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Hello Mr.Computer Teacher!

My son stormed through the front door after school the other day, tossed his backpack down and as he kicked off his shoes he glared at me and announced, "I'm really mad at you, Mom."

I looked at him and quickly ran through any possibilities of why he would come home and suddenly announce he was angry with me in my head.

In the last 48 hours I had a.) eaten all of the chocolate bars in the Halloween stash after he specifically asked me not to b.) ignored the Do Not Enter MOM sign pinned on his door to plow through his private sanctum looking for hidden pieces of dirty laundry while taking time to snoop through his comic book collection for signs of girly magazines and c.) announced on national television he had a girlfriend.

Since none of that was unusual for any given day around here, I decided to roll the dice and face the angry beast snorting before me.

"Why? What did I do?"

"In computer class, I googled your name and found this!!" He screeched as he waved a crumpled piece of paper in front of my face.

My heart momentarily stopped when he said he googled my name because dammit, no good can EVER come from that misdeed, but it kick started long enough for me to grab the paper and examine it.

Staring back at me in the face was this:


And this:


I couldn't help myself. I started to laugh. "Dude! I'm sorry. It was a joke for a couple of blog posts I wrote last year. No big deal."

"NO BIG DEAL??" My lovely 12 year old son screeched. "You posed in a bikini on YOUR blog!"

I was about to blow it off but the steam pouring out the ears of my obviously upset child had me think twice about such a neglectful parenting maneuver, so instead I sat him down on the couch beside me and openly mocked him.

"Frac, you bonehead, that isn't ME."

"It is too! I'm not blind!"

"No, you ninny, it's my face, copy and pasted on two different bodies. A friend did it for me. It's not my body."

"Yes it is. Don't try to weasel out of this Mom. Do you know how embarrassing it was to google your name in computer class in front of my friends and then find these pictures? Like I want all my friends to see my mom like that! And the computer teacher!! He saw them too!!"


"Um dude, why were you googling my name in computer class? Aren't you supposed to be doing something a little more educational with your time?" The best defence is always a good offence I find, when parenting teens.

In other words, deflect then deny. Words to live by my friends. Trust me.

Frac squirmed for about a nanosecond, looking guilty at having been caught wasting his time in class before his righteous anger flooded back and reminded him that I was the one in trouble, not him.

"I finished my assignment and I had some free time so I wanted to show my computer teacher what my mom looked like," my son huffed indignantly.

"Well, mission accomplished I suppose," I snorted with laughter.

"MOOOOM! That's not funny! It was embarrassing! You are in a BIKINI! On your BLOG!"

"Frac, look carefully at those pictures," I said as I pointed at the crumpled images on his lap. "Now, think back to how many times you have seen me naked or in my own bikini. One that doesn't have Canadian maple leaves on it. Now look back at those bodies in the picture. Those bodies aren't mine. My body does not look like either of those."

"Well, I guess. Your boobs are saggier."

Talk about a low blow delivered by my very own rabid badger. Ouch.

"Well, that wasn't exactly the point I was trying to make.."

"And your stomach isn't near as flat," Frac continued his scientific analysis of my body parts.

"Um Frac..."

"Plus, I can't decide if your thighs are as big as those or if yours are bigger."

"Okay Frac. I think you've got the idea now. No need to completely destroy every shred of my self esteem here."

"That's kinda how I felt too when those pictures popped up."

"Then don't google my name during class. In fact, let's make a new family rule that you don't google my name at all ever, under any circumstances and then every one's self esteem will remain intact. Deal?"


There is a lesson to be learned here.

Children should never have access to computers. Ever. Especially if their mothers have no shame and randomly paste photoshopped images of themselves on the internet.

Like these ones:

RNM as KG 1

RNM as KG 2

Oh ya baby. That's right. I'm rocking the Kate wig. And if you find these images Frac, keep your mouth shut. Or I'm totally going to wear that wig to your computer class and yell at your teacher for teaching you how to use search engines.

*Big thanks to Green In OC for taking the time to help me mortify my children once again, publicly. You rock.*
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Reader Comments (50)

BWAHAHAHAHA.... amazing. as always.

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered Commenternic @mybottlesup

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Tanis Miller, Jimmie. Jimmie said: RT: @redneckmommy New post: http://bit.ly/1lisrP Why public schools suck, complete with bikini pictures. [This is a post title tutorial!] [...]

you are awesome!

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermel


I'm so glad my kids don't know how to google yet!

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle

Social comments and analytics for this post...

This post was mentioned on Twitter by redneckmommy: New blog post today: http://bit.ly/1lisrP Why public schools suck, complete with bikini pictures....

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenteruberVU - social comments


November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDomestic Extraordinaire

LOL - keep up the awesome posts Tanis!!

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRusti

OK, I had to immediately Google myself after I finished reading this post.

Thankfully, I am non-existent. I found NOTHING.


November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSincerely, Jenni

LOL now THAT is bad ass.

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterbecky @therealbecks

Another great post - love it!

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJamie

omg, that's hilarious. Although I think you should totally flattered that it wasn't until AFTER school, when he got home, that he realized it wasn't your body.

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterthepsychobabble

Anytime I can use the power of Photoshop to make the little Rednecks squirm is a good thing.

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterWill

LOL That is funny. I wonder what I would find if I googled my own name. I am going to have to try it.

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMARGARET TIDWELL

you are one awesome mommy!

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMaya

Um, the computer teacher couldn't use this opportunity to teach your kid about photoshop? Duh!
I'm terrified for the day my kids googles me.

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer McKenzie

My kids read my blog. I've never been particularly risque on it, but it's certainly something I keep in mind now. (They started reading for my Macro Monday feature, but I know they've looked at other things.)

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRen

Tanis... I just love the poop outa ya! ! ! I watched your video and thought - hey SHE could be ME...

I guess that's why we ALL love you....

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterPooba~

Finally got the courage to google myself a while ago. Nothing. THANK GOD.

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAlex

Rules to live by:

1. Admit nothing

2. Deny everything

3. Demand proof

unfortunately in this case he had the proof!!!!

Love it Tanis!

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJen

Frac sounds like my husband!! He's always googling my name and finding shit he doesn't like. ;-)

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSuzy Voices

You've scarred the poor boy for life. I bet his computer teacher is REALLY looking forward to the next parent-teacher interview after seeing your sexy MILF bod!!!! Great post.

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDual Mom

Another wonderful PSA by Tanis. Thanks :-)

Seriously, I needed this laugh today more than probably ever before. Thank you, friend.

LOL. Frac, you should know better.. really.

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterrachel-asouthernfairytale

I totally fear what my kids will find in the days of google pre blog world

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkyooty

That bikini photo was making the rounds last year, but the face was that of Sarah Palin.

It's a popular body.

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTonya Thomas

I could have easily had this conversation with my mom back in high school. And now I have pictures in my head.

Unclean. Unclean.

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKendall

You realize every time you post about parenting your teens, I'm taking notes. Dylan & Thomas won't know what hit them!
Hilarious, sugar - as always.

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKaren Sugarpants

That conversation is a nightmare, your life (and blog) flashing before your eyes. But how sweet he was looking for a photo of you.

And that top one really is you. I know you needed to lie to him to defuse the situation, but that one with the camo pants, that's totally you.

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDeb on the Rocks

Just be glad he didn't find the one Avitable put up for your birthday...

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMiss Grace

I was thinking the same thing, Miss Grace!! Now THAT would have been awkward...

Tanis, you are awesome.

Haha that is crazy, I don't know whether to say poor frac or poor you.

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBobbi Janay

Luckily your head wasn't rotoscoped onto Paris Hilton or Pamela Anderson. Would have been pretty funny for him to see you on the deck of a boat with Tommy Lee.

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterOut-Numbered

I love that he's more upset by those pictures than by anything you've ever written about him. Hehe.

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMad Woman

I think I may have woken up my son from laughing so loudly when I read this. Did he actually show his teacher what you looked like?! That's awesome. Oh, and where can I get me one of them bikinis with the maple leafs? That's hot!

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHipM0M77

Absolutely laugh out loud hilarious! Perhaps I should google myself.Thaks for sharing!

My Hodge Podge Life

November 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAlybean

It's all fun and games until someone mentions a belly pooch or saggy bewbs....

Hey, if you can't mortify your kids at least a couple times a year, what's the draw to being a parent?

November 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBadass Geek


November 7, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterasit dhal

Moo showed her friends the post I did about when she caught us doing the nasty...

It is all downhill from here babe.

November 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKelley @ Magnetoboldtoo

And to think, I only promised to show up at the bus stop in a robe and fuzzy slippers!!! YOU are my hero!!!!

November 7, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermysuestories

Google is not always your friend.
This was too funny - but given the opportunity to put my face on a hot body in a Canada bikini - I think I would have done too! I don't know about the Kate-do, though... now THAT is brave!

November 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKaren MEG

oo-scray oo-yay. you totally freaked me out and i had to google myself.

thankfully, nothing horrible showed up.

nice hair :)

November 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterYo is Me

I love your blog. I hope one day to embarrass my children is such an effective way. I will attempt to learn from the best!

November 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSMurF

At least the one Avitable made didn't come up. :)

November 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterZakary

Super post. Had me Lol

November 9, 2009 | Unregistered Commentershail

No mercy from little Frac at all. :)

November 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBK

that was hilarious as heck. Your kid sounds like a copy of my teenage boy. He spends more time taming his hair than I do. Disturbing. Now I have to go google myself. I'm terrified. Lol.

November 9, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersassylassy666

At least he didn't find that tranny photo.

November 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAvitable

another ill femme funny fatal tale by the redneck mommy!

November 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJoy

You look really hawt in Tina Fay's bikini.

November 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmyMusings

I usually just read and don't comment but this one deserves a comment. I love your sense of humor, outlook on life.. you truly are the best

November 11, 2009 | Unregistered Commenteralyssa

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