammar. I meant your, not you're. I had boobies on the brain from your post. Broke my concentration.

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterHockeymandad

I don't know WHERE he gets a smart ass mouth like that.

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer McKenzie

I am laughing my a** off. As the Mother of two (ages 7 and 4) boys who are fasinated with boobies--I am also scared. LOL

PS Hope you are recovering nicely.

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMartie

That may be the most amusing thing I've heard all month. I don't think that's necessarily disrespectful to women, though. I think it's okay if he knows that it'll cost you (mentally and emotionally more than financially, in fact) to hang out with those with boobies. We're taxing. And you better be prepared for it.

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJessi


February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJoy


I'm terrified of Pineapple's teen years - but I'm afraid this might be scarier...maybe? Thinkin' we need a 'Poltergeist' story next! :)

too funny!

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterPineappleBabble

And thanks to that post, my 11-yr-old twin girls are NEVER going to Canada! That boy knows too much.

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSuz

That was absolutely priceless. Thanks for the laugh.

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKandace

I can't stand it anymore! What was the "big family happiness" that occured that you never told us about because you were so into telling us about your back? (Hope you are feeling okay by the way.) Tell!

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSal's Girl

I have a girl, so am I off the hook? Oh, actually, it's going to be even worse isn't it??

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteradhocmom

Good God, Woman. You do know that some of us have little dudes that aren't there yet and you are scaring the ever living shit out of us, right?

Hot wheels - check
Video Games- Check
Girls - NOT YET. Not really.

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterPriscilla-wheelchair Mommy

Doesn't the pimping thing go hand in hand with the jumping off of elevated crap and crashing into things? My boy is only 7 so far but what I cannot comprehend is the outright PRACTICING of crashing into things. What is this, perfecting a skill? My daughter NEVER tried to crash into things - no, she did the logical thing and tried NOT to crash.

And the noises that they make while doing these activities...when I try to make transformer-engine-space robot-puking sounds, I choke on my own tongue. But it even rolls off my 3 year old's tongue like honey.

It's the damn Y chromosome. And we can't fight it; all we can do is give it the "what the hell" look. To which it gives us that "huh?" look. :)

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKristin

Absolutly Priceless!

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDanielle

The male species communicates using a frequency undetectable by females. You THINK they are just belches and farts. Frac's statement at the checkout was the result of generations of shared knowledge perpetuated via bodily functions.

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBusyDad

Well, boobies may cost you but you can also eternally count on the fact that if it has tires or testicles, it's bound to give you trouble.

I don't get them either, I have a five year old boy whose father has never even lifted the hood of a car and yet he is completely fascinated by anything with wheels or a motor. Power tools? HOO HAH! And boobs. He likes boobs. They start young, yo.

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMary

Roflmao. They say good mothering will appear eventually. My oldest is now 23 n let me tell ya the pimpin n hookin a Brutha up has hot evolved into what he's been taught yet! Hang in there girl it only get worse hahaha wait til the drivers license. Note there is no sense in license. ;)

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterStar

Bossy agrees with BusyDad -- it's like the African Click Language, all those burps and farts, they MEAN something.

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBOSSY

You act so shocked. As if it isn't something along the lines YOU might say. Don't act so innocent there, missy. Mmm-hmmm. We're on to you.

Or something.

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAdam P. Knave

LOL! You should also tell him that ticking off anything with breasts will cost him double. :)

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSurviving Lotus Land

You must be very proud. I'm going to call you Tanis Fleiss.

Meanwhile, I want to cross stitch "Machoism is bitchiness with more back hair" on a pillow for you. It would be cooler if we made it out of actual back hair.

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermom-101

Ah, but he will have his day of reckoning, when he finally realizes that the difference between sex for money and sex for free, is that sex for free usually costs a lot more!

...wait...he may already be on to that :)

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterIrish Gumbo

My child hasn't even been born yet and I'm terrified. We were convinced we were having a boy, turns out it is a girl. Just remember, with your son, you only have to worry about one penis. With your daughter, you have to worry about all of the rest of them!

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterErin

My six year old will be the breast man. I see it coming. He's got the ladies of the 1st grade mapped out and prioritized already. Lord, help me!

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDisgruntledMom

In a few years, just buy the economy size box of condoms and put them in a bowl by the front door, then remind him to grab a few on the way out. "NO GLOVE - NO LOVE". I had to do that with mine after he informed me he was sexually active. It was much cheaper than helping him pay child support and now years later, he is happily married with a one year old daughter.

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterNeCole@Eclectic Ecstasy

When I was approached by a fourteeen year old boy, wanting my to "hook him up" with my daughter, I told him I would be glad to as soon as I found a meat locker and a suitable hook that would support his pubescent weight. I will admit although that after the look of confusion passed, he did info me that my comment was "all jacked up" and followed with another attempt to get her "digits". (Sigh) testosterone makes them persistent.

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDawn


That's awesome.

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDaddy Geek Boy

Social comments and analytics for this post...

This post was mentioned on Twitter by redneckmommy: Heh. Some posts are more fun to write than others. This one was fun. Go read it. Unfortunately, it's a true story. http://bit.ly/bM2rVV...

February 2, 2010 | Unregistered CommenteruberVU - social comments

HA! That is too funny. Looks like dad is getting to him. That or the aliens came and replaced him while you weren't looking.

February 2, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJeannie

This is GREAT!

February 2, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDirty Dishtowels

I laugh, hoping I have a few more SpongeBob years before the madness.

February 2, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGrandeMocha

'...anything with breasts...' dear lord. Such a GUY thing to say, you ain't kiddin'. Good luck with that! ~xo, b.

February 2, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterjust beth

"frenchy Frac the pimp master" kinda has a ring to it...don't ya think?

February 2, 2010 | Unregistered Commentertony

See, I'm still trying to recover from the three year old showing my his tiny erection every frackin' time I turn around. It might be a relief when he starts trying to show it to other women.

February 2, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterjennielynn

Oh, oh, ow, my ribs hurt, thats priceless. Thanks!!!

February 2, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKate

Wow. LOL

February 2, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Money

anyone else see two severed fingers in that photo instead of chicken breasts?

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered Commentershasha

I'm the mother of four small boys and now I'm scared :)

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterella

Truer words never spoken.

Good luck with that kid!


February 3, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterlarrylily

He is so damn cute and you are in for it. Damn. I'm not looking forward to that with my Thomas the Train loving son.

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterZakary

Thank you for always making me laugh, as I am raising three daughters. Yeah, I have it easier than you.

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTracy

Oh my goodness, I'm laughing my ass off! I so love your writing and miss your awesome tweets! I have a 9 year old son who's just discovering girls, and my husband is such a smart ass skirt chaser, I now see what I am going to have to endure! Oh boy!!! Good luck

February 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Tanis Miller, Tanis Miller, Tanis Miller, Mrs Chaos, Becca Masters and others. Becca Masters said: RT @redneckmommy: Boys will be boys. Which basically means they are all boobs. New post at my blog. Go read and be merry. http://bit.ly/bM2rVV [...]

I have girls only, and I find boys mystifying and terrifying at the same time.

A bit like when I was younger...

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterpixielation

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