about Attack of the Redneck Mommy
Looking for something specific? SEARCH RNM.  
back to Tanis Miller

Ravaged by Time

The person I used to be no longer exists.

I'm not referring to the inner Tanis, the young woman who was quick to anger, had a smart mouth and liked the taste of her own feet as I often had one or another foot in my mouth.

I'm referring to the outer Tanis, the one who is slowly and perceptibly being ravaged by time. I am no longer the 110 pound 5 foot 8 blonde who wore a size zero and was known for her perky almost non-existent boobs.

While I am still 5'8, I am noticeably curvier; thicker through my waist and sporting a wider rib cage and broad shoulders any linebacker's mother would be proud of.

My face is starting to line, crinkle at the corners of my eyes and around my mouth and I'm sure it won't be long before I start to develop neck waddle that hangs and shimmies like a turkey's with every move I make.

I jump up and down now and I feel the shock waves of flubber roll all the way down to my toes and I am in danger of knocking myself out with my impressive beavertails rack.

I know this is all just the wonderful process of ageing and while I'm glad I'm not ravaged by disease or haven't been mowed over by a lawn tractor gone wild or mauled by one of my friendly neighbourhood bears, I really could live without the nipple hair that is starting to sprout like a twenty something young man grows chest hair.

Nor did I need to make the recent discovery of one lone chin hair. That's right people, I'm starting to grow f*cking whiskers.

Laugh now, but let's see who's still laughing when I decide to grow out this rogue chin hair and put a bead on it just to feel it flap around in the breeze.

I'm all about aging gracefully and with dignity.


While I'm still haunted with memories of the body I used to have, the reality is I wouldn't trade my current body if it meant getting rid of the person I have grown into. The inner Tanis has matured and I am rather fond of her. I'm finally comfortable in my own skin, even if I do have more of it and it's slightly sagging and lined. And whiskered.

So I now spend more time in the bathroom shaving and plucking errant body hairs so people don't mistake me for a man. I'm still sexxay. On the inside. Right?

(Silence. Thanks people.)

Then my husband joked that he was willing to pay for electrolysis so I didn't start looking like the bearded lady from a traveling circus. Suddenly I knew it was time to address the aging issue on my blog.

Yes, we women age. Some of us more beautifully than others but none of us are immune. So perhaps before you offer up a can of shaving cream to the woman in your life, you should take stock of what is staring back at you, dear husband.

That's right. I'm going there. I'm pointing out your moobs. Publicly.

You were once my young, buff blonde Boo. There was nary and ounce of fat to be found on you as I routinely ran my hand over your sculpted mid-section.

Why yes, you used to look like this model. Why yes, I did count my stars every night and marvel how lucky I was to have landed such a pretty specimen of manliness as you.

Then, while I was busy giving birth to your babies and growing curvier by the year (and yes, slightly hairier) time had its way with you as well.

Oh, do not fret sweet Boo of mine, you aren't alone this. Take a look at men everywhere and you will see what I am talking about. It's the invasion of the moobs.

Don't worry love. You don't look like this. Yet.

Moobs are everywhere. All the cool boys have them. And if by some freak of nature a man escapes the freakish fate of man boobs then he's left to busy himself with the arduous task of wrestling with the decision to try the dreaded comb-over or embrace the bald.

Of course there are men out there that deal with both of these aging issues and let's just give them a shout out because face it, their ego may need a boost.

So while you are taunting me about that stray black hair growing out my left breast let me remind you, my boobs will never look like this:

In a few years, will you be able to say the same thing?

And while we are on the subject of our bodies, I don't really appreciate your jokes about my needing support undergarments. Just because I occasionally lube myself up and wriggle into some Spanx doesn't mean I need to listen to your lame joke about how I need to be spanked.

Keep it up and I swear I'm going to buy you your very own girdle.

You laugh now, but ask the poor dude in Japan who's wife brought him home a man bra after he poked her in her rolls one too many times.

Personally, I think you'd look really hot in the pink one.

(And why yes, I do realize this post may emphasize the fact I spend entirely too much of my day Googling man boobs and lingerie. Really, I don't need you to point that out. )

Let's just make a vow to love one another no matter how time turns our bodies into freaktastic caricatures of our former selves.

I promise to keep on top of the errant whiskers that keep sprouting up if you promise me that one day you will teach me how to do this:

Think of all the fun we'll have when we are invited out to parties.

Heck, with your manboobs and my chin whiskers I'm sure we could start charging people for the pleasure of our company. We'll never need to worry about our kids' college funds again!

Take heart my darling Boo. At least we aren't alone in this battle of time.

Just take a look at our siblings and let's thank our parents for giving us the good genes.

« All in the Name of a Good Poke | Main | Dear Internet: I'm Placing You on Notice »

Reader Comments (93)

We missed you!

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkris


I think I just puked in my mouth.

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAngela

Errr, make that "hilarious!"

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAngela

It's going to take a long time for me to rid my mind of those images. The horror!

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCountry-Fried Mama

I can deal with the fact that I, also, am no longer the size 0 willow tree, and have to exfoliate more just fine, but WHY did no one tell me about the three black nipple hairs that never stop growing?!?!? I didn't sign up for that, Aging. I never signed that contract.

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermissbanshee

You didn't say anything about asymetrical facial muscle aging. When people ask "Have you had a stroke?" because one side of your face is fast tracking to the old folks home while the other is hanging on to 30 like it's gold.

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBradley

Do you think you'll stay married after this post? Just wonderin'.

Haha, that will NEVER be me! Funny how the man with the beer bottles on his moobs also pissed himself. Now there's a man with issues. Oh yeah, I like your chin whiskers, but somehow I think they're fake you tease!

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHockeyman

Oh my god. I'm so glad that my kids were sleeping. Although they might not be anymore. My eyes hurt. Badly. Should have heeded your twitter warning. Hilarious, Tanis!

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAngela

Pfft. I see that in the mirror everyday.

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterWill

Wow... that moob photo is making me a bit ill. I can wear a bra and my boobs look a little perky, THAT guy couldn't even but his in lace to make them a little prettier.
I'm still in the nipple hair closet. Meaning I don't get them. *cough*

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmber Mc

Ok, um eww.. and a little bit of a aww. So um gross and uh thanks!

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterWM

Um, I am personally just glad you aren't 5'8 and 110lbs anymore. That just ain't right.

And I'll send you the therapist bills for those pics. :)

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLucie

lmao! I got stuck drooling over the model and then scrolled down and started gagging. hilarious though :)

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterChicklet

This post tops my list of "Things you can never unsee once you've seen them" list.

You are total hotness and hubby had better keep it zipped if he doesn't wanna lose you to a young stud.

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHeather R.

Note to self: do not read posts like this while eating lunch. :-o But, once I got past the grossness, hilarious!!! And, so freakin' true. Truly funny funny post.

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJen

OK, I breastfed 2 babies for a year each. I've seen my nipples expand to at least 2 inches long. I've chapped, cracked and bled.


OUCH!! That last picture made my nipples hurt. Damn!

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAshlie- Mommycosm

Ummm. I now need to going to a dark room and rock myself to sleep. Them there's some scary ass images. So as crappy as I do look - I don't look like them!

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterEmily

Thank your lucky stars that you were hairless through out your youth. I started waxing my upper lip (as well as my unibrow) at 14. And as soon as I developed boobs, little black hairs started growing around my nipples. Hoo-ray for being Italian!

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCaroline

Oh man, and just before lunch. No moobs here though.

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJames

I laughed. I cried. I forwarded. Thank You.
I needed this.

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDixie La Pierre

Hehe...but oh so ewwww. lol.

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAshley

Chin waxing is the *bomb* - $6 at Supercuts. Neutrogena skin care stuff - more expensive than $6 :) but well worth it. I'm just sayin'.

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCountessa

Dude, that National Geographic pierced nipple shit with the dangling claw should have had a warning first. That is just wrong!

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMimi

did you see when Rosie O'Donnell beaded her chin hair?? i didn't know whether to laugh or cry. heh.

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterali

Say it sister!

And I have to say, the last one is a pretty cool trick :-D

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterElisa

That hairy picture is truly, truly disturbing. But you did warn us on Twitter.

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSherry Giles

Now this is the Tanis we know and love, chin hair and all. Too funny!

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmber

I'm by no means saying you're anywhere near this, but do not forget how often I have told you my raging love of all things goateed. If Boo ever decides he doesn't want those couple chin hairs poking at him, I'll Google map you straight to my house!


Great now I need to scrub my eyeballs with Comet! Manboobs=moobs I'm cracking up here. Oh wait I've got to go pee. yeah that's another one of the ravages of time... the need for Depends or "Ooops I Just Crapped My Pants"

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGladys

You know, my day could have really gone on fine without those moobs photos. barfola.

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRhea

OMG, the picture of the hairy "moobs" is going to haunt me in my sleep.

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterStacy

Oh no! That last picture! OH NO!!

Honestly, your blog will blind me one of these days. Lol.

I feel ya, as I also recently ran my hand across my lower back -- while on vacation with a good friend -- and discovered an errant gray hair growing out of my lower back. Oh, and it wasn't that noticeable, it was only, you know, two inches long.

It perfectly matched the flipping cheek whisker I discovered while out on a date. All it took was the sun to glisten off my face right as I looked into the rearview mirror to see it glowing like the briefcase in "Pulp Fiction."

Aging = Generalized awesomeness.

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLona

whiskers or not you are still hawt! Cuz you know I just don't let any one lick me ya know. (or pretend to)


March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDomestic Extraordinaire

I'd just like to point out that you have more facial hair than I have.

I don't even want to consider the amount of chest hair you have.

I'm so sitting on you at the next family meal and letting one rip.

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterStretch...YOUR BROTHER

Age does not bring wisdom, merely more to shave.

And I prefer to think of them as 'stray eyebrow hairs' rather than whiskers.

(and why has no-one mentioned pubic hair that goes grey, and more wiry and LONGER than the regular stuff? Please, tell me it's not just me?)

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMrs F with 4

When I found my first hair, whenever the kids would ask for something I'd say, " not by the hair on my chinny chin chin."

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered Commenteremsxiety

I have always had one single, lone, little white hair that grows from the center of my chest. How it gets to be 2 inches long before I notice it is beyond me. But I can deal with it.

I have also noticed that since my (very early) menopause my upper lip hair has finally given in to the Italian side of my family and has begun to get darker. I am more than happy to let my OCD 13yo daughter pluck it out for me.

As for moobs...I just might put myself out on a limb here...but I LOVE my boyfriend's moobs (yeah, I know, go ahead and laugh, puke, cry, whatever). But see, I'm a bi-girl -- and he's got everything a bi-girl could want ---- pretty long hair, lovely eyes, sweet lips, nice tits, and HEY a penis!!! :) So I'm a happy camper, yups.

However...the guy with beers? Hmmmmm...sure that wasn't photoshopped.

Thanks for a ginormously funny post!!!!!

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMoon HalloranLeady

ROFL I was laughing my ass off....until the huge, hairy moobs, then I threw up in my mouth just a little bit. This is hilarious!

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterperpstu

Just came home from my boyfriends house. I should have taken a picture and shared. Shirtless, moobs, and beer gut. But I love him anyway. I am so tempted to text his son the moobs thing. He would laugh his skinny ass off. Thanks for the laughs. Rednecks forever!

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSweetmtgirl

Holy shit the saggy boobs in the 666 photo nearly made me puke. Feeling better about myself already.

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermommyknows

Um, I don't have chin hairs. I have a friggin' BEARD. Yep. I shave 'em. Gross, eh? Well, I had to do SOMETHING to get you back for those moobs pics. *shudders*
I'm going to bleach my eyeballs now.

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer McKenzie

I *hope* that the guy in the last pic just spilled the beer all down himself....ewwwww!

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMbdiamond

Still trying to understand why that hot blond dude is in the Japanese "bro" ad.

You are hot. Pretty sure Boo is too.

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermothergoosemouse

I maintain my love for my husband by never again watching him bend over without a shirt on.

And there was that one time when I saw him bend over from behind with no pants on. The moobs aren't the only things that get big, hairy and saggy.

Love means knowing when to close your eyes.

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAllieloopy

You're not a size zero anymore? I don't know if I want to hang out with you in July now.

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAvitable

My son introduced me to a new concept. BINGO ARMS. When you raise up your arm to yell BINGO and the underside waves in the breeze.

Aging is not for Wimps.

I walk passed the mirror naked and jump with fear because I see my mom's naked ass body staring back at me! *shudder*

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShelli

Wow, you are one dedicated blogger, willing to sacrifice your marriage for the funny like that...

March 14, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkittenpie

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.

My response is on my own website »
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>