How I Spent Monday Morning

Perky people annoy me. Perky folk make me want to carve kitchen utensils into sharp little shanks which I can drive into the eyeball of the next peppy soul who dares asks me how I’m doing while sporting a big smile and attempting to hug me.

Perky people suck.

That said, I also have no use for the dark brooding pessimist who always whines about how their glass is half empty. I see those people and I immediately want to find a box full of fluffy happy kittens and cram those cats down their cynical little gullets. I want to beat the fatalism out of those type of people with a rainbow and the bloodied horn I tore off a unicorn.

My husband says I really don't like people at all.

He's wrong. I like people just fine. Mostly people who are mute. People who don't wander around offering their unsolicited opinions to their wives.


So I'm a tad cranky this morning and not because I am still hung over from going out this weekend to celebrate my little sister's birthday by drinking too much red wine and shaking my rump to the theme song of all Redneck's everywhere: Achy Breaky Heart.

Don't judge me. I did it for love.

I'm cranky because it's now lunch time and I've been trying to break into the internet since eight this morning. Nothing like a strong cup of coffee alongside some soul sucking gossip blogs to really kick start my day and fuel my imagination.

This morning? I had the coffee in one hand and the blank page on my laptop staring back at me telling me I wasn't connected to the internet. No gossip, no email, no twitter, nada, nothing to get my day started in an appropriate fashion. I had to *gasp* turn on the television to find out today's news and weather.

It was like the olden days when I wanted to know what the weather was like and being forced to walk outside.

So with each passing second I was locked out of the Internet, my bitch factor rose. Eventually as I stomped around the house slamming cupboards and checking my satellite signal relentlessly my husband tried to calm me down.

He quickly changed his mind and backed away when I snarled at him and he noticed the foam around my mouth and how my eyes had gone dead while sparking little flames out the center with each blink of the eye.

He's a bit of a pansy like that. He may even have squealed like a school girl and tucked tail to run and hide when I threatened to rip somebody's head off and send it to a third world country for some kid to use as a kick ball if the Internet signal didn't come back on in one.freaking.minute. Of course, he was the only somebody in the immediate vicinity so he was safely and correctly presuming it would be his head on a sharp pointy stick if he stood around watching me twitch any longer.

After thwapping the router and shaking the little magical box which steals the Internet signal from the sky and channels it directly to my computer a few times I flopped down on the couch to glower at the injustice of the world.

Can we say drama queen much? And I wonder where my daughter gets it from.

Just when tiny little pinpricks of tears threatened to spill over and run down my cheek, I suddenly remembered I was not powerless and at the mercy of invisible satellite waves which were mysteriously absent. I could phone Tech Support at the Giant Company Responsible for Beaming Internet into my home and supplying me with my Internet crack fix.

Which leads me back to hating all perky people.

"Hello, this is the Giant Communication Company, how can I help you on this fine beautiful Monday morning where the sun is shining and the birds are chirping?"

(Okay, so those aren't the exact words she said, but it was what she implied with her chirpy little tone.)

"Ya, my Internet connection is out and I pay TWO HUNDRED dollars a month to be able to access high speed satellite service out here in Buttfuck Alberta and you need to get me online RIGHT NOW because my husband is threatening to take all the knives out of the kitchen and my life sorta depends on having access to twitter."

"All righteee then Sunshine, just let me check your account and let's see what's going on over there in that beautiful area you live in."

I waited a few minutes while she ran my account number and tried not to twitch too hard.

"I don't see a problem here Sunshine. It says here all systems are up and running," she announced in a very happy voice.

"I suggest you check again because if all systems were up and running I wouldn't be calling you, now would I?" I snarled.

"Well, I suppose not. Hmmm. Did you check your router box?"

"Yes. It shows me that I HAVE NO INTERNET SIGNAL."

"Really? Did you try unplugging it and plugging it back in? Sometimes it just is a glitch in the aura of celestial waves we call the Net."

"Yes," I replied tersely to the chipper little bimbo on the other end of the phone line. "I rebooted it several times. Nothing happened. I then thwacked it. Then I shook it. Then I lit candles and chanted while I waited for it to reboot and when that didn't work I tapped it with my magic wand and still, NO INTERNET SIGNAL. Which is why I am calling you."

"Oh goodness, you sound really frustrated!" She giggled. "Did you make sure your router cable was plugged in? Sometimes the beautiful people of the world overlook the most obvious source of the problem."

"YES I checked if it was plugged in. The power light is on. Yet it is still not working," I replied while biting my tongue from calling her the moron I was sure she was.

"Oh dear Sunshine. That really is a pickle. Hmmm. Well, I will check again, hang on I'll run a diagnostic thingy. Those are always so much fun to do!!" She gleefully announced.


Blood started squirting between my teeth from clamping down on my tongue so hard but I remained silent as she smacked her bubble gum in my ear and clacked away at the keyboard in front of her. For all I know she was posting her undying love to some lame ass sparkling Vampire on a All Twilight All The Time message board.

Seconds ticked off in which my life force was slowly oozing out of my body when suddenly she piped back up, "No, I don't see a problem here. My computer says the force is strong with you."

"Pardon me?" Oh great. A nutjob is in charge of my internet account. I must have bent over for life to kick me in the ass when I wasn't looking.

"The beam signal we shoot from the satellite into your router. It says it's strong. Just a little Star Wars reference to brighten your day!!"

"You know what would brighten my day? Having INTERNET signal so I could get to work on my computer."

"Oh, haha, you're funny!" She giggled.

"Look, is there anyone else I can talk to? Someone who can help me? A technician or something?"

"Sure, just let me put you on hold again, Sunshine. It shouldn't be more than two shakes of a lambs tale. Oh and Sunshine?" she called me.

"Yes?" I replied back through my nerves being grated like cheddar every time she called me Sunshine.

"You have yourself a beautiful day. You are WORTH it."

Just as I was about to reach through the phone to throttle her elevator music piped through the lines. All the while I sat in front of my useless computer and my router and willed the Internet to come alive and dance in my box once again.

Seconds turned into minutes and minutes turned into, well more minutes, until I was well and truly past annoyed and firmly entrenched in Why is the World Aggravating Me so Direly today?

Eventually, a service technician came on the line.

Which leads me to hating Pessimistic people.

After going through all the same steps I did with the Cheerio minutes before, the tech finally announced there was nothing to do but sit and wait for my router to resurrect itself once more.

"What do you mean sit and wait??? It's not working!" I whined.

"Well, the weather is good in your area, your router is working, the info beam is strong, it's likely just a glitch which will resolve itself shortly," the little man of doom replied back. "If not, you can always try phoning back again where we will dispatch a technician to your house who will likely take a look at everything and tell you it's just a glitch and to sit back and wait for the situation to resolve itself. "

"There has to be something I can do, isn't there?" I pleaded with him.

"Ya. Move to the city. Otherwise you're screwed."

Like I hadn't thought of that before Smart Ass. It's just my husband won't let me. Something about not wanting to bail my ass out of jail every time I feel like prancing around naked in the city.

Monday, you can bite my ass.

Right after all the Perky and Pessimistic people are done kicking it.

**I may or may not have slightly exaggerated today's tech support conversation. My husband says it wasn't that bad. He only says that because he made me sit on hold all four times and listen to some evil service technician call me Sunshine. I am ignoring him because this is the same man who says a day without Internet wouldn't kill me. Obviously he doesn't have a clue to which he is talking about.**