about Attack of the Redneck Mommy
RNM HOME ARCHIVES BEST OF RNM PRESS CHARITIES
Looking for something specific? SEARCH RNM.  
back to Tanis Miller
Friday
Jun052009

Stroke

It's a dreary day under my roof today.

It's raining outside, the wind is cold and when I woke up to cheerfully toss my children out of bed and send them packing on the little yellow school bus they both hurled obscenities pillows at my head and told me that they had no school today.

Which I would have known if I ever bother to read any of the newsletters they keep bringing home and putting on the counter.

The ray of sunshine I was riding high on quickly vanished soon after when Fric and Frac decided to try and rip one another's limbs off with a dull butter knife and I discovered Jumby had a butt rash that made my ass cheeks clench in terror when I changed his diaper.

Parenting. It ain't all rainbows and songbirds yo.

I have discovered in my decade plus of parenting that when the children are grumpy, the weather is miserable and I can't find any fools to pawn them off on, the best thing to do is hide.

Which is what I decided to do. I drew an chalk line between the kitchen and the living room where I was trying to twitter in peace and informed my precious offspring that the first person to cross a toe over the border to my sanity would be stuck licking the toilets clean for the rest of the weekend.

Then I growled.

My head may have spun around in a weird tribute to the movie Exorcist and I'm fairly certain my eyes started to glow like the people from Village of the Damned.

And yes, I may be spending way too much time staying up late and watching old creepy movies.

My children, they got the point. They have for the most part, left me to my own devices as they plot their next crime argue and fight far away from me. I think they are slightly afraid I might vomit green split pea soup on them or worse yet, make them eat it for lunch.

Eventually, things settled down as we all slipped into a routine. Jumby chewing on his siblings ankles, Fric quietly working on some witch craft potion science project and Frac surfing porn video games on the computer. All while I sat in the relative peace and quiet of my living room with the dogs at my feet, eating bonbons and working on the great Canadian novel. (Reading it, not writing it people. That would mean actual work.)

Just as I was getting to the really trashy part of my Harlequin romance novel, where Jane was about to touch John's throbbing sausage of love as her dewy petals of love opened up, ripe for his touch, I heard my son tell my daughter to go away in an annoyed voice.

"No Fric, I'm busy."

"Come on Frac, just for a second," she urged him, polite yet very insistent.

"I said NO. Bugger off."

"Fric, go away." Frac was sounding testier with each syllable yet he hadn't reached the high pitched little brother screaming volume yet.

"Oh Frac, come on," Fric needled. "Pretty please?" My daughter was using her sing song voice, trying to lure him into submission with the lilting sounds of her voice.

"No."

"Come on Frac, just touch it."

"No. I said no. Do you not speak English?" Frac was half laughing but clearly growing more annoyed with his big sister.

"Touch it Frac, touch it," she chanted.

I sat in the livingroom, curious to what she was trying to get her brother to come and touch but I wasn't motivated enough to actually get off my duff and check it out. After all, no one was screaming yet, why bother?

"Go away, I'm busy," he giggled.

"Touch it Frac. Come on. Touch my pussy. You know you want to."

Suddenly, I was very motivated to see what the hell my little spawn were up to. I made it off the couch and into the kitchen in less time it takes to blink an eye.

"What's going on in here?" I asked sternly while noting that my daughter was fully clothed. Thank heavens.

"Nothing Mom," the two bandits chimed simultaneously.

"Uh huh. What did you ask your brother to do?" I queried the older of the two children.

"I want him to touch my pussy," she innocently replied.

"Excuse me?" I squawked as my heart stopped.

"My pussy cat mom. He won't pet the kittens," she whined as she waved a kitten I did not see in her hand in front of her brother's nose.

Frac just pushed the kitten away and sternly told his sister, "I'm in the middle of a battle. I'll play with your kitty in a second."

My daughter, stroking the orange tabby, looked up at me and asked, "Is there anything wrong Mom?"

Um no baby, Mommy just needs to get her head out of the gutter every now and then.

picture-1

Kids. They say the damndest things.

Then you stroke out.
« Thank You Mr. BalloonMan | Main | The Path To a Pedicure Is Painful »

Reader Comments (50)

I have Strokin' stuck in my head now.

Also, I would have passed out.

June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMaria

Bah! This isn't about porn AT ALL!

I feel so cheated.

June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKarl

Heh, I love it!

June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJust Shireen

Classic!!

June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLiz

Haha - awesome!

June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAngela

Bahahahaha!
And here I was all worried after the title and the first sentence...shoulda known better.

I didn't even think kids called cats 'pussy's' anymore...

June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterThe Spinster

Oh yeah? My kid told the two mechanics who came to drop off our minivan the other day that I was the "best blower EVER," and asked them if they wanted to see. Thank heavens I still had the bubble wand in my hand. Kids. Heh heh heeeeghhh...

June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMFA Mama

Me thinks that the apples did not fall far from the tree...

Heh.

June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAngella

Oh I love this!

June 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterperksofbeingme

She knew exactly what to say to get your attention. Hee. I wouldn't be surprised if she'd been sitting on that one a while, waiting to spring it on you.

June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCountessa

I can imagine you diving in slow motion to stop the unnatural act you were imagining only to get a handful of cat hair. Heh.

June 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterbadassdadblog

I was freaking out right along with you. Good Lord!

June 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersandi

I'd say they *both* knew exactly what they were doing (read: yanking Mama's chain), judging by the giggles. ;)

June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterChibi Jeebs

Another reason we don't have a cat.

That's just awesome! Out of the mouths of babes indeed.

June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTatiana

Ah, kids. That's way more clever than my son. He just screams "Penis! PENIS!" over and over in crowded rooms.

June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLona

I had a minor stroke here, just in case you didn't have enuf of one when you heard her say that. Gah! Glad our cat is fixed!

My kid's always watching Animal Planet and talking innocently about animals mating. He also thinks giraffes have babies out of their asses and that's okay with me.

June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterYellow Trash Diaries

She has to have SOME way to get back at you for the cheerleading :)

June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDella

Somewhere, Billy Squier is blaring out of the radio, while dad has his fingers in his ears going "lalalalalalalalaicanthearyooooou!"

Funny stuff!

June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterIrish Gumbo

Craig Ferguson said yesterday was "Hug A Cat Day", maybe she got the memo?

I know I always get a kick out of yelling "here pussy pussy, HERE PUSSY PUSSY" out my back door, when I'm looking for my cat outside. Makes the teenagers in the house CRINGE in holy horror, and causes a great big huge grin to spread across my face.

Especially if I think the @#$5 noisy neighbors can hear me too!

June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJulie

Are you sure that isn't something she heard mommy say to daddy?

June 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterfancy

I don't know what's funnier- the post or the comments... something mommy said to daddy indeed!!! bwahaahahhaahahahahahahahahaa... :D

June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMrsFinn

-omg you ALWAYS manage to make my day, my kids have been up to so much no good lately ( just wait until they go away to collage and you find condoms in their place, my husband tells me at least he knows what they are for, after he asked if they were used that is my #1 donkey, kid has to be a total perv like dad) and we were wrapped by a bunch of eleven year old girls writing ----- loves JS all over your front porch 11 YO girls for gods sake!!! that was my week
anyway thanks so much for the laugh i can always depend on you to show me that even though we are "that "family there are others out there

June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMelinda

You raise 'em twisted up north, don't you?

June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJill

Note to self: teach Tanis's daughter more phrases that will cause T to stroke out.

June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAvitable

Have to tell you that song is my FAV! Saw what you wrote on twitter and had to stop by, lol

June 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermidwest mommy

Back up... there are rainbows and songbirds?

Fuckers at the hospital told me it was all grey and test-pattern noises.

June 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterharmzie

Oh holy hell. Tell me, was there a smirk on her face when she asked if everything was okay? ;)

June 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmo

Dear Lord.... I would have stroked, too.

June 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBadass Geek

LOL...we always think the worst!

June 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Schmitty

I can't read "The Owl and the Pussycat" to CJ without smirking to myself: "Oh lovely Pussy, oh Pussy my love, what a beautiful pussy you are!"

We're both 12, it seems.

Your daughter is my hero! I taught my 2-year old to say "I'm a pussy" when he cries. His daycare teachers love me!

June 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRenee

That was too funny! Your a great writer! I just found your blog today and I think you have a regular on your hands!

Good thing you let them explain before letting the pussy, err, cat out of the bag and told them what you thought she was saying!!

June 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMommyGeek

hilarious they sure know how to push mama's buttons.

June 6, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterhabanerogal

I want to live wherever you live because your kid said "bugger off".

June 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJoe @ IrrationalDad

Thanks for the laugh and the reminder of why I chose to only breed one off-spring.

June 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSchmoochiepoo

haha lmfao!

June 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSarcastica

bwahahaha.

Out of the mouths of babes! But totally twisted in the minds of moms. Thanks for the smile (as always).

There's a little something at my blog for you. Hope it makes you smile!

June 8, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermapsgirl

LOL ok that was hilarious!!!!! you are right the mind went straight to the gutter ! LOL

June 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJodee

I think they were playing you.

June 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAbove Average Joe

so, I've been lurking...anyways I work as a nanny and the other day I called the youngest boy a pussy (whimp) and he looked at me and said 'I'm not a vagina'...apparently their previous nanny thought it was okay to tell a 5 yr old what that word CAN mean. Nice...

June 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSophie-and-the-boys

Proof that your daughter hasnt seen your blog yet!
LOL

June 8, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterlarrylily

No matter how much they beg and plead, do not buy them that monkey they've been asking for.

June 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBusyDad

HILARIOUS!

June 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJuggle Jane

ROFLMAO! I can't even comment on that LOL!

June 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTMWW

Hey, you can be forgiven-- you were just reading a "romance" novel.

I'm sure you never would have jumped to that conclusion otherwise.

June 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLiteralDan

I really just laughed so loud in my office that it scared my receptionist up front!

June 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.

My response is on my own website »
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Post:
 
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>