The World According to A Redneck Mom

When I was little I used to dream of flying around the world on a magic carpet.

Now, as an adult and having had my fair share of rug burns in strategically sensitive spots, I tend to dream about flying around the world in a fancy jet complete with leather sofas, big screen televisions and some hot British dude whose soul purpose in life is to feed me frozen grapes and offer back massages on the hour every hour.

I haven't been able to make much of a dent in my dreams of traveling the world. I've been to three countries but raising children (and being poor) has somewhat hampered my ability to jump from continent to continent and explore all that the world has to offer.

So when my friend Catherine asked commanded me to participate in her newest bloggy venture, it wasn't hard to say yes. She and her friend David came up with an idea to travel around the world via blog. "Like Around the World in 80 days," he said, "but on the internet. Around the world in 80 clicks. 80 mom-blogger clicks!"

Heck, I'll do about anything to get me off my virtual arse and see the virtual world. In reality, life has left me crippled while my children run amok, hurling food at each other like monkeys in a zoo and I'm powerless to do anything other than shake my fist at them and yell, "Somebody's gonna get hurt if you don't cut it out!!"

Not the most effective parenting I've ever done, but at least I can say "I told you so," when one of them wanders over to where my broken arse is planted and whines about being injured.

Until my children grow up and stop siphoning off their father and my bank accounts, the only real traveling I will get to do is imaginary kind. Not that I wish my children to hurry up and grow old. Quite the opposite. The longer they stay children, the longer I can stay at home and mooch off my husband blog.

That isn't the only reason I enjoy parenthood. (Although, I won't lie to you, it doesn't suck. Heh.)

I love being a mom for a variety of reasons. I love being their mom. I love that I have total and absolute power to corrupt their malleable brains and twist their personalities into any direction I choose.

I love that when my daughter was two I had her believing her middle name was Frederick. For two years she went up to people and introduced herself as Fric Frederick and wondered why I died laughing every single time.

I love the fact when my son was learning to talk one of the first things he learned to say was "Premarital sex is bad." Of course it sounded more like "peemarry hex tis baaaaad."

I love the fact my children routinely bow down and worship at my feet while chanting, "You are the Master and Commander of the Universe. You are the Queen of our Castle. You can do no wrong." Of course, they generally only do this when they want money or food, but since no one else is singing my praises, I'll take it.

I love being able to say "BECAUSE I SAID SO," as justification for a request and they have to listen. I have waited my entire life to be able to wield such power.

I love that I can buy sugared cereals and watch movies based on comic books and tell myself I'm doing it for my children. Because children need Fruit Loops and Spiderman. It says so in the parenting handbook they give out in the delivery room.

But mainly, I love being a mom because I am their mom. And my children are some of the coolest little people ever produced in the history of the world. (Not that I'm biased in the least.)

They allow me to see the world with a fresh perspective every day and they provide clarity in a storm of uncertainty. I can look at them and marvel at how amazing my world is without ever having to get out my passport.

I wouldn't trade motherhood in even if it meant I would get my own magic carpet and a sexy British dude waiting on me.

Because the great thing about raising children is eventually they grow up and get out. Which gives me just enough time to figure out how to rob a bank to fund my future travel expenses.

***Next up: Kelley from MagnetoboldToo in the land of Oz***

You're more than welcome to join: just write a post of your own (5 things that you love about being a mom) and find someone to link to and tag - someone from your own country, if you like, but definitely someone from another country (Google is a good resource if you don't know any; google any country name and 'mom' in their blog search function) (be sure to let them know that you've tagged them!) - and link back here and leave a comment and we'll add you to the 'itinerary,' which David will compile and post and update as the tour proceeds.