about Attack of the Redneck Mommy
Looking for something specific? SEARCH RNM.  
back to Tanis Miller

Shaking My PomPoms 2.0

I try to treat all my children as fairly as possible.

Chores are equally divided between the three kids with Fric and Frac vacuuming, each cleaning a bathroom and folding the laundry while Jumby is responsible for licking clean any furniture his tongue can find.

Fric and Frac have the same responsibilities and face the same consequences. I try very hard not to show favoritism based on who I currently am less annoyed with at the moment.

This equal opportunity mothering bit led me to a grade six award ceremony this morning where my darling and talented man-child Frac, was set to receive a class award for (get this) creative writing skills.

*Why yes, sparkle dust totally flew out my arse when I learned my son is TAKING AFTER ME.*


So it was with great glee that I set out this morning to attend Frac's ceremony and watch my little mini-me Hemmingway accept his award amongst all the pomp and circumstance a small rural school can avail itself to.

I even made sure to comb my hair and put on a bra so as to be the most presentable Redneck Mommy I could be. (The things I do for my children.)

After my graceful entrance (where I tripped on my own feet and practically fell on my face in front of fifty or so other parents) I took my seat, making sure I was front and centre and camera ready to capture this illustrious moment in my son's fledgling career as class exaggerator poet.

Soon the entire flock of grade six students filed in, with an assorted look of boredom, excitement and misery on their collective faces, all scanning the crowd of adults to see which parents loved them enough to subject themselves to an early morning school assembly.

Once the kids settled onto the soft foamy blue mats that I had earlier tripped on, the ceremony started.

Nothing like a rousing version of O'Canada bellowed out by rowdy eleven year olds and tired parents all at once, to shake the cobwebs loose in the morning.

One award was handed out after another, with the parents all politely clapping as a child's name was called out and the ceremony stretched on for what seemed like forever.

*Note to teachers: When scheduling an award ceremony in the morning that has no end in site it might behoove you to show a little mercy to the parents and either speed things up or provide free coffee so we don't all die of boredom as we watch other people's children receive recognition for what our children have failed to excel at.*

Just as my ass was officially starting to grow numb sitting on the hard plastic chair and my palms were starting to burn from all the polite clapping I was doing, it was my son's turn.

The language arts teacher stepped up to the podium and started explaining what it takes to make an exceptional student and a brilliant writer. I listened with rapt attention as she prattled on and on about the merits of creativity and imagination and the willingness to expand one's small world with the poise of the pen.

I could see Frac sit a little straighter as he knew his name was about to be called. Some of his friends started elbowing him in the ribs in a friendly manner. The girls were all batting their eyelashes and blowing kisses in the air at my kid.

(Well okay, only one girl and she may or may not have looked like Big Bertha and my son may or may not have shuddered but still, the moment was magical.)

"And it is with great pride that I present Tanis Miller's son with this certificate of AWESOMENESS because, like his mother, he can weave words into magic and I am sure that one day Tanis Miller's son will be a world famous author rivaling only his mother in both critical success and retail domination at the book store!"

(Others may have just heard, "And it is with great pride that I present Frac Miller with a certificate in creative writing." I like my version better.)

With that, Frac stood up to soak in his moment of glory and I knew my moment of parental pride was before me.

I grabbed the pompoms I had stashed in my oversized purse and stood up yelling, "Go FRAC! WHOOT! FRAC-YYY. THAT'S RIGHT BABY. WHOOT! FRAC!!!"

The other adults in the crowd burst into laughter and chanted "FRAC, FRAC, FRAC!" as my son walked up the stairs to accept his Pulitzer Prize certificate.

(Oh okay. They all laughed as they clapped and shook their heads at my crazy antics. Thankfully they have all grown to know that I'm a nut job and they find it highly adorable amusing.)

Frac's classmates did start to chant "FRAC! FRAC! FRAC!" as they laughed at with me.

Frac looked out on me as he stood on that stage and his face was beet red but he was smiling through his mortification. He accepted his award with more grace and dignity than I could ever muster (he must get that from his father) and then he stepped up to the microphone to say his little acceptance speech.

"Um, thanks," he croaked out as he looked at his award. "This is really cool." Then he looked out into the crowd and saw me standing there, waving my silver pompoms and sighed into the microphone, "Sheesh MOM. You're such a nut!"


Canada's next great Literary God

The crowd burst into laughter and applause and Frac made his way back to his seat as I cheered again and then took my seat.

After the ceremony was over, the students wandered through the throng of parents and Frac bee-lined right to me, with a group of his buddies tagging along right behind him.

"Frac! I'm so proud of you! Your father is going to be busting with pride when he sees your award!" I grinned to him as I hugged him tight and kissed the top of his head.

Frac squirmed out of my grasp and looked up at me very sternly and said, "Mom, when we get home you and I are going to have a firm talk."

His friends started to snicker at my son putting his mother in her place.

Not one to be outdone, I simply smiled at him sweetly and nodded my head.

"Sperm? Sure we can have a sperm talk when we get home. Anything my little writer boy wants," I laughed as I tussled his hair.

His friends burst into laughter and Frac went a charming shade red.

"I said a FIRM talk MOM! FIRM! Not a SPERM talk!" he squawked.

"Anything you like kidlet. Anything at all!" I called after him as he hustled his teasing friends away from me before I could do any more damage to his street cred.

"Remember Frac: MOMMY LOVES YOU!" I chortled.

Really, he didn't expect me to only torment his sister in public did he?

Silly boy.

***And Yes, I really did shake shiny silver pompoms for him. I thought about waving a foam finger but it was too big to smuggle into my purse.***

« The Path To a Pedicure Is Painful | Main | Motivational Mommy »

Reader Comments (87)

oh God. I think I just peed a little. Poor kid. Sperm talk!? I cant wait til my kids are teens.

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjenni williams

You are evil!! Pure evil genius!!

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJill

Love this! Glad I am not the only one who makes their children feel extra loved. In fact we will be doing that this evening around 7 PM EST. I am so excited. Giggles...is not.

oh my word!!!! you are AWESOME!!!! LOL

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkatness

BEST MOM EVER!!! <----That is you.... I'm taking notes! :D

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMrsFinn

I hope Frac knows what a lucky, lucky boy he is *sniff*

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTinyDancer500

This is the best part about having children. Public humiliation. It's really the best tool we have. I used it often.

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBetsey

Pompoms. I love it!

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermimi

Damn it woman you are an awesome Mom!!!

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBob Devine

Wish I had kids so I could humiliate them in public! Way to go Tanis!

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLinda

Oh lord, Tanis...I want to be like you when I have kids! Can I move to Canada to live with you and learn from the master?

And don't think I'd comment on your post and not point out that the Red Wings are creaming the Penguins 2 games to none.

Go Red Wings!

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

Oh my gosh. You are a nut! That is hilarious. I love your blog.

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRachel K

i think i'm seriously girl-crushing on you now. the best i've done so far is make my monkey practice her smooth ballroom routine at the movie theatre while we waited to see star trek. i led. she hopped. she's the same age as frac. :D

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterzeghsy

I want to teach my kid how to sing a loud rendition of O'Canada early in the morning at school so the rest of the kids can stare at her in confused awe.

Ya know...since we live in the US and all.

Also...I would so love it if you were my mom.

I fully plan on not only pom-poms for my kid's next awards assembly, but I am so going to score and smuggle in some New Years Eve noise makers and maybe even an air horn.

That would rock.

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterPersnickety Ticker

I've never loved you more, dude.

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMr Lady

This is fucking hilarious. So funny. I am going to tell my kids what I could do if only I was as brave as you. No matter how mortified your kids are they really love it, I bet.

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJ from Ireland

Best. writer. ever. That's you!

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHeidi

Aw, I love that you have created a mini-me man child in the same mold as you. Perfect! Cause we need more like you!
I'm so bummed that I didn't think of the pom poms when my son was accepting awards at that age...I may steal your idea of waving a big foam finger when(if) he graduates from University though. See the far reach of your influence!

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBonnie

You're awesome! Awesome, awesome mommy.

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJenny

Heh. Two of my boys have shown literary genius. I'm waiting on Middle to catch up as soon as he gets out of his "I want to be an EMO kid" phase. *sigh* Maybe he and I should have a "sperm" talk. ;)

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterpreTzel

God, I wish you could have been my mother. Your AWESOME.

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSamantha

You crack me up! My kids NEVER appreciated my humor but it amused me for hours on end.
I heart your blog.

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTraci

You really want them to hate you, don't you? You're so asking for them to find excuses to be dropped off many blocks away. Keep it up! :)

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterbadassdadblog

You're my hero, Tanis. I can only hope to one day be able to publicly humiliate my own children with such ease.

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMommaSunshine

I am totally with you. Payback for all the years of vomit covered backs and OMG toothpaste on my crotch after toothpaste kisses as I walked out the door and ALWAYS had some sort of presentation to do AND would be wearing black. Well I suppose it is better than blue cause then I would be Monica Lewinsky, but with better taste.

We parents love you; your children fear you. I'd consider that a win-win for the day.

Evil, evil, evil, and may I say, awesome.

We all know they love you for it.

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDella

You are so awesome! I thought I was doing good with the whole embarass my kid in public thing, but I never even considered pompoms before. I'll get right on that! thanks!

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJenniferB

A woman after my own heart! I'm glad I found you in my blog surfing! Maybe our boys (mine are 12 & 8) will meet in group therapy some day.

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTreasure Hatch

Even though he is acting embarrassed I bet Frac is quite delighted that you cheered so awesomely. Good thing that they didn't have coffee or it would have been spat all over the gym by all of the "boring" parents

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterhabanerogal

I'm taking copious notes. I'll need tactics like these to keep myself entertained once all my kids are in school. Here's hoping they give me a chance to shake my own pom poms now and then.

You truly are my hero! I'm storing all these things in my mind for my time to come (my daughter is 7 and my son is 5).

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterellieranc

It is this sweet, sweet reward of parenthood that is probably the real reason we wish to procreate. Legacy? Bah! It's all about public humiliation!

(and getting cute kids out of it, too. I suppose there's that, also!)

You are fantastic, and every time I read you, I love you a little more. Yay!!

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterbella

I know you aren't old enough to be my mom and all, but would you PLEASE adopt me? Please!! I could be the adopted surrogate 30 yr old kid you never wanted but really always did and I cook and I'm silly and I have a Southern Drawl and.. and.. and...

You are fabulous, Tanis ;-) This blog is going to make your children so happy one day, you know.. once they're through the 'ohmygodmymomissooooooembarassing' stage.

It won't be long before he's a big time blogger just like his mom.

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAvitable

Just taking notes for MY kids' school days. ;-)

Whereas a lot of parents seem to struggle with the preteen (and teen) years, you do such an amazing job of embracing them! You're such an inspiration in that way (and in many other ways too, of course).

I think I know where Frac gets his award-winning writing skills from!

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJen

You rock! Now I am wondering if this is why my daughter chose to sleep in and miss her awards?!

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBrandy

Isn't this why we have kids? Just for our own entertainment?

Imagine how many opportunities I have to embarrass my sons, seeing as I teach at the same school they go to. It's awesome.

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFrogdancer

Ow!! I just had a major flashback to my early years and some of the 'cheering' my mother did. I was usually smiling from ear to ear but totally horrified inside. Funny enough my friends thought I had the cool mom. Go figure.

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered Commentercoolred38

I hate to giggle at your sons expense, but how can I not?? Too frickin funny!!

June 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJacquie

You just need to get a bigger purse.

(Loved this post! Love you!)

June 2, 2009 | Unregistered Commenternik

You are my hero! Congratulations to Frac!!

June 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Schmitty

a sperm talk?! I need a sperm talk! I simply can't wait until my kids get that so I can say the same thing.

June 2, 2009 | Unregistered Commentertraci

Possibly one of the greatest redneck mommy moments.

This one will be saved for future reenactments I hope.

Maybe even a screen play?

June 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmo

So how did the sperm talk actually go? I think it's great that he's not terrified to be seen in public with you. It says a lot about his character (or his desensitization to your antics).

June 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJoe @ Irrational Dad

I bet you can't wait for the day he brings home a girlfriend....breaking out the naked baby pics!

June 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterStarfish

The joy you take in tormenting your kids in public is nothing shy of inspirational. Tanis Miller: you are my role model.

June 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTwoBusy

Where are the pom pom pictures? And the youtube link?

June 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.

My response is on my own website »
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>