Monday Mornings

6:25 Wake up to discover my daughter standing over me, dangling my car keys in my face and urgently whispering for me to get up.

6:26 Roll out of bed and curse as I feel wet slime between my toes. Apparently I inserted my foot into dog puke instead of the slipper I was aiming for.

6:31 Dry footed, bleary eyed and wearing only slippers and a bathrobe, I make my way to my car as my daughter hangs out the window telling me to hurry.

6:32 Take a sip of the coffee my daughter thoughtfully poured into a travel mug for me while giving her the death glare for dragging my arse out of bed so early.

6:33 Honk at the stupid moose who has decided to become a permanent gargoyle at the bottom of my driveway and flip him the bird as he slowly saunters out of my way.

6:42 Inform my daughter I'm not going to speed and risk a fine just so she won't be late for her volleyball practice.

6:51 Apologize to my daughter for her being late to volleyball practice and then shove her out of my car.

6:52 Avoid making eye contact with the school bus driver who is laughing at my bed head and bathrobe.

6:55 Spill travel mug of coffee all over the interior of my vehicle and cuss all the way home.

7:18 Honk at the moose again to move his giant oversized arse out of my driveway and yell at him to go poop on someone else's lawn.

7:19 Flip the moose the bird as I head into the house.

7:20 Discover both of my sons still sound asleep, grab a giant metal pot lid and a wooden spoon and pretend I'm in a high school marching band.

7:21 Duck when my oldest son hurls his pillow at me.

7:25 Change Jumby's diaper and hook up his tube feeding while encouraging Frac not to spill Cheerios all over the floor.

7:35 Ask Frac to clean up all the spilled Cheerios on the floor and administer Jumby's morning meds while unhooking his tube feeding.

7:37 Remind Frac he needs to get dressed while trying to find another sock for Jumby. Curse the Sock Monster for stealing all socks.

7:40 Send Frac back to his room and encourage him to dress like a human being and not some gangster character from a cheap movie.

7:42 Curse Cerebral Palsy and stiff joints while moaning about how sleeves should be made bigger.

7:44 Attempt to wrestle Jumby into his splints.

7:45 Tell Jumby to stop laughing at me and to hold still.

7:46 Attempt to wrestle Jumby into his splints, take two.

7:48 Remind Frac to put his lunch in his back pack and to grab Jumby's lunch kit.

7:49 Wrestle Jumby into his hand splints so that he can attempt to chew them off.

7:50 Insert Jumby's hearing aides only to realize they have no batteries in them, yank them out, insert batteries, wipe sweat off my brow, tell Jumby to cooperate and try to reinsert aides into his itty bitty ears.

7:52 Tell Frac I know what time it is and yelling at me to hurry up isn't helping me get Jumby's shoes on any quicker.

7:53 Chase the dog down and grab Jumby's shoe from out of his mouth.

7:55 Remind Frac to tie his shoelaces while trying to get Jumby into his wheelchair.

7:56 Grab coffee mug only to realize I forgot to refill it after spilling it in my car and then panic as I hear the school bus down the road.

7:58 Run down the driveway while trying to keep my robe from falling open.

7:59 Yell at Frac to stop trying to steer his brother's wheelchair into trees and remind him that he is not a race car driver and Jumby is not a race car.

8:00 Reinsert Jumby's hearing aides which fell out.

8:01 Avoid making eye contact with the same bus driver who is laughing at my bedhead and bathrobe.

8:05 Wave to the boys as the school bus drives away.

8:06 Yell at the dogs to leave the dead animal carcass on the side of the road alone and head back up to the house.

8:09 Refill my coffee cup.

8:10 Answer the phone only to discover my daughter left her lunch on the kitchen counter. Curse loudly.

8:15 Head back into town. Again.

8:37 Avoid making eye contact with our school bus driver, again, as she laughs at my bedhead and bathrobe.

8:40 Hand my daughter her lunch through the passenger side window and threaten to beat her if she opens up the door to show her friends that I really am just wearing a bathrobe and slippers.

8:44 Spill my coffee. Again.

9:09 Arrive home to discover the cats have ripped open a bag of garbage and scattered it across my lawn.

9:11 Clean up all the garbage off the front lawn while threatening to shoot all the cats.

9:24 Open my lap top to blog.

9:25 Swear a little as the cursor blinks at me and the blank page mocks me. Get up to get some coffee.

9:30 Discover there is no more coffee in the pot.

9:31 Cry a little as Monday continues to mock me and know that tomorrow morning won't be any better.