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Once Upon A Time, In the Land of Toadie

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a blonde haired little princess girl, who liked to wear the Emperor's New Clothes as often as possible, ate nothing but sausages and held a plush phallus clutched tightly to her bosom most times of the day.

This was obviously a child after my own dirty heart.

(I mean, the child likes to dance naked and play with penises. I think we may have been separated by birth and 30 years.)


Corrupting a child has never been more fun.

However there were dragons to be slayed (or in my case, a credit card that needed to be paid down before flight tickets could be purchased) and time passed and the princess girl grew older and I feared I would never have the opportunity to hear her angelic laughter or witness her dancing with fairy-like grace as she played in the grass.

But as luck would have it, my very own knight in shining armour galloped in to the rescue (after growing weary of hearing his wife whine about not being able to meet this magical little princess in person) and bestowed upon me the ability to fly across the country to partake in the magical kingdom known as Their Bad Mother's House.

(Side note: Once my knight in shining armour finally arrives home this grateful damsel in distress will be bestowing her own special brand of gratitude at his feet or anywhere the knight would like. Ahem.)

It is not often that a Redneck damsel such as myself, gets to meet the princess darling of her heart friend, and I was a little nervous. I wanted to make a good impression, imprint upon this special girl a memory of redneckedness wonder to remember me by, so I did what any thoughtful and caring internet aunty would do. I prepared to bribe the princess child with candy.

I have no shame.

I needn't have worried. The princess with her phallic plushy and me, the Redneck with my phallic-minded personality were well suited to sit under the stars and dance beneath the moon.


The similarities are eerie.


We became inseparable, loving one another with each new beat of their hearts, each one wrapping around the other's soul as long lost friends are meant to do, as my beloved heart friend and the Princess's baby brother watched in awe and wonder.

All together too quickly, the visit came to an end and my Redneck self was forced to leave behind the Princess and her family, a family that is now so deeply woven into my own soul it feels like it is a natural extension of my own, and we sat beside the flowers discussing all things fairy and phallus before it was time once more, for me to leave the magical kingdom and fly home to my own special castle.


No worries J-Bone, I have my sights set on corrupting you next.

It is not often that one is invited into the inner sanctum of another's family to meet their princesses and princes and sleep on their sofa beds underneath their castle's roof, but my heart friend made sure to lower the draw bridge and invite me in. Into her heart and her home.

More importantly, my heart friend and her handsome (hubba hubba) husband only laughed and encouraged my phallic-minded personality to further corrupt their princess with the phallic plushy and never threw me out on my arse even after I encouraged their spritely daughter to ask her daddy if he liked to 'rub and tug' and if she could have some spotted dick for breakfast.

I am honored and delighted to have had the chance to at long last meet her special princess friend and thrilled to be able to corrupt her heart friend's children with my own special brand of glee.

After all, every little Princess should have a Redneck to call her own.

I am pleased to be Miss E's.


Seriously, this kid should have been born to me.

Although, I will totally understand if, after this post is read, I never get invited to another house again. However, hearing Miss E tell me how her mom likes to ride the pole put enough love in my phallic-minded heart to ride the exhaust fumes of joy forever.

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Reader Comments (59)

Has someone alerted the world to your little cloning project?

May 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBetsey

I've never gotten misty-eyed over a plush dick before. Congrats.

May 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMaria

That last picture is the BEST (though the third one is pretty fucking righteous, dude).

May 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermamatulip

Ooh, you are so lucky. I want a tiny clone of my own to corrupt and send back to her parents. So, so lucky.

May 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLona

I just love reading about this visit from both perspectives. A beautiful friendship, to be certain. And a scary Redneck Auntie to put fear in any mother's heart! (Just kidding. You were clearly made for each other.)

May 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKaza

You're so invited to our house after the baby is born...

(And it was lovely to hug you and laugh with you.)

May 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAssertagirl

meh. I'd still let your round my kids.

May 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterbluepaintred

My 9 year old girl wants to know why I'm laughing so hard, but if I show her these pictures she'll die of mortification. Awesomely done!

May 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterVelma

Oh, god, SOBBING.

My heart and home and children are yours, now and for always, sister-friend.

And if we can get my mom to legally adopt you, all the better. Failing that - or even in addition to that - we embrace polyandrous polygamy and move our husbands and families to a big ol' Alberta commune and take advantage of Canada's liberal marriage laws and play sharing.


May 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHer Bad Mother

My husband's head would explode if you stayed with us - he is SO much like yours, only more anal about damn near everything. (that sounded rude)

Course, I'd love to host all of y'all next time! I owe C&K a sleepover party anyway - why not corrupt my kids in the process!

May 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKaren Sugarpants

My husband thinks you are an f'ng RIOT right along with me!

May 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterApril Petty

Wait... you were in the GTA?!?!

May 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSciFi Dad

You are a naughty, naughty auntie!! And that's the best kind!!

May 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJill

so. freaking. awesome.

when are you coming to Iowa??

May 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterchurchpunkmom

I would let you cradle and support my kids any day. By kids, though, I'm talking about my nuts. Just don't neglect the shaft.

May 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAvitable

Great post. Sounds like it was a helluva visit!!!!!

May 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermcinthepink

I had an Aunt Kay who told naughty jokes, read dirty novels to my greatgrandma, and was the coolest member of my family. I miss her so! Thanks for making me think of her. :)

May 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

Where'd she get that plush peen? Maybe I can buy a plush vagina and give it to my husband. I might get more sleep that way...

How hilarious! She is gorgeous!

May 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commenteramandashea17

I'm glad you guys all had a good time together! =) Those two are certainly cuties! I wish HBM had left the comments open on her post because I cannot get over how cute they are! That hair! AMAZING!

yeah, you're not allowed near mine without a debriefing on manners and proper attire.

May 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermoosh in indy.

Oh, I promise I would be the epitome of Miss Manners with the Moosh. Can't say the same with Cody though. heh.

May 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRedneck Mommy

Interesting site, but much advertisments on him. Shall read as subscription, rss.

May 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRichardOn

Ummm....OMFG....that last pic is the greatest pic I think I've ever seen. What an amazing post.

God I love rednecks...

May 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCanadian Bald Guy

She's adorable and the last picture seriously needs to be framed. Or at least be made into a t-shirt.
PS You would love my kids.;)

May 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSammanthia

Crap. This means I'll have to stand in line to get my very own Redneck. Unless, of course, you are open to bribes...

Lucky princess.

May 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterIrish Gumbo

2 of my favorite women. ( online you PERVERT!) sharing the joy that is progenation. pretty sweet! steve

May 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterstephen

If you ever find yourself looking for a host in the Chicago area, feel free to come and corrupt my children. I may have done a pretty good job already but they could always use a little more redneck in 'em. :)

Looks like you had a great time!

How nice....a little "Redneck in Training" to join your growing army.


May 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMommaSunshine

That cracked my shizzle up...and I want a fluffy penis too.

May 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commentershelly

You can come and corrupt my little princess all that you want. You are totally awesome :-)

May 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKelley

You should frame that last shot and send it to HBM for Xmas. :-)

Oh my god you are adorable, with your little armOURs and colOURs. Silly Canadians. Brilliant photos. Your twistedness is admirable, and totally hawt! ;)

May 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRaging Dad

The last picture in this post is very, very priceless.

That cracked my shizzle up...and I want a fluffy penis too.

May 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterPB

what was the plush penis supposed to be? I'm guessing a flower when new...?

May 27, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjemima

I left all my rednecks back in TN...and miss them dearly!
Head down to North Carolina anytime you please!

May 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmo

You just made me yearn for a big old plane ticket up north. Wah.

May 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMom101

I'm guessing you could print that last picture, then put it on a t-shirt and retire.

May 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterWriter Dad

Your twistedness is some kinda special. Me likey!

May 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLinda

Long time reader, first time poster...I couldn't resist though...LOL! You crack me up and I'd love to see you holding your own with my rednecks down here in southeast texas...it would be some contest!

May 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterChristy

Fabulous, Fabulous, Fabulous!

Love 'heart friend' and the pictures and your 'fairytale'


This was so funny.. Just curious how did the little princess come by such a special stuffed plushy? LOL

May 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJodee

Oh my God! That last picture is freaking hilarious. I was laughing so hard I snorted and The Hub wanted to know what was so funny so I showed him the pic.

T, you take the cake! He is now convinced I am not so raunchy.

May 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMiss Behavin

That last picture totally cracked me up!! I'm glad to see that a new generation of baudy women is just waiting to grow up.

May 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSuzy

The guys in my office are now wondering why he-who-rarely-laughs is laughing his ass off now.

Glad you had a good time.

May 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGunfighter

It was totally awesome meeting you! You're every bit as cool as you seem online ROFL. I would totally invite you to my home to corrupt my child ;)

Let me know next time you're in the hood! And one day in the far future (rofl) I do want to visit Alberta because I hear it's gorgeous out there, and ya know I wanna check out the Edmonton mall because I hear it's better than Disney Land with all the fun stuff inside. (And I'm totally blanking...Edmonton IS in Alberta right? Edmonton, Alberta? God I'm frigging geographically tarded.)

Awesome pictures by the way!

May 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSarcastica

...now I'm wondering if you even live in Alberta. There are so many online friends I wanna visit and I keep getting the locations and people mixed up. I think I'm gonna go back to bed now ;)

May 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSarcastica

I hereby nominate you as godmother to my unborn children. Pleeeeease???? That way I don't have to screw them up all by myself.

May 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTatiana

I'd probily be a different person if I had only had someone to incorage my redneck nature but alas I wound up getting in trouble every time I got caught dancing naked.

May 28, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterlilredneck

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