about Attack of the Redneck Mommy
Looking for something specific? SEARCH RNM.  
back to Tanis Miller

Burning For You


Last week, late at night, my husband deemed it was business time. In true marital fashion, I rolled my eyes at him and groaned about how tired I was and how my back ached and it would require entirely too much energy to get my Gumby on and get bendy.

Boo, not one to be easily dissuaded once he's had an evening beverage of the liquor variety, just waggled his eyes and offered his magic hands as a remedy to my bad back and invisible libido.

It was one of those evenings when I knew I had a choice to make. I could beat the man off and snarl at him for daring to find me attractive while he was feeling amorous or I could resign myself to one of his magical back rubs and accept the strings attached to his gift.

After all, isn't a backrub the universal code word for 'Let's get it on?'

It wasn't a hard choice to make.

"Fine," I grumped at him cooed romantically, "but don't bitch at me cuz I didn't shave my legs today. It hurt too much to bend over and find the razor."

I am all about the romance people.

Thankfully, Captain Morgan's was in full command of my husband's ship and a few hairs on my tree stumps weren't enough to deter him from his planned evening activities.

I flopped on the bed, er, sexily slinked in between the bed sheets and moaned as my back screamed in protest.

Boo climbed on board, leaned over to shut the bedroom lamp off while whispering in my ear, "I have a treat for you."

Just then I felt something wet drip on my back.

Trying to push him off my back, I screeched, "What is that?"

"Relax love," he laughed, "I bought some new personal massage oil. I thought it would help with your back rub."

I would have asked what kind of oil it was he was slathering all over my backside but I quickly lost the ability to articulate any words as his magic fingers did their job and my back starting feeling miraculously better.

I knew I married a man with strong hands for a reason. That would be the ability to give good massages, you dirty minded people.

Soon I was relaxed as humanly possible and that's when my husband decided to pounce and move further south.

"You like this?" he whispered as he continued his romantic ministrations.

I nodded my head and tried to verbalize but at this point I may have been a puddle of drool. I'm easy people. This is no secret.

"The boys at work told me this was the good stuff," he whispered as he worked.

That statement alone should have been enough of a heads up to buck my darling husband off my back like a new stallion in a small town rodeo. But, in my defense, my mind was quickly going in another direction and I may not have been thinking all that clearly at the time.

Moments passed and suddenly I started feeling something new. Something warm.

"Um, Boo? What exactly are you using?" I asked when the warming sensation suddenly turned up the temperature and bordered on uncomfortable.

"It's a new warming lube. Good for your back and all your pretty woman parts," he purred oblivious to the alarm in my voice.

Just as he voiced 'warming lube' my crotch exploded in flames. Holy mother of God, I thought to myself as I squirmed beneath him.

My husband, half drunk and obviously playing out his own romantic fantasies in his head, was not paying attention to the fact that flames were shooting out of my nether regions.

"Boo! That burns!!" I gasped.

"That's right baby. Feel the burn. Feel the flames of my desire," he murmured as he continued.

"NO BOO! It burns!!! My crotch! OW! It's on fire!!!" I yelped as I arched back and bucked him off me.

"What? Are you serious?"

Apparently the smoke rising from between the sheets wasn't obvious to him so I grabbed the bed sheet and tried to wipe away the vicious oil flaming my tender parts.

"Oh my GAWD, I'm DYING," I half cried, half laughed. "Boo, do something before you have to tell the coroner that you killed me with warming lube!"

Boo jumped off the bed and ran into our ensuite bathroom and came back with a wet face cloth.

Grabbing it, I realized it was hot and I threw it back at him. "A COLD FACE CLOTH YOU TWIT! I've enough heat here to melt an igloo!"

"Oops, sorry. Didn't think of that," he called as he went to remedy the situation.

Snatching the cold face cloth from him when he returned, I snarled something about how next time I was going to pour hot sauce on his wanker and watch him smoke as I writhed in pain on the bed.

"I know!" Boo exclaimed. "Ice!!"

Seconds later, he was back with a tray of ice cubes and I greedily grabbed some and applied to the areas on fire. That warming lube must have been doing its job because those ice blocks were water within seconds.

A few minutes of intense personal pain later, the burning subsided and all traces of the evil acid had been eradicated.

I laid back on my pillow, panting (and not from the way my husband had hoped minutes earlier) and watched my husband laugh hysterically.

"I always told you I thought you were hot stuff," he giggled as I tossed a pillow at his head.

"Very funny." If looks could kill, my children would be fatherless.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Are you okay?" he asked contritely as he ducked from flying objects.

Luckily for him, the fire was extinguished and I was beginning to see the humour of the situation. From his perspective, I guess it would be fairly funny to watch me shove ice cubes up my cooter while begging to be killed.


"Let me make it up to you, darlin'," he purred as he reached for me.

"You. Have. Got. To. Be. Joking," I snarled and swatted at his roving hands.

"I promise, no more massage oil!"

It's hard to get back in the mood of things when the smell of burnt va-jay-jay lingered in the air like acrid smoke. My pink parts were a little tender from the recent barbeque sizzle they had been subjected to.

But still, a girl has to do what a girl has to do and the show must go on.

Afterwards, as Boo lay staring at the ceiling reliving the evening's festivities in his mind, he reached over in an attempt to engage in the requisite post-coital cuddle.

I squirmed away and hopped out of bed as Boo asked what I was doing.

"I'm finding that demon lube and throwing it in the trash so that the next time the only burn I feel will be from desire and not from my cooter being boiled alive," I huffed as I bent down to grab the lube from under the chair where it had landed when I hurled it at his head earlier.

"Oh, now, now. It couldn't have been that bad. You just weren't prepared for it. Next time I'm sure it will work like it's supposed to," he snorted as visions of my smoking hooha danced before his eyes.

Next time? I thought. Next time? Are you f*cking kidding me, I sneered in my mind while smiling sweetly at my husband from the bathroom.

"You're right darling. I'm sure next time will be better," I called out from over my shoulder in the bathroom. Ever so carefully I quietly snapped the lid open and poured a few drops on my fingertips before chucking the bottle into the garbage can with a grin of good riddance.

Hopping back into bed, I draped myself over Boo's body and nibbled at his neck, careful not to wipe the lube off my hand.

"Well, at least it took my mind off my back pain for a moment," I whispered as I tugged on his earlobe with my teeth.

Boo and his buddy Captain Morgan quickly charted a course for round two. It was right then I reached down slowly and wrapped my lubricated fingers around my husband's lovely man stick.

"Oh T," he breathed as I smiled sadistically in the dark and waited.

"Oh, OH..OHHHH!!! OH Shit! Oh Shit!!!" Boo cried as he pushed me off the bed and raced into the bathroom.

Picture my husband at full mast standing at the bathroom sink trying to splash cold water onto his johnson while I howled with laughter from the bed.

"Feeling the burn, baby?" I called out. "I always knew you were smoking hot darling. Maybe NEXT TIME you'll believe me."

Needless to say, once Boo's flame of desire was duly put out he double checked to make sure his newly purchased massage oil was safely ensconced in the garbage can.

I knew he'd see things my way sooner or later.


« First Impressions | Main | Redneck Thanks »

Reader Comments (191)

OMG that was great! Well not for y'all but for me it was GOLD. Something else not meant for that area... Icy-Hot - same burning fire with the added benny of smelling, well, like Icy-Hot. Yeah, a nice massage but please, wash those hands first.

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDaisy

OMG...I almost fell out of my chair laughing...

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie @ TimeSlidesBy

The story itself would have been humorous enough in itself but I'm telling you the first image "crotch-fire" made me snort. That was great.

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJen

Good thing he wasn't trying for anal sex.

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAvitable

I guess that's why they always say to test stuff out on your forearm. You know, before slathering it all over your penis.


February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMotherhood Uncensored

Oh my God in Heaven, people at work are looking at me with tears streaming down my face, choaking and spitting diet dp I am laughing so hard, thank goodness for that good bladder tuck surgery or I would have wet myself!!!

I just adore reading you every day and I could not be more proud for you and all the wonderful things that have just come your way! Thanks for the lift You are the right medicine when life is looking rather sucky today.

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMichele

I needed that laugh today = ) Thanks T

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLori

My hubs tried this several years ago. I didn't have the guts to pay him back for it.

You're kinda making me wish I had...

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermandy

I am crying with laughter. (and I've been there too but I couldn't think clearly enough to get revenge like you did!)

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterEmily

Wrong. That's what this was. Wrong.

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterfather muskrat

Mine tried a similar routine with candle wax. Heard it was sexy. I was blistered for weeks. House rules are now everything goes on his nether regions first.

Thanks for the belly laugh!


February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTeri Bayus

Oh, crikey! There should be a Flame Lube dispenser in every governmental agency. When anyone acts up, trying to pass stupid-ass legislation or getting in the way of smart laws, WHAM! SQUIRT! SLAP!

World peace is a lube job away.

Hysterical. I love your family.

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterbreedemandweep

I'm laughing so hard that my coworkers are asking what is so funny. There's just no appropriate way to say "cooter fire" so I just laugh even more. I don't think anyone can understand.

p.s. remind me not to seduce you with warming massage oil at blogher.

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterperksofbeingme

Oh that one has me in tears laughing!

Try the ice lube, much less burny.............. as long as it's only the residue left on his hands AFTER the back massage that finds it's way to your lady bits.

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMistress B

OMG. That brings back memories of a night after my husband (then boyfriend) cleaned jalapenos at work that day. Let me just say that I know your pain, I really know it. He thought it was hilarious too but I didn't have a jalapeno handy. Quick thinking on your part

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermomranoutscreaming

Yeah. A few months ago my Dear Hubby got the warming lube and the Ben Gay mixed up. Yeah.

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMiss Know It All

Did you know they making http://www.jimmyjane.com/shop/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=22&products_id=57" rel="nofollow">cooling massage lotion too? Maybe try that "next time".

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterhubs

Oh MAN I think I know the exact product you are referring to, having had a similar nasty experience. Although I am kicking myself in the ass right now for not getting him back.

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLucie

Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!! I haven't laughed that hard in ages! My co-workers think I am nuts b/c I've been sitting here snorting the whole time I read your post, ha ha! Love ya Tanis!

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

That is so funny that it is wrong!! Thank godness I wasn't drinking anything or it would have been all over my screen.

Now I know. Warming lube=bad mojo

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMegan Huber

- I once gifted some new co-workers gift bags w/warming massage oil (What, I thought it thoughtfull) and was rewarded with less conversation and invites to lunch--guess now I know why !
Kinda like the time my 8 year old and friends ( for the Mom embarassment factor )put Ben Gay on their soccer rash!

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmy

See, that's why you are so fabulous. I have never once thought of giving him a taste.

Of course, the last time it involved jalapenos and he did wash his hands before coming to bed, but those things are potent.

“That’s right baby. Feel the burn. Feel the flames of my desire,� he murmured as he continued.

Ok so the whole story was quite amusing...but seriously that line. BRILLIANT!

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterWM

OMG! I'm crying here! Oh crap! People are staring at me! Oh I have GOT to remember NOT to read you while I'm at work! Too freaking funny!

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLinda

OMG, I am crying at my desk! That was the BEST! Plus, now I don't have to give that stuff my own test drive--thanks for taking one for the team! You crack me up, as always!

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenteraMom2E

Holy hell. That was hilarious! I'm sending this to my husband to remind him of the time he gave me a massage w/ muscle cream. The warm-you-up-then-freeze-your-ass-off variety...could have killed him.

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmo

The song Come on Baby Light my Fire will never sound the same.

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTravis Erwin


This was the funniest public service announcement EVAH. Just the other day I was thinking "hmmm, I wonder how that warming lube junk would work?".

Now I have my answer (and a really good laugh, thanks!)

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJenna

SO TRUE! I learned the hard way too. My sympathies. That stuff should be banned.

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAngela

You must try to cooling gel, it's way better than that warming shit.

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMariah

Ralgex for your nads? Did the love stick get the ice bucket treatment?

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSingleParentDad

I don't recommend the cooling tingle stuff either. Or "let him stay hard longer" since that translates to numbing.

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnne

Oh you are killing me! I ADORE your honesty!

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGlamour Girl

I actually laughed aloud. Now I'm going to have to explain to my roommates why I am reading about char broiled vadge.

Ps, what brand was this? So I can make sure I NEVER buy it

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMolly

too funny girl, reminds me of Elvis'" hunka hunka burning love"

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTony

What the hell brand of fire water were you two using? For the benefit of your fellow consumers, after all...

The guys in the next office over are wondering what I'm over here howling about. Sorry for laughing at your pain, but that is too damn funny!

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered Commenternashvegas

FEEL the burn. Oh mah holy hell, Tanis. Warming lube has always scared me for just this reason.

I think I scared my kids I just laughed so hard.

The visuals in this post, I may never recover from laughing.

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterrachel-asouthernfairytale

OMG. Some stuff they just don't teach in school.

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermaggie madison


You know, I've used K-Y warming stuff and never had a problem. I don't know what brand you guys used but that's downright scary. lol

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmy

One of the funniest things I've read in a long time! I'm over here trying not to wake up my kid with my laughing.

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAlyce

Had you just rolled over and gone to sleep, this never would have happened. Let that be a lesson to you.;)

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSammanthia

That was priceless!
::wipes tears::
Thank you, I needed that laugh.

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle

Thanks for the laugh! That was priceless!

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHillary

Holy hell. I will never buy that stuff after reading this. Funny as, though!

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered Commenter12ontheinside

Oh GOD, hysterical! I had to shove my hand in my mouth not to laugh 'cause I am at work and I SO could NOT explain this one! I feel so bad for you! Boo totally deserved the turnabout.

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHeather

I can completely relate to that experience - those 'warming' lubes should have some serious warning labels attached! LOL

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterEsther @ FaintStarLite


Also? "The smell of burnt va-jay-jay" is a phrase that will live in infamy. *shudders*

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMFA Mama a.k.a. "Eliza"

At least he got to test it out for himself.

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMiss Grace

Oh my god that totally happened to me too! Jumped straight into the shower. What's worse is that it was our first time after the birth of baby #3.

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSt

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.

My response is on my own website »
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>